To be annoyed that my parents never gave me a sense of responsibility when it comes to money?

[spendyspend]

My parents have always been pretty well off - a successful business, rental properties and healthy pensions.

They have never been ones for investing, and although my dad is quite tight, my mum is the opposite. If i ever saw something I liked as a child she’d tell me to buy it, birthday money would always be “oh let’s go on a shopping trip”, there was never any mention of saving it. They never really bought into the saving for your kids thing either.

That attitude carried on, and I ended up in a bit of a mess in my early 20’s because of it, and I’m only just starting to get myself out of it in my late 20’s.

But looking back, I can’t really believe they did this? I’m not in a hugely well paying job but they encouraged me to act like I was - if I ever mentioned liking something they’d just say “oh well buy it”, never encouraged saving for a home etc., and I just feel like it was really irresponsible of them. They’ve not taught me about pensions, investing, anything like that. I feel a little let down by them to be honest. AIBU to feel that way?

I agree, they were pretty crap about that. I taught my kids everything you wish you’d been taught.

But I also agree with other posters. It’s time to let go. Everyone’s parents are crap in some way. Hopefully this is the worst thing they did and they didn’t set you up for a lifetime of crippling anxiety or teach you that abuse is ok.

It sounds like you had a lovely childhood. You sound ungrateful. You were very lucky.

Time to grow up now. Stop blaming your parents and be a responsible adult.

Seems to be a lot of people nowadays who whine and whige about debt and not having the same financial leeway as their parents.

Times have changed big time. And the days of guaranteed large pensions, smug feather bedding, and guaranteed investments returns have long gone .

COL high rents, mortgages etc are difficult but just a fact of life Everybody has dealt with them rich or poor.

Just wait until AI really kicks in.

You can blame your parents for anything/everything but ultimately you're an adult so it's up to you. Glad to hear you are investing now. It's life changing.

"Oh no I had a nice childhood my parents had money that's so hard"

If not teaching you how to save or spend money responsibily was the biggest error of your parents ways then I would suggest you have had good parents. You are an adult now and to continue blaming them is frankly very unreasonable and kinda pathetic.

What a nauseating attitude from op. The need to reproach others and play the victim is literally an epidemic.

Brilliant, 😂😂😂

I'm annoyed my parents didn't force me to learn the harpsichord and piano from a very early age. I could probably have been another Mozart (although I don't speak Austrian, so that's another failing of my parents).

Your parents have the personalities they have. You can't change them for different ones.

YANBU. I actually do think it is a parents job to teach their children about budgeting and managing money, savings habits and so on. The earlier you start the more chance there is of the child or teenager being responsible with money and not getting into debt as an adult. Your mums attitudes of buy stuff regardless of whether you can afford it may well be because she could afford it but presumably you just starting out in life won’t be in the same position.

The mantra I taught our girls was Do I need it or do I just want it when considering a purchase. Can I afford it or buy it cheaper elsewhere or do I already have something which will do the same job? I recommended they do a monthly budget and put something into savings each month plus save for things like car repairs, holidays, insurances etc etc. Don’t take out debt for anything which is not essential. So credit cards for holidays, clothes gadgets etc is a no no and should be saved for. MSE, Dave Ramsey in US or Martin Lewis show are all good sources of info. Read up on Pensions, Investments, ISAs and mortgages.

The main thing I realised with money though is your attitude has a lot to do with how financially astute you are. The wealthiest or most financially secure people don’t necessarily flaunt it or splash it around and often those who throw money around buying expensive stuff may be doing it to make themselves feel better. Just because you have money it does not mean you have to spend it. Keeping it in reserve is a good plan.

It would have been nice for your parents to have done that OP, but you answer your own question - they have no sense of some basic monetary fundamentals, such as £45 for breakfast is not cheap. Parents tend to pass on knowledge of what they are good at themselves, in your case, your parents were in their own bubble and were only good at spending money. This is what they taught you and they did not pass on the skills you feel you missed out on.

My parents did not teach me anything like this either, I had to learn it myself. Many people do not have parents, so unfortunately in this world most of us have to self-teach. I will be teaching my children everything I know about money, mortgages, interest, savings, creditcards, etc... as well as how to cook, clean, run a house and anything else that will help integrate them into this world.

You really need to let go of this thought process, accept your own accountability and move on knowing what you have now learned for yourself.

I agree with you, @spendyspend - I don’t think you are being unreasonable to think it is the parents’ job to give their children good foundations - not just with financial affairs. Good habits start in childhood, and if you develop bad habits in childhood, it can be really hard to break those habits as a grown up.

