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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

630 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
Saharafordessert · 29/05/2026 21:01

I think home education all sounds rather lovely for a primary school aged child but secondary is a whole different ball game.
It would be very hard for a young person to start secondary having never been in a school before.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 29/05/2026 21:06

cantkeepawayforever · 29/05/2026 17:50

You have to research carefully - will there be space in a desirable school ‘later’? Will the home education you have provided be a sufficient and solid enough base to fly in school when rejoining their age group? Will you understand the vocabulary, the context and the underlying concepts she would have been familiar with well enough to teach them to the same standard as at school?

Teaching ‘content’ is one thing. Teaching for understanding is totally another.

The young person I know who has homeschooled for longest is joining 6th form this summer. They have never spent an hour with a group of their age peers. They have never studied more than 2 subjects in parallel (having taken 1 or 2 GCSEs at a time over 3 years, to a total if 5). Their choice of subjects was severely circumscribed by the narrowness of their previous education (dictated by what exams were accessible to them). Despite there being specific support for homeschooled teens joining this 6th form, it is rare for such pupils to complete the normal courses of study over the usual 2 years, and I can absolutely see why.

Why would homeschooling mean a child has only spent an hour with other children? That’s on the child’s parents. It’s not a standard for homeschooling that you don’t see anyone or have no friends over. In this case it doesn’t sound ideal, but maybe the child is well rounded and had good connection and communication with whoever she has had contact with so had good self-esteem. School can have devastating effects on self-esteem and confidence. So there’s no right answer. How many kids are now coming out of the school system. It’s clearly far worse now than it’s ever been with the pressure to achieve achieve achieve. These are not the only measures of a person for their long term mental health. Wake up people and smell the coffee. I’m sure some of you would homeschool if your child was suffering at school! Many parents are having no choice, but who wants to get to that stage by just allowing your child to suffer then break? No, parents need to be aware and notice if their children are suffering and not to feel school is the only answer.

If I was starting it all again I’d probably homeschool both of my children! So I’m in favour of the OP’s decision. Schools do not care for the whole child they simply fit the system or don’t.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 29/05/2026 21:12

Hellometime · 29/05/2026 17:52

I think some mums do enjoy the whole taking pre schooler to activities and naturally want it to continue. Some HE groups seem similar to toddler groups with parents there socialising just for older age group.
I had a nice life with one dd and only worked pt when she was nursery age. It wasn’t full on 24/7. Especially if you sign them up for activities/music lessons/dance etc.

That’s true, but making a decision for the entire schooling is not a light decision so not at all the same thing. I’m sure the OP is aware of this. It’s not an easy decision. I’d make the same one for my children if I was starting again.

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 21:20

ChelseaBagger · 29/05/2026 19:50

Have you looked at independent primary schools in your area? A good independent school will give you everything you love about your current nursery alongside good quality, professional teaching (and will leave you financially better off than quitting work altogether)

Disclaimer: some independent prep schools are very much geared towards cramming for 11+ exams - make sure you understand the difference!

Independent schools near us are either religious (which is a hard no for us) or focused on academics from very early on. Private school fees are so expensive and I think a lot of parents want to see value in a traditional education than an extension of play based learning/ forest school being the majority of time until seven. We’d consider independent schools later on though it would be a stretch, and we have a couple of grammar schools. At the moment the secondary schools are not good, but some were great 10-15 years ago so all could change by then. Basically I have no plan for l education beyond about Y3 because by then I’ll know much more about what will suit my child and will have up to date information about what’s happening then, rather than trying to predict the future. We could have a Reform government in place then who want to make sure that education will be suitably patriotic which would make state education even less appealing.

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 29/05/2026 21:32

So TWICE now, you've opened a discussion about the topic.

But are angry that others don't understand you or discuss the way YOU want to.

You're having a laugh. You ARE being unreasonable because you SAY you don't want to discuss it, but keep opening discussions and talking about it!

