AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

What would you call it??
and he has not treated his kids equally. He dumped his older 3 for years, the op is convinced he hid income so as not to pay support and the oldest 3 and mum struggled for money, he managed one visit while the op was in college and college lasts for years. Why on earth would you just spout rubbish like in his eyes they are all equal?

Mmm, if anything DF appears to think some of his kids are more equal than others. That's how he's behaved, anyway. Revealed preference.

I wonder if he'd be giving the silent treatment if OP had paid for his second lot of kids house deposits and IVF rather than the first.

He sounds like he’s one of these men that think women should pay for him. He expected your SM to support you and your siblings and work two jobs to do so. Likewise, I wonder whether your DFs second wife (DM of your half-siblings) was responsible for him having a good lifestyle. i.e. she paid for it. She may also be behind your DF re contacting you again.

Him expecting you (as another women with cash) to give money to his second family could be another symptom of that attitude.

There is nothing awful about the term half-siblings. It's a factual way to describe the relationship. If you have an issue with it you can call your own half-siblings whatever you want but you don't get to judge the many people who happily use the term half-siblings within their own family.

That should have read ‘expected your DM to support you. Couldn’t edit.

Remember this bit.

I have full siblings. I also have half siblings my father had whilst we were all abandoned. No maintenance or anything. the age difference is similar to yours (fathers!!). My half siblings got everything we never had plus private school.

if I had had money to help my siblings it would have been full siblings as mum and them were just left like I was plus we grew up together. The half siblings it would be up to themselves to help each other or their parents. Or their grandparents, they have another half of their family that’s nothing to do with you.

so if he mentions it again think of you and mum and the others whilst he went off enjoying his life.

Tbh I think it's a bit weird if you're just drawing an arbitrary line due to being half-siblings vs full, but equally you don't owe anyone any money and they shouldn't feel entitled.

I would also be annoyed at your full siblings for telling everyone about you giving them this money - if they had just kept it to themselves you wouldn't be in this situation.

Apologise? No way is an apology due from the OP.

It’s not an arbitrary line, as she’s explained several times. They’re two different groups of siblings, different ages, different upbringings, different parental engagement. It’s a very clear and understandable line that the pair of half siblings observe when they do things together that don’t involve OP and her full siblings.

This....including the half sibs being fully financially supported throughout their whole childhoods whilst the OP and her sibs were abandoned. Their father has an absolute brass neck expecting @EveryoneIsAsleep to financially support her half sibs now whilst he is comfortably off. What kind of father deliberately shit stirs amongst his children and ignores a birthday as punishment for OP stepping out of line? I'd like to poke his eyes out and he isn't even my dad!

It is not an arbitrary line, it is a boubdary/ categorisation based on mutual feeling and shared experiences resulting in that spacial bonding known as "family".

OP shared a childhood with two siblings, pulling togther through tough times and forging strong supportive relationships. She foesn't have that bond with her half siblings, nor should she be expected to. Even though this inconveniences her dad.

It is weird that anyone shuld need this explaining to them.

Are the "arbitrary line" commentators women who have had first and second sets of children with two fathers, but they have been the constantly present parent, and all the children have grown up in the same household? In that situation, I can see why a woman might be hurt that some of her children don't see the other children as "whole", provided the children have been brought up in an environment where they have felt secure, wanted and taken care of equally. But that feeling of wholeness is going to come from the parents. If the children are made to feel "other" or "half" or "not the chosen ones" or "abandoned", then that's coming from the way the parents or step parents have treated them, and made arrangements within a blended family where some of the children feel left out or are actually missing out. The children should not be blamed for their valid feelings due to adults making decisions that are essentially selfish ones that do not put the children (especially the children from the initial, broken relationship) first.

I'll add that there are plenty of "whole" siblings who do not feel any great affection for or obligation towards each other, again and very often because of differing treatment from their parents that has not engendered any affection and/or bred resentment and division. Golden children and scapegoats, for example.

The bottom line is that a sibling should not feel obliged to look after the financial wants of their other siblings unless there is a significant factor in play, such as them being entrusted with family money/assets/business from parents/grandparents and asked to look after their brothers and sisters. A sibling who has simply had more financial success through their own endeavours should not be parentified.

@Solaitt ’I’m not surprised your dad thinks it will “change the family”. As all his kids are equal to him in his eyes.’

I don’t think so. Daddy dearest completely abandoned his first three children for a couple of years. In that time he began a new family. When he resurfaced and was on the hook for child maintenance, the op’s mother was convinced he hid how much he had so that he would have to pay less towards the upkeep of his first three children. Thanks to the op’s mother, all the three children were kept alive in body and soul despite the dad’s abandonment and subsequent negligent behaviour.