What matters is that you have seen the necessity of changing the habits your parents taught you, and you are doing what needs to be done.

As a parent I was the opposite. I taught my kids about saving and budgeting for years.
Theyre both adults now and are terrible with money

I actually think it's reasonable to see the flaws in your parents' choices, including lessons they failed to teach and irresponsible behaviours they encouraged (or didn't actively discourage). At some point you do have to take responsibility for yourself and your own choices—and unless they were actually seriously abusive in some way, try to forgive your parents for any shortcomings and move on from the resentment for the sake of the continued relationship and your own peace of mind.

However, it's only human to have some trouble letting go of old pain and frustration. Forgiveness is an ongoing process and sometimes requires a daily decision. If they're still encouraging you to overspend and be irresponsible with money, it will be harder to forgive and forget, especially if you've pointed out that you're trying to improve your financial health and need support, not temptation to overspend or guilt if you choose to save.

But OP is wholly responsible for her own attitude to finances - she can’t blame her parents even if they were mean enough to give her everything she wanted throughout her childhood

As an adult, she is responsible for her attitude to finances, @Anarchy99, but I would argue that her parents’ attitude is bound to have had a big influence on her. If a child never gets fed vegetables, but is only given junk food, they aren’t going to become healthy eaters the moment they turn 18 - they will have to unlearn 18 years of the habits learned from their parents. I think that the OP’s parents’ attitude to financial sense is the same.

I find it fascinating that even people with privileged childhoods will find some thing to blame their parents for (not talking about things like abuse obvs)

People always say they will make sure their child is brought up differently. Yet that child when it grows up is going to blame the parents for real or perceived failings in any case

Don’t you think that we learn habits in childhood, from our parents, as well as from other people, obviously, @Anarchy99? I certainly do.

I think it is just realistic to acknowledge that habits learned in childhood may not all be good ones, and may be difficult to break - if we understand why we act a certain way, it can be easier to break those habits.

It's amazing OP learnt 'spend, spend, spend'; but not - 'build businesses and maximise pension savings' so you have actual money to 'spend, spend, spend-.

I'm glad my mum was the one who said "Oh let's go shopping" - I'd never have had half the stuff I did or the opportunities I had if it was up to my dad!

Don't blame them, take responsibility. It sounds like you had a nice upbringing and they got most things right.

I get you op - when its a family culture - about whatever - it can take a good while to realise thats its not the norm.
for example- db and I had an upbringing with a mentally ill mother.
we did not know what it was like without the constant fear, stress, anxiety it caused, or what it felt like to relax around a parent or for the child to be worried about rather than the mentally ill adult.
When my db went to university .. he got to visit other families of his mates. He said he never knew what it was like in other families , that it could be relaxing and whatever ( until then he had been significantly isolated - as he stayed in his room a great deal , for as much peace as he could get )

Family ‘ messages’ can be very strong at times .

Fine but then we pick up more habits that are transferred to the next generation and the next generation blame this one, and on it goes.

The OP was clearly spoilt and is blaming her parents for not teaching her something she could have learnt for herself - surely it’s common sense that when you are working to support yourself, you have x amount to pay for food, housing, whatever? Or did she not understand that she couldn’t afford to be reckless?

What if they hadn’t spent all their money on her and urged her to learn to budget? Then she would complain that they were rich but didn’t spend a lot on her growing up.

No parent is perfect but, other than abuse, I think by the time you become an adult you have to take responsibility for your own choices

Your parents had a set of (fortunate) circumstances and personalities that informed their attitudes to money. My first grant and 1500 overdraft was frittered away on rubbish. I quickly learned the hard way. We lived pay check to pay check and my mother borrowed.

Do you think you were the only one who didn’t receive a financial education from their parent’s? Even if they did educate you, there’s no guarantee that you would have listened.

If the worst your parents did ‘was not educate about ISA’s then you are very lucky.

I’m guessing you won’t be so sad when you inherit. An inheritance is a privilege that most us won’t benefit from.

Look forward, not back.

@Anarchy99 - I am not saying that habits learned in childhood can’t be changed - I am saying that they are not easy to unlearn, but we can and should unlearn the negative habits. It is unrealistic to suggest that the habits we learn in childhood don’t affect us as adults. And it is also true to say that we can teach our children positive habits, that they can take on into adulthood.

But childhood habits can be changed, and I don’t think anyone is saying that they are bound to be handed on from one generation to the next, without any hope of change.

If nothing matters apart from adults having responsibility for their own behaviour, why do we, as parents, try to teach our children anything?