AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

No good deed goes unpunished! He’s being ridiculous and he’s sitting on a golden egg while he does it. Investments can be withdrawn from. Looks like he’s looking to his older kids to parent his younger ones and taking no personal responsibility.

your money, your decision.

You were very kind to gift this money to your “full” siblings but in doing so have made it very clear to your half siblings that you value them less.
I don’t think they are at all unreasonable to be hurt at that and pull away from you.
I also see where your Dad is coming from.
What I don’t agree with is if they are demanding the same money from you - in their position I would definitely rethink our relationship but also be fully aware that you have the right to gift whatever to whoever.
Are you sure your half siblings are the ones demanding the money, and that it isn’t just your Dad reframing their (understandable) hurt as a request for the same treatment?
I’m sure he wants everything to be equal and feels stuck in the middle.
It would be kindest to reach out to them directly and explain the situation from your point of view, but it depends if you value them enough to bother doing that.

Where families are concerned money is almost certainly the most divisive thing. It is very often the cause for full sibling breakdowns around favouritism and inheritance

You are absolutely right to not feel any obligation and I think your father is out of order. It is a bit naive however to think your siblings making it known would not have any impact

I would say to your Dad ‘My relationship with Jane and Lucy, is nothing like my relationship with Clare and Sarah. For me it’s totally different Dad, I wasn’t raised with them. I won’t be giving them money. I wish I had stipulated to Jane and Lucy to have kept it a secret, because I’ve done something really nice and generous now I’m getting it the neck.’

When your father eventually deigns to speak with you again, I'd be tempted to tell him 'I would if I could but my money is all tied up'.

Can't believe how entitled they all sound. Your dad included. Don't feel pressured into doing anything.

God, your DF sounds awful! He should be happy for the two you helped, not sad for his additional progeny that you didn’t! I’d tell him your circumstances have changed and you are unable to do the same at this point. The half siblings would have blotted their copybook with me the minute they became so entitled anyway!

Not sure what you’re saying here.

OP wasn’t raised with her half siblings. And why would you expect your son to be funded by his half siblings?

You are not being unreasonable. Their mum and dad were the ones who should be giving additional support, if they wanted to, as with your full sibs.

Your Dad is VERY unreasonable both in telling his other children that you helped out your full sibs and in his behaviour towards you. They shouldn't even know.

How is that the same? Op is neither a parent, nor a grandparent to her half siblings by her father.

She helped her siblings out financially when she could, and as she wished. Now their father is expecting her to bankroll all his other children. Whilst not wishing to help them out himself by releasing any money from his own assets to do so. What the father has done by ignoring his child’s birthday as a punishment/pressure is much more damaging to the family bonds. It is quite a nasty thing to do, and he seems very selfish.

It would be hypocritical of him if he didn’t leave everything equally to all his children. That would be a parent/grandparent treating their offspring unequally.

It's actually outrageous that your dad believes in helping adult children to the extent he is upset and angry that his second set don't have help, yet never put any money aside for anyone and went on to have a second family despite not putting any money aside for the first.

You didn't get any money gifted by anyone either.

That could be a thread in itself. When our parents split up, he didn’t see the 3 of us for almost 2 years whilst he got himself sorted. He reappeared with a new wife who was pregnant and started seeing us again. We were 16, 13 and 9 by this point.

He ran his own business and my mum has always said he must have hid money as he didn’t have to pay much in maintenance, pleaded poverty, yet he always had a very good lifestyle and was very successful. His other 2 kids got everything whilst he hardly paid anything for us and my mum worked 2 jobs as we got older to support us.

My dad has apologised to my mum and us for his behaviour back then and obviously none of that is my half siblings fault, but the situation made me and my siblings very close to each other and our mum. I don’t think my dad really realises the damage he did and he has made sarcastic comments about our ‘perfect mum’ when we defend her if he says anything negative about her. She’s not perfect but she did a bloody amazing job when he deserted her with 3 kids and we won’t have him even joking about her.

He was a decent father before all that and I know he feels a lot of guilt, which he should. That’s another reason why I’m shocked at his behaviour over this.

Families!

Thanks for all of your responses. I’m going to walk the dogs to try to clear my head.

I wouldn’t give them anything. Like you said, you don’t have the same relationship.

I have 2 younger sisters, the youngest is my “half” sister, but she has felt like that. She is my sister just as much as the middle one. We grew up together and are really close.

My father (I haven’t spoken to him for 20 years) has 2 children. When I was seeing him (very sporadically) I definitely thought of them as half siblings. For a long time now, I haven’t thought of them at all. If people ask, I have 2 sisters.

Your money is yours to do with as you see fit and nobody should be pressurising you to give money.

However I can see how it might be hurtful to your half siblings that you favour your full siblings and them wanting the same as your full siblings may not so much be about the money but about the treatment and not wanting to feel "less than".

Why hasn’t your dad or their mum provided for them?

He shouldn't have had more children when he wasn't paying for the children he already had.

That could be a thread in itself. When our parents split up, he didn’t see the 3 of us for almost 2 years whilst he got himself sorted. He reappeared with a new wife who was pregnant and started seeing us again. We were 16, 13 and 9 by this point.

Well, that is a thing that needs to be said to him @EveryoneIsAsleep , when he accuses you of "changing the family." He "changed the family" by rejecting & ignoring you for 2 years.

His idea of family is all on his terms, isn't it?

YANBU to give money to whomever you wish. And also not give money to whomever you wish.

Sometimes, fathers need to be told how much they've fucked up a family ... It's hard, but I hope you can resist the emotional blackmail.

Good luck!

I have an older half sister but I always forget it when people ask about family because we haven't grown up together and she's 10 years older. I wouldn't expect anything from her.

You are not their parents, OP. You don't need to gift siblings in the same way you would children. As you say, you are kind of two close groups who come together sometimes and your gifts are based on love and support within that group. It doesn't need to be about parity. It sounds like your father is cheesed off because, as he has money, he maybe feels the pressure to step up and help his younger two. Your DH is entirely right, so be reassured by him.

No YANBU. Up to you who you give money to.

It might be upsetting for your dad to know you don't consider his younger children in the same regard as your full sibs, and it might make him feel he is in an awkward position but tough. He is the one who chose to have a second family, big age gaps between kids then do nothing to promote the sibling relationships. He has created this dynamic. Why would you feel close to them?

They will have their maternal family to help maybe? Or your dad could untie some of his money.

I can't believe the half siblings have asked you for money, CFs!

Point out to your half siblings all the money they’ve already had spent on them by your dad while your mom struggled with multiple jobs! Also that your dad has more than enough to go around and it’s his responsibility to help his kids not you!!

This is always the problem with giving some people in the family money.

No matter how much money you give, there will always be someone else turning up who needs a handout. And all these people do not understand that although someone might be quite wealthy, when there are lots of people on the handout list the money can get swallowed up pretty quickly.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Well, they ARE less than full siblings, aren't they?
They’ll survive this terrible trauma. Astonishing entitlement (and no doubt egged on by their father, whom disbursements to his new family would relieve of any feelings of financial responsibility he may truffle out for them. They all sound a pretty rum lot)

But if I were OP I would now cease close contact with those siblings she gave money to. Any fool could have predicted the effect their telling their father would have on him and the rest of the family, and that it’d mean trouble for OP.
I’d wash my hands of the whole lot of them now.

so your dad didn't kick off when you had only helped sibling 1 and not sibling 2. He didn't say it will change the family, that you should treat all siblings equally etc. He only objects when he feels half-siblings should be entitled to something.