ThankYouNigel · 29/05/2026 21:49

Seabubbles · 29/05/2026 18:59

Oh look another smug judgemental comment, "jealous because they can't home educate or won't" Bore off.

Why does it bother you? A child’s education has always actually legally been a parent’s responsibility, not the state’s, but most opt to delegate to schools. Mass schooling is actually also a relatively recent invention historically.

I respect parents who are prepared to solely take on the job that my children have already had so many teachers and TAs supporting that I’ve lost count. It’s a massive undertaking. I’m actually a qualified teacher myself, but respect choice. I wouldn’t hesitate to home educate if I needed to, I’m fortunate our local state school is excellent, but if it wasn’t or there were other issues, then yeah, I’d be up for it. I admire parents who are up for it!

I prefer parents to retain autonomy than become too dependent and reliant on the state.

Hillarious · 29/05/2026 21:52

Your decision seems so final, but you’ve not yet met your four year old child.

PurplGirl · 29/05/2026 21:52

OP, gently, I wouldn’t make this decision now. I remember when my PFB was one and honestly, I didn’t have a clue about primary schools. My only frame of reference was like you, teacher friends. Who were disillusioned and tired. But actually looking around schools and now having just started my 3rd child at one, the reality is quite different. I cannot overstate how key it is to find the right school. I drive past 3 schools to take mine to a small village school with a focus on nurture and play. My year 2 child spends very little time at a desk. My year 5 child spends more, but still plenty outside, moving around the classroom, sports etc. I have 3 very different children, inc 1 autistic, and they all love school.
Just to add, choosing to spend less time with your baby now in order to afford HE later is really wonky. All research points to better outcomes for children cared for partially or totally at home by their primary caregivers in the first 3 years of life.

hahabahbag · 29/05/2026 21:57

I did homeschool dd1 for reception (lived overseas with a later start date for school) then again later during a protracted move for 6 months. It is not easy, in some ways dd1 was way ahead but i couldn’t teach what school does, then dd2 was difficult to teach and ended up being diagnosed with dyslexia. I’m not saying it’s always bad but don’t have rose tinted glasses and we need some time apart to be good po

hahabahbag · 29/05/2026 21:57

Parents

Seabubbles · 29/05/2026 22:07

This reply has been deleted

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IdBeLionIfISaid · 29/05/2026 22:09

Yeah you sound like a twat. Sorry.

ThankYouNigel · 29/05/2026 22:12

This reply has been deleted

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Wow, you’ve clearly got a lot going on that’s absolutely nothing to do with home educating! I will be reporting this for your foul, disgusting language.

You need to inform yourself as well…you do realise that many parents combine paid work with home educating? Do you actually know any that do? 🤦🏻‍♀️

ThankYouNigel · 29/05/2026 22:13

IdBeLionIfISaid · 29/05/2026 22:09

Yeah you sound like a twat. Sorry.

I don’t care what you think, the OP won’t care what you think, those who are resourceful enough to home educate definitely won’t care what you think 😂

IdBeLionIfISaid · 29/05/2026 22:20

It's so weird how some people have managed to tribalise this thread.

Seabubbles · 29/05/2026 22:22

This reply has been deleted

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Coffeeandbooks88 · 29/05/2026 22:28

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 29/05/2026 20:55

So why even say that then? It’s not an easy choice at all plus loss of earnings.

Because it might actually be true.

cantkeepawayforever · 29/05/2026 22:40

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 29/05/2026 21:06

Why would homeschooling mean a child has only spent an hour with other children? That’s on the child’s parents. It’s not a standard for homeschooling that you don’t see anyone or have no friends over. In this case it doesn’t sound ideal, but maybe the child is well rounded and had good connection and communication with whoever she has had contact with so had good self-esteem. School can have devastating effects on self-esteem and confidence. So there’s no right answer. How many kids are now coming out of the school system. It’s clearly far worse now than it’s ever been with the pressure to achieve achieve achieve. These are not the only measures of a person for their long term mental health. Wake up people and smell the coffee. I’m sure some of you would homeschool if your child was suffering at school! Many parents are having no choice, but who wants to get to that stage by just allowing your child to suffer then break? No, parents need to be aware and notice if their children are suffering and not to feel school is the only answer.

