If you’re an only child would you marry an only child or prefer to marry someone who has siblings?

[PurpleDisco]

A friend currently has this dilemma and due to a recent chat which was full of angst it has made me think. Due to having 4 siblings myself I never thought about how only children become only adults eventually. She’s luckily always had good friends. As a child during the school holidays she felt lonely due to living rurally. She’d sometimes go to sleepovers though and always felt sad leaving as they all had big families with brothers and sisters to play / fight with. This feeling has stayed with her through life and she always swore that when she settled down it would have to be with a man who has siblings. Both her parents are only children so she never had aunties, uncles or first cousins while growing up. She wanted and still does want aunties, uncles and cousins for her children as she feels she definitely missed out on a big part of life because of her ‘unusual’ family in her eyes. Tbh I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t have at least one aunt or uncle so is it unusual? She’s got fabulous parents who adore her btw.

I do feel sorry for her but she’s 34 now and has met the love of her life who is also an only with a similar childhood but he doesn’t feel as strongly as her about the whole thing. He’s happy and doesn’t feel he’s missed out on life growing up and points out not all families are big and happy where everyone loves being with each other. They both want children but she’s reluctant to go ahead with anything because of this big issue. Everything is perfect apart from this and there’s no guarantee she’d meet someone half as perfect if she ends the relationship. Do people really think about this in such detail or could she have been suffering from depression for so many years and not realised it?

All thoughts / feedback would be appreciated. Anyone in this type of relationship with kids and are happy and content?

ive never thought about it but a complete lack of extended family or close friends would be a worry. I have very close friends and family and god parents. So have a wider family without having siblings

The thing is that there are no guarantees in this life.

You could have siblings but they choose not to have kids, nor marry even, or not be interested in family life and don't maintain contact. You could be sibling-less but make a really close friend and your kids and their kids become like cousins. You could have lots of siblings but never see each other. You could have siblings but lose them.

There are loads of ways you could end up in a situation where you feel like you've not meaningful family-like network that actually have nothing to do with how many siblings you've got, and vice versa.

If I found someone I loved and wanted to settle down with whether or not he had siblings wouldn't even rate a thought. I am an only child myself and was very happy, never wanted a sibling. My DH had a sibling, they have barely spoken to each other in over 20 years.

It seems a very strange thing to end a relationship over. I’m not sure what she would really gain by making sure she marries someone with siblings. My husband an I have basically no relationship with each other’s siblings at all, we’re just acquaintances. I married him for him not his brother and sister. Also all of our siblings are child free so our children have still ended up with no first cousins.

I have no close relatives, I'm an only and my parents are dead. I do have six cousins, three of whom live in the same town as me and while we like each other and get on we aren't close and the only time we see each other is if we meet on the street. None of this bothers me in the slightest, and I have never regretted being an only child.

This would be a silly reason not to marry this man. Your friend should get married, pop out 3-4 kids quickly and make that big family.

One of the factors in why I had 3 kids was that I knew they would have no cousins and wanted to increase the chances of them having family ties through siblings and being able to be aunts and uncles of heaps of kids when they grow up.

I've used my name change account for this because it's a bit outing.

So this is my situation, technically my kids have no aunts/uncles/cousins. It pained me but I decided as best we could we would make choices to help offset this.

1. A commitment to have 3 dc (or more) and not stop at 2 unless there was a very good reason to do so - heath etc.
2. Asked certain friends to be godparents who were not necessarily closest friends but knew they'd take it very seriously. We use the name Auntie/Uncle for them.
3. We go on an annual holiday with grandparents. It gives the dc that feeling of family holidays. It isn't always easy but it's always worth it.
4. We get a family photo done annually by a photographer. It sounds silly but it's a reminder we do have family, the family we created.
5. Host events that includes friends/godparents. Typically twice a year, hosting about 15/20 people including dc of friends. I do one in the summer and one a week or two before Christmas. Our friends always say it's so lovely and they see they never host anyone but family. We host friends so they are like family and we are building those memories with others. We invite diverse families so our dc are always seeing families come in all shapes and sizes.
6. Speak really positively about family, both immediate family and chosen family. Kids pick up on the one you set. Do your grieving for the family you don't have and be willing to build the family you do want.
7. Bank holidays almost all our friends see their families, our close friends all do things with their siblings - BBQ's, Centre Parks, camping trips etc. We plan something that feels special even if there's no cousins. Could be a one night city break within our budget, an ice-cream and picnic at the beach, doesn't need to be expensive but it does help them see each family does their own special thing and this is ours.
8. We have friends who live 4/5 hrs away and we try to visit them once a year for 3/4 nights. They have three dc a bit older than my dc so it feels like older cousins. These friends are also visit us.

