If you’re an only child would you marry an only child or prefer to marry someone who has siblings?

[PurpleDisco]

A friend currently has this dilemma and due to a recent chat which was full of angst it has made me think. Due to having 4 siblings myself I never thought about how only children become only adults eventually. She’s luckily always had good friends. As a child during the school holidays she felt lonely due to living rurally. She’d sometimes go to sleepovers though and always felt sad leaving as they all had big families with brothers and sisters to play / fight with. This feeling has stayed with her through life and she always swore that when she settled down it would have to be with a man who has siblings. Both her parents are only children so she never had aunties, uncles or first cousins while growing up. She wanted and still does want aunties, uncles and cousins for her children as she feels she definitely missed out on a big part of life because of her ‘unusual’ family in her eyes. Tbh I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t have at least one aunt or uncle so is it unusual? She’s got fabulous parents who adore her btw.

I do feel sorry for her but she’s 34 now and has met the love of her life who is also an only with a similar childhood but he doesn’t feel as strongly as her about the whole thing. He’s happy and doesn’t feel he’s missed out on life growing up and points out not all families are big and happy where everyone loves being with each other. They both want children but she’s reluctant to go ahead with anything because of this big issue. Everything is perfect apart from this and there’s no guarantee she’d meet someone half as perfect if she ends the relationship. Do people really think about this in such detail or could she have been suffering from depression for so many years and not realised it?

All thoughts / feedback would be appreciated. Anyone in this type of relationship with kids and are happy and content?

I wouldn’t take it into consideration at all

Me and my husband are both only children and come from bigger wider families with aunts, uncles and cousins. Neither of us speak to any of our cousins much, we’re just very different people. I adore my one uncle but haven’t spoken to the others in 2 decades because of a falling out between them and my parents. Pretty much the same story on my husbands sides.

What I do have is ‘aunties, uncles and cousins’. My mum’s best friends and their kids. They’re the ones who invite us to all the parties. They’re the ones who took time off work to support me when my father died. They’re the ones who send DS birthday and Christmas presents.

I’m not remotely worried about DS not having a wider family, family is what you make it.

Can't she just have 2 or 3 children so her children won't feel lonely and like they are missing out?

I am an only child of 2 only children and I get exactly what she is thinking/feeling. I loved inheriting a family, when I married dh, and was fortunate to fit in well with them, though it wasn't always easy/plain sailing.

Having said that, I would have still married dh if he were an only. You can build a friendship group and have big 'family-style' relationships and have gatherings with friends and neighbours. In fact, when I had my two dss, my mum developed early onset dementia, and my neighbour, a 60 year old childless lady stepped up and became our grandma/babysitter/all round superstar . . .

She needs to make sure she establishes some annual rituals: eg have an open house on Dec 30th each year, for the neighbours. It's a great way to connect with people and fills the post Christmas lull. Sign up for the village fete committee for each summer and be part of the local community that way. Find a hobby club - badminton/knitting/boob group/whatever that meets regularly, but also has a Christmas party/ Easter event . . .

Best of luck to her.

Having siblings does not guarantee good family that are involved in your life. I am an only child but grew up with good relationships with my cousins, but as life ‘life’s’ we’ve become pretty much no contact. My partner has 2 sisters - one lives abroad and the other is a law unto herself and has pretty much made herself no contact with all family.
if your friend has found her true love she should just go for it regardless of family circumstances

If i had met "the one" I don't think his siblings or lack thereof would feature. (Unless he had a stepbrother called Ruben Pallister perhaps.)

I can only recall one friend who was an only child who also married another only. They're very sociable people with lots of friends so their daughters (they had two - only children rarely seen to beget only children) were never short of company. Meanwhile my kids have 3 cousins but I doubt they would recognise them walking down the street!

Friend said it does place more pressure on you as a couple because the parents often want to spend every Christmas with you, which they dealt with by hosting every year and having both sets at their house. Then when it comes to elder care and widowhood there are no siblings to share the burden. But even so, my husband is one of 4 and he ended up lumbered with most of that anyway because the others found it "too stressful".

Oh and my sister barely speaks to me because I dared have a girl and she didn't. Hence why my kids sadly don't see their cousins. There are no guarantees!

Very similar to me: only child of a now elderly single parent only child, so that burden falls to me. Always wanted siblings. DH had one sibling with children - absolutely no relationship with them whatsoever, and one sibling without children - decent relationship with them. But I didn’t particularly seek a partner with siblings.

