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AIBU?

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to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

182 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
MexicanDaisy · Today 13:54

Is it worth getting in to such a debate and upset about this when school is a few years away

MexicanDaisy · Today 13:56

You might feel differently in a few years time. You’re still very early on in your parenting journey.

Drivingselfmad · Today 13:57

YANBU to ask your friends not to slag off your decision. They’re entitled to their opinion of course, and maybe they see it as their duty to air it, but it sounds like they have done that, and can now leave you to it.

They are probably speaking from feeling defensive of their role. I’m a teacher and it can feel like quite an embattled profession - so much criticism from so many quarters - and there can be an instinct to push back and want people to see the good and the magic in what we are trying, and managing to an (arguable) extent, to achieve. You rejecting the education system could feel, on some hidden level, like a rejection of them and their hard work. But of course that’s not what it is, and that would be their ‘stuff’, not your responsibility to salve those feelings.

Maybe home ed will be great, maybe it won’t, but ultimately it’s your child, your life, your decision. You’re within your rights to tell them to butt out.

InfoSecInTheCity · Today 13:57

Do the same as you would for unwanted opinions about any topic. Just say “thank you for your opinion” and change the subject. Do not engage in a conversation about it, don’t expand in any way, just repeat until they get the point.

butimamonstersaidthemonster · Today 13:58

How can you make such a major decision 3 years in advance. Lots of things change. Are you planning to give up work to facilitate this?

hopspot · Today 13:58

I’m a teacher. I’m realistic about the challenges but also I’m a huge believer in the positive impact schools can have. If I wasn’t then I couldn’t work in one.

cassandre · Today 13:59

Sorry, as someone who was home educated throughout my entire childhood, I agree with your teacher friends.

AndyBurnhamForPM · Today 14:00

To be honest most home school parents seem to be religious extremists or 'dont want my kids to learn about there them gays' type people so don't blame them for being judgemental

Growingaseed · Today 14:00

I think your description of school is very dramatic. I don't recognise that at all.

The thing is OP it's a decision that affects your child and the entire path and experience of their life. It's the same with anti-vaxxer parents. It's one thing to bite your tongue when someone didn't want the Covid vaccine (etc) but when you hear they are putting their child at risk it's hard not to comment.

I'm not saying it's the same thing. However, it feels quite a rash decision to make when you only have a small baby and don't know what they will be like at 5. I'm not surprised your friends are struggling to not voice their concerns and opinions.

sittingonabeach · Today 14:01

Does seem strange to make a decision so early on, without any regard what your DC might like.

Hellometime · Today 14:01

Your dc is 1. It seems odd to be giving it so much headspace now. It’s understandable teachers believe in school and education being provided by qualified teachers as that’s their job. I’d just say we are considering home education but will decide in a few years, she’s only 1.

Ablondiebutagoody · Today 14:01

I suppose it would be similar for most professionals. Like if you were to tell a barrister friend that you will be representing yourself at your upcoming trial, or an engineer friend that you are designing your own basement extension.

JustAnUdea · Today 14:03

Do whats right for your child as they grow. That might include school. It might not. It might be school some years, not others.

As for your friends... people get very defensive abput the decisions they make in parenting. But theres often more than one right answer.

Ponderingwindow · Today 14:04

Your child is only one. There is no reason to be discussing your plans right now.

At any given age, you and every other parent should prioritize the needs of your child. That might be home education and it might be formal schooling. You won’t really know the best choice until you know your child better.

YourCyanHedgehog · Today 14:04

A lot can change in the coming years. On both sides! As with all parenting advice,take what helps, politely ignore what doesn't. They may feel like personally judged too. People will have strong opinions on your decision to home-ed so consider it home work😄

Iwanttobeafraser · Today 14:05

I agree with your teacher friends. But, that doesn't mean you have to put up wth this. As your child is only 1 I imagine they're thinking you've got time to change your mind. I'd tell them firmly thaty ou don't want to talk about it.

Like any boundary you enforce however, you need to be prepared for the consequences. It may be that they decide you are not someone they want to be friends with because your values and theirs do not align. The reality is that while I've had pleasant interactions with people who homeschool by choice over th eyears, I've yet to meet a homeschooling by choice family where I think, "yeah, we could really be good friends".

Id' also be interested in how YOU talk about homeschooling. You are feeling defensive and attackked. Perhaps they are too for their choice NOT to homeschool or as part of the education system?

Tulipvase · Today 14:05

Of course your friends shouldn’t be unnecessarily negative but perhaps they are just trying to correct some of the beliefs you have? Your average primary school will not have 5 year olds sat at desks for start.

Our area has a very strong home Ed network, might be worth you asking locally about what is in your area.

Scarlettpixie · Today 14:07

For now I would just brush them off and say you will decide nearer the time. It seems to be taking up a lot of head space seeing as your child is only one and lots could change between now and then. I say this as someone who is very supportive of home education and who home ed my son through his GCSES. If they keep banging on about it now you have said it is something you will be doing (if all goes to plan), then it's fine to tell them that you will have to agree to disagree and to please pack it in. That said, if you want them to stop going on about it, you also need to do the same. Some people can be a bit evangelical about it (I am not saying that is what you are doing but you might be without realising).

hopspot · Today 14:07

Op you state that full time school isn’t right for your family. Have you shared your reasons why you believe this with your friends?

Kingdomofsleep · Today 14:08

I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in.

You shouldn't feel "comfortable" teaching all that - even experienced early years teachers are continually professionally developing because it's not as easy as you think.

When your child re-enters school, they may well be very behind. Don't be complacent about your ability to replicate school.

concertinacornflake · Today 14:09

Don't be strident about your choices, and don't discuss it in depth with them.
They are bound to feel defensive.
With things like this can be helpful to be a bit 'we're not sure yet, we might try it, we'd like to give it a try, we'll see how we feel nearer the time' in order to dial down discussion.

Skybluepinky · Today 14:10

Sounds like you like drama, no idea why when your child is so young you would be telling people what you’ll be doing in so many years time.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · Today 14:10

I mean, they’re teachers. I’d be more concerned if they weren’t negative about home schooling!

concertinacornflake · Today 14:11

Kingdomofsleep · Today 14:08

I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in.

You shouldn't feel "comfortable" teaching all that - even experienced early years teachers are continually professionally developing because it's not as easy as you think.

When your child re-enters school, they may well be very behind. Don't be complacent about your ability to replicate school.

The aim isn't to replicate school. Educating one or two is so completely different.
Home ed and school ed can both deliver excellent outcomes using very different methods. They can both deliver very bad outcomes using very different methods.

Strandas · Today 14:13

Have you been to any schools? We have loads of primary schools near us and none have desks for reception age. Pretty much all learning is play based.