the behaviour of most men

[notevensurprised]

I’m in my 50s.

Almost all important and non important men in my life, have disappointed me in catastrophic ways. Some directly treating me badly. Some indirectly by treating people I love badly.

I’m at the stage where the scales have fallen from my eyes. Not just fallen, but disappeared into a black hole. I know this happens for many women in perimenopause. I know we suddenly look up and around at this age and we are absolutely done with tolerating bad behaviour.

Some of my own personal stories relating to bad behaviour from men relate to verbal and physical abuse, financial and economic abuse, infidelity and cheating, inequality within the home in terms of chores and life admin, inequality in the workplace and in salaries.

I am just so done.

I’ve been devastated by the actions of my own DF, my own DH, ex BFs, uncles, cousins, friends.

There was one remaining man who I held in high esteem my entire life. BIL of decades. The brother I never had. I learnt recently he has cheated for years. When my DSIS told me, it was just like the last remaining shred of… I can’t even think of the word…. died within me.

It could not be more shocking in terms of who he appears to be from the outside. And yet I am numb.

The world seems to be run and controlled by lunatic men at the moment and this is just the icing on the cake.

This final revelation means I have zero belief in the goodness of any man any longer. I was holding on to it by a shred anyway.

AIBU to feel that the majority of men are cheating, abusive, lazy, weak willed, insecure, selfish, overpaid, mediocre, disrespectful fools?

You are not being unreasonable.
I was sexually abused as a child by a step father.
As a teen I had to pretend I was carrying a knife to stop a man from assualting me.
In my 20s I was put to bed at a party because I was so drunk, I woke up to a man having sex with me.
I am married to someone who has been emotionally abusive and financially controlling. He has gradually over years of couples therapy and hearing it from therapists he has accepted his behaviour was wrong and changed a little. To everyone else he is the amazing life and soul good guy! He is supposed to be one of the good guys. He called himself a feminist. I am still here because our DC have a good life and I don't want to mess it up. When they are fully flegded I will be leaving, getting a tiny flat somewhere and enjoying peace.

Havent let you down, is different from havent ever behaved badly or let other women down

Not quite fair I think. A bad grandfather brings up a bad father and a bad son, etc. So you could be in a family with a few bad men and think that's normal.

I was really, really struggling with how to articulate the difference during the frequent, soul-destroying and confusing conversations I keep having with my own conscience.

And then you said that.

Mind officially blown; thank you.

I don’t think most women can or want to comprehend the sheer depravity and entitlement of some men. Ignorance really is bliss in this case. Sadly , it often prevents progress and improvement being made.

There is always a rush of Not my Nigel because women dont want to think that their partner, bro or dad are indulging in behaviour that harms women. If they admit it, where does that leave them.

Alot safer

Thanks 😊 this is often kept from us I think, and it's pretended that we're simply a bit different looking to men, when in fact they are massively stronger and more aggressive, and still hold aeons of structural power over us, eg LD, assets, pensions, political experience, connections with the powerful.

UK men must be a different species.

And maybe also the many women who put up with it.

This. DH is a decent guy (no need for overblown exaggerations), but if I found out tomorrow he was cheating, while hurtful, it wouldn’t be a mindblowing revelation. Because , while unlikely, it’s a possibility and as such I have plan A, B and C in place.

I’d probably struggle to accept some other awful things, like violence as he’s never been violent in nearly 20 years and barely gets angry. But I wouldn’t dismiss it as absolutely impossible either. I’m also aware that he could squish me like a bug if he chose to.

Indeed but they don't want to believe their male relatives are part of the problem, its just the occasional 'other man'. That way they dont have to confront patriarchy.

Two weeks ago I would not have totally agreed with you, @notevensurprised . I have been married for 37 years to my best friend, my soul mate, my person who has always had my back. Every time I read on here about another woman being treated appallingly, I see myself in past relationships but thankfully I have one of the "good guys". Everyone loves him, he is kind and caring and I felt so lucky that we met. Every other man in my life has disappointed me in huge ways, but my husband has remained strong and steady and kind.

