to think DM is unfair to ban the twins from visiting?

[timetoban]

My sister has four children: an 6-year-old, a 5-year-old and 2-year-old twins.
The older two are easy visitors. They tend to sit quietly, chat a bit and spend a lot of time on their screens. The twins, however, are typical two-year-olds. They run around, make noise, have the occasional tantrum and create a bit of mess.
DM is very house-proud and likes everything neat, tidy and pristine.

She has become increasingly irritated by the twins whenever they visit. She complains that they don't sit nicely, don't behave properly and are too noisy. Personally, I think her expectations of two-year-olds are unrealistic.

The latest development is that she has told DSis that the twins are no longer welcome at her house. She says DSis can bring the older two, but not the younger ones.

The problem is that DSis's husband works long hours and isn't always available to stay home with the twins. So in practice, this means DSis often can't visit at all, or has to choose between seeing DM and staying with her younger children.

DM says it's her house and she's entitled to decide who comes into it. DSis feels hurt that two of her children have effectively been singled out and excluded.

Well they don't come round anymore we go to parks and soft play instead. Not everything needs labelling. Its just like posters on here who make a big drama about announcing they're going no/ or low contact with people they barely see.

Well said @CardOrCashit’s not easy to just cut your Mum off, even if she is being very unreasonable

Wow. Your mum sounds like a dick. Choosing being house proud rather than building relationships with her grandchildren. It’s probably better for everyone, especially the kids, if they stay away.

Stuff like this really gets on my nerves. Accept and welcome all my children, or get the hell out of my life. That stuff is toxic and can do real damage to a child to know their grandmother and what type of person she is.

Personally, I think her expectations of two-year-olds are unrealistic.

You’ve hit the nail on the head yourself OP.

I think DM would like me and DSis to come without our children so we can sit in peace and have conversations. We both get very little child free time to accommodate that. It is just not realistic with young children.

Well she ether see you somewhere child friendly kids can go off an play safely or she see you rarely.

She fine not to want young kids in her house but the consqence is she sees them and their mothers less.

She would be for finding herself a very lonely mum and grandma if I were your sister.

Although…..

Was it really a ‘the twins aren’t welcome here?’

or more of a ‘ I don’t feel able to have them in my home unless you try to manage their behaviour a bit better’. That doesn’t mean I think this is the right approach, but it would put a slightly different spin on it, being more about what she might perceive as your sisters lack of parenting than being personal against the twins.

You're describing something quite different though.

Not inviting people round because your house isn't suitable for young children, and instead meeting at parks or soft play, is a compromise. Nobody is being singled out or excluded.

What DM is doing is specifically saying that the twin grandchildren are not welcome but the other two are. That's not "not labelling things", that's exactly what she's done. If someone tells you that your children can't come to their house, most people would call that a ban.

She said do not bring the twins because it is too much noise and mess.

It is too much for some older people....so what?

Your mum is entitled to decide who is and who isnt allowed in her home.
And your sister is entitled to decide who is and who isnt in her life
No way would I go near anyone who had rejected 2 of my children.

Well then reap what you sow as they say. She's not unreasonable to say she doesnt want them there (id think she was a cunt myself) but if she not willing to compromise on meeting at a park/soft play then that's on here.

Oh my God! I have 2 year old twin granddaughters and LOVE their visits. Yes, they're lively and exhausting and messy and noisy but so what? I just wish we lived nearer so we could see them more often.

That your mother prefers her grandchildren on screens than talking and running around is really sad.

Your mother has effectively gone non-contact with toddlers (because they can’t visit her and she won’t visit them).
As your sister is mostly the one taking care of the twins, your mother has effectively ended in person contact with her too. Strange thing for her to want but seems like a win for your sister.
She‘s also made a lack of interaction a condition for spending time with the older children.
Your mother may think she can pick up with the twins again when they are five, but you can’t just switch a relationship on, you have to build it. Grandparents have their place in a child’s world through their presence, not through genes alone.

Well, I don't know what you can do about this. Your mother is a bit odd, judging by the little you've told us about her. Right or wrong, she's decided she doesn't want the noise and chaos that come with young children. Unfortunately, that will stunt her relationships with her grandchildren and at least one of her daughters, but if that's what she wants, that's how it must be.

The best thing would be to meet somewhere outside her home for shorter lengths of time, but as your mother objects to being around the younger children at all, that won't work, either.

Is it a permenant ban or can they visit again when they're older?

Imagine not wanting to see your grandchildren.
No way would i only take 2 of my 4 children.
I think if granny doesn't want them there then they should meet up elsewhere or they risk damaging their relationship

Once they can sit down and be quiet or be on a screen then she will be fine.

That's disgraceful. 😠
Think about if the shoe was on the other foot and she banned the eldest child, as say she was high energy and didn't sit still.
That would be ostracising that child.
She is ostracising the twins!
Just a big fat nope 👎

She has obviously forgotten how boisterous toddlers can be!
My own mother went through this before she hit 70, and before becoming bed-bound.
She would say my son and his cousins were being too loud when they were laughing and enjoying themselves. 🙄
I would ask them to be quiet, but every movement and sound was scrutinised and frowned upon.
So our stays were cut short.
We ended up visiting every week or sometimes it stretched to a fortnight, as she was poorly and she was too tired for weekly visits with GC before she passed away. 🫤

She wanted my DS to just sit there and chat to her like an old pal and would ask him 20 questions, er... no. He just wanted to play!
So in the end we compromised!
she would play trains with him 🚂 and he would read books to her 📚
That way they both enjoyed each other's company.

I understand both sides, but they won't be toddlers forever. 🙃
The older two were once toddlers, but maybe it's because it's twice the impact due to twins?

I'm sorry but you cannot expect kids to be sat quiet. If she says leaves the twins, I would tell her they all come as a family package and she can visit their house or all meet up in the park so that the DC can all have fun.
ETA: failing that, you could always buy her a pair of ear defenders for her birthday /christmas 😆
@timetoban 💐

Is this a genuine post? If do it completely beggars belief They are children. 2year olds sre not supposed to sit, nicely or otherwise. Won't be 2 for ever.

Does your sister actually want to see your mum? Does she enjoy the visits? Does she get anything out of it… conversation, warmth, comfort, a sounding ear, love support?

If none of those , she should stop visiting. If she’s doing it out of obligation or guilt, give her permission to stop.