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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

189 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
teaandaflorentineplease · Today 14:36

I only mentioned it because a friend said that our children would be in the same class at school and it felt dishonest to go along with that. I didn’t say anything other than we’re not going to send him to school.

I don’t think that school is for the little people/sheep either as has been suggested. I said that we’re open to schools later on. I’m also not trying to directly replicate school at home. I’m not smug about it, but as a pp says, teaching reading, writing a maths skills to a single child with unlimited time and resource is a task I feel prepared for, and is very different to facing a class of 20 children with vastly different skills and experience which I obviously I don’t think I could do. I haven’t explained reasoning to friends because I don’t want to sound too negative about schools, I’ve just said that we want to teach him at home in the early years and we’ll see after that.

The reason that we’ve made the decision so early is that I’ll be quitting my job to do this. We’re saving as much of my salary as possible to put into a SIPP for me to mitigate this hoping that a large amount compounding will help mitigate years of non-payments. We’re living on one salary so our lifestyle will be the same when I quit. I’m toying with increasing my work hours now so we can go into HE with as much saved as possible. We’re in a fortunate position that we can live on one salary and DH is happy for this split.

OP posts:
Chimneyissues · Today 14:37

I think home schooling is fine for the right child. I think there are a lot of parents who home school because they think it’s the best thing for their child, when it’s not. I think it’s also true the other way round.
I know someone who home schooled her 2 children and it was totally about issues she had around education apart from what was best for her children. They were thriving in school and have been left with all sort of issues, despite her saying how much she socialises them, they were quite isolated the majority of the time.

PygmyOwl · Today 14:37

I think teachers who moan about their job aren't saying that the whole system is broken. They're just moaning about their job, which let's face it many of us like to do!

I can see the benefits of home ed for some children (eg a child who is being bullied) but I think most kids do better in school.

Kingdomofsleep · Today 14:37

Zapx · Today 14:15

Oh come on…! Any reasonably educated adult could definitely teach the early curriculum to ONE child, to say they couldn’t is ridiculous. The OP is only teaching their own child, not launching into teaching a class of 30 with no experience.

OP the best revenge is living well 😀 We had our own detractors at the start, but after my then 2 year old started reading confidently to them then they soon changed the subject. Have been home educating for many years now. It is hard work at times, of course it is! It’s a great lifestyle though.

Oh come on, indeed. Do you have, or have you had, a child in early years, and did they never learn anything in school that you couldn't have taught them?

Dh and I are "well educated"; we went to a top uni and have glittering exam grades etc. And yet... my dd is in year 1 and comes home having learnt all sorts of things I wouldn't have thought of teaching her, some of which I don't know myself. Phonics mystifies us, I wouldn't think to teach reading like that, and I'm an avid reader. Just because you can do a thing doesn't mean you can teach it.

You'd also be limiting your child to your own interests. Recently dd's been learning about Florence Nightingale and how she revolutionised hospital hygiene, in the Crimean war. Not something I have ever had any interest in, but she's been fascinated.

It's the ultimate echo chamber, where you don't even know what you're not teaching your child.

BerryTwister · Today 14:38

Regardless of anyone’s views on home educating, I think it’s strange that you’re so set on a plan when your child is still a baby. You just don’t know how things will look in 3 years time. You may have another baby, making home educating more difficult. Or your child may make friends locally, and repeatedly say how excited he/she is to go to school with their friends.

You talk about tailoring education to the child’s needs, but you don’t know what your child’s may be.

SeasonalUnicorn · Today 14:39

Everyothertime · Today 14:24

We home ed our kids and made our decision to do so when they were babies. People can be very judgemental, but remember, most of the time when people are being critical, it is because they feel threatened. Some people will read your choice to home ed as a criticism of them and their choices. My advice would be to avoid the topic as much as possible and really try not to be critical of schools or what their choices are. Change the subject. I would also suggest starting to reach out to the home ed community. We tend to socialise as families, so there are people with babies and toddlers about.
Just to answer a few points from the thread: I am sorry if people used to find home ed isolating and problematic, however home ed has changed massively in recent years. There are tons of us now and social meets are common. We can join a group every day of the week, if we choose. This increase in numbers also means that educational resources and provision has greatly increased. Please don't judge home ed in 2026 by what it was like, even 10 years ago.
A second point is to ask why the OP should not have made a choice about home ed yet? If she was planning to send her child to school, it would not be surprising to make that choice now - why should this be different? Surely either way it will depend on the family set up and personalities at that time?
Finally, the most common occupation of home edders that I know - are ex-teachers.

Who's feeling threatened?

Replying to point out that her school description is factually incorrect is just that, facts.

Have preference, but no need to try to describe schools as horribly damaging and repressive prison camps is ridiculous. Plenty of kids thrive at schools, receive a very good education, have a great social life, do all the clubs and hobbies and are nowhere damaged or missing out because they have a school structure with a fixed routine, and their parents use these hours to do other things.

Even state school offer opportunities, like trips in secondary, that homeschooled kids will never have, unless their parents are very wealthy.

It's not all black and white.

CocoaTea · Today 14:39

@teaandaflorentineplease

Did I read this correctly - you have made this decision when your child is only 1 year old? Is that correct?

HisNotHes · Today 14:40

You’ve made a decision to home educate at age one. You’ve no real idea yet.

Ophy83 · Today 14:40

Thanks to Covid a lot of parents do have experience of having to home educate. It was bloody difficult, the kids much preferred being at school for their lessons and doing fun/home things with us. There is also a considerable social benefit to them being at school.

Have you researched the schools near you? Schools may have tight budgets but ours haven't experienced the behaviour issues you refer to (state schools, Kent)

teaandaflorentineplease · Today 14:41

Favouritefruits · Today 14:33

your child is one year old, cross that bridge when you come to it! How have you asked your local school about flexi schooling when your child is 1, the heads and senior leaders might of changed by the time your child’s due to start and they may change their minds on flexi schooling.

