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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

189 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
EatingSleeping · Today 15:17

Your teacher friends have been sounding off about their jobs and having a moan. They are now probably horrified that you've made this huge (and arguably premature) decision based on that. No school setting is it's best or worse day.

Where I'm really confused is you seem to be cherrypicking evidence. How can you think of increasing nursery hours pre school (where arguably your one on one carer is much more important) to avoid school?

I'm not anti home schooling overall it is right for some children but there is a real range that exists from very formal and academic settings right up to more alternative style education and learning .

user678435 · Today 15:18

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 14:50

We would use resources to teach our child how to read and do maths. We’re planning on getting the Lovevery Reading and Maths sets which start at age 3 and builds up to age 7. We’ll do projects and I can learn with them as we go through them. Maybe we’ll learn about Florence Nightingale, maybe Anglo Saxons, maybe space and I can follow my child’s interests and get inspiration from other HE parents as to what works and doesn’t. I don’t need to know everything about everything from the start. It doesn’t have to be an echo chamber where if my child expresses an interest in dinosaurs I’ll have to say ‘sorry darling, I only vaguely know what a T rex is’. Information has never been more readily available and we can learn together.

It doesn’t have to be an echo chamber where if my child expresses an interest in dinosaurs I’ll have to say ‘sorry darling, I only vaguely know what a T rex is’. Information has never been more readily available and we can learn together.

Yes, it's true that if you send your child to school you're rendered completely unable to learn about and explore topics they might be interested in. Such a shame that because we sent ours to school we still only vaguely know what a T. rex is (other than that you missed out the period that denotes the end of the genus name).

I have to say, I'm beginning to understand your teacher friends' annoyance. I mean, I'm all for whatever works for a given child and family, but you are quite full of yourself.

User7649527 · Today 15:19

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 14:59

I know it seems odd but the nursery is small and nurturing, and outdoor most of the day. My child loves it and I love it. If school environments were more like that, then I’d love that happily use a school like that. I know it’s the opposite of most parents who SAH in the nursery years and return to work at school age.

Our school is medium sized and nurturing with huge grounds that are used every day. Also amazing facilities that I could never replicate at home (science labs, computing suites, sports pitches, swimming pool, art studios, theatre etc).

Go and visit all your local school fairs? It’s a great way of seeing schools informally (most are open to the public) and getting an idea of the general vibe.

Seabubbles · Today 15:20

I have a friend who is a Home Ed parent and I had to unfolllow her on Facebook and Instagram because of her constant braggy and holier than thou posts - last one being a picture of her children in the sea on a quiet beach on a sunny day with the caption "Our classroom for the day - hope your kids are enjoying their stuffy prisons" Just one example of many insufferable posts, especially about their term time holidays and how "nobody forces their family to conform" Hooray for you get yourself a paper hat.

User7649527 · Today 15:20

One of our local state schools has a huge emphasis on forest school. It’s one form entry, no uniform. Amazing place. (My dc didn’t go but I was really impressed when I went to an open day)

Ryanstartedthefire2 · Today 15:21

Its probably just annoying them that you are undermining their whole profession and thinking you can do a better job of it - with no training? Also, everyones child is precious, theres nothing unusual about how you feel about your childs eduction. I think you should hold off making any decisions until your baby is a bit older personally. It may sound condescending the way you are talking to your friends.

User7649527 · Today 15:24

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 15:17

Not in reception, but there’s a step up in year 1 from play based education to more formal education which includes a significant amount of time at sitting in desks in many schools. Obviously there’s time between now and when my child will be Y1 age, but as it stands reception to Y1 is a big shift in a lot of schools.

You could give it a go though and HE if year one really doesn’t suit your child? I can’t emphasise enough how much you don’t (yet) have a clue about your child age 4/5.

One of my dc was happy at a desk age 3. Another would happily avoid sitting at a desk forever.

I’d have had no clue when they were one which would be which.

