To be annoyed that my parents never gave me a sense of responsibility when it comes to money?

[spendyspend]

My parents have always been pretty well off - a successful business, rental properties and healthy pensions.

They have never been ones for investing, and although my dad is quite tight, my mum is the opposite. If i ever saw something I liked as a child she’d tell me to buy it, birthday money would always be “oh let’s go on a shopping trip”, there was never any mention of saving it. They never really bought into the saving for your kids thing either.

That attitude carried on, and I ended up in a bit of a mess in my early 20’s because of it, and I’m only just starting to get myself out of it in my late 20’s.

But looking back, I can’t really believe they did this? I’m not in a hugely well paying job but they encouraged me to act like I was - if I ever mentioned liking something they’d just say “oh well buy it”, never encouraged saving for a home etc., and I just feel like it was really irresponsible of them. They’ve not taught me about pensions, investing, anything like that. I feel a little let down by them to be honest. AIBU to feel that way?

You are being comically unreasonable. You're an adult - educate yourself.

Mine were shite with money too and I learned how to budget, save, max out pension contributions etc.

There comes a point in life where, absent proper trauma, you can no longer constantly blame parents for things. You’ve had time to learn these things, but if you haven’t, it isn’t too late to do so now.

Well now you know these things are important, so go do them. Parents do their best, for the most part. Being angry at them for giving you a lovely childhood seems mean. Not everything we struggle with is someone's fault.

I’m educating myself now - but surely this is something a parent should do when their child gets their first job, as opposed to saying “you’re working now, you can go and buy what you want!”

For context I started working when I was 12/13, in their business. So surely that would’ve been the time to get these lessons in? Instead of leaving me to flounder for years?

Which bit of ‘successful business, rental properties, healthy pensions’ is telling you they’ve ‘never been ones for investing’?

Children do learn spending habits from parents BUT you’re an adult now so you can learn.
Money Saving Expert is good
Dave Ramsey is useful for getting out of debt

I had one of each the spend thrift mother and the frugal father . They divorced and guess who’s the better off , the careful dad who was frugal because we were a young family and the money had to stretch . For me I’ve had a combination of both , in debt in my 20’s got my act together and retired on 7 figure assets .

Gosh I find this relentless blaming of parents for everything absolutely exhausting. Parents are humans. You can choose to feel let down by them or you can choose to be grateful for the life they did provide for you and crack on with improving yourself from that point.

They are actively against traditional investments. Pension investment was done purely to bring their tax liability down as far as possible - never for any other reason. That’s the only thing they’ve ever really tried to teach us. My mum has never been sensible with money - even now, I’ve told her I’m trying to buy less/save more/invest and her answer was “why? If you want it, buy it!”, which is entirely unhelpful. I just feel like they should’ve done more when we were children to actually educate us about these things.

My parents were the opposite and although I didn't have as much 'cool' stuff as a teen I am now very grateful that I can live quite easily on an average amount and don't seem to be as stressed about money as people around me (people who often earn much much more than me!)

So your parents have rental properties, successful businesses and healthy pensions and you did not learn anything from that?
They definitely seem to have done ok.

Are you just cross with yourself because you made some bad choices and are looking to blame anyone other than yourself?

Blaming your parents for your lack of responsibility with money is just a new way to avoid taking responsibility for it.

’a successful business, rental properties and healthy pensions.

They have never been ones for investing’

Those two sentences contradict each other.
As an adult (even as a child) when we have money we quickly learn ourselves if we spend what we have we don’t have any so it’s best to save some. YABU for not taking accountability for your spending as an adult

So your parents spoilt you and now you are angry? Wow okay. Everyone has a responsibility to educate themselves about money, according to their financial circumstances. It sounds like they worked hard to give you everything.

Unfortunately, most of us at some point come to the conclusion that our parents knew Jack all about certain things in life. Or they did things that were just insane. This is part of our ongoing learning and development.

There is so much information out there now about money management. Start with Martin Lewis and move forward with a new sense of fiscal responsibility.

If you were lucky enough to be working in tje family business you should be bloody thanking them! Have you seen how hard it is now for people to find jobs? By peividing you with that early experience they've done a hugely valuable thing for you. If you were around the business and never heard any conversations about money in / money out you must be pretty unobservant. Stop blaming them.

This is kind of how I wish they’d been.

They definitely had the attitude that multiple holidays a year were a right, that if you want something it’s normal to buy it there and then, it’s normal to not look at prices and just pick things up. They judge others for buying supermarket own brands etc.

Which I am doing. I just think it’s a bit sad that my parents never really seemed to bother with it.

Maybe they have enough money not to need to budget.

But not everyone invests, in the sense of shares etc? Lots of people prefer traditional savings, pensions, possibly property investments if they have spare money. That’s not worthy of criticism. It is a valid approach to money. My parents were careful with money and had decent pensions and savings but never invested, so I wouldn’t expect them to teach me about that.

Newsflash, parents aren't perfect.

If you're a parent, surely you know that? You can try your absolute best and your kids will still think you fucked something up. Try for just a minute to see them as human beings. People formed by their own experiences and doing their best.

Did they expect you to be perfect? Do you expect your kids to be perfect? No. Grow up and take some responsibility for becoming the adult you want to be.

I think it's partly personality; sounds like your DM is a compulsive spender herself. But she's also managed to do pretty well from the sounds of it.

OP, you are old enough to realise that parents are humans with failings and blindspots. You, on your own, have identified that you - an adult - are bad with money. Good thing to realise in your twenties. Sort yourself out. Ask them for advice if you like but don;t blame them. They let you work in their business from age twelve, so they instilled a work ethic. They were generous to you, so they instilled generosity. Focus on the good they did, not the minor oversights.

Totally get it, OP. My parents didn’t teach me to speak Mandarin.