I will say the dc are confident and feel they have a special family and have one another so don't really comment on missing cousins etc. I do think having more than 2 helps as there's a healthy level of chaos. :)

We have friends who are both only children who also have an only. They work very long hours, in high pressured jobs, they don't do much family time at all. Their dc is 9 and he often cries about being an only child and not having cousins. We are trying to include him in things with our family. Our friends never wanted more than one so they don't feel their choice was wrong for them, but they do occasionally admit they didn't really think of it from his perspective - he only has grandparents on one side due to the others dying young and he has no siblings, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins. They aren't really into family time like beach trips, bowling, swimming, mini golf, cinema or things like that. They just don't do it. They work 6-7 days a week. They are very high income but in 9 years have only had 1 family holiday. I think this is actually what their dc notices and misses out on - family connection and less specific people.

I hated being an only child. But I can't change that for myself. I am able to change the feeling of having family and connections for my dc despite not marrying a man with siblings.

I wish your friend luck. It's possible to make her very own lovely family. If she's found a good partner she needs to embrace that and find ways to make a great life together. Be confident in what they can do together.

OP, if your friend loves this man, she should marry him and have her own family. You could marry someone with lots of siblings that they never see, or marry an only with good friends whose DC become the “cousins” for your DC. I’m one of five, but my brothers never had children, and once we left home, I only ever saw them occasionally at my parents’ house. I see my sisters, but our children, now grown ups, never see each other. My own DC see each other, but only two of them have DC and they live in different parts of the country. My oldest friend has two DC who are practically my own DC’s “cousins” and who as adults they see much more of than their actual cousins. Even the idea of the family wedding with sisters, cousins, aunts etc doesn’t necessarily happen - why invite to your wedding someone you almost never see? I think the idea of the big, happy family is an appealing one - but in reality, siblings can be very different people and rarely see each other. Your DF’s life will be with her partner and her own family - a lack of siblings really shouldn’t be a consideration.

I’m not an only but my siblings are 10+ years older than me. I never felt lacking i just played out a lot with ither kids on the street. Whilst I have 8 sets of aunts and uncles i never see them . As in i think the last time i saw any was an auntie i bumped into 5/6 years ago and before that a funeral in 2019.

we have a close (ish) relationship with dh family, see them round once a month and see his extended family probably a couple times a year but tbh I find them hard work. Even if your friend meets someone with a large family it doesn’t mean they will be close or get on with each other.

I have a sibling but we're not close, DH has a sibling who lives abroad and they haven't seen each other for a couple of years. We might as well both be only children in terms of "big family gatherings" etc. It's not an issue for us at all.

I’m an only child and I married someone with 3 siblings. I wish I had married another only child. They have been a complete nightmare for the last 25 years.

I'm an only child and have cousins but they're all 20 years older so basically grew up alone.

Siblings don't guarantee closeness or better family relations. I saw that with my own parents. Good sibling relationships are a wonderful thing to have and that I'm envious of.

My partner has an older brother who is very socially awkward and not that close and a sister who is nice but 10 years younger. I liked the idea of gaining siblings but at the same time they've got their own life.

I’m exactly the same as your friend. Always swore I would have loads of children so mine didn’t feel how I did. Life does what life does and we have one lonely child who feels the same way. Her dad has two brothers. They don’t and won’t have any kids. Family is what you make it with who you make it. Have loads of kids with the love of your life and be happy

In your friend's position, it would never have occurred to me to consider the absence of siblings as a disqualifier for marriage. It simply would not have crossed my mind. But then, I have a sibling and in my experience siblings are overrated.

It sounds like she isn't that into him and looking for reasons not to commit. It is such a non-issue.

I am the youngest (by far) of four siblings. They all have children, who now have children of their own. It all sounds great, except the family is so extensive we can never all get together. Apart from the age difference and distance, they have all become separate family groups in their own right, and their plans don't include me. This is just how it is.

To counteract this, I have a small circle of close friends who are my chosen family. They have shaped and contributed to my life far more than my biological family ever has.

My DH is one of three, all close in age. He rarely sees them as they are busy living their lives. It's mainly at Christmas (nightmare!) and big birthdays.

Families don't guarantee happiness. Your friend can have her own family, and start building up from there.

TBH if she doesn’t want to create her own only child then she needs to stop agonising over this and crack on with having children otherwise she’ll just be creating the.m same issue with her own child if she runs out of time to have more than one child or struggles to conceive

I wouldn’t consider it at all.

However, the whole thing has played in factor in my having more than 1 child. I don’t have a big family. My DB doesn’t have kids and possibly won’t ever. DH is an only child. So my kids won’t have any cousins. So yes, i didn’t want to have 1 child and then have them without any family as we started to get older.

My husband has one sibling who we never see. My mother had four siblings who she was completely cut off from for various reasons. My father has four siblings who he speaks to quite regularly and yet when I was young, we probably only saw about once a year at most as we were busy with life and lived quite far away from them. So even getting on with your siblings is no great indicator of them being a big part of your lives.