The two children from his second family were not abandoned, and they seemed to have a good lifestyle throughout their lives. Daddy did little to nothing to create a blended family. Never mind he himself doing the bare minimum to engage with his first three children’s lives.

Now he wants op (who he had abandoned, and then neglected) to fork out for his other kids. Not him as their father, but the op. And is really emotionally abusing (i think anyway) the op to the point that he will ignore her birthday to heap the pressure on.

Nah. Daddy will play off anyone it seems to take responsibility instead of him. No matter how unreasonable.

The line was firmly drawn between the siblings when the complete loser father fully abandoned his first 3 children.

This seems right to me. Why is he playing Lord Bountiful with money that isn’t his?

I was very much grown up with "you dont treat one without treating the other".

So this would be:

If you treat your children, they all get treated equally (in whichever way you feel that to be, money, items, time).

The rules are the same for everyone.

I've applied this to my children but also my nieces and nephews. My children are treated to the same amount for Christmas and Birthday. My neices and nephews the same amount as each other too.

And so when I read your post: if you treat one sibling - you treat them all the same.

But something that I think is important to highlight here. It is your money. It's up to you how you spend your money and what on.

I dont have "half siblings" and I don't know what your relationships are like with your family.

You need to do whatever you feel comfortable to do and also know that it isn't about the money. If someone doesn't value you or respect you for you: they aren't "equal" in the equation. You obviously have a great relationship with two of your siblings- what's making the other two less equal? If it's their own attitudes then you're completely with your right to re-evaluate. Do what is comfortable for you.

We were just having the same conversation about who we would share our money with if we won the lottery. I have two brothers who I grew up with in the same household and then my dad went on to have two children with his new wife, who are much younger than me. The younger ones and I do not have any kind of sibling relationship at all. I would give my brothers who I grew up with help but probably not the younger ones purely because I just don't really see them that way 🤷🏼‍♀️ it's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is, and you are of course entitled to do what you want with your own cash.

I wouldn't give half sibs money but your dad should help them out if he's concerned

I think you don't own your half-siblings anything. You're a social generation apart in age, you didn't grow up together, you only saw each-other at visiting week-end. It's your father's responability to treat each of his children the same, and he didn't do that. He left your mom, only paid a minimum in alimony, let your mom strugle to put the 3 of you through school and university. He did all of that for his second-family!

They’re merely just cousin status to me. It’s not their fault but it seems that their privileged life has led to this entitlement. The absolute audacity to demand that you give them your hard earned money is astounding. I really hope you don’t give them a penny.

Oh and it seems like your father really hasn’t changed after all. He let his true colors out didn’t he.

Oh and he shafted your mother before this, and
now he wants to do the same to you. Can’t you see he really hasn’t changed

OP, no good deed goes unpunished!

Your half siblings and dad are entitled to their feelings, but they are not entitled to ask you for money or expect you to give money to your half-siblings just because that's what they think should happen.

You're allowed to help the people you choose to help. No one around you should be expecting anything. I can understand your siblings sharing their good news, but unfortunately your dad and half-siblings have not been gracious or dignified.
If they want to let this affect your relationships, then that's up to them.

I have a similar, but different story. Years ago, my sister got a big payout from work. Not at all prompted by me, a relative knew about this and decided to pay off my mortgage! I was stunned. FYI this amount was about half of what my sister had received. I told my sister, thinking it was important to be honest and I expected her to be happy for me that like her, I had also been given a life changing amount of money. Instead she was upset that she hadn't received the same gift and she felt hurt and thought it was unfair. My mind was blown. She then asked the relative for help and the relative helped her the same as they had helped me. I still to this day feel really uncomfortable that my sister asked and I regret telling her because it put my relative in a really awkward situation. However, at the time it felt like massive news to keep to myself.

People can be very weird where money is concerned! Don't take it personally. Stick to your boundaries and do what feels right to you and let them react however they will. If your dad feels so strongly about it, he can give some of his money to your half-siblings or leave them more when he dies. He can do what he likes with his own money!

Explain the first paragraph please.

I have a full brother and a half brother im close to both so I treat them the same... but its your money and it depends on lots of different things... mainly I think you're very generous to help your siblings and its your choice to do as you wish.
Dad is wrong to ignore you in these ways.. take some space from him and half siblings and go with how YOU feel no one else x

Everyone else here seems to have caught the meaning.