AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

There's absolutely not a chance in hell he'd get custody of your child. No way. He wouldn't get 50:50 either. You have a newborn baby and he doesn't even care enough to spend this weekend with him. He's shot himself in the foot there.

His mother is an absolute disgrace. If my son rocked up at a party when his wife had just had a baby, I'd put him back in the car and send him home. They are really shocking.

Please take photos of all messages.
You are being abused.

Tell your GP and medical team of what you have been told.

You poor pet.
You are so vulnerable and they are truly disgusting people.

You have not married a decent man.

You need to not get pregnant again and you need to return to work.

Tell people the truth, he is a complete disgrace as is his family.

Utterly shameful.

Honestly. I would show the messages to your foster mum. I would also - whilst he is away - speak to your midwife or health visitor and explain everything you have done here. The holiday when you were pregnant. This weekend away. Make sure it is logged somewhere. Ask for advice, reassurance and support. Take photos/ screen grab those messages.

This.

What the OP is describing is genuinely horrifying. And - I usually hate how readily this term gets used online - there's some very clear gaslighting going on.

This. You've put it perfectly. This OP's story has really upset me.

You're doing brilliantly OP, you're so much stronger and more resilient than your spineless DH.

@RudaRudoRude
They didn’t want you in the family. Your husband didn’t want you in the family. You are only married because you got pregnant, and he “had” to. He didn’t pick you. You didn’t pick him. You got pregnant and married him due to that.

This isn’t a marriage. Walk away. They don’t like or respect you, he doesn’t like or respect you. You’re the inconvenience they got stuck with because of a baby. That’s all there is to it. But he also your inconvenience that you got stuck with because of a baby. He isn’t a good guy, he isn’t the guy you’d have chosen if you knew how he felt or how he’d behave. He isn’t worth it.

Thank god for your foster mum. Can you see the difference between someone who cares for you and someone who doesn't, ie. him and his family?

I hope your fm helps you to see that this isn't a healthy relationship for you.

And by the way, you sound like an amazing mum. You had a rough start in life and look at the love you're showing your lovely baby. Now look at your bellend of a husband and how he and his family are behaving. They're the ones who are not fit to bring up a child.

I’ve spoken to my husband and I said he needed to come back tomorrow and we have to discuss how this is going on. He said the family member was lying and when I said I saw the messages on the iPad he accused me of spying on his conversations with his mum. I think our marriage is finished now. Everything is my fault all of the time and never them or him or how they behave.

wtaf ?? I could barely move at that stage. You definitely shouldn’t be left alone that’s poor form. Your husband should not have gone - or if he did go - for only 1-2 hours maximum.
ive heard it said that women remember how they were treated when they were vulnerable in pregnancy and post partum and it’s so true. I would find it hard to forgive DH and MIL. I don’t think I could ever move past it.

What did she say? (Sorry if I've missed it).

Whatever it was, initially your H told her you needed help (of course you do!) and he couldn't come.

Then he changed his mind.

He is not a good person, @RudaRudoRude , and is light years away from being a good husband.

And your PiL, especially MiL, sound really awful people.

I'm so sorry that these precious first weeks have been made unnecessarily stressful by his appalling behaviour.

Take care of your baby and yourself, do the minimum of house stuff, and later on when you're feeling stronger think about what you want to do about your marriage.

💐💐💐

Can you go and stay with your foster mum?

She said exactly what the family member messaged me, that if I couldn’t cope perhaps he should look into leaving me and going for full custody. His reply was “yeah maybe I’ll see how it goes” and I know he could just say he didn’t want to argue with his mum but I’m really hurt and it’s not something I can move on from.

I can’t find the post but someone said about work and getting a job. I have a job and worked until a week before I had my baby. I’m hoping to go back after maternity leave and our house is my house that I was renting and he moved in so I’m lucky in a way that I don’t have to worry about those things for now.

Oh glad to hear its your house. Tell him to stay with mummy and daddy

It sounds like you are in a good position re your house and job, @RudaRudoRude .

Your MiL really is a terrible person, and your H clearly can't stand up to her at all.

I'm so sorry that, after having been in care yourself, this new family has turned out to be so toxic.
Hopefully they won't make the divorce too difficult.