If I was starting it all again I’d probably homeschool both of my children! So I’m in favour of the OP’s decision. Schools do not care for the whole child they simply fit the system or don’t.

Edited

I don’t think it’s unusual for a homeschooled child to have never spent an hour with a group purely of same-age peers. Sure, 1:1 friendships with those of approximately the same age, or other families; time in groups with a wideish age range (say 5 years between youngest and oldest) eg Scouts or music groups; time with parents and their adult peers; small group or 1:1 coaching for particular qualifications with eg 13-18 year olds. But not the dynamics of an A level class of 15-20 students of the same age, groupwork ir paired work etc.

Imuptoolate · 29/05/2026 22:42

I’m a primary school teacher and my eldest son is about to start school this year. Having taught for 10 years and seen the pressure on children increase, I do understand why more parents are taking their children out of school, however I don’t think that Home Ed is necessarily the best alternative to school.

There are so many life skills that children learn at school that I do not believe can be replicated at home:

-How to work with/alongside other people who you don’t like or don’t have anything in common with
-How to take turns to have your voice heard (ie learning that the world does not revolve around you)
-How to share resources
-How to cope with having to do things you don’t like or have no interest in
-How to navigate group dynamics within the class

These are just a few examples of things that your child will have to deal with eventually when they enter the world of work- how will they manage if they have never had experience of dealing with them? I get there are HE groups etc, but it’s not the same as dealing with these situations day in day out at school.

Also, as several other posters have said, the toddler years are a whole different story to having a one year old! See how you feel in a few years.

Dollysleftnip · 29/05/2026 22:45

My child was home educated right up until the last 2 years of secondary School
Only because it was too difficult and expensive for me to arrange GCSEs anyway of course she absolutely smashed it. 10 A stars.
Her artwork is displayed in reception due to being the highest percentage ever achieved by the school for a GCSE yada, yada yada, yada, yada
Naturally, they have completely omitted the information about the fact that she only actually spent two years in the establishment and have claimed all of the Credit

cantkeepawayforever · 29/05/2026 22:45

As I say, I have home educated - for a child who was actively suffering in school. They moved to a new school and thrived after some time at home. Working backwards, I did not feel that I could provide the best opportunities for them for secondary, and so actively sought to ‘mend’ them for the next carefully-chosen school.

So I am not anti HE. I know that HE can be the ‘least worst’ option in some cases. I would just urge anyone undertaking it to plan very very carefully, bearing long term aims in mind.

Dollysleftnip · 29/05/2026 22:46

Also worth bearing in mind as well of course is as the education is a huge huge Financial machine that generators income for thousands of people and without it if we suddenly admitted overnight that it was a load of bollocks
Those people would be out of jobs and not very employable in other capacities

Homeeddy · 29/05/2026 22:47

I haven’t RTFT but I have home educated all my children (up to year 10 or 12 depending on the child). It worked well for us and for many other children and families I’ve known over the years. There’s so much misinformation and misunderstanding about how home ed works. It’s certainly not like what happened in Covid.

My children all have or had friends, did well in exams, learnt things and did things they’d never have done if at school, and transitioned well into school for sixth form and then went to (a very good) university. There’s this image of the home school oddball which just doesn’t reflect reality as I’ve experienced it.

Go for it OP and ignore your defensive and/or judgemental friends.

StrictlyCoffee · 29/05/2026 22:49

Wtf?

Your child is ONE YEAR OLD. How on earth can you have made this decision so early on?

I don’t blame your friends tbh. Besides the fact this is ridiculous to be thinking about at this stage with a 1 year old, it’s frankly insulting to assume you’ll be as good as them at a job they studied and trained for years for.

StrictlyCoffee · 29/05/2026 22:57

And if you talk to them the way you post on here ie that you know everything despite having zero experience, it’s no wonder they’re cheesed off.

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