Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

Crazy. I'd be happy if a stranger, with consent, took out a splinter from my teenager. They're annoying as hell! Splinters, I mean... But also some teenagers.

You're absolutely fine. If it's possible, DH should just ignore those messages, don't feed the monster. Or have a stock response of 'DD is happy with the situation, that's all that matters.'

Sounds like she's jealous that you're close enough to her daughter, that her daughter trusts you to do that for her. Don't give her any more headspace (but I understand why you came to double check, it was a bizarre thing to accuse you of! 😅)

Oh god sorry - that wasn't what I meant at all!

I meant have confidence in your judgement. I think it's already been said on this thread many times, any rational person would have been grateful to you for 'interfering' 😁

The mother is a prat the daughter is old enough to decide for herself

What a horrible woman ignore. She's jealous and looking for a fight. Any normal person would be pleased and grateful that you helped.

I have to say I’d be careful about not encouraging the ‘my feelings are valid’ from the ex.

Because let’s be honest there, her feelings could be for anything. I mean she could decide that you being in the house and talking to her dcs is ‘intervening’ because it might influence their views/choices and therefore shouldn’t be allowed.

Mum needs to start letting her dd grow up and treat her as the adult she is becoming.
And she might need reminding (by the dad!) of that fact.

Surgeons are drs.... (doi anaesthetist, who's also a dr)

Well
I think you did a nice thing. Batshit ex wife.

But surely its the child and her parents whose opinions matter. Not our opinions?

If the ex doesn't like you helping the daughter in a medical way, and the Dad isn't bothered either way.....then don't help out again

But its THEIR opinions and feelings which are important

She sounds a bit unhinged to me - maybe jealous - who knows???
You've done a nice thing as a Dr and surgeon to remove the splinter and save them lots of bother of having to go to their GP or a walk in clinic. Honestly, anyone normal would have been happy!

*edited as got their ages mixed up!

Ridiculous and also saved everyone’s time by sorting it out.

@stclementeee YANBU!

It's nothing to do with overstepping. You merely applied common sense. The girl had a splinter and you removed it.

If one of my kids had a splinter and a surgeon was offering to remove it rather than me then of course I'd get the surgeon to do it!

The mother sounds deranged. probably jealous.

Some step-parents can do nothing right in the eyes of some biological parents, said as a step-parent of 20 years, and the child of (very acrimoniously) divorced and re-married parents.

Her mother is bat shit.

You have however reminded me of a cub scout leader who removed a large splinter from my hand on a weeks cub camp about 35 years ago. She used the unsterilised pin on the back of a badge she had just removed from her shirt, and when I cried in pain, another cub leader held my arm to stop me squirming and get the job done.

Sounds horrific now, but at the time that was what happened. My own mum certainly wasn't concerned, just grateful someone was there to deal with it. I certainly wasn't traumatised by it.

So here is what the ex needs to understand, her feelings are valid for her, because she feels that way but it is not appropriate in this scenario to chastise you or your partner. Her feelings are for her alone to get her head around, this is not your issue.

Whilst DSD was with her Father and you, he is the parental role and he deals with issues that arise in the moment, not Mum, as he is parentally in control and not her. He approved your actions, which were wholly reasonable and indeed DSD granted prior agreement, therefore within the context of the event, everything was handled appropriately.

However in fairness, it is hard for a Mum to accept that she was not needed and the feelings she is having are natural but are not your problem and she needs to understand this and get her head around it. This will be tough for her but she needs to do this to move forward because this will arise again and working together is far better than creating angst when its not needed.

YOU can do nothing, it is up to your partner to outline this without arguing and with some sympathy, because, mark my words, if it hasn't happened already, there will be times when he will be upset/annoyed that things happened on Mums time that he was not aware of and had no input in.

The trick is understanding that pain, contain it and appreciating that the things that needed to be done, were done to no-ones detriment...breath in and let it gooooo.

What did she expect you to do? Take her home? Go to A and E?
You did nothing wrong .

Seriously?? A surgeon is a super specialised doctor. How do you not know this? Did you think surgeons were barbers??

How does your dp intend to manage this?

If my child is in pain and needs a hand with something to help them feel better, a surgeon would be an excellent person for the job in my book, regardless of if they’re with my ex or not 😂 some people are just bonkers, op. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

I wonder why she's the ex! You did a nice thing, something anyone would've done in this situation. No boundaries crossed!

I’m wondering now actually if she is one of those women that would have hit the roof if you’d sent her home with the splinter still in 🤔 any excuse to act aggrieved, you couldn’t have won either way I don’t think

Definitely more going on here. I suspect she is jealous of you and looking for any excuse to pick a fight. Also daughter is a consenting adult and you are a professional. Your partner needs to tell the ex to back off.

If course you bloody didn't! For goodness sake, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You took a splinter out of her foot like any responsible adult would, you didn't conduct a flipping gynelogical exam!

What did she want you to do? Leave her hobbling around to develop an infection??

Honestly! Your DP should have told her to give her head a wobble.

My daughter works in medicine and part of her job is that she cannot not treat someone who needs help in an emergency, she could lose her job if she doesnt. So potentially if the barmy ex decided to make a fuss, it could affect that OP's job if she refused medical attention because "it might upset your mum".

And before anyone starts, a splinter can cause many things starting with an infection, via tetanus and ending with sepsis, so within a household they should be treated seriously.

This sounds completely valid and reasonable.

And I also think @stclementeee did nothing wrong. It's the exwife's jealousy.

This is a no win situation. Had your step daughter asked you for help with a splinter and you said "no" the ex would be pissed off at you for not aiding her daughter.

No wonder she's an ex. How bizarre. You did a good thing FFS.