AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

Your father is being unreasonable, not you. You don't have the same relationship with your half-siblings. That's not unusual. Honestly, if you were closer to one full sibling than the other and offered money only to one of them, that would be 'okay', too. You're their sibling, not their parent. There shouldn't be an expectation that you provide equal (or any) financial support to family members of your own generation, and your father is out of order to think that you should feel guilty for not doing so.

It's sad that this has brought friction into your family, but I'd stand my ground, especially as your father could afford to help them himself, if he thinks they need it that desperately.

Your father is demonstrating the height of male entitlement. That you should do something he is not prepared to do. Honestly what a bunch of CFs

It’s absolutely fine to do as you wish with your own money. However saying this, it does scream that you don’t love them, not really like you do your full siblings. If you did, you would be treating them the same. It’s okay to not love them enough to want to help them, which you don’t let’s not kid ourselves. If you are happy for them and your Dad to know this then continue as you are. However, don’t be shocked by their reaction to your feelings.

No one is to blame on either side. They will just see you differently now that how you truly feel about them, ie not that deeply, is out in the open.

The way your father and half-siblings have behaved confirms that you were right not to have made monetary gifts to them

You shouldn’t allow him to emotionally blackmail you into giving his other children money. I think it’s lovely that you helped out the ones you are close with. My husband has a mixture of full, half and step siblings. He loves them all but is only close to one (half). He makes more effort with his half brother as they are close. It is natural to want to help those you’re close to. It isn’t nice that the other siblings are are expecting it from you and applying pressure. Ignoring you is cruel too. I think I’d just detach from them for the time being, until it seems resolved. I’d honestly forget my dad’s birthday to teach him how it feels! Sometimes people only learn when it’s done to them.

Absolutely - and it's hard not to wonder if the father told his second family what OP had done precisely because he wanted to set up expectations/demands

I can understand OP's siblings mentioning it to their dad, but anyone with sense wouldn't have passed it on further, or at least not without speaking to OP first to find out what she wanted to do

It always been really clear that the 3 of us are close and the 2 of them are close. We then come together for family events and help each other out when we can, but I’ve never been under any illusion that I’m loved by them in the same way they love each other and I’m sure they would have said the same. They have nights out and holidays together that we only hear about afterwards which is fine, but to then expect to be treated the same when it comes to this is wrong imo. It seems they were fine with not to be as close to me as my full siblings are before, but now money is involved, they want to be the same. They’ve never pushed for a closer relationship with any of us. As the 3 older ones, it’s been us that has made the relationship as good as it is, not them.

@EveryoneIsAsleep i have a very similar family set up to you. Two half siblings my mum had in her early 20’s, then me and my sister who she had in her mid - late 30’s.

I have a much closer bond with my full sister, but it’s not based on blood. It’s because we’re the same generation (half siblings were older teenagers when I was born), we grew up together and we have a whole shared history together which has understandably translated into us being closer as adults. My half siblings are the same with each other.

Maybe explain to your dad that isn’t not about the distinction between half and full. It’s just about who you are close too.

I disagree that your siblings should have kept it a secret that you gave them both some money. I’m sure they were thrilled and wanted to
share the happy news, they should be able to do
this without all the ridiculous backlash.

I know someone who's doing that with their GCs.

Their late wife, who died in early middle age, left a large-ish sum in trust for her GCs. At the time, there was only one GC, and when he reached 21 the entire fund passed to him. It was enough for a 50% deposit on a property worth around £450k today.

There are now 3 more GCs, so my friend is leaving 50% of everything split beween their 3 children, and the other 50% in trust for the 3 younger GCs who weren't around in time to benefit from granny's trust fund.

Tell your dad that your money is all tied up in investments also. Seems a good enough excuse for him. Of course you are not going to be as close to your dad’s second family and half siblings. Especially when he made no effort with you at university. The way they have treated you and no acknowledged your birthday just shows they just want your money. Glad you mum and siblings are continuing to be supportive to you.

Who would have thought blended families were different from real ones?

Of course it's your money your choice but you should have asked your siblings not to discuss finances with anyone else to avoid the inevitable shitstorm.

What did you think was going to happen if everyone found out

I treat my sister and half sister the same abut we have th same mother and were raised on the same house

Your father is a cheeky piece of shit.

It's very common for some relatives to suddenly want to be considered close family when there's money involved.

I think their behaviour has confirmed exactly why you shouldnt do this for them.

That they wouldn’t go to her with their hands out, as if they’re in any way entitled to her money? Their choice to respond how they have was just that - entirely within their control.

Not sure why OP is more responsible for managing their feelings and reactions than they are.

I think you are well within your rights to give whatever you want to whoever you want. And your approach is understandable as you didn’t even grow up with them.

However, from what you’ve said here I wouldn’t be surprised if your DF tries to even the score via his will.

@EveryoneIsAsleep So dad's money is tied up in investments so he expects you to be the family atm. Well, isn't it a pity that you have used up all your money and the only money that rest are tied up in investments so now it's dad's turn to help his children if he wishes to.

I can't believe the entitlement of the two adult brats- one would think you are their mother who is supposed to treat all her children the same! Do not cave in.

I would agree with this.

I think it’s unfair of them to expect the same when the dynamic isn’t the same. All through your lives there will have been differences; privileges they got that you didn’t and vice versa. This is no different.

All four of my siblings are half siblings (I’m a second relationship whoopsy baby) but I have two sets. I grew up with my mum’s other children and we’re a tight three but I saw my dad’s other children rarely growing up so we’re not close. I’d be heartbroken if our tight three was split by something like this but I wouldn’t expect the same from my dad’s other children.

I didn’t expect this to happen.

I can not even imagine hearing that my half sibling did something for their full sibling and expecting the same from them, because my relationship with them is nothing like as close as the relationship they have with each other. Obviously I underestimated their (and my fathers) sense of entitlement.

I think for me it would depend on how much money I had, and what sort of figures we were talking about.

Of course you are under no obligation to give them any money at all, and your Dad is behaving appallingly.

But I’d be inclined, if I could afford it, to give the half siblings a smaller amount of money, just to keep them happy and ensure the relationships stay civil. I would then tell your Dad that cutting you off, ignoring you and your birthday, was disgraceful , and shows that to him you are just a cash cow. I would distance myself from him after that, and would never help him out in any way ever again.

Indeed. And perhaps OP and her full siblings didn’t get as much of his money as his new family did. I wonder if he has considered whether he has fairly shared his money and indeed time and attention with the children he was no longer in the same home with.