WearyAuldWumman · Today 15:24

cassandre · Today 13:59

Sorry, as someone who was home educated throughout my entire childhood, I agree with your teacher friends.

I have friends who home educated. Their eldest child has expressed her regret about missing out on secondary school. (She attended for one year at the end of her schooldays.)

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 15:24

sonjadog · Today 15:16

What if your child really want to go to school and you have spent their early years away working with an idea of home schooling that doesn't happen? What if you have another child or even two in before you child is school age and don't have the time to home school? What if you and your partner split up? What if one of you lose your jobs? There is a saying that goes something like "Man plans, and God laughs". You just can't predict the future in that much detail at this moment in time, especially when it involves a little person who will be nothing like the baby you have right now. Enjoy each stage in life as it comes, don't be living your life with rigid plans for what is going to happen five years from now.

But if I were planning to quit my job until school age, nobody would be posting ‘man plans and god laughs’. DH and I could split up, in which case my child would need to go to school and I would return to work. We would like another child at some point, but that doesn’t change my plans to HE. If my child wants to go to school then I won’t stop that. I’m not ideologically opposed to schools. I just think that as it stands, HE is what feels right for my family in the early primary years and that’s what we’re planning for. Of course plans change, but we (along with most people) make decisions on what we want to do with our future and plan for that.

OP posts:
frumpydump · Today 15:25

YABU. They’re reacting like that for a reason.

Bunnycat101 · Today 15:25

You can’t really decide anything at 1. One of my children would love home school, the other would not be suited to it at all. You don’t yet really know if you’ve got the temperament or child who will respond well to you as a teacher. In our household, home schooling would definitely not be the path to a happy, harmonious home. One would hate it and the one that would love it, would love it so she could just stay with me all the time which would not be that helpful to her development.

Now I do think there are issues within a lot of primaries so I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong to have some worries but there are also massive benefits to learning within a classroom environment. Why don’t you keep your options open and see what your child would respond to best.

GodThatsBrilliant · Today 15:26

they're 1?

User7649527 · Today 15:29

SettledAndHappy · Today 15:12

I think this is a misconception of home ed. Playtime, dealing with friendships and relationships with other adults are some of the reasons I as an ex-teacher chose to home ed, because schools provided so few opportunities for this.

I know we have had a very good experience of school and not everyone does. I spent a huge amount of time agonising over schools. My dc are at independent schools. But were at state when very small. In both schools (state and private) the teachers have been phenomenal. So wonderful. I am unendingly grateful for the time, energy, fun and care they pour into the children in their care.

Has every playtime and friendship been brilliant? No. But lots of important lessons have been learned along the way 🥴

Cherrysoup · Today 15:30

Bit early to decide this and I think you’re a bit blinkered, it’s not as black and white as that. I have no idea how you could offer a rounded education of all the topics teachers are experts in. I’ve had a steep learning curve this year teaching English after years of languages only-some similar techniques, of course, but some totally new aspects/terms/techniques. Following a training session by a maths’ teacher, I cannot imagine teaching that subject.

A HE student just joined the school, she is overwhelmed and not coping. The social aspect would concern me most, although I totally empathise with parents complaining about friendships, bullying etc. We have, imo, a fantastic pastoral team, but even they can’t see the mad stuff that occurs on WhatsApp/Snap and the bullying that can happen despite being stamped on/great policies.

SilenceInside · Today 15:31

Practically I don’t know how you’d juggle the needs of a new baby around home educating an older child, particularly in the first few months at least.

Anyway, your teacher friends should probably not be relentlessly negative about your specific decision, given that you’ve now told them about your plans. I would tell them it’s not up for discussion and then swerve any attempts to raise it as a topic. You may have to accept that the teacher friends may feel that they can’t talk about their work or about education in general as a result though.

Zanatdy · Today 15:33

It’s your choice and friends should respect that. It will be a big change from full days at nursery though, but sure you’ll make it work.