You sound like a thoughtful, practical, and caring person. Your baby is lucky to have you as their mum.

Please don’t try and support any postnatal women ever with this attitude. She had an emcs , a different beast to a scheduled c, and was kept in for 4 days. Baby is colicky and op is doing a bloody awesome job. Her shit for brains dh, his even worse mum, and judgement like this can all get chucked in the fire.
op, not sure this is a battle you really want to fight. He’s choosing his batshit mum, and her batshit advice. You might have grown up in care but you’re doing amazingly. He didn’t and he’s a fucking tosser, so don’t base any judgement on how you grew up! Take care of yourself, take care of your baby, ask for help from people who will give it you, put none of your time and energy into supporting him.

To be honest if my partner did that and then I found out the MIL had been saying that I’d want rid of him and his horrible family!!

big red flag 🚩

I couldn't have put it better. What a waste of skin this 'D'P and his family are.

I had an emergency C-section, with an epidural and I couldn't even bend to put my knickers on, let alone solely look after a newborn. Your husband should be utterly ashamed of himself for putting his Mum before his wife and newborn baby. Your MIL is a grown adult, and therefore her being 'upset' shouldn't have entered your husband's radar. His priority should be you OP and his child, not a party and definitely not his Mum.

The fact he's prioritised a wedding anniversary celebration weekend, and his Mum (and reading your updates this isn't the first time), doesn't bode well for the future. You need a very frank conversation with him, about putting his immediate family eg. You and your child before his Mum. If you can't get through to your husband that his immediate family eg. You and your child are his priority now, you are in for a whole lot of misery, with building resentment.

Your husband needs to grow some balls, and stand up for himself.

So glad to read the house is yours.
Please photograph those messages.

Please tell the foster mum the truth and urgently contact your health visitor.

Please do not trust him or his family.
Email those screenshot to email so he cannot delete them.

I hate to worry you, but you really need protecting from him.

Even the slightest aggression, ring the police immediately.

He is in a conversation about taking your baby.

Of course it wouldn't be allowed, but the very idea that he would engage at all, means he is not on your team a d side.

Any information on his salary, get screenshots too.

We are here for you.
You poor pet.

Your husband has abandoned you at your MILs' request......At the time you needed him the most.

He has completely failed in his duty of care to both you and your new baby.

This is not right OP, your MIL is devious and manipulating and your husband has allowed himself to be controlled by her, so he is a weak minded and shallow induvidual who has failed his family.

That is more than shamefull and there is more common sense in a kids drone with 30% battery life left.

You married a mammy's boy. He picked her over you.

So he wasn't bothered you were upset? Sounds like a mummy's boy deadbeat dad, yet again.

What you had is a crash cesarean, they're incredibly traumatic and can take months to years to recover from, he should be taking your lead on this, not his mother's.

Like a lot of the other comments on here, in my opinion, he’s completely choosing his mum and “his family” over you and the new family you’ve created, at exactly the moment you need him the most. And it’s awful that it’s when you’re at your most vulnerable - physically and mentally, that he’s chosen to do this and he’s weaponising everything you’ve gone through (which is huge) and making you think you should be coping alone.

As a side, my husband’s mother did this to me, post our first child. And he went along with it as I struggled. In short, it wasn’t pleasant and ultimatums were given. It still gives me rage now and on behalf of others going through this and I hope when I’m the MIL one day, I remember this and I don’t become a ‘pick me’ when my sons have children.

I’m glad your FM has come over to support and I want to reassure that you are completely in the right and not overreacting. It’s dreadful that they are picking on you at your most vulnerable time. One day you will feel a lot stronger.

Did MIL she even say that? Also what kind of person would then repeat this to a mother who is 3 weeks pp? Let alone following an emergency c section under GA. I agree with pp that whoever told you this is a shit stirrer. I’d wait til after the party, invite them both round (MIL and the shit stirrer) with husband present and have it out.

Lot of people blaming the person who passed it on or calling them a sh*t stirrer. I'd prefer to know and I also would believe someone was acting in my best interests, and also actually acting instead of walking away/not getting involved.