If you’re an only child would you marry an only child or prefer to marry someone who has siblings?

[PurpleDisco]

A friend currently has this dilemma and due to a recent chat which was full of angst it has made me think. Due to having 4 siblings myself I never thought about how only children become only adults eventually. She’s luckily always had good friends. As a child during the school holidays she felt lonely due to living rurally. She’d sometimes go to sleepovers though and always felt sad leaving as they all had big families with brothers and sisters to play / fight with. This feeling has stayed with her through life and she always swore that when she settled down it would have to be with a man who has siblings. Both her parents are only children so she never had aunties, uncles or first cousins while growing up. She wanted and still does want aunties, uncles and cousins for her children as she feels she definitely missed out on a big part of life because of her ‘unusual’ family in her eyes. Tbh I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t have at least one aunt or uncle so is it unusual? She’s got fabulous parents who adore her btw.

I do feel sorry for her but she’s 34 now and has met the love of her life who is also an only with a similar childhood but he doesn’t feel as strongly as her about the whole thing. He’s happy and doesn’t feel he’s missed out on life growing up and points out not all families are big and happy where everyone loves being with each other. They both want children but she’s reluctant to go ahead with anything because of this big issue. Everything is perfect apart from this and there’s no guarantee she’d meet someone half as perfect if she ends the relationship. Do people really think about this in such detail or could she have been suffering from depression for so many years and not realised it?

All thoughts / feedback would be appreciated. Anyone in this type of relationship with kids and are happy and content?

I think your friend basically needs quite a long course of therapy to deal with a lot of deep seated issues that probably, at their core, have little to do with not having siblings.

Criteria for lifelong partnership, is just like the fairy tales - ‘tall, dark. handsome, siblings’

naaaaaahhhhh

you chose your partner based on compatibility, shared experiences, love, shared values and dreams.

what family they have or don’t have is not a factor in my decision making.

I would be very worried if someone really was obsessed about their potential partners family - as chances are their magical thinking about how big extended families work compared to the reality could be a massive shock and a big disappointment to them.

You pick a partner - not a surrogate family.

looking at all the mil posts and other family posts on mumsnet - it seems that most extended families are pretty dysfunctional and problematic .

i’d focus on having a strong partnership so you can face the world together including their extended family!

He can't be the love of her life it that stops her marrying him.
I'm an only child and it never crossed my mind.
I do however have loads of cousins.
My husband has a brother but less family overall than me.
We never see my family and his very rarely.

I have a whole pile of cousins. I don’t see any of them and very much doubt they see one another except at funerals!

As Adults, cousin relationships are less important. I could live without my cousins.
I am very close with my siblings, and their children. I hope the children stay close as we have a mix of 1 or 2 children, no big families.

This would not factor into my choice at all ngl

It's never once occurred to me that the amount of siblings someone has would be a factor in wanting to be in a relationship with them. In fact I would say it's completely irrelevant. The nature of their relationship with whatever family they do have is much more important as it's a dynamic I'd be becoming part of.

I don't know anyone for whom being an only child (or not) is an important part of their identity. Literally only ever come across this level of discourse and over-thinking about it on MN. It also has zero correlation to how lonely someone can be as an adult.

My mum and dad came from large families. I have masses of cousins on my side but only see one, the one I have loads in common with .

I was one of 4. my kids have two First cousins on my side but see them only at Xmas and Easter and funerals due to distance

my hisband was an only. he had two cousins he saw a lot of growing up but doesn’t keep in touch now. They have nothing in common.

We Have loads of good friends and so do our kids - I think the people you choose will always be closer to you than the people you ‘inherit’, with the exception perhaps of siblings

I know that when our respective parents were old and inform, it was a great help and comfort to have siblings to help with the load and also to share and understand one’s grief at their death.

Wouldn’t make any difference to me. I have an uncle I’ve never met and an aunt i haven’t seen in about 20 years, same for cousins.
Just because you have them doesn’t mean you’ll be close.

So she's considering leaving a partner she loves because he has no siblings? That is bonkers to me. I really wouldn't consider it a factor if the relationship was good otherwise. it's more important they are aligned on whether they want children, and an idea if they want 1 or more. But of course that can't be decided before you experience having 1 child.

Nor mine. DH is an only and I have one sibling, but I never gave his lack of siblings a second thought.

It wouldn’t make any difference to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m an only child and literally this never even crossed my mind. I married Dh because I love him. I’m not shagging BIL, who lives 9 hours away, and we see him twice a year. BIL and SIL are childfree so no other children in the family, no cousins anyway. Just because family exist doesn’t mean you’ll live near them or want to be around them or have any relationship with them whatsoever. I’m completely NC with my family and we aren’t hugely close to dh’s family either. Only thing that matters is us and our dc because that’s our family.

