AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Assuming you are in the UK you don’t need to worry about them going for “custody” which isn’t something that exists in the UK. He could get 50% residency but not for a long while yet as your baby is so little (exotic you are breastfeeding).
And not thing about this is you not coping or being a fit parent. His behaviour is that of an unfit parent. If he thought you were a danger to the child then why did he go away and leave her in your sole care?
Your FM is exactly the kind of support you need. Do reach out and listen to her.

And I’m also horrified that he didn’t immediately come home when you had high blood pressure in pregnancy.

He could take you to court and ask for 50:50 but that’s as good as it would get, without significant evidence you were abusing or neglecting the child or struggling with mental health so much you couldn’t realistically care for the child. No judge would demand a child were removed from its mother full time without evidence of this. He wouldn’t get 50:50 until your baby was a bit older either, especially since you BF so don’t worry about that.

He shouldn’t have gone. Nothing about your post makes me think you’re struggling at all, you sound like a totally normal new mum who had a traumatic delivery and is still in pain. He should be there for you, that’s his role. Fucking off for the weekend is massively unreasonable.

No, it’s not. Stop trying to make OP feel shit. 3 weeks after surgery, first baby, breastfeeding, bleeding and not sleeping. No one in their right mind would want a weekend away with family!

This

Please make a GP appointment though! I don’t want to worry you but you should not be in pain. I’ve had 3 sections and your body needs to heal. It also could be you are overdoing it? Are you following the rule of lifting nothing heavier than the baby? So you should not be lifting baby in car seat, lifting shopping heavier than your baby etc? If I ever forgot and lifted a heavy laundry tub it would hurt

he needs to hear his life changed when he became a husband & father. His priorities should have changed

Fully agree with this. Your husband will never have your back @RudaRudoRude and you cannot trust him ever again now that he seems to be agreeing with his mother about leaving and applying for custody of baby. You need to get in there first.

really hope you recover well and I'm glad your foster mum us there to support you.

Your attitude is utterly awful and is the reason new mothers feel worried about being judged. I had a straightforward birth compared to op with some stitches and was in pain 3 weeks later.

Op isn't struggling to cope, she's in pain from emcs, but coping but no newly post partum woman should be left to just 'cope' alone if she's asked her partner to not selfishy go away for the weekend. in fact she shouldn't have to ask. a decent man wouldn't dream of doing that.

this.

@Chewbecca what on earth has given you the idea that if the OP was to travel, that she’d be remotely cared for or looked after by her dreadful Mil or H?!

I’ve had streams of texts from him and his mum overnight. I’m a troublemaker, manipulative, I’m evil, a liar, I trapped him. I’m from a dysfunctional family so I don’t know how family works. All these things. And they said I should have been greatful he has stuck around, he could have left when I said I was pregnant.
I was up with my fm in the night when they were messaging and she said to stop reading them and just keep them for evidence. I did try once to have a relationship with my mum when I was allowed. She's actually similar to my husband and his mum and that was a lightbulb moment last night, none of what happened was her fault and she said how she never hit us so that should have been enough and it’s awful feeling like I’ve been tricked almost into thinking these are all good people and it’s me and my behaviour that causes their bad behaviour. I know it isn’t because I don’t have problems with other people, my friends or my fm and family. My fm says it’s because I met him really just on leaving care and my mind looked for something familiar even if it was a bad familiarity.

Listen to your foster mum. Dont reply. Ignore. They are the problem, not you. They are disgusting excuses for humans.

You said the house is in your name only, good. Ask your FM to help you pack his stuff and he can go back to Mummy permanently. File for divorce.

Screenshot all the texts - this is now evidence of harassment.

I would send a 'cease and desist' message to both of them, saying that you do not appreciate such abusive communications and any further such messages will be considered harassment.

Report it to the police and tell them you are afraid for your and your baby's safety.

Get urgent legal advice re your husband - what notice, if any, do you need to give him to move out, or can you just change the locks as it's your house and send his stuff to his mother's house.

This is so awful that they are treating you like this when you are so vulnerable. But there are things you can do to protect yourself and your baby.

I’m so sorry OP. You’re very vulnerable and don’t deserve to be treated like this.

There’s no point thinking about the why at this point. Why H or MIL behaves like this doesn’t matter. Concentrate on the what and how.

it sounds like your marriage is over so what do you need in the next few days, then weeks, then months.

Starting point is it sounds like you need him to leave. Is there someone who can support with this? (I.e. be present when he collects his belongings) Do you have access to money? Do you have a friend you can talk to, someone who might be able to pop in and give you a break - even if it’s 10 mins to jump in shower? Is your FM able to provide regular support?

