Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

Her daughters feelings are more valid then hers in my opinion here.

Ex wife is batshit crazy and probably jealous of your amazing qualifications. Keep doing you and I hope your partner told his ex to keep her beak out.

So 15 yo gets a splinter. You ask before helping and her Mum objects?

Mum is a fruit loop. No doubt she would have objected even louder if you had failed to intervene and her daughter continued to suffer with the splinter still in her foot.

I’m not a surgeon, but if any visitor to my house got a splinter I would offer to help get it out - either by offering use of tweezers or a medicine syringe, or by trying to remove it myself or anything else that could help.

Look, I can understand the whole being jealous of the other person in your kids' lives, but she's clearly a melt. If one of my kids had hurt themselves, then I'd have been only too glad to have had someone help them.

Now where I think crosses the line is if the step parent starts to tell the child to stay away from their biological parent, or to just not talk to them, or to cut them out. Ask me how I know 🙂

I think the phrase 'my feelings are valid' is used to mean 'my feelings are justified'.
All feelings are valid. They exist, people have feelings, it's healthy for the person themselves to acknowledge them. They can be justified or not though (the whole basis of AIBU!), and other people don't have to concern themselves with your feelings if unjustified.

I would be interested to know how she would react if there was another issue like this and OP refused to help.

"but DD was in pain and [OP] is a surgeon she should have helped!!"
"But you said that she crossed a boundary last time"
"Thats not the point!!!!"

You and DP need to just roll your eyes and say “whatever” and then think no more about it. Ex sounds jealous about your profession and how you helped her DD. Just ignore her. As long as DD was fine than that’s it.

She's crossed a boundary by bringing her ridiculous feelings to your attention. No, feelings are not always valid and other people don't always need to know about them. If you can't be rational, keep them to yourself.

I can solve this for you. She has to tell people her ex is now with a surgeon. That probably cuts deeper than any splinter ever could. Ignore her idiotic and envy inspired ways.

She’s batshit.

The ex is batshit.
Any one mother or not would be delighted if a surgeon with a steady hand removed a splinter.

Agree with this, she’s batshit

Next time something happens, tell mum to go sit in A&E for 6 hours or have a fight trying to get a GP appointment to get her treated. Your sdd had a Dr on tap. Ignore the silly cow. It’s not like you chopped her foot off 🙄

Get partner to tell her it was a splinter, not her spleen 🙂

That’s quite worrying that a mother would rather their child be in pain and potentially get an infection rather than let someone, who is more than qualified, help her.
What was her preferred outcome?

A 15 year old can ask who ever they want to remove a chuffing splinter. It’s nothing, a bit like giving a kid a plaster.

There must be more to this .

What was the alternative? Leave it until it infected.

No in this case you did the right thing and did not cross any boundary.

I would ignore the ex wife. Don’t feed her.

@Peony1985 Not 'more to this' than from my side, that's for sure. Perhaps from the mother's side there is - but nothing I've done nor am aware of.

That really is the story! No details I'm omitting! 😂

This exactly
it would have been worse if you’d left it!!!

the ex wife sounds a nut job!

Just ignore and let your husband deal with her.

She sounds unhinged.

Anybody normal would be delighted that a medical professional was on hand to sort out their daughter’s problem.
She is obviously extremely strange.

No, you did not cross a boundary. If the father was okay with you treating his daughter's foot at the time of injury while she was in his custodial care, the mother's aversion to you providing the care doesn't matter.

The father really needs to step up with his child's mother about what the boundaries are for his child at his house including taking care of minor injuries. It is assumed they both have the same duty of care to the child while the child is in their respective custody, ergo, he has the same rights she does when the child is in his care.

What did the mother want you to do, leave it and send her dd home with it in her foot causing her discomfort/pain/ drs visit when it gets embedded!

sounds like she would have moaned either way.

I think even if you weren’t a surgeon with a stead hand you would have done nothing wrong. Kids are lucky when they have extra people be it step parents/family friends etc to care for them. Takes a village and all that

She is a tad bitter maybe. What a silly thing to complain about

I'd have called you to thank you for helping my child. The child was helped at home by someone who they know and ate obviously comfortable with. But I think had you taken the child to a Dr to have the splinter removed she'd have said why didn't you do it yourself. You did the right thing.