To be annoyed that my parents never gave me a sense of responsibility when it comes to money?

[spendyspend]

My parents have always been pretty well off - a successful business, rental properties and healthy pensions.

They have never been ones for investing, and although my dad is quite tight, my mum is the opposite. If i ever saw something I liked as a child she’d tell me to buy it, birthday money would always be “oh let’s go on a shopping trip”, there was never any mention of saving it. They never really bought into the saving for your kids thing either.

That attitude carried on, and I ended up in a bit of a mess in my early 20’s because of it, and I’m only just starting to get myself out of it in my late 20’s.

But looking back, I can’t really believe they did this? I’m not in a hugely well paying job but they encouraged me to act like I was - if I ever mentioned liking something they’d just say “oh well buy it”, never encouraged saving for a home etc., and I just feel like it was really irresponsible of them. They’ve not taught me about pensions, investing, anything like that. I feel a little let down by them to be honest. AIBU to feel that way?

Op you sound really spoiled. And no, it’s not your parents fault.
Well done for sorting it out now though.

This is where everyone is different because we are all shaped by our experiences.

My mum taught me never to rely on a man and make sure I always have some money of my own. She was a single parent.

Apart from that, there was no education regarding money. No pension and no investments. She couldn't have taught me these things because she didn't understand them herself. She did work hard though and bought and paid off her own home, so I've always known that bricks and mortar were important.

We lived frugally and mum made all my clothes or got them second hand until I was a teen. Her priority was holidays, that was the only reason to save money. It does mean that I grew up well travelled.

I learnt nothing about budgeting or shares or anything like that. Like you. getting myself into a bit of financial mess in my early 20s was the key. I then taught myself how to budget. That got me out of a hole and got DH and I into our first home.

I look back and wish I knew in my 30s what I know about money and investing now. But, I look at it with what I know now, not what I knew then.

Yes, it would have been nice if your parents taught you more, but you're an adult now. there are books, podcasts and plenty of financial influencers on Instagram even. Start educating yourself. Follow a few people, there are many different ways of investing so you need to find what suits your budget and risk appetite. Be thankful for the upbringing and money you had, but now it's time, as an adult, to sort yourself out.

By the way, maybe your mum encouraged you to spend your pocket money because that's what she would have loved when she was a child, we are all shaped by our own past, that applies to parents too. Maybe she was trying to give you the things she didn't have.

Why would you expect your parents to teach you something they knew nothing about and didn't believe it?

It's like expecting them to educate you about opera/polo/football/Japanese ceramics. If someone isn't interested in something then they obviously aren't going to teach their children about it.

Why would you expect them to teach you values and beliefs opposite to their own?

I know it's not a race to the bottom and everyone can have it hard in their own way but this thread has made me so sad for wee me and you. I hope life has turned and you're living the life you deserve now ❤️

Finding someone to blame is far easier than taking responsibility. Try reading this book.

I agree with you. My parents were - and are - really good with money, luckily, but they never taught me how to manage money myself so I had to learn. I’m grateful there is so much brilliant free money management advice out there on the Internet and I think I manage my money pretty well now.

Are you annoyed with yourself?

I could be better with money but I don’t blame my parents for this (one a bit tight and the other sensible). You have said your parents weren’t good with money- how were they going to teach you?

I am trying to talk to my DC about finances, I think they may cover some of this at school, which is more than they did when I was at school.

It doesn’t help that I think often people don’t like to talk about money socially.

So you took what you wanted from the example you saw of successful business and rental properties and 'buy it if you like it'?

Your parents likely saw more risk in traditional investments than they wished to deal with, on top of the tax reasoning.

Investment via third parties / stocks, shares comes with risk of losing everything you pay in. They showed you that there are alternatives to dividends, namely rental properties and keeping a successful business going. A business can be sold, and property can be used as collateral or sold. The pensions saved on taxes and promised a return in later life. Meanwhile, the income keeps on coming in. I don't see much of a down side to any of that, frankly.

I think you need to keep on educating yourself.

So they modelled how long-term financial planning provides the means for spontaneous spending?

If your father was responsible for the former and your mother was responsible for the latter then maybe she doesn't know how to make sensible choices?

If they are both equally involved in the businesses and investments, and gave you a job in the family business, expecting you to learn how to benefit from both sides of that equation, then I can't really see what they did wrong?

Her parents clearly modeled excellent money management if they had a successful business, rental properties, and the sense to invest in pensions instead of facing a larger tax bill.

What the OP is complaining about is essentially her inability to see their solid financial decisions as separate from their spending habits. She is also unable to compute that their spending habits clearly did not leave them skint, so presumably they live within their means. Those means include £45 breakfasts and branded supermarket items, and just because the OP can't afford that, doesn't mean they can't, or shouldn't spend that money.

There is no big secret that her parents know but failed to teach her.

They understand basic arithmetic - addition and subtraction - or they wouldn't have the successful business, the rental properties, or the pensions, or the ability to spend on what they value - holidays, food, etc. Somewhere along the line, the OP missed the point of how subtraction works.

do you have kids?

bloody hell op blaming your parents like this stinks of privilege.

Exactly. Nuture is very important but if youre sat there all cross and bothered because your mum bought you so many things you’ve had a pretty incredible life. They werent gambling addicts.