One of my aunt and uncles have had five children themselves and seem to have a very lively and fun time all getting together on a fairly frequent basis. But they have created that for themselves. We’re completely left out of their gatherings, even though we’re the same age and the cousins live very close to us in London.

My children see one of my siblings more frequently, but don’t look forward to it. I often see them without the kids. Ultimately, it has been friends and a welcoming and social family environment that has been more key. I’m the one who has created and driven that.

only children always have some weird or rose tinted view of what it looks like to have siblings and be a larger family that virtually never looks like any kind of reality. The first poster absolutely nailed it in their response. Developing cold feet with a lovely man who is well adjusted etc just because he’s an only child is absolutely perverse.

Blimey this would never cross my mind! Are you sure she really likes him? I’m not an only child and have never had cousins. I’ve never even thought I might be missing out. We don’t see my husband’s siblings. We live away from our parents. I’ve never considered my life to be diminished in any way, I have a wonderful husband and wonderful friends.

Your friend may have a lifetime romantic vision she’s up against and should explore that in therapy- guy to marry or no guy- because it’s not a given even if she does marry into a big family. Families can be great or awful and often an uneven mix of both.

I worry about the need to actively make clear boundaries and teach onlies about friend and ‘family’ relationships. I think the reverse of what your friend is looking for is often true. People who are onlies might be drawn to a person with siblings because the only person
feels like there’s something really great about having a wider family.

But in my experience you really are marrying a whole family, that’s something to really think about if you don’t have competing family ties coming in on your own side. You can get drawn into the big family orbit as an only and it’s unlikely that you’ll all see eye to eye on everything. Meaning you can become the satellite to your partner’s strong relationship with their family and if the family are not nice or they are very demanding of your family’s time or both, you have a big partner loyalty and time problem that can affect you and your DC.

Of course this could apply to anyone marrying someone with very close ties to their own family tbh- or for example marrying someone with close family ties abroad for example and then they want to move the whole family over to their country like it or not.

I guess I am saying maybe it’s better as an only to marry an only and maybe it’s better as someone with siblings to marry someone else with siblings as a means to even out the end result for the partner and for the future kids. But in any case it’s about being discerning about who you are giving your time to , developing your self knowledge so you know your own weak spots and blind spots, can see those in others. It’s about having the confidence to have boundaries around someone else’s family. For anyone.

Oh and it’s fine to be an only who has an only as long as you really actively make family by choice and by example to your kids. You have to be,more, not less, sociable and discerning about people you want around and what they are really like, if you’re an only or you have an only child. But that’s a wonderful power for life that you probably don’t get to develop or need to develop as much, if you have a big family that you our happy to hang around with for your life. Big family life is a lot of work and honestly can get incredibly complicated, I don’t think the grass is so much greener there. Good luck to your friend whatever they decide.

I’m an only married to an only and we have one child. I only ever think of it when I see posts on here asking about it.

My parents had siblings but my family are a bit scummy though so I do see it through that lense - have loads of cousins but none I’d want to see or have my child interact with. My parents also had an awful marriage so I suppose relatives aren’t a positive thing for me! Friends are a lot better.

It would be an issue for me if I was an only child. I’m not, my children are very close to their cousins, I was very close to mine. I’d imagine that it is still unusual to have no cousins, it’ll be more normal in the future.

@CrocsNotDocs a friend from school was one of 3 siblings, none of them ended up having DC, having 3 is no guarantee there will be many cousins etc. 2 of them also didn't really speak to each other either, so it wasn't like they all got to together either.

Also people move away, so many people rely on friends for their social life not family.

I don't I know anyone with an only child that cries for a sibling. I also think there may be a few children who would rather not have the sibling they have!

Most people don't think about it.

My sibling and I lived together until we were about 10 and sometimes we got on, other times we didn't. As a teen I didn't see much of my sibling and as adults we are fundamentally different people.

I wasn't lonely as a teen and I'm a happy adult. Tbh the only loneliness I feel is knowing I have a sibling I don't have a relationship with so in some ways I think that's a lot worse but you can't pick your family. I think I'd feel more whole/peaceful if my sibling had never existed rather than being out there and it being so sadly irreconcilable.

Better to have friends that support you than family that tears you down.

My husband is one of four and they all get along but don't see much of eachother as they all live away.

it's a different time to how we gre up where due to step siblings there was always loads of fun to he had.

But no, I wouldnt even consider not being with the person I love because of their lack of siblings.

People nowadays love the idea of community but are totally shut down to it. Growing up we always had a neighbour at the table or someone dropping in after work or kids moving freely between houses all day at the weekend. If mumsnet posters are to be believed, you need to make an appointment six weeks in advance and provide your full dietary needs so you can be properly performatively hosted at.