AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Is he of a particular culture OP that might be informing his parents treatment of you?

Why would his parents insist he marry you but then say to divorce you? Bizarre.

To all the people saying “i was fine after mine i didn’t need any help”.Well good for you .The OP would like some help ,not to much to ask from her husband is it.Her MIL sounds like a bitch and her husband a mummy’s boy .Glad you got your foster mum coming round xxx

Sorry but what??? It's not about being in so much pain that something is unbearable. 3 weeks post major abdominal surgery can still be uncomfortable for particular tasks, whilst walking or sitting may be totally fine. I also would not want to be taking a 3 week old to a weekend family event whilst still recovering. Both him leaving her at home and her going with him would be unreasonable to many people

I'm sorry you've had all this stress and upset at such a difficult time. I'm really glad your leaning on your foster mum, please be completely honest with her so she can give you full support that your husband sadly is not. You shouldn't need to cope alone with your baby 3 weeks after a crash C-section, if your friends, foster mum or anyone judges your husband for his choices that is on him, not you. Don't hide how he's treating you.

You’ve been woefully let down by your husband and in laws OP. Do not let them manipulate you to think otherwise. Keep a log of the interactions incase you need it in the future to show a history of abuse at their hands.
It is very normal to think you can hear your baby crying in the shower when they’re not - I had forgotten about that until you mentioned it. It sounds as though you are doing really well OP - don’t let them rock that belief

Nope

🙄 just because women had to, doesn’t mean we should.

I had a forceps delivery and was struggling with fluid retention afterwards. I managed but, guess what, it was easier with help!!!!! 😱 shocking I know.

You don’t get any medals for coping “better” than someone else.

Your husband and his parents are all a very bad word.
Glad your foster mum is coming to look after you.

This doesn't sound 'lovely' -
At night when the baby is crying it’s lonely. ...I’m trying to eat healthy and cooking washing up and doing the washing.

Why isn't he doing the washing? Why isn't he making you food?

I would've thought leaving his wife a new baby 3 weeks post c section would go against him not against you. What kind of a man would do that? Not one I'd give custody of a child. I'm so sorry he's done that to you OP.

rightly or wrongly I was looking on the iPad now my fm arrived and has helped me and there is the messages between him and his mum. She’s said it in a couple of text messages too because he said I needed help and he couldn’t come and she’s said it in a reply to him as well.

I had an emcs and a suspected heart attack at 35 weeks pregnant.. Mil's first reaction was relief. As now dh could accompany her +fil on their annual trip. When dh refused she went nuts. Actually never forgave him /me and haven't seen her since dc was a couple of months old.
Ds is nearly 12...
Years..

I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair

“hormones” don’t ever make you unreasonable. We need to get out of this mindset that women are just hysterical creatures whose hormones make them overreact to anything and everything.

your feelings are valid, whether you’re pubertal, premenstrual, post partum or menopausal.

so if you think it’s not fair, or are upset by his behaviour, that is completely reasonable and he should be addressing it.

if you can’t cope still post surgery then he needs to help. Or find a compromise such as get you paid help if seeing his family is so important. Hell he could have paid a local teenager to keep you company, fetch things from upstairs and make you cups of tea. And a cleaner so you can relax in a lovely clean house.

to fuck off and leave you to it when you’ve told him you can’t physically do it it shitbag behaviour.

I agree. I’m so sorry op. What a horrible experience. Do not worry as they cannot get custody. In fact HE looks worse for leaving you in this position. Make a copy of all the texts.

This. Hope you're ok OP, sounds like a tough situation. MIL is a snake & DH needs to rethink his priorities.

I find it incomprehensible that he was expected to go and even more incomprehensible that he went. I am really sorry that this has happened and this is something that I would struggle to forgive

No, he couldn't, but if you think that he would try that's a much bigger issue!

I feel sorry for the women under your not very tender care. You were obviously in the wrong job as I would expect a former midwife to have empathy for an OP who is struggling post-partum with a selfish husband and a horrible MIL. As a care leaver OP doesn't have her own mum for support.

Your criticism and harsh words are really misplaced and inappropriate.

Glad your foster mum is coming over, hope this helps you feel safe and supported, you certainly deserve it.

I'm so sorry OP, your husband shouldn't have gone and should be backing you now. You are in absolutely no way unreasonable, and I'm so sorry that it even crossed your mind that you might be. There is zero risk of your husband being able to use this to get custody.

I had an EMCS too and my partner took a month off work and did EVERYTHING for me and around the house while I literally sat on the couch and fed the baby all day. He only went out to go to the shop. He did this because he felt it was his responsibility and because he wanted to spend time with and support his new family.

I hope that when your husband is home he is supporting you?

I had an 8hr laparoscopy for endo excision and was signed off work for 6 weeks…. And that wasn’t being cut open!

Dear OP. OMG YANBU! Your post made me so sad and so angry on your behalf. I was so relieved to read that you had contacted your foster mum and she is now with you.

I can't imagine having been left alone with my 3 week old DS for a whole weekend and I didn't have a caesarean. Your in laws sound like nasty people.

I hope other guests were horrified that you had been left on your own and made this clear to your husband and in laws. Shocking behaviour!

I'm dumbstruck!!!!

Hope you're OK OP 💕