AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

Yes this. Don’t tell anyone anything unless they need to know!

Ask them which of them will then be gifting the money to you as a sibling too.

You may be devastated but ultimately it isn’t up to you is it. You chose to have a second family; your children didn’t have that choice. How dare you be critical

Exactly!

In my will I will leave everything to my 2 children apart from some significant bequests to 6 of my nieces and nephews out of 14. I definitely won’t be advertising that to any of them. That’s because some of them i like better than others. Perfectly acceptable and i will be dead :-)

No, she doesn't owe them an explanation. But I'm all for family history not being hidden, and I'd assume these younger half-siblings are operating under the fallacy that everything their father gave them growing up, he also gave to their half siblings growing up.

Letting them know the reality might cause them to reconsider their sense of entitlement and maybe, just maybe, grow the fuck up a little bit.

If you were not going to treat all your brothers and sisters (hate siblings) equally then you should have helped none. My mother had two half-sisters who brought her up when both their mother (so they sisters in utero) and her father died when she was 13 or 14. They did not treat her ever as anything other than their sister because she was their sister.
Share with all or share with none, I suppose. I'd include step-brothers and sisters in that. I have a son and daughter, a stepson, grandchildren and step-grandchildren and 4 step-great-grandchildren, I give all the same amount in gifts, always. They are my family and I love them.
However, none of the above have ever suggested that they are entitled to anything from me, ever.

But situations aren’t the same. Should I not help my sister who I am a full blood relative and grew up side by side for 18 years because I can’t also help my step brother who I met aged 26?

Everyone and every family is different.

You giving your father’s children thousands of pounds of money would be the ultimate vindication and exoneration for him for abandoning his first family.

He would be able to tell himself and others that he raised two sets of children so well that the first set of kids gladly make financial outlays to his second set of kids.

You have closed the door on that possibility, hence his petty rage.

If you want to defend this I would point out to your half siblings and Father that they really benefitted from having what is I assume a 2 parent family for their lives so far (if he has stayed in his second marriage), so their opportunities and experiences as children/young adults were far greater then yours.
I have step siblings, not half siblings but even if they were blood related to me, I wouldn’t feel the connection with them as I did/do with my own full siblings.
Full siblings tend to have their shared history to bind them together, half siblings usually spend time in seperate households etc I think it does also make a difference if siblings are connected through a shared Mother then a shared father, not sure why that is though, perhaps it’s because usually when a man remarries and has other children, their previously family is kind of forgotten about?
Personally I wouldn’t bother explaining myself and if it changed the family dynamics then that’s how I would leave it. It sounds like your half siblings are more like really good friends to you rather than relations. They don’t treat you the same as their own full siblings so it’s odd of them to expect that from you, unless your invitations to the holidays were misplaced…
Its a shame that your siblings chose to share details of their gifts, but it’s done now.
If your Dad disappeared for a few years once he had left your childhood home, only saw you once whilst at Uni it sounds like it’s you that have facilitated the relationship, I would stop that now if he’s going to be petty enough to deliberately forget your birthday…

Tell them to F off. They’re not full siblings end of.

That's pretty judgemental. Children are of the family. And having half brothers and sisters has been a normal part of life since the Stone Age (maternal death being what it was). Equally loved, equally treated. My mother's half-sisters were considerably older than her (the elder died twenty years before her, the younger nearer thirty) but they treated her as their sister and she treated them the same. Step- and half-brother/sister families are not new, my aunts and DM were born between 1920 and 1930, my DM being the product of my DGM's second marriage (her first DH died of TB as did their youngest son).
Also, questions require ?

Good point.

Exactly this.

I knew this would be the case:

"He ran his own business and my mum has always said he must have hid money as he didn’t have to pay much in maintenance, pleaded poverty, yet he always had a very good lifestyle and was very successful. His other 2 kids got everything whilst he hardly paid anything for us and my mum worked 2 jobs as we got older to support us"

As a Mum, I saw it as someone snatching the food from my babies mouth to feed theirs - literally. And it is.

Had to work so hard, like your Mum, to put food on the table and keep things going.

So - No. No is a complete sentence in this situation.

And don't let anyone guilt trip you especially the Dad who went away to spend more money elsewhere whilst you were younger ( and also when you were older)

Solidarity.

But parental choices have consequences. There is a difference between a widowed parent remarrying and a divorced parent remarrying in terms of the consequences. Had the siblings and half siblings all grown up together that would be different from what happened here, which was abandonment for two years and financial abandonment for a while longer.

This sounds like cupboard love to me, especially if they’re prepared to cast you aside if you don’t gift them money 😣

Exactly. Your mum did an amazing job.

Well Done to her - and You for making something of yourself despite his absence.

If you share a mother then your body has been built by the same body and you have shared the same intimate internal space, you are siblings (horrible word) in utero. A father is sometimes little more than a sperm donor, even though he is often much more. That's the difference.

No, don’t give in especially now the dad has joined in with them, they’re his kids not yours. Someone will be pushing them to request money.

if you have to, give them a sum of money each and that’s it or they’ll never be off your back!

But the OP’s father didn’t treat his children all the same. He hid money and absented himself from them.

It can hardly be a surprise when his first group of children have a tighter bond together than they do with his second group of children.

No parent can dictate how siblings get along.
They can only control what they choose to offer.

This sounds absolutely insane. I would never ever ask anyone for money just because they gave someone else money. I would be mortified for myself if I did. It’s your money do what you want with it and don’t feel pressured

It can’t help but be hurtful though. Imagine your father not taking your calls, and you know he is being completely unjust. His bond of being a dad so easily pulled away when he can’t manipulate one of his children to throw money at his other children. And he has the gall to talk about family. Just as well op and her siblings have each other.

I think he knows it highlights how unsupportive as a parent he was and remains, so everything is a distraction. He wasn’t there for his first family. They’ve been through hard times, not least because of his abandonment and then neglect. Despite this, they have thrived as a family and are supportive of one another. He doesn’t want the children of his second family expecting he is going to help them out.

I suppose you just have to realise he is very limited as a father. It would help if he didn’t try to deliberately create problems between his children like he has done.

Your reply about how you were brought up made my mind up that you have done the right thing. The other 2 siblings are your Dad's responsibility and it sounds like he wants you to do his job for him and support all of his children! He's probably protecting his own money while guilting you into spending yours. No chance would I be giving them money. Your supporting your full siblings as they have had the same life experience and shortfalls that you have had, all while receiving none or minimal support from your Dad. I bet your mum is so so proud of you. This is not on you for splitting a family, it's on your Dad