That's what I would have thought, until I found AI generated photos on his computer. He did this, knowing the consequences would smash our family's life our lives to pieces publicly. He has had this depravity for the entire time we have been married. There have never been any signs or red flags and had I not seen the images with my own eyes I would have not believed it.

I will never willingly have a man in my life again.

Jesus I’m so sorry to hear that @WadingThroughWreckage it is unbearably tough to be confronted with such horrendous situations. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

You need to grow up a bit on the BIL one.
You don't know what went on in the marriage.

Ffs.

Sorry to hear that . I hope you have the chance to heal .

I think you'll find that there are indeed decent men out there. The trouble is that they can be very boring with it so the may be invisible to a lot of people like the OP.
A lot of women appreciate their value, though.

Quite simply, she's talking nonsense.

(Obviously any men who commit crimes against children and commit violent crime are pure scum and deserve the death penalty.)

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of women who have a pattern of ending up with shits actually had a lot of opportunities with other men who seemed decent but they were not exciting enough.

Not one of them had the self-awareness to reflect and say, 'Hey maybe the excitement means they're unstable!'

So yeah the OP is being highly unreasonable.

She really needs to open her eyes to all the decent but dull men out there. I doubt that she will though.

Rubbish

And some women will go to Olympic levels of mental gymnastics to excuse men and (consciously or subconsciously) keep the wheel spinning.

Nope. Absolutely true.

Eh?

Victim blaming bs

Sadly, I agree with you Op. I'm 56. If I think back over my life, these things spring to mind :

Attacked by a hotel guard on holiday, took a baseball bat to my knees and pointed a gun at my head.

Was followed in a car park by a man with a knife - thankfully I ran to my mates car and hopped in.

I had a man try to get into my car when I was parked up. Thankfully I'd locked the doors.

First husband (of 20 years) cheated on me several times. Also used low level violence like kicking and pushing. When I left him, he beat me up twice and tried to con me out of money.

My Dad was awful when we were kids. Always drinking and punching walls or doors. Always shouting and scaring us. It did not transcend into actual violence, but was still pretty awful.

Of my close friends, almost all have been cheated on by their husbands.

The one who hasn't been cheated on (to my knowledge) has had her DH try to goad her into group sex at sex parties.

Have some problems with my current DH, with not pulling his weight and being quite nasty at times, for no real reason.

Having said all of this, I have found the women in my life to be pretty awful too, with the exception of my Mum and Nanna's, who were saints.

When I left my first H, not one of my friends even so much as called me to offer support. My MIL and SIL's, who I'd known for 20 years, never spoke to me again. They all knew why I had left.

I made new friends. One attacked me because a guy she fancied liked me. Another slept with my ExH about a week after I left him. Another accused me of having an affair with her H, because I was trying to help him get their child off her, given that she was blind drunk and not capable of looking after a small child.

My own sister has also done some terrible things to me - one time I had a panic attack and was hospitalised. She has never said sorry.

I have 2 lovely (adult) children, but they don't see me much, and can take days to respond to messages...not a crime, but makes me sad.

I wish my Nan and my Mum were still alive, I really do.

I've noticed as well, that every time a woman posts on our local FB page, that it's mere minutes, before a group of middle aged men will hop on and be bastards, dressing it up as humour - WTF is that about? And it happens every bloody time.

Also, posts on line about women, always always attract denigrating comments from men. There were a few recently, with pics of Amanda Holden, who is stunning - cue dozens of bald, fat middle aged men, calling her disgusting names. I mean, why? They'd never be able to pull AH, maybe that's why. I don't know, but I find it baffling.

I always remember Jordan Peterson saying that if women could get inside a man's brain, even for a moment, that they would be traumatised at the darkness.

100% It's baffling. They will lose the horse blinkers after menopause ! 😂

It's not victim blaming to point out that some women choose unstable bad boys over dull but decent men.
It's an observable reality.

Unless you want an honest conversation about what makes some women this way instead of silly accusations of victim blaming, forget it.