Yes you are being unreasonable to blame them.

YABU. You can’t blame your parents for the financial
mess you got in to while your adult brain was still developing!

My dad DID teach me all of these things and yet I still spent recklessly in my early 20s. I became much better when I grew up a bit. There’s no guarantee that even if they had have taught you those things that you wouldn’t still be in the same position.

If this is their attitude even now, it sounds like they couldn't teach you about these things because they didn't understand them themselves - and still don't.

None of us can teach our kids what we don't know. As parents we can hopefully recognise our own blind spots and educate ourselves so that we can then pass that new knowledge onto our kids... but if you don't even know you have a blind spot and just assume something is 'the way the world works', you can't do that. When anyone lives within certain norms, they might not realise they're seeing the world through a lens of privilege.

I think most parents have blind spots of some kind or another. Parents with professional or highly academic backgrounds and jobs might be clueless about entrepreneurship and business, for example, or about apprenticeships, or about practical skills. Likewise parents without a history of much formal education might be clueless about academic stuff (by no means always of course - I think most of the brightest and most knowledgeable people I've ever met are people without degrees - but I just mean to illustrate a general tendency that we all tend to know more about some aspects of the world than others). Some parents are great at equipping their kids with skills for budgeting and crap at providing emotional nurture. Or vice versa. There isn't such a thing as the perfect parent.

I wonder what blind spots the kids of today will accuse today's parents of having by the time they grow up. If my fears about mass food and fuel shortages come true, I imagine the fact that most of us aren't great at teaching our kids how to grow their own food, make their own clothes or maintain their own generators might be a cause for serious lament one day...

Great so you’ve connected the dots!
Now you know what are you going to do about it?

I think you are right. They didn’t teach you a basic skill and you have the right to be annoyed. Now that you have been annoyed, start doing something about it. I know if you are in a not well paid job it’s probably hard to save much, but do what you can.

It doesn’t make any difference what your parents taught you, you’re an adult.

as a child I taught my son to save and he was a great saver. I’d run a little business with him where we bought factory seconds and sold them below rrp on fb.
id ask him how many he wanted to buy, he’d give me the money, I’d buy them then sell them and give him back his purchase price and the profits. He used to make approx £1500 a year doing this (as a pre teen). He’d save enough and then buy more stock and also anything he wanted - computer consoles were the thing then.

when he was a teen that all went out the window, his child trust fund was handed to him at 18 and was 11k
he blew it all in seconds on buying farm machinery (old stuff)
these days he’s not got a penny to his name, no savings, works self employed. Any advice I give him is wrong and he is doing things ‘his own way’ apparently.
you can only advise them and they can only choose to listen or not

Exactly. Take some responsibility for your own life OP. You’re an adult.
Feel quite sorry for your parents

My parents were not well off, but solidly middle class. For whatever reason they never taught me anything about finances. I suspect they believed my future husband would handle all that. And he has, with catastrophic results. If you are 21 or older, it’s time to stop blaming your parents. I grew up before the internet. You have no excuse. If no one taught you, it’s time to teach yourself as I was
finally able to do. There are SO many resources now. Get off your arse and
use them.

Do you have kids yourself? Because this is next level parent blaming. How old are you? 12?

OP, I mean this kindly, but it would be wise for for you to get some therapy and, as others posters and I have suggested, look at the free money management resources out there. Good luck.

While yes I believe it is a parents job to talk about budgeting etc but you as an adult can surely figure out if you don’t have the money in the bank then you shouldn’t spend it?
Mind you I know very few people who didn’t go a bit mad with their first credit card - fortunately most limits were low.
My son (22) would easily go to the limit on any credit card he might get even though I HAVE taught him all about budgeting and went through his monthly expenses with him, he just is a spender (and smart enough to recognise this so doesn’t have a credit card). My DD (21 this month) is the opposite and has just informed me she has, in her second year at uni, £10k in her account and was asking about ISAs!
So good you are figuring this out but while your parents should have been more informative you can’t blame them for the mess you got into.

'Perhaps you might set aside wasting time and effort feeling resentful, and just accept you made your own mistakes [repeatedly choosing 'instant gratification' over 'delayed' or 'deferred gratification'] and try to do better in the future. The emotional parts of our brain get dopamine hits when we give in to our impulses (including buying stuff we want). Fine when we can afford it, but not so great when we can't. Resisting this emotional push uses a different part of the brain which uses self discipline, for example, not to go beyond what you can afford. The psychology underlying 'spend, spend, spend' behaviour is that it is a coping mechanism, just not a very effective one. Unfortunately we live in a world where instant gratification is encouraged everywhere we look. Learning about why we spend as we do may help us to control our spending rather than ending up being trapped by the lure of 'gratification now'.

I’m not really sure what your parents did wrong. They prioritised long term savings, presumably to enjoy a nice retirement if they’re not retired already, and spent within their means. They sound like good financial role models. There’s nothing wrong with spending (assuming you can afford it). Economic growth needs people to spend so that money circulates round the economy. In general, Brits are saving too much these days (and not investing enough) which has all sorts of knock-on implications. So, really, what your parents did was quite sensible.