To be annoyed that my parents never gave me a sense of responsibility when it comes to money?

[spendyspend]

My parents have always been pretty well off - a successful business, rental properties and healthy pensions.

They have never been ones for investing, and although my dad is quite tight, my mum is the opposite. If i ever saw something I liked as a child she’d tell me to buy it, birthday money would always be “oh let’s go on a shopping trip”, there was never any mention of saving it. They never really bought into the saving for your kids thing either.

That attitude carried on, and I ended up in a bit of a mess in my early 20’s because of it, and I’m only just starting to get myself out of it in my late 20’s.

But looking back, I can’t really believe they did this? I’m not in a hugely well paying job but they encouraged me to act like I was - if I ever mentioned liking something they’d just say “oh well buy it”, never encouraged saving for a home etc., and I just feel like it was really irresponsible of them. They’ve not taught me about pensions, investing, anything like that. I feel a little let down by them to be honest. AIBU to feel that way?

So there you go, they have modelled everything for you. Seems you did not want to learn anything

My DPs never had much money when I was growing up, so I have always been careful with money. Pretty much as soon as my two DC were able to count, I taught them basic budgeting with their pocket money. If they wanted something expensive, they would have to save up something towards it, I would lend them the rest and they would pay me back out of their pocket money and Christmas/birthday money. Good job I divorced their father when they were young as he was hopeless with money.

DS is pretty good with money now. DD isn't too bad, but is a bit of a spendthrift and isn't quite so careful. That definitely isn't down to me not teaching her!

But they could afford multiple holidays and buying things because they wanted them. That was obviously their normal.
Perhaps you expected it it to be your ‘normal’ too? Surely you must have realised that you can’t spend what you haven’t got, despite your parents’ encouragement?

YANBU at all op to be annoyed and bewildered as to why your parents didn’t teach you proper money management skills.

The point is what are you going to do with that anger and bewilderment now?

You are not the first person to have got in to financial difficulties in their early twenties and learnt from the experience.

Parents are just humans with different strengths and failings, My parents for example were brilliant at providing me with healthy home cooked food every night and a strong foundation of productive daily routines but were quite emotionally undemonstrative because that’s the way they had been brought up, Can you start to write lists of the good things your parents did too?

Why not start writing down three things every night that you are grateful for in fact? It changes the mindset in your brain when you do this apparently.

Perhaps you can start off by being thankful for having had a materially comfortable upbringing without having experienced hunger or cold? And then add in the fact that there is more accessible, free, money management advice out there on-line eg Martin whatever his name is, than ever before?

Your twenties are for finding out about life and who you are and what is important and now you are nearly thirty you have a better perspective on things. And that’s all good and natural. As is the fact that you have realised that your parents are not to be trusted on this subject and to make your own spending decisions? You are gaining maturity now and that is something to be celebrated. .

I don’t want to sound patronising but you will find that true maturity arises when you can meet people where they are at, and appreciate and love them for who they are, faults and all, while maintaining your own values and boundaries.

It is deeply disappointing to realise that your parents are not wise and faultless. But op you are talking to the wrong people about all of this on here. You need to sit down with your parents and have a proper talk. Be very calm and open and try and find out from them
what made them this way. Aren’t you curious about how they came to be like this? You might be surprised and learn that:

** your mother’s background was very deprived and now she has money, spending a lot is a way of blocking out her past?

** you are going to inherit millions so they don’t want you to stress now (don’t rely on this one especially with the fire having gone out of the rental market)

** that they had eight miscarriages before having you and are just so delighted that you made it on to this earth and in to their lives that they can’t bear to deny you anything!

Obviously, I’ve just made those scenarios up but you might be surprised at what you find out. If you can’t have a deep, sincere, mature and honest conversation with your parents, without judgement or blame, in your late twenties, then that is a deeper issue and suggests that there is more wrong with your relationship with them than simply money matters. Good luck 💐

You're an adult, surely you can work it out for yourself and stop blaming your parents for your failings.

My parents were and are terrible with money. Have always felt the need to keep up with wealthier friends and lived and live beyond their means.

My brother and I are the opposite. A lifetime of watching that shit show means we are both excellent at budgeting, investing etc.

Now our parents are hinting that they need money from us while still spending too much. No, just no.

So, frankly, your post just pisses me off, OP. Take some accountability.

If this was a thread about asking schools to teach financial literacy, all of the replies would be saying that parents should do it!

I know what you mean OP and you’re getting a rough time here. My parents were the same. My grandad opened my brother and I a building society account and put £50 in for each of us when we were about 4 and 10 I’d guess. The idea was we’d put other money in there e.g birthday / Christmas money and interest would grow. My mum just let us spend it straight away on whatever the hell we wanted.

My dad felt guilty he wasn’t around so he’d give me £100 a week when I was a teen. Of course what did I do but blast it up the wall on clothes, body piercings, hair dye, gigs, cinema tickets, bowling, meals out etc with my mates- I’d pay for them too!

I had a friend in school whose mum wouldn’t let her spend any of her money at all, it all went into a savings account so that when she reached 17 she could access it to learn to drive and get a car. Nice idea! At the time I thought this was really mean though.

