AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

Your dad is an absolute twat for expecting his new family to be funded by you.

Nobody else should know what you do with your money.

How do the half siblings or your dad know?

I would have sworn my full siblings to secrecy.

Keep schtum about your personal finances.

I know. I’m not a big birthday person, but it’s actually really hurt me that he would ignore my birthday. I think he’ll feel bad about it in the future. My siblings and mum are disgusted with him and it’s lovely to have their support, but I feel sad about it and it can never be undone. I can’t imagine ever ignoring my children’s birthdays even if I was a lied with them over something, I would still send a text, card and gift.

I think I’d be furious with your dad for telling the half siblings about the financial help you gave. Why on earth would he do that except to create an expectation on their part and ultimately to put pressure on you. That is awful behaviour and the consequences are obvious. He should have kept his mouth shut.

This.
It's your money to do as you wish with.
But surely you understand that inevitably how you spend your money also sends a big signal about how you view the relationships?

Its interesting that as soon as money is on the scene - people want some.

How much of a relationship did they have with you before they got a wiff of money?

You say ‘if you think I can afford it you definitely can, and they’re your children. They are the children you lived with while you saw me and my siblings other weekend, they are the children you lived with while you didn’t visit me in college and mum and my siblings did. If you wanted me to treat them as full siblings you should have tried harder to parent me like a full dad.’

How about your dad sells his current property, cases in his investments, pays you back for what you have given your siblings, then gives his remaining 3 children (including you!) the same gift.

He has an absolute nerve. Who will be giving you the gift that everyone else gets given if you give your half siblings the same?

In your dad's shoes I think I might just look at ways I could support the younger ones more. But if he doesn't have any financial resources I can understand why he finds it hard. His reaction isn't ok but equally I see my children being raised as a set with their half brother (when at their dads house) and I think he would be shocked to be treated differently by then

They all sound grabby and entitled, it would honestly put me off being in contact with them. Especially the one who thinks it’s okay to keep pressuring you.

Even if they were your full siblings, it’s still your money to do whatever you want with.

If your father wants them to have money that badly maybe he should get his finger out and provide it.

@EveryoneIsAsleep I think you could have made them sign an agreement that it’s just between you 3 and they stick to that. They were utterly naive in thinking your dad would be ok with this arrangement because it’s not £1000 each is it? It’s been life changing. I would have given half siblings a token amount but absolutely would have told the other two to keep it quiet. You are now seen as gift giver of some wealth so I don’t know what you can do. Probably nothing and accept your dad’s annoyance. Then explain he can downsize to release capital or liquidise other savings.

Talk about entitlement. You're not their parent, you're a half sibling who didn't grow up with them, you can do what you wish with your money. As your partner said, why doesn't your Dad help them out as he's clearly got the means to.

My dad has a very big house and ‘investments’ apparently. My partner actually said maybe he should sell his house and share the money with his kids if he feels so strongly about it

Your partner's got a point

Though there's no obligation to give anyone money I'm another who might have considered some sort of gesture for the half siblings, but not when they've behaved like this about it, and frankly I'd tell them exactly that

Bloody hell, talk about "no good deed goes unpunished"!

YANBU, but:-

1. your sibling(s) shouldn't have told your DF
2. your DF should have kept that knowledge to himself
3. your half-siblings should mind their own business and the one kicking off shouldn't be so grabby

Would telling them that you don't have much accessible capital left and that it's all held in trust for your kids or something work, or would that just lead to them expecting some money off you at some point in the future?

If not, I'd be seriously tempted to tell the grabby one that you were considering helping them out but they've blown it by kicking off and being so bloody entitled!

It’s not even about half and full really.

It’s about how close you guys are due to your parent’s behaviour. Your dad didn’t put in the effort for you guys to have a good close sibling relationship.

So you’re helping people you cherish and love. You’re not helping people you saw eow and then barely at all every year. Who as adults you only see on family occasions and when they want you to pet sit it seems.

One sibling is fast enough to cut you off since you won’t be their golden goose and dad’s then being a baby and ignoring your birthday. What a waste of dna is he. Also at least one of his apples didn’t fall far from his rotten tree trunk either.

It’s all part if a common theme really. He didn’t bother much when you were at uni, he’s not bothering about your birthday or talking to you now.
Im sad to say this appears to be a very transactional one side relationship. You are right to be hurt OP, I’m sorry

I would also point out to your dad the age difference - you’ve had longer to start accumulating wealth and your half siblings have still got years in between to catch up financially. They might end up being even wealthier than you! A hand out when they are young would be disincentive for them to work hard.

Presumably your full siblings are backing you up … after all, they could each have said “oh don’t give me all that money … save it and share it with the half siblings if they need it when they reach our age”.

But they didn’t say that.

You aren’t the parent; you don’t have to worry about playing favourites. You are allowed to have favourite siblings!

Congrats OP, you are now the family bank/loan service!
The sulking/stopping contact would be enough for me to be withdrawing all financial assistance. No good deed goes unpunished!

I'm not particularly close to my half siblings - I'm the oldest in what sounds like a similar set up to yours OP. And I think your dad is a massive CF. He can pay for his kid's fertility treatment if he's that bothered. It's far more his responsibility than it is yours.

Generally it’s different when the half’s are on dads side. Because the siblings never live together for long (EOweekend) and dads don’t bother to organise things together like mums do.

Its another downside to men generally being less involved with their children especially after a split.

Perhaps he should sell his ‘very large house’ and free up some capital for his younger children? How many people live in his house now-does he need it?

Im glad your mum and older siblings are being supportive. I think I’d stop trying to contact your dad for a bit and let him reflect on his treatment of you. You don’t owe anyone any money-it’s entirely up to you what you do with it.

If I was the second sibling you recently gave money to, I wouldn’t have mentioned it to the dad though. If the younger siblings are now renting and can’t afford to buy (which they weren’t when your older one got the money), it is pretty clear resentment might start to breed at this point.

It's tricky - I see your point, but your actions have drawn a very clear 'us vs them' line in the sand and I can understand why your dad is upset because you're all his children

I agree with this. Yes, of course it's your money to do with as you wish. You are closer to your full siblings, so I can see why you might want to help them financially, and not your half siblings.

But all actions have consequences. This should never have been discussed with anyone except you and your full siblings if you didn't intend to treat all your siblings in the same way. It was bound to be hurtful to your half siblings, even if all it does is highlight that you don't have a close relationship with them. Your dad is bound to feel upset that you don't see all your siblings in the same way as he does. That said, they have no right to treat you the way they are now - but they are hurt and this is how that hurt is showing. Your dad is not wrong that this will change the family. It's a shame that money can do so much damage, but it's naive at best to think that it won't.

The half siblings need to take it on the chin - they might not like it, but it is inappropriate for them to be making demands.

They just sound grabby. They've done nothing to try and have a closer relationship with the OP - they don't want that, they just want her money. They're the much younger family her father chose to have with his second wife/partner and appears to favour (although not enough to give them any of his own actual money). The OP isn't particularly close to them and certainly doesn't owe them anything. They're being quite disgustingly entitled, presumably facilitated by their even grabbier father who's seen an opportunity to hoard his own funds while passing financial responsibility to his oldest child.

If they were “full” siblings they still wouldn’t have any right to ask this!

I think parents should feel morally obligated to treat their children fairly. I do not think the same about siblings.

Although of course, they are entitled to feel how they like about it.