ItsPickleRick · Today 15:33

AndyBurnhamForPM · Today 14:00

To be honest most home school parents seem to be religious extremists or 'dont want my kids to learn about there them gays' type people so don't blame them for being judgemental

Most? Do you have a source to back this up,
or is it just your opinion?

WearyAuldWumman · Today 15:33

I think that one of the main difficulties is with regard to qualifications. They're a bit more complicated to organise from home than people realise.

Friends of mine had plans for their children to access O.U. courses, but that didn't quite work out for the eldest. They then decided to enrol another child in a local college when they turned 16, but the child couldn't cope after being home schooled for that length of time.

A boy who had been home schooled came to a school where I worked at one point. He was a lovely lad who attended for one year in order to gain the qualifications he needed for college. I'm unclear as to whether or not he made it.

What I do know is that he had gaps in his education - possibly not helped by the fact that his parents had used science textbooks written by Christian fundamentalists. (He brought one of the into school with him.)

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 15:34

Ryanstartedthefire2 · Today 15:21

Its probably just annoying them that you are undermining their whole profession and thinking you can do a better job of it - with no training? Also, everyones child is precious, theres nothing unusual about how you feel about your childs eduction. I think you should hold off making any decisions until your baby is a bit older personally. It may sound condescending the way you are talking to your friends.

Teaching is far more than teaching a child one to one with unlimited time and resource. There’s no way I could stand in front of a class of 20 4/5 year olds and teach them to read when some of them have been reading since two and some try to swipe through a book like an iPad, some children have SEN but due to SEN schools closing there’s too much pressure on spaces so they’re forced into mainstream school, I’m having to teach in system which the academy leads think is best when I disagree, behaviour issues keep forcing the lesson off track, and some children can’t stay focussed because they didn’t have any breakfast. I couldn’t do that and don’t pretend I can.

I do think that I can do an equivalently good job with my one child where I can set the pace to suit, take breaks as needed, and have a 1:1 pupil teacher ratio.

I haven’t been patronising because I haven’t really explained myself. Mostly because I don’t want a debate.

OP posts:
rollerblind · Today 15:35

🙄

WearyAuldWumman · Today 15:36

ItsPickleRick · Today 15:33

Most? Do you have a source to back this up,
or is it just your opinion?

I've known only one family of homeschooling fundamentalists. The other parents who home schooled did so because they thought that it was best for one of their offspring, but then decided to do the same for the rest.

What they all had in common, in the end, was that their children had a lack of formal qualifications.

Lovingbooks · Today 15:36

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 14:59

I know it seems odd but the nursery is small and nurturing, and outdoor most of the day. My child loves it and I love it. If school environments were more like that, then I’d love that happily use a school like that. I know it’s the opposite of most parents who SAH in the nursery years and return to work at school age.

But there is a difference between traditional mainstream primary education and smaller (mostly private schools) who have the freedom to persue outdoor education or Montessori education. You say you have made the decision which is fine but I don’t get the all of nothing when your child is very young. There is plenty of time to research other options it doesn’t have to be school or home Ed.

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 15:37

Seabubbles · Today 15:20

I have a friend who is a Home Ed parent and I had to unfolllow her on Facebook and Instagram because of her constant braggy and holier than thou posts - last one being a picture of her children in the sea on a quiet beach on a sunny day with the caption "Our classroom for the day - hope your kids are enjoying their stuffy prisons" Just one example of many insufferable posts, especially about their term time holidays and how "nobody forces their family to conform" Hooray for you get yourself a paper hat.

That sounds annoying, but there are annoying people in every walk of life. It doesn’t mean that HE is a bad thing or a good thing.

OP posts:
PhuckTrump · Today 15:40

YABU. Your baby is one. My sister did this—big announcements about how poor the education system is, and how she would be homeschooling her children. Fast forward, and all 3 of her children went to school from day one. You don’t know what type of person your child will be—best to hold off on the grandstanding for now.

ThisGoldFawn · Today 15:42

Your friends are right, YABU