We don't know what, we don't know.

Proper financial education is desperately needed in schools and taught by experts.
That could be a retired person who invests!

The times is pushing for this.

• My df tried to educated me in it and opened me up a building society account and then an investment account. My issues were there was very little family money and even though I was working the weekend from age 15 I didn't earn enough to save and then the very small amount under 100 got spend in my investment account !

I've come to all this too late for me to make any meaningful difference in my life .

But I'm drumming it into my DC ! They see are budgets they see family money spreadsheet they know we save each month for everything car stuff ,holidays , teeth even ! They know we invest and how and what products.

I can't relate to this at all I'm afraid OP. I never got any money tips or financial education at all from my dad, but then I don't really understand what he was supposed to say. It seemed obvious from the word go when I first started earning from a Saturday job: when I got paid that money had to last a month, you can only spend it once so think before you blow it on something daft on payday, and if I wanted something that cost more than a month's pay I'd have to make sure I put some aside. It's just very basic maths really and even as a complete idiot at 15 I was able to grasp that. Take some responsibility.

@FudgeFudy what do you invest in ?

Also to add op my DC have had bank cards and bank accounts since v young and encouraged to save money as well as spend some .
They know as a family we reserve money for fun.

I think you have allowed your privilege to spoil you.
Your easy life has resulted in you thinking that everything is handed to you without you needing to work for it. That your parents meet your every need, including making sure as an adult you don't overspend.
You seem to have missed the realisation that adults who want things, which includes knowledge and skills, have to take responsibility to get them for themselves.
Whether your parents didn't do enough to steer you towards responsibility for your own learning or not is hard to say without knowing them. Certainly I don't think that the generosity of wealthy parents inevitably results in financial illiteracy.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis there have been numerous threads on this subject and the summary is people don't know what they don't know and some insist that compound interest etc is taught and % is taught in maths and some pension stuff in phase and so on.
But they don't understand or invest themselves

It sounds like you are angry with them for not providing you with skills they didn't have themselves.

Most children "learn" about managing money through simply copying what parents model. My parents sat down reviewing credit card statements routinely when I was a child & were very careful with spending. They did not specifically explain this. I simply grew up noticing that if you saved a bit of money regularly it piled up.

Your parents modelled investing in property, working hard to grow a business and maximising tax relief on pensions. These are good things? It sounds like they were perhaps more relaxed about spending day to day because they had a higher income than you, thats their prerogative.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

My parents did not protect me from risk and I therefore had some very risky interactions with men at a young age. They knew about these and did nothing to protect me.

You were not taught to be careful with money and you have suffered as a young adult.

It's good that you have now seen this and can put it right. But, yes, your parents caused your early adulthood problems with money.

I strongly believe that being a parent is about preparing children for adulthood and helping them make good decisions. Your parents did not do this. YANBU.

I agree that parents should teach their children the importance of saving - it's a basic life skill. But you're an adult and at some point you have to take responsibility for your own financial decisions. I've been pretty good with money precisely because my parents finances were a shit show and I was determined not to live like that.

No you haven't said your parents were bad, but you have started a thread complaining about this aspect of their parenting. No such thing as a perfect parent. Mine gave me excellent training in managing money and also told me never to talk about sex and that nobody wanted to be my friend. We all have our failings and our children need to find ways to fill the gaps as they grow up.

Philip Larkin as I live and breathe

People say this should be taught in schools but what would the curriculum be? The financial world is fast paced and changing all the time. You can’t say things like “debt is always bad” as that isn’t true. Poorly understood and managed debt is bad. Are teachers qualified themselves to give these lessons?

I think there could be a module in maths about understanding interest rates and being able to calculate and understand the impact of interest on debt but there probably is already.

Sounds about right !

I struggled with untidiness and cooking when I left home as we always had aupairs and I never had to do anything.. but not for long.. instead of blaming my parents I just got on with it !

Just bog-standard global equity trackers via my pension and ISA. Again I didn't need to be told by my dad how any of this worked, it's obvious that if you want to save a decent amount then you need to set some aside from your budget, and get compounding working for you. So subtraction and multiplication basically, both of which are taught in school.

Everyone’s parents hand them some baggage. You have to fill in the gaps as an adult and try to pass on the good stuff without handing too much shite down the generations. Lots of my parenting is based on my complaints about my own childhood but my parents were survivors of their own upbringing (which for my mother was absolutely brutal).

I don’t understand how you can have been working at 12/13 and not have clocked that if you spent all your wages you would have no money left. Parenting is important but some stuff you just learn by being alive.

If your parents think £45 is fine for breakfast maybe they are in no position to teach you. I taught myself to cook as my mother can barely make toast. There is no point sitting there starving when you have your own brain and your own resources.

Your a grown woman 😂😂 quit blaming your parents for your faults

I agree, I think your parents were irresponsible here. Part of bringing up
a child is teaching them discipline and life skills.
My husband’s dad earned well, his parents never taught him to save and he ended up in debt. I had saved from being a young child and when it came to us buying our first flat I had £100K for the deposit and he had nothing, despite his dad having earned 5x what mine did.