Fwiw, growing up as an only child, I never felt lonely, never wished I had siblings. As an adult now, I definitely am very grateful I don’t have any (my family is a shitshow, no one else entered into that chaos would make the situation any better for anyone). Literally have never once had the thought that I wish I wasn’t an only child. It was great. I had a lot more opportunities as a result, even with my dysfunctional family. I had loads of people around me to support me and lots of friends and just life was never lacking. I’m pretty sure neither of my dc would say they are grateful that the other exists! 😂

I’d marry someone who I loved who was kind to me.

Hopefully your friend does end this relationship so he can find someone who truly loves him. Such a ridiculous reason to consider leaving someone she claims to love.

My DH is not at all close to his DB so we don't see much of him and his child. I'm close to my sibling so my kids do get to see their cousins but whether they will be close as adults I'm not sure.

Also depends how sociable the DH would be - mine is v anti-social so has little to no friends and in all the years since having children he hasn't made one friend locally - that is probably more of an issue for me than the fact I married someone with a brother!

I get a lack of family can feel lonely for some and some of feel the lack of connection. But most of us have situations or scenarios in our life that haven't panned out how we want or have the life we envisioned.

She's met the love of her life and from the sounds of it, someone that treats her well and surely that's worth more than any number of future siblings in laws.
There's absolutely no guarantee she will meet someone who has siblings they are close with or would want to play the doting auntie and uncle.

Adding my story in that I have two siblings who have chosen to have no part in my children's lives. Yes I wish it was different but I choose to spend my energy and time in relationships that nurture and benefit me and my children. I refuse to feel guilty or sad about it.

Likewise my mum and dad used to be very close to my dad's brother and his kids until he became a raging alcoholic in his late 40s. Life throws all sets of curve balls and your friend is in for a lifetime of disappointment if she isn't flexible on the rigid conditions she's set on a future partner.

I am one of 4 and DH is one of 3. Due to various circumstances my kids never had a multitude of Aunties/ Uncles/cousins. They have one Aunt they see infrequently and haven’t seen a cousin in over 15 years. Coming from a large family is no guarantee that there will be lots of people around. As far as I am aware neither DC (now adult) particularly care.

Siblings and large extended family was not any kind of criteria for me, much less make or break.

Your "friend" has a very idealistic picture of having lots of extended family and likely unrealistic and very romanticized. She seems to think a large extended family means built in friends and companions and a social life so she doesn't have to do any of the work involved in having that, she just slots in. Same with her kids.

She doesn't get that many families are not what she envisions. Families are much more transient than they used to be. People move for work all the time. What if one of the siblings dies or becomes disabled? Or they don't like her? Or the cousins and her kids hate each other? Or in the best case, she's still going to have to put in the work she doesn't want to?

She sounds like she's got issues and nothing will ever be good enough for her.

My mum and dad were both only children (and my mum was orphaned before I was born) so I grew up with no aunts, uncles nor cousins and only had one set of grandparents. When I met DP, it genuinely never crossed my mind to consider whether he had siblings. My parents had close friends and good neighbours who in many ways were like aunts and uncles to me. The only time I ever felt disadvantaged was when I was a child and noticed how friends, due to having larger families, had a much greater pile of Easter eggs than I ever had!

As it happens, after twenty years with DP I can see there are many advantages to having (my) tiny family who are very close compared to (his)massive family who seem to be forever bickering and rarely actually see each other.

It’s a shame for your friend but she’d be mad to give up on a bloke she loves over this. Big close happy families are much rarer than you’d think.

I have 3 siblings but don’t have the stereotypical close sibling relationship with any of them. Two of them are half siblings and are
17 and 20 years older than me. We grew up in
different households and despite living not far away they just have never been fussed about a relationship with me. We see each other on dad’s birthday and that’s it. My niece and nephew who are a similar age to me have their own lives and we don’t keep in touch.

My full sibling has autism and is non-verbal. So even though I wasn’t an only child, I still had those feelings of loneliness.

My partner has 2 siblings - one lives in America and he hasn’t seen her for 15 years and the other lives in Europe and we see her every 2-3 years. They do video chat and keep each other updated on their lives but realistically our kids won’t have a close cousin relationship. We’re having a big family holiday in Mexico with the 3 siblings and partner’s mum next year but due to expense this will happen once in a blue moon - I’m talking every 5 years or so if that.

We do find it sad sometimes and we feel it especially in the summer when we have nobody our age to invite round for BBQs or for big birthdays but we’re having our own baby now and are hopeful that we can build up a social network through that.

Your friend should stick with this bloke and crack on with having children with him. They could have a lovely family unit. If she’s 34 I fear she may let this bloke go and take years to find someone else and then not be able to conceive (or only be able to conceive one child) and given how strongly she feels about family ties I think that would be absolutely devastating and soul destroying for her, especially if he went on to have a family with someone else.