AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

It's none of your dad's - or half siblings' - business what you do with your own money.

Your money your choice.

I think a lot of this depends on the finer details of your relationship with your half-siblings. If you were raised with them, treated equally, and had a close relationship in the past, then it seems unfair to exclude them purely on blood.

But if none of this applies and they were more like distant relatives you rarely saw, or if they are getting support from elsewhere, then you don’t owe them as much, or anything.

Ideally your gifts would have been treated with more discretion in the first place.

You should also be annoyed with both your full siblings for blabbing about your gifts to them.

But no, you are under no obligation to treat the other 2 in the same way. How do they know you've got the money to do so, anyway?

I have given quite a lot of money to my oldest 2 nieces to help fund university and will continue to do so. They're my much-loved younger brother's children and I have no children, so am very close to them. I have virtually no contact with my older brother and would give short shrift to any suggestion (if he found out about me helping my nieces) that I "should" similarly gift money to his children. I can't afford to, for one thing!

I'd stop telling people - even family - about your finances. It's not a good idea and as you've seen, doesn't end well.

This

You are not being unreasonable at all, but unfortunately these sort of situations do cause problems within families - your dad may be right that the family relationships may never be quite the same again. So it depends if you're ok with that.

You can do whatever you wish with your own money.
However it seems strange to me that you don’t feel connected to your half siblings, is there a big age gap?
Your half siblings are very cheeky to ask for money.

I'd be devastated is my dc were segregated to full /half siblings. Maybe different because they all have the same dm but different df's.. You have same df but different dm's..
Do you treat them different in other ways? Do they treat you as a full sibling? Xmas /birthdays how do things usually go? If they treat you half arsed then yanbu to do so also.
If your df is so bothered both them missing out he can pay...

Her Dad should be the one gifting money to his children. He has no business ordering one of them what to do with her money.

Ideally your gifts would have been treated with more discretion in the first place.

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Tricky.

I can see it from both sides. You wanted to treat your full siblings, who’ve you grown up with, and your half-siblings consider you a proper family, so want the same respect. It is up to you how you spend your money though.

It’s wrong of them to pressurise you though, and to demand the money.

You are under no obligation to give anyone any money.

I wouldn't be giving money to anyone who thinks it's appropriate to give you the silent treatment for not complying with their requests for money.

How dare they? And your dad is worse, because he's obviously told your half sibs about it & somehow thinks it's your responsibility to give them money.

Fuck no, it's his responsibility if it's anyone's. What an absolute cheek.

If it were not for the fact that they are all either ignoring you or pressuring you and your dad is threatening some sort of long term ‘consequences’ for your perfectly reasonable stance, I’d say maybe id treat them in some way in your position. Not necessarily the same but a gesture of some sort - assuming you can well afford it and want to obviously

Given their grasping cheeky fuckery? Not a chance in hell!

Nailed it

Obviously it’s your money and you can do whatever you want with it.

But I can understand your dad’s point of view that it will change the family. Presumably to him, you are all his equal children and you have drawn a clear dividing line/great big wedge.

You and your two full siblings might find yourself in the awkward position now whereby your dad tries to even things up by giving money himself to the half siblings only.

I’m not saying you were wrong, but as everyone else is saying, this is exactly why actions and conversations about money should be private!

Yanbu generally not all the time but generally siblings from the same mother are closer, raised together, have a better bond than from the same father, they have their own mum. My dad has other children and I don’t even feel the need to want a relationship. However my brother is technically my half brother we share the same mum, raised together, it never even enters my mind that it’s a half sibling, he’s full to me and our bond reflects that.

As others have said, your money, your choice. Very cheeky to expect a gift like this from a sibling (half or otherwise!)

Relationships with half-siblings can also vary massively. My brother is a half sibling but as we had the same mum, we grew up together and I don’t see him as anything other than my brother. My dad (who I have never met) has other children, who are technically as related to me as my brother but are complete strangers who I just happen to share some DNA with

There is quite a big age gap so we were not really raised together. We are not close but they are ok and we have always come together for family occasions.

Mu siblings told our dad about me helping them out. They didn’t think it would be used against me in this way as they just thought our dad would be pleased. He was pleased when I gave my first sibling money but his other kids were younger then and not thinking about houses and children themselves. It’s only since i have given my other sibling money more recently that it’s a problem.

You're not obliged to give generous gifts to anyone.

Your father and your half siblings are being horribly unreasonable.

I'd have kept it quiet to begin with.

Your dad's probably viewing it from the angle of him being father to 5 children, so you help one, you help them all. However, your relationship with your full siblings is stronger and you can't be expected to be a provider for the 2 half siblings that you're not close to.

It's up to you who you give your money to, and he'd be as well to advise your half siblings of that, and be mature about it. He should not threaten you into acquiescing.

I do more things with my full siblings and we are close. I do buy my half siblings nice gifts for birthday and Xmas and I do them favours when I can, I lokkk after their pets when they go on holiday and things like that, but I don’t feel the same way about them as I do my other siblings.

My half siblings are also closer to each other than to us. They go on holiday and socialise together without us, like we do things without them.

It is your money to do as you wish with. The fact that your dad is giving you the silent treatment and trying to guilt you into compliance would have me digging in my heels! Just for that, No!

OP, don't be conned. Half blood or full siblings is irrelevant. If they are willing to cut their relationship with you because you won't give them money, they aren't proper family in the first place. If the only value they see in you is for what they can get, they are not worth bothering with.

I have several siblings. A few years ago I lent a sibling a large sum of money because I knew she needed it urgently. Shortly after, another sibling asked for an even larger sum but he lied about why he needed it. I didn't lend it to him.

My brother didn't cut me off for saying no, and we're still on good terms. He loves me for me. He just accepted I couldn't afford the second loan. If he needed money in the future (and didn't lie about why) I'd lend it to him.

It's tricky - I see your point, but your actions have drawn a very clear 'us vs them' line in the sand and I can understand why your dad is upset because you're all his children.