We had two DCs to ensure they at least had each other, and now as young adults they get on well which brings me much joy.

If he is the love of her life, then a solid supportive loving family is the best gift she can give her future children. IMO giving them siblings is the next best gift. Giving them cousins, much much lower down the priority list - a nice to have possibly, but not essential.

I think she’s overthinking it, if she wants to marry him she should.
No guarantee that someone with siblings would actually get along with them, or that she would get along with any potential in laws

I'm an only child from a similarly small family. I married a man who is one of 4 and while it hadn't occurred to me when dating, I did later realize how amazing it is! I've gained 3 siblings and it really does make life a bit more fun. Friends dip in and out but my SIL and BILs are always up for a weekend away, a pint etc. One of the BILs is getting married next year and I'm SOOOO excited.

But it's lucky it's a nice family and all the siblings get along, which is not a guarantee. Your DH could be one of 4 and have 3 drama llamas as siblings which would suck.

Your friend is a bit bonkers really. A good man is hard to find.

This is madness. I'm an only and married someone who has two siblings. They don't have kids and we never see them or his parents I was secretly hoping for a big gang, cousins for my kids etc but it didn't turn out that way.

I'm an only. My partner had a sibling but they died before they had children. My partner and I are perfectly happy and don't feel we have missed out.

Joining a boob group sounds novel

Between us DH and I have 5 siblings, and between our parents there were originally 16 available aunts and uncles. However, a combination of deaths, some moving abroad, some living on the opposite ends of the country to one another, some deciding not to have children, family feuds and basic indifference we only regularly see one of my children's grandparents who lives about half an hour away from us. My kids barely know their cousins, or aunts and uncles. I think when DM passes away the final links will completely fizzle.

I tried for the last 15 years to be a bridge builder within my family, organising at least an annual get together for my side of the tribe etc, inviting them to things, suggesting stuff. They would come when I organised it usually (with cajoling from DM) but I've finally given up as it's so one sided and noone seems to care if it doesn't happen. One of my siblings is currently visiting the local parent, I heard about it through the grapevine. Haven't been involved or invited at all. It's too sad and exhausting to keep trying.

So, even if you had a big family or married into one it's honestly no guarantee that your children would grow up surrounded by cousins/aunts and uncles etc.

I'm an only, parents died before dd was born and I have no contact with other family because my parents didn't keep in contact. Dh has sibs but they are all on another continent - we see them very rarely. I had all the feelings mentioned about being an only - I feel it still every Xmas when people have family to visit and moan about all the prep etc.

Now our dd (young adult) is an only and no extended family here (hasn't seen her cousins in nearly 10 years). She really doesn't seem to care though and doesn't feel it like I did. Never complains at all about just the 3 of us at Xmas. Her best friend is also an only.

With birth rates falling - this is going to be commonplace going forward.

My first serious bf was also an only - it's not something I would consider in making a decision to marry. It's not that easy to find the right person.

I'll always feel a loss about family and I think some of us onlies have additional reasons that make it feel more like a loss - maybe your friend does. But - it is what it is - it's not the worst family-related situation by far.

My dad was one of 11 and my mum one of 6. I actually don’t know how many cousins I have but would walk past every single one of them on the street. Well, there’s maybe 2 I might recognise as they came to my mum’s funeral.

My kids have no actual cousins (despite both DH and I having a sibling) but an honorary one on my friends’ son who is an only child with no cousins.

If your friend is considering ending her "perfect" relationship due to the fact he doesn't have any siblings, then it is far from perfect and she is looking for an excuse to end it. If she were genuinely in love with him, it wouldn't be a deal breaker that he were also an only child. It could be an "annoyance" maybe but certainly not something to end an otherwise "perfect" relationship.

My 7 year old is an only child (not through choice) and currently does not have any cousins. My husband and I both have one sibling each, neither of whom are in relationships, and we currently live a 6 hour flight from the UK anyway so even if he did have cousins, he wouldn't see them regularly. It does sometimes worry me that if neither of our siblings have children (both are mid 30s) then our son will very much be "alone" when he is older, but it isn't as though we have a relationship with our wider "family" anyway so I also know it will not be a problem. Both of our dads are only children, my husband has 2 cousins from his mums siblings whom he sees every couple of years maximum, then I have A BIG complicated extended array of relatives from my mum - I couldn't tell you how many cousins I had, let alone their names or ages. I can count on one hand the number of times I have met anyone from my mum's family (aside from her parents) in my life.... but fortunately, we have excellent friends, and as the corny (but true!) saying goes, friends are the family we pick for ourselves.

