AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

Personally if I could afford it without detriment to myself I would help out with fertility treatment costs for a sibling (or even cousin) unless I really disliked them.
Only you know whether helping with that would be financially possible or not though.

It's your money. Personally, l wouldn't give them a penny. You are not their to subsidise their lives.

The more info you give the more it is clear that he has a neck on him even mentioning this to you!
as for the half siblings clearly this is all about money grabbing! They aren’t really hurt that you didn’t offer them the same, they are just raging that they aren’t getting money.

i think you need to send a WhatsApp to your dad expressing hurt that he deliberately ignored your birthday as a punishment especially as he missed 2 birthdays as a child. Remind him of those years missing and subsequent years of paying more for your half siblings. Ask him where your reparations are? Ask him WHY his money is not untied so that he can help his kids out.

then tell him you are not prepared to take any more shit from him dictating what you do with your money.

Less of the guilt tripping! You might personally do it but OP has already said she doesn’t want to or can’t.

regardless the sibling has a father who could release some assets to help. And if not nobody is owed fertility treatment funding by guilt tripping

This’

They should fuck off.

Its YOUR cash, you can do whatever you want with it. The sheer brass neck of it!

Doesnt matter if they feel hard done by. You want to gift £199million to the local home gor misunderstood chairs? Not their business. They have no right to your money.

OP took on a financial role within the family that normally would have been forfilled by Dad.

This says it all. Dad wasn't there / didn't step up in this role.

So the first family bonded and operated in a way which didn't need him out of necessity.

Dad then comes along and says OP has been shit in not providing the Dad financial role to her younger siblings. Except this still isn't her role. It's his. And they are within a family unit which doesn't have this gap that needs filling. Dad is still there. There is no need for OP to step into Dad financial provider role - cos he's still there. Financially they haven't had to stick together with OP - because Dad is still there.

It wasn't the OPs job to fix. But she didn't because Dad wouldn't. Dad won't match the OPs generous gift to his other children. Because he doesn't see it as his job not responsibility.

But tbh is reality why would you expect anything different from a man who abandoned his three children and hide money from them to fund his lifestyle. Money has always been more important to him that the first children's well being and financial security.

The OP knows this and acted accordingly. Her half siblings probably don't have half a clue because they've not suffered financially.

After reading this two sayings came mind: "As ye sow, so shall ye reap" and 'the sins of the fathers are visited on the children.

He created this whole situation. If hadn't disappeared from your life post-divorce, if he'd been a better father to you and your siblings, and worked hard to foster a relationship between your 'group' and the second 'group' then things might be different between you and them. But he didn't. He needs to keep his trap shut about your gifts to your siblings and open up his wallet and help his 'other' children.

You are entitled to do with your money as you wish.

I think it’s pretty poor of your dad, no matter his own opinions on the matter, to then share the information with your half siblings in the first place.

Why did he feel they needed to know? He’s the one who has “changed the family” or driven a wedge between siblings and half siblings by bringing all this, together with his feelings on such, to everyone’s attention.

They didn’t know nor need to and there was no drama before he himself created it.

Bottom line - it’s your money, you do with it as you wish. x

Sadly, your father's behaviour doesn't surprise me now that you have explained this. He is a selfish man who abandoned his 3 children, didn't even provide for them financially and caused a huge amount of stress to your mother, who sounds like a total trouper. It sounds as if he did feel guilty but, because he was unable to go back in time, he focused nearly everything on your half siblings and so feels closer to them than he does his older 3 children. Even given that, he is still innately a selfish man who doesn't want to gift them ££ from his assets but tries to shift this, usually parental, responsibility to you.

Exactly. It's so much easier for this selfish, weak man to pass the buck for his second set of children to @EveryoneIsAsleep rather than to examine his own behaviour. The fact that he has, in effect, cut her off is really, really low.
Honestly, I would strongly consider making this a permanent situation. Is this a man you want in your lifr?

This!

Ideally, the gifts should have been kept discreet in the first place, but if you trusted them… however, their entitlement and emotional blackmailing, is showing who they really are, and that does not deserve any rewarding!

If they’d behaved better, maybe you would have if you could have, maybe not, depends on the dynamics etc., but now they’ll never know.

How upsetting for everyone.
In hindsight, it was a mistake letting your dad and half siblings know about the money you gifted as it raised false expectations. But you didn't realise at the time.
In your position I would write a card to your half siblings explaining that you love them but don't feel the same sense of responsibility towards them as your full siblings so you won't be giving them the same financial help. And I would offer a gift of whatever feels right to you - I don't know the sums involved but say 5K each. If they accept then give it to them making it clear that there won't be more.

This!

Such a shame… 🙁

What’s that saying? No good deed goes unpunished? 🙄🤷‍♀️

@EveryoneIsAsleep what you did to support your (full) siblings was lovely!

Your dad and (half) siblings are being pricks!

Sorry, I realise now it was your siblings who shared the news, in good faith your dad was a decent man. Seems he’s not….

You clearly have not RTFT. OP didn't tell her father, nor her half siblings. As for gifting them 5k each, why the hell should she do that?

OP should bear no sense of responsibility towards them. She is not their parent.

I have read the thread and remember OP saying that she thought her dad would be pleased she had helped her full siblings. She didn't swear them to secrecy when she gave them the financial help, which would be the only way of ensuring her dad and half siblings didn't hear about it.
There's no 'should' about giving the half siblings a gift of course, but in her position I would want to offer one as a sign that they mattered to me even though I don't consider them as close family.

Your full siblings should have kept quiet about the money you gave them.
But do not be blackmailed into giving your half siblings money. Where will it end?
Personally, I would continue to help my full siblings and tell them to be quiet about it.
Ignore your father’s behaviour like ignoring your birthday and carry on as if it doesn’t matter.
A similar thinghappened in my family a couple of years ago where one of my DC was given the deposit for a house by a half siblings but my other DC was given nothing. I have kept completely schtum and it has now faded. Much better all round.

I think this is the most confusing thing about this thread to me - people saying I treat all my children the same. They are not her children.

I think considering what her father did the OP is remarkably unbitter towards his second family.

My biggest issue is with daddy dearest, he can help his own children. He doesn’t want to and he has form for that!

Your Dad is despicable to ignore your birthday over this. I would be asking him why he hasn't stepped up in his role of being a father and why HE hasn't helped the children he had a hand in producing. As for your grabby step siblings, I would no longer be looking after pets etc, I feel embarrassed for them!

They are vile to even ask, let alone expect. I’d cut them all out, tbh.

When they show you who they are believe them!
one half sibling is already not speaking to you and your father has ignored your birthday! So their terms are unless you comply with their demands they are going to treat you like a leper. Keep your money OP the dynamics have already changed within this ‘family’ and you haven’t parted with any money. Accept the silence If a half sibling stops speaking to you over money, they are punishing you for setting a boundary. That is a reflection of their character, not your generosity. The most important thing to remember is that a gift to one person does not create an obligation to anyone else.

I wouldn't give anything to the half siblings in the hope that the family won't change. It's already changed when a half sibling and your dad have stopped speaking to you. Even if you give them money now they'll remember you didn't want to and you'll remember how they stopped speaking to you unless you did!