I can honestly say I have never seen a school where the children start in reception and are sat at desks? Most reception classes don’t even have desks.

That’s true, they might have done, but I joined local HE Facebook groups while researching and the people who have tired have been rejected. I may well apply for a place for my child and see if that’s changed when the time comes.

The reason that I don’t want to cross the bridge when we come to it is our financial planning will be very different if my child is in school and I’m working vs me quitting my job to HE. Since we’re planning HE I’m front loading my pension as much as possible instead of overpaying the mortgage or saving. I’m also considering working and four or five day week in the interim to really save as much as we can before committing to a single salary.

OP posts:
SeasonalUnicorn · Today 14:42

Zapx · Today 14:15

Oh come on…! Any reasonably educated adult could definitely teach the early curriculum to ONE child, to say they couldn’t is ridiculous. The OP is only teaching their own child, not launching into teaching a class of 30 with no experience.

OP the best revenge is living well 😀 We had our own detractors at the start, but after my then 2 year old started reading confidently to them then they soon changed the subject. Have been home educating for many years now. It is hard work at times, of course it is! It’s a great lifestyle though.

you started homeschooling and teaching your 2 year old to read "confidently" from 2?

😂

what's the actual point of that?

fartotheleftside · Today 14:42

Home schooling, in the vast majority of cases where it's not being done out of a real need like SEND, makes kids isolated, unsocialised and intellectually and socially behind. Sorry.

Yes schools are shit in many ways but kids deserve to be out in the community making connections and learning about the world on your own. Don't isolate them from having a normal childhood.

Mixerfixer · Today 14:43

sittingonabeach · Today 14:01

Does seem strange to make a decision so early on, without any regard what your DC might like.

Does having a "regard what your DC might like" work the other way round too?

BerryTwister · Today 14:43

OP what will you do if your 4 year old sees their peers going to school, and says they want to go too? Cries as he/she sees the local kids walking past the window on the way to school? Wants to play team sports and do school shows and stuff?

SilenceInside · Today 14:43

@teaandaflorentineplease you and your DH could both work part time and both be involved in your child’s home education. Would that be worth considering rather than you taking on the entirety of the responsibility and the career hit?

Electricsausages · Today 14:44

Why did you need to announce to everyone,you may change your minds as your kid grows and starts saying ‘no’ to doing anything learning related with you

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · Today 14:44

Drivingselfmad · Today 13:57

YANBU to ask your friends not to slag off your decision. They’re entitled to their opinion of course, and maybe they see it as their duty to air it, but it sounds like they have done that, and can now leave you to it.

They are probably speaking from feeling defensive of their role. I’m a teacher and it can feel like quite an embattled profession - so much criticism from so many quarters - and there can be an instinct to push back and want people to see the good and the magic in what we are trying, and managing to an (arguable) extent, to achieve. You rejecting the education system could feel, on some hidden level, like a rejection of them and their hard work. But of course that’s not what it is, and that would be their ‘stuff’, not your responsibility to salve those feelings.

Maybe home ed will be great, maybe it won’t, but ultimately it’s your child, your life, your decision. You’re within your rights to tell them to butt out.

This poster nails it. I'm very highly educated (phD level) but I'm not a teacher and I couldn't give my children what they get from their teachers- not even close. I'm constantly in awe of their teachers and the amazing job they do and the things my children learn. And that's purely talking about education, to say nothing of the invaluable social benefits of school.

NowtSalamander · Today 14:45

I think your friends should stop giving you unwanted advice on your life choices, certainly.
I have to say though, that as a teacher, if you were sharing with me that you were confident you could easily teach reading, writing etc and everything else do through projects I would splutter in disbelief, which makes me think you might be in the wrong here. I’m a secondary English teacher who had about a decade of experience when my first child was born. I never attempted to teach her to read as I found phonics quite beyond me. If you’re giving trained professionals the idea that their jobs are easy, YABVU.

MotherofPufflings · Today 14:45

Are you putting your child in childcare in the interim? Working as much as possible while your child is a baby so that you can afford to home school when they're older is unusual, to say the least.

luckylavender · Today 14:45

I personally find the whole idea of Home Ed quite dangerous. It speaks to me of adults in the future having no proper foundation and always being different from their peers. No one has the ability and the education to teach every subject. Home ed can never replicate a class environment, friends for life, shared experience. Understanding that everyone is different and everyone has things they are good and bad at. And worse the extreme cases where children are home schooled to be abused or worse. I think it needs much stronger rules.

Mischance · Today 14:46

The OP is right ... it is somewhat contradictory!

For what it's worth I applaud your decision. You will find there are home ed support groups all over the country now and I am sure you will find these helpful.

My friend home educated all 3 of hers and they are doing brilliantly.

People do slag off the idea of home Ed and it is true that there are parents who do not do this properly, but equally there are thousands of others who provide their children with a splendid, personally tailored education combined with other group activities, and cofident rounded young people are the result.

Lots of good luck to you.

LlynTegid · Today 14:46

I agree with how education has gone, has got worse, in part because of the lack of funding, in part because of the social issues that have worsened for various reasons.

I still think that school is a least worst option for a child.

Mixerfixer · Today 14:46

HisNotHes · Today 14:40

You’ve made a decision to home educate at age one. You’ve no real idea yet.

Lots of parents assume their child is going to go to school or even put their children's names down for a particular school as soon as they're born. Do you think that's strange?

Everydayimhuffling · Today 14:47

Where's your DC while you work now? Are you planning on going from full time nursery to home school? It seems odd to me that you would have so much trust in nursery education and so little in school education.

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