AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

I have a step-grandchild. When their grandmother's partner died, the father complained bitterly to me that the partner hadn't left any money to the grandchild, but should have done because the grandchild called him 'Grandad'. This Grandad was the Other Man.

It was made very clear to me that I couldn't be either 'Granny' or even - as suggested by my husband - an honorary 'Aunty'. I was married to the child's grandfather for 6 years before they were born and married to him for a total of 27 years before he passed away.

By contrast, my husband has a nephew through his half-sibling. The nephew has two children who refer to me as their Great-Aunty. I've had much more warmth and care from that branch of the family than I've ever had from my husband's now adult grandchild or child.

As executor, I've given the child their inheritance from my husband and have given the grandchild a bit more than my husband asked me to pass on. (The grandchild wasn't in the will, but DH told me his wishes.)

I've treated the step-grandchild as a grandchild, but that's never been reciprocated in any way. I don't feel obligated to remember them in my will. I shall remember my grandnieces and grandnephews.

I can totally relate. My parents split when we were late teens/early 20s. We 3 sibs are very close knit and have a fairly low contact relationship with our dad. He's got 2 more kids, much younger and frankly I don't even think of them as siblings. Not in a nasty way but our relationship is very much like distant cousins or niece/nephew. We just have hardly any shared memories or experiences. Even our experiences of Dad are very different as he had retired by the time he had them whereas he was a workaholic and alcoholic (now teetotal) when we were kids. So whilst I don't dislike them, I certainly wouldnt confide in them or give them money. Which I have given to both my "full" siblings. It's just an utterly different relationship and I am sad for you that your Dad can't see that.
Be prepared though that he cuts all 3 of you out of his will. My Dad has already told us that we will get a few sentimental items only and all rhe money goes to his current family

From your Dad’s point of view, you are all his children. From your point of view, there’s the half sibling issue so you are both always going to look at it from different perspectives. Dad needs to be reminded of that…

ultimately it’s your money and you shouldn’t be pressured or guilted by anyone to gift it.

having said that, I was recently upset to learn from a cousin that one of my uncles who is well off offered to give money to another uncle but not to my parent. He owed money to my parent from years ago and that created angst for that parent with their spouse as it was joint funds, to the point it fractured the relationship.

I found this out after spending time with my uncle and after hearing how he left a former partner with their first home debt free….

my parents also housed that uncle when he separated from his first wife.

my parents are dead now, but it’s dented my feelings towards that uncle. His fortune will go to his second wife’s children yet my parent towards the end of their life had little left. Even a visit would have been nice (uncle had been in the same country months earlier).

so in summary it’s better to get this sorted now and try and clear the air, at least with your Dad.

however your siblings should have stayed shut up and also acknowledged the differences in the sibling relationship with the half siblings. They should never have got to know…

You are not their parent and have no obligations to treat your siblings, full and half, the same

I think it’s your dad’s responsibility to treat you all equal rather than yours. So maybe he should give them money if he wants. The fact they one of your half siblings stopped talking to you it s revealing of how real is your relationship. Don’t fall for it and give money.

You have every right to choose if and how you share your money with.
However, the 'half siblings' has never sat comfortably with me.
They are all siblings Imo, irrespective of which parent you share.

Your dad sounds like a knob. I have half siblings on my Mum’s side and half siblings on my Dad’s side. I don’t have any full siblings. My siblings via my Mum are much younger whereas there’s only a few years between the ones from my Dad.

In my eyes my siblings via my Mum are my siblings and my siblings via my Dad are my half siblings. It’s my Dad’s fault I feel like that and if he wanted us to be closer he should have focused on fostering a better relationship between us. I have a completely different relationship with my ones via my Mum as my Mum was the main parent and I’ve never felt like we were any different.

I don’t even buy the siblings via my Dad Christmas or birthday presents and I spoil my other ones! Your Dad shouldn’t be using your birthday as punishment, I’d be telling him to do one and pay for his own kids.

People want to organise things around the family they want to appear. After my mother died, my dad inherited everything. My new stepmother found it very important we were all a family, us and her children, so hers would get all sorts of extra money and she herself then inherit all my family’s money too. Now she’s got it of course that’s less important and it’s going to her two, who only say hello to me politely once every two or three years.

My kids’ dad has two other kids. However he left in a flurry of domestic abuse (from him I mean) and hasn’t seen them for four years. We are a strong little unit. My kids don’t want the link to him of any of his family members as he is so unstable and they like our little unit. If he ever reappears I have no doubt it’ll be to ‘bring all his beautiful kids’ together and emotionally abuse everyone into erasing his deeds.

OP go with your heart. I hate the sound of your dad.

I've personally found how I feel about my half siblings is heavily linked to how I feel about the shared parent (my father). I deeply loved him - and whilst he didn't treat us exactly equal that was situational not due to a preference for one set over the other and I truly believe he loved us all equally. As such, whilst I do have different relationships with my half siblings due to different shared experiences - I find I do love them to the same extent as my full siblings.

For you, your father is frankly a pretty poor parent (mine had his challenges but i felt he was doing his best) and he treated you and your siblings quite badly by comparison from the sounds of it. As such, of course you won't feel as close and there is no expectation you should. If he wanted you to all be equal and close - he was the one who had to set that up in the way he treated you all.