I'm an only married to an only and we had no strong feelings about wanting to have loads of dc and would have happily stopped at one ourselves. We had 2 in the end, and they now have dc themselves so I can take the long view.

Every family is different and I've known very few people over the years who are close to their siblings. It's a blessing when you are, but the opposite can be hell. I know many where friction between siblings and long standing perceived unfairness from childhood causes a lot of serious stress.

I think my dc would have liked cousins perhaps, but my own cousins whom I love dearly live quite a way away, so I rarely see them. Geography plays a big part in families these days more than it used to. It's lovely when families all live close together but I sometimes feel that if I'd married into a big extended family it would have felt very alien to me.

The only slightly interesting thing I've learned is that only children sometimes have different ways of dealing with conflict in close relationships from those with big families. I read this somewhere and have found it to be true. Not always of course, because it's impossible to generalise like that, but it rang true with me.

Just to add, your friend would be crazy to give up on the love of her life for this reason!

I’m an only child and I had four children, so I understand, but it definitely did not figure in to my choice of husband.

My husband is one of three. His siblings started having children just a couple of years before us. Although there is no animosity at all, they were just never interested in any sort of family get together or having the little cousins get to know each other at all. I would have loved it, but both of their wives were far more interested in their social events revolving around their sides of the family and not their husband’s side of the family.

It wasn’t something I had any control of. They’re all grown up now and I think have their cousins on Facebook or Instagram, but don’t have an in person relationship at all.

She absolutely should not figure imaginary childhoods into her choice of husband. Find a great man, marry him and create her own family is all she can do.

To be blunt - she’s 34. How much time does she think she has to end this, find a suitable bloke with a big family, marry him and produce a bunch of babies of her own? She’s being ridiculous. I’m an only of an only. Zero family apart from my now dead mother. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I have brilliant friends who are family. She’s looking for a way out I think

OP I think your friend is being unrealistic. Of course everyone has a perfect idea in their mind of how things should be. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. Everyone getting on well, lots of lovely joyous family events etc. But this can never be guaranteed.

So if your friend is striving for what she feels she missed out on, she’ll be limiting herself to men who not only have siblings, but have siblings they are very close to. If she finds such a man, she’s got to love and fancy him, and he’s got to feel the same way about her. And if they want kids, she’s got about 5ish years to find this perfect man. Bearing in mind it’ll take her a while to get over splitting with the love of her life.

Any even then there are no guarantees. I was very close to my brother. I’m sure that if he’d had kids, they’d have been great friends with my kids. But my brother died, so that never happened.

Your friend would be insane to split with someone who she describes as the man of her dreams.

He's clearly not the one for her or she wouldn't be so ridiculous.

Imagine feeling lonely all your life and then meeting domeone who will always be there for you but getting rid of him becsuse he doesn't have siblings.

She really has problrms of this is an issue.

I'm in practice an only child (I have significantly older half siblings).

I can completely understand your friend's sentiments. I don't think it's a reason to end a relationship with 'the love of her life', or to avoid having any children herself, but it does highlight that the challenges in being an only child extend out of childhood. In fact, in certain respects childhood is the easiest time to deal with one big issue (solitude and loneliness) because of school and structured activities.

I think I started to feel 'different' from many of my friends, and like I was missing out, when they started marrying and having kids, and spending much more time with their blood families and other parents. I was like – I don't have a backup plan! Then as you get older, there is a real feeling of not having people in your own generation to share things with, whether this is remincising about childhood or looking after an elderly parent. I get sad at the idea that, once my mum is gone, that's effectively it for me for relatives. 🙁

I’m the only child of two only children. My DH is the middle child of three, so my kids have eight cousins. However, all of them live at least two hours drive from us, so we see them two or three times a year, and I would think that will be even less when MIL no longer here.

For every adult I know who is close to their siblings, I know another who is on very vague terms with theirs.

I see her point, but I wouldn’t reject an otherwise perfect man for that reason. They can hopefully create the big family she wants.