Don’t be afraid to ask. People will want to help

What a wonderful supportive FM you have! Listen to her. She is spot on.

Your marriage is over. You have more than enough evidence to show what a nasty piece of work your DH is.

The fact his mother has joined in shows how toxic this situation is.

Sending you support!

Your foster mum is right about keeping the evidence. I hope you've also photographed or taken a screenshot of the messages between your husband and his mother on the iPad?

Just wanted to come on here to say I'm so pleased you have listened to other poster's advice OP. You are doing the right thing and you are doing so well. I keep checking this post because I felt so horrified at how your DP and his mum were treating you

You said last night the house is in your name. That’s good, tell him now he can stay with his mum because he isn’t welcome in the house. Then contact (or ask your foster mum to) the landlord and ask him for permission to change the locks (or change them then let them know)

you need to be strong for you and the baby as hard as it is. Let your foster mum and friends support as much as possible

Your foster mum sounds wise and kind. Listen to her.

His behaviour and his Mum, it isnt normal. Its not ok.

He is treating you terribly and you absolutely do not deserve those comments. You are recovering from major emergency surgery and caring for a tiny newborn.

So glad you have your foster mum helping you. Send him a factual message telling him to stop messaging you unless it is to discuss picking up his things. He can stay with his mother.

No chance he will get custody. Usual arrangements with tiny babies are living with the mother and regular, short visits with dad. As the child gets older, the visits get longer and may eventually go to 50:50 but this would usually be some years off. This also assumes he keeps committed and doesn't pose a risk to the child.

@RudaRudoRude

He has fully become abusive towards you now. I honestly wouldn't be letting him back home now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially post c section with a newborn. Lots of support here, and lean on friends and your foster mum too.

DH and MiL are being abusive bullies at your time of greatest vulnerability.
I imagine your DH has had a lifetime of being brainwashed by his DM and has learnt to be a master manipulator like her. He's showing himself in a very bad light indeed. He should be with you, caring for you and the baby, and standing up for his family - the three of you - against his horrible mother.
You may not have much experience of how loving families work, because you weren't lucky enough to be brought up in one. But you have proved that you're perfectly capable of forming good relationships. Your colleagues, neighbours and FM are all keen to help, presumably because they like and care about you. Make the most of that and shut your ears to your MiL's snide comments.
See if you can join a new mums group locally and talk to the health visitor about any other support you can get.
Sounds like you're going amazingly, under very difficult circumstances and when you're physically still recovering.
💐

Your fm is correct and a wise and great person.

You will be ok on your own you good friends and your Ffamily. You will recover from your c-section which will help so much.

💐

No relationship should make you feel uncared for op. To leave you when you’ve just had a baby is poor behaviour. It sounds like his mum is the manipulative one. Most decent mums would want their grandchild to grow up in a loving home not be pushing him constantly to think about leaving. That is not normal behaviour. Take one day at a time op but remember you are worth more than this.

Sceenshots those before they delete them.

I don't think you should allow him back into your house.

I think those texts are enough for you to involve the police.

Your foster mum is a witness on your behalf.

Please ring for emergency support from your local medical team.

He and his family are 100% abusive and I wouldn't trust him not to hurt you.

He is a bad man, from a bad family.

You desperately need Women's aid and a domestic abuse charity to advocate and support you.

I'm so sorry OP. This should be such a happy time for you with your new baby. You should absolutely not have to deal with this level of vitriol from the person who should care about you the most. Itis great that you have such a loving and supportive foster Mum x

So sorry op. Listen to your fm. Concentrate on your baby. They don’t matter.

"I’ve had streams of texts from him and his mum overnight. I’m a troublemaker, manipulative, I’m evil, a liar, I trapped him. "
Nope. You sound lovely. You didn't trap him, he's an adult with his own free will.

"I’m from a dysfunctional family so I don’t know how family works."
I'm sorry you had a difficult time as a kid and as someone who also didn't have an ideal upbringing it is tough. However, you had a brilliant foster mum and our past doesn't have to determine our future. Frankly his family sounds very dysfunctional!

"All these things. And they said I should have been greatful he has stuck around, he could have left when I said I was pregnant."
Rubbish. You don't need to be grateful for anyone's love, care or respect and you don't need to forgive his shitty behaviour now because of anything he's done right in the past. Honestly, he doesn't sound a great catch himself! You can reframe it, he's lucky you've stuck around this far.

Listen to your foster mum, she sounds very wise and supportive. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.