Sometimes it’s not about the actual gift either but how the recipient has carried forward.

after writing my first response I reflected a bit and recalled a conversation this week hubby had with a client. There is a mutual association with a 3rd party.
The 3rd party has just listed their rural property for sale and told neighbours he was struggling, so basically everyone downed tools to assist them.

Fast forward and 3rd party’s eldest gets sent to a very expensive and exclusive school. Neighbours are pissed at him for portraying himself in a poor financial situation etc.

So our client (that’s the best way to describe the connection although not entirely accurate) is airing off to my hubby about that. Hubby knew that the child’s maternal step grandfather is fairly well heeled and would be the one funding the education…. So the neighbours have got the strop with 3rd party who actually hasn’t lied but appearances differ.

that’s how people get riled up over things, through mis representation and appearances.

is it possible your full siblings at some stage hit Dad up for a loan and he is now peeved or feeling duped knowing you’ve saved their day but not the others ?

You’re not an ATM machine.!
hate money and what it does to families.

"Dad you are being unfair. From your pov you are Dad to all of us equally - we are all equally your Dc. But it's not quite the same for us - we are not equal siblings to each other and much as I love them and value them your wife's children have a different Mum - I feel a sense of responsibility to xx siblings because we grew up to look out for each other all those years while Mum was a single parent.
I love half sibs, but I just don't have unlimited money"

You can do what you want with your money and no one is entitled to it. Family relations are never straightforward when it comes to money and I wouldn't have expected them to share how much money they were gifted by you to your dad. It isn't necessary to say the actual sum. As for your dad he hasn't exactly been amazing has he so I'd just leave him to it . He's petty and not particularly nice sounding.

This is a great post! You can use it to explain and shut down any further resentments/moans from dad and half siblings. Tell them and then refuse to re visit the matter.
I'd maybe be inclined to tell them you're their daughter/ half sibling, not their fairy Godmother, if they persist. They're CF's!

Is it really strange? They weren't in the same house all the time like full siblings. They had a completely different family experience, and the only time they spent together was when OP was in a house that wasn't hers.

Anyway, OP. Your choice.
PS I've always wanted a sister, and also a nicer house.. make of that what you will!

They aren’t your responsibility but your dad’s. The gall of him to cut you off. I would leave them be. You can choose what you want to do with your own money.

Some of the posts on here are so bizarre.

You do not owe anyone anything, whether you had the best relationship or not.

You are a sibling.. half sibling, not a parent even in those circumstances your still not entitled to give your money away to anyone.

If they want to ruin their relationship with you over this, let them, this is their issue, not yours.

No one is entitled to your money regardless of how related they are to you. Your dad and half siblings should not have put you in this position - they are the ones causing issues in the family.

It’s your money to do what you want with.
Id be pretty annoyed at my siblings for telling others about the gift.
Whatever way you look at it, this draws a line between your relationship with your full siblings and half siblings - you value your full siblings more and that’s fine! It just might cause some bitterness/ fallouts.

I think that’s the point though isn’t it. Her siblings don’t see them all as a big bunch of siblings, they see themselves as 3 sibs and mum. They mistakenly thought their dad, after his apology, was in support of this unit and so liked to share how they had each other’s backs (well, hope OP was generous). He’s the one who has sought to turn it into a ‘one family’ story.

Shouldn't your dad be providing for his children?

No way would I be giving them money given the way they’ve benefited from your Dad’s money previously compared to you. Another thing to consider is- based on your Dad’s prior behaviour, it’s likely he will leave all his money to his new wife and your half siblings or just his new wife and you won’t see anything. I bet they won’t be keen to share then.

You’ll have to sit in your discomfort then, because it isn’t something that needs to sit comfortably with you. It really isn’t unusual for people to differentiate between half and fill siblings, and to consider them differently. It is what it is.

Hell, people are perfectly free to differentiate between their siblings full stop. They’re individuals in their own right, and someone can love one sibling, be completely indifferent to another, and loathe another again.

@EveryoneIsAsleep it’s really awful what your dad has done, and I wonder if he has a hidden motive in all this, namely a ‘legitimate’ excuse to disinherit you from his estate, by saying he has every right to redress the balance by leaving his estate to them and not you,

Why? so that he doesn’t have to think about making a provision for you should he die before his new wife. Maybe he is worried about the grief he will get from her, especially if they are talking about wills just lately. His new wife may be objecting and demanding everything is left to her. He is maybe too weak, is looking for the easy way out, or his new wife runs rings around him, could that be it?

On the other hand, if his daughters need help it’s on him and not you, but he has already shown the kind of person he is. I’m guessing his new wife gets everything in his will and it then passes to her daughters, and he dubiously justifies it to himself because you chose to help your sisters.

Not a nice way to treat your daughters, whatever the reason, so sorry OP.

I can be a bitch when I feel like it. If he raised it again I'd be very tempted to say you were giving your siblings the maintenance he didn't provide when he left your mother. His new children were well looked after and now you are doing that for the children he left behind.