If you’re an only child would you marry an only child or prefer to marry someone who has siblings?

[PurpleDisco]

A friend currently has this dilemma and due to a recent chat which was full of angst it has made me think. Due to having 4 siblings myself I never thought about how only children become only adults eventually. She’s luckily always had good friends. As a child during the school holidays she felt lonely due to living rurally. She’d sometimes go to sleepovers though and always felt sad leaving as they all had big families with brothers and sisters to play / fight with. This feeling has stayed with her through life and she always swore that when she settled down it would have to be with a man who has siblings. Both her parents are only children so she never had aunties, uncles or first cousins while growing up. She wanted and still does want aunties, uncles and cousins for her children as she feels she definitely missed out on a big part of life because of her ‘unusual’ family in her eyes. Tbh I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t have at least one aunt or uncle so is it unusual? She’s got fabulous parents who adore her btw.

I do feel sorry for her but she’s 34 now and has met the love of her life who is also an only with a similar childhood but he doesn’t feel as strongly as her about the whole thing. He’s happy and doesn’t feel he’s missed out on life growing up and points out not all families are big and happy where everyone loves being with each other. They both want children but she’s reluctant to go ahead with anything because of this big issue. Everything is perfect apart from this and there’s no guarantee she’d meet someone half as perfect if she ends the relationship. Do people really think about this in such detail or could she have been suffering from depression for so many years and not realised it?

All thoughts / feedback would be appreciated. Anyone in this type of relationship with kids and are happy and content?

I am not an only child but, if she’s met the love of her life, the fact that he’s an apparently well-adjusted person without siblings would seem to be a perverse basis on which to get cold feet.

It wouldn't factor into my choice of husband at all.

I’m an only child and I married an only child and had two children. I am so sorry I did this, I feel guilty, because my children have no relatives now that their grandparents are dead. It’s bleak.

Both of my parents were only children so I relate to that part and the feeling of missing out on cousin bonds etc while growing up.

However, it’s not the be all and end all, and to not make a life with someone you love just for that reason seems madness to me! Harmonious familial relationships are not guaranteed anyway. Surely your DP is the most important relationship?

I was originally going to say your friend is ridiculous but I think thats because I've never been in this situation as me and dp came from large family and now we have 4 kids. I have lots of nieces and nephews and love being an auntie and am very close to them. And I actually would be really sad if I missed out on this. I wouldn't end a happy relationship over it but only children who marry only children are missing out

As an only child, i think the lack of a loving extended family is a gap. However, it's only one of lifes blessings, isn't it? And few of us get them all.
If you're fortunate enough to meet someone you think would make a great spouse in other ways, you'd probably want to think carefully before gambling that on the star prize of the same plus a loving extended family. Especially as extended family can cause stress and problems, as well as happiness.

Siblings!! I'm an only child and love that my partner has a bigger family. I've also had more children so mine have lots of love around them.

I am not an only child, but I might as well be, as I am not at all close to my siblings. We also lived miles away from aunts/uncles and cousins, who were also either much older or much younger so would not have been close anyway.

Number of siblings never factored into my choice of who to marry.

I have a friend who is an only child and she married an only child. There are no great-aunts or great-uncles either, so her children won't have any extended family once their grandparents die. My friend talks about it sometimes because she finds it sad, whereas her husband couldn't care less.
It's definitely not a reason not to marry the love of your life, even though you might end up feeling sad occasionally for your children. But it's impossible to find the absolutely perfect circumstances to start a family.

I’m not an only child, but I just wanted to say that not everyone is close to their cousins and wider family?

I haven’t even met some aunts/uncles and couldn’t tell you how many cousins I have nor the names of most of the ones I’m aware of.

Seems a bizarre thing to yearn for. Big families and all the drama that comes with that are the stuff of nightmares for me.

I can’t imagine anything more ridiculous personally than marrying someone based on whether or not they have siblings. I’m an only child, while DH has a brother and sister. However, since all going off to uni in different parts of the country 20 years ago they’ve lived hundreds of miles apart and hardly see each other these days. They also both remain single and have no DC of their own, so no cousins for DS (who’s also an only). But the way I see it, life is what you make of it, and we have a good social circle, made up of people we choose to have in our lives because they bring something positive to it. That’s more than enough.

I am a child of only children, whose parents sadly passed when their kids were young so I grew up with no cousins nor grandparents. It was quite lonely.
My OH however has 4 siblings but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have a relationship. My kids have cousins, but we don’t see them often because of the family dynamic.

Thank you for the replies. I will show her this thread for her own perusal. One thing that has always bothered her is no big family parties or even cousins weddings like other people take for granted. She tells us we don’t realise how lucky we are always going to weddings of cousins or nieces or nephews. But they do get invited to friends weddings as a couple but they don’t have that family closeness she craves.

Ridiculous I came from many siblings dh was an only and now we have our own many brood, didn't affect him wanting a big family of his own

A few things and I have skin on this game.

If your friend really loved this chap and had no doubts, this would not be an issue.

I am an only child of two only children and have no close family except for my dh, very elderly mother and of course the children and my grandaughter. Personally and as an only, I think having ones own dc makes up for it. I was very clear that I wanted more than one child because of it. Presently, looking after my mum, is my sole responsibility.

DH has two younger sibling and at the beginning I thought it was great and the DC would have aunties and uncles and cousins. One is partnered with dc, the other just partnered. We are all retired or heading for retirement now. The sibs live on a different Continent and they do not share our values. I am very glad they are overseas and wpuld not want our dc mixing with their druggy cousins, sans work ethic. One sib has visited three times in 37 years and decided coming for her father's funeral would be too much for her. The other has visited half a dozen times at their convenience. DH is very much on his own as far as caring for his 90 year old mother is concerned. He looks after his, I look after mine. I don't think the DC have ever given their cousins a second thought, have each other, partners and friends.

The greatest relevance relating to DH's sibs is that they have strong opinions that their mother must not go into a care home, despite doimg sweet fa and I am pretty sure it's more about their inheritance than actual concern for their mother.

All my mother's money will come to me. DH will get one third of his mother's despite shouldering 110% of the responsibility because he has to liaise with the sibs and I don't.

I'm not sure big happy families are all they're cracked up to be.

Can't see why it would make any difference.

My DF had 4 siblings and we saw absolutely none of them growing up due to a big fall out over DGFs will when I was a toddler (two of the four were executors and destroyed one will, and stole from the house). One of the others was a violent drug addict, and the final sibling and DF just both moved away and cut ties with everyone.

DM has one sister in Australia and one 400 miles away - we saw the one 400 miles away once a year growing up.

So having a big extended family does not guarantee you’ll actually have any contact. I literally could not contact DF’s family now if I even wanted to, and I doubt I’ll keep in touch with my cousins on DM’s side much, once her generation passes (we do send Christmas cards).

I’m 1/6 and DH only has one sister who is much older so he was effectively an only child. Felt sorry for him when he met my family because each of my siblings individually can be overwhelming… poor man was thrown in at the deep end.

If it was the love of my life I wouldn’t care to be honest. I know a few only child on only child marriages and their kids still have “auntys and uncles” they’re just cousins and close family friends.

they don’t have that family closeness she craves.

Even if she married a man with 10 siblings and dozens of nephews/nieces, there is no guarantee of closeness. My sons have two cousins (age 19 and 16) that they have never met. Better to marry a good, kind man with whom she is compatible and treats her as an equal. Have lots of kids themselves and raise them to be close to each other. And treat her friends kids as if they are her nephews/nieces.

I'm an only child. Married someone with siblings but they've gone on to be child free by choice. Life is what you make of it, we have a very full and happy life with the friends and family we do have.

no big family parties
What makes her think everyone has big family parties. We don't even do that around Christmas. Christmas day we just spend just me DH and children. It is great. There are so many threads on here from people complaining about having to go here there and everywhere visiting and they hate it. Mine hardly ever see their first cousins. People don't live in close knit communities anymore.

I would never choose a partner on this basis.

I had a brother when I met DH. I was the only living sibling when we married.

My kids have no cousins, because neither of DHs brothers have had kids.

You never know where life could take you. Dismissing a love interest due to their current extended family status is nuts.

If it makes any difference, not everybody gets on with their "close" family, it isn't like the adverts! I say this for dh, and I who have estranged family 😔

Oh, and I have a million cousins only seen at weddings and funerals, with nothing in common other than being related.

I have 10 cousins and DH has 14 - we have been to a total of one cousin wedding between us!

It’s just not a thing in many families, unless you are very close, or having a 200+ person wedding. You’d have to invite so many extra people if you invited all of your aunts, uncles and cousins, partners and kids. It would have doubled the size of our wedding if we’d invited them all.

Why would it matter in the slightest, unless he only wants one child and she wants at least two.