How would you feel if your husband/partner said this to you?

[Bananatoastie1]

"I think people probably do look at us and wonder what is he doing with her"

In a he could do better way, how would that make you feel?

Some Ibruprofen gel would help with that though?

I would feel angry. Who does he think he is?

I wouldn’t shake off a comment like that. I would see it for what it is.

It's not people saying he is better than you (no one has said this except him), it is him telling you he doesn't think much of you. He is saying he can do better than you. It's a very nasty comment and he a) wanted to hurt you or b) wants to control you by lowering your self esteem until you do feel 'lucky' you are with a twat.

I wouldn’t let it go. I would either confront him with the above (including the twat bit), or I would go and find someone who values and respects me.

I really feel for you. I experienced similar and it absolutely did a number on my self esteem. I truly feel for you, OP. xx

He is lucky to have anyone at all, the arrogant prick.

I know it’s not the point of this thread, but the reactions to Keely Shaye Smith always baffle me. She’s a former model and shes still got that facial bone structure, great hair, well proportioned, dresses glamorously, she’s just bigger. People react like she’s this eyesore (and also as if PB hadn’t also got older and plumper, albeit not as much plumper). I find it totally weird.

Whilst you digest what he’s said. I would start to do some things that will make you feel better and help you understand your worth. Talk to friends. Spend time with them but also tell them what he’s said. I have a DF whose absolute dick of a H regularly says things like this to her. Their reaction will most probably by incredulity and laughter.

Exercise too if you don’t already. It will make you feel stronger and help you to think more clearly about what’s been going on in your relationship.

I hope you find the the strength to call out his absolutely vile BS.

OP I’ve been in this same situation too. My ex husband thought he was something, and I use to always think to myself he walks about like “Mr I AM”. As he got older, his self esteem got bigger.

He would say things to me about my clothes, my weight (I was a size 12), and that I had to work out more.
eventually i caught him cheating, and when I asked why his reply was that “he was way above my league”, and he found someone who was his “equal” she worked out with 2 personal trainers, was always dressed nice (I worked with vulnerable children so would be in jeans/leggings and t shirt when at work) always wore make up and had a good job with a degree (he doesn’t even have a degree), then proceeded to say “look at the state of you”. 5 years on and I still haven’t recovered from that, he make me feel worthless. Him and OW are still together, whilst I’m on my own with my self esteem in tatters.

I hope you find it within yourself to build yourself up and dump him.

Just for a bit of background we are now seperated and divorcing, have been married for 10 years together for over 20 with 2 late teen adults children.
I have been doing alot of ruminating lately and this is one thing that always stuck with me especially since it was a while ago I just wanted to see if other people would be as upset about this as I was or if I was overreacting.

I had one guy deliberately mention what a perfect hourglass one of his exes had like the day after he the first time he saw me without clothes on.

I am hourglass-ish BUT with a fat belly. So I think he was subtly negging me by mentioning how perfect her shape was. He hadn’t complimented me on mine.

The funny thing is he was way fatter than me and the same height (I’m 5ft 2) he was the curviest man I’ve even been with since I’ve always dated skinny or muscular men. But yet I never mentioned my ex with the 6 pack or the ex who was 6ft 3. It shows how different we were.

I said goodbye to him that weekend and thankfully that was the last time I seen him. I just stopped replying to him. I wasnt bothered by his opinions as such but I was just angry that he clearly tried to put me down and make me feel insecure. Especially when he didn’t exactly have a fit and muscular physique.

If a man looks at you and thinks he deserves better it’s a red flag. Men who don’t value you will resent you. A resentful man next to you is a dangerous man.

So he is vain, arrogant and deliberately offensive and cruel to his partner/wife. Does he really have enough good qualities to counterbalance those dreadful ones?

I wouldn’t want to be with a man so insecure he was attempting to make me feel insecure. Glad I joined after your reveal he is an ex.

Some men get off on negging women. Those are men to dump.

No you’re definitely not over-reacting Op, as you can see everyone else would be angry, upset, hurt etc. the fact you have been with him so long and have kids make it’s even worse.

Sounds like the typical situation of men ageing and still seeing themselves as hot and desirable but looking at women their same age and viewing them as past it, even if it’s someone they’ve built a life with.

It’s pathetic and sad, especially when so often it’s the other way around and the woman looks better! This mentality so many hold is one reason why I refuse to date older men.

I’m sure your STBXH will be straight on the apps looking for a woman at least 15 years younger because it’s what he “deserves”Gross. And good riddance to him.

I always try to be the bigger person in situations when I can be, but in this instance i’d say something equally as crushing to him and let him feel shitty too!
what a vile thing to do get rid of him!

Yup. My ex said to me 'You could get those varicose veins fixed you know.' and I retorted 'And you could get a nose job and a facelift but I wasn't going to be rude enough to mention it.'

Sadly, it didn't stop his criticisms of me yet hated me retaliating.

Haha well done for saying something back! I always think of the smart replies days later lol

Irritated me, because frankly, he was punching. NOT that I'm some stunner or anything, but he was a lot older and not particularly good looking (I liked him for his intelligence and sense of humour). I just thought it was bit rich him picking on my appearance.

Not an overreaction OP. It made you see him differently and you can't unsee it. Because it's who he is, however well he hides it. You know it. Other people around you who think he's a good guy haven't experienced that. He may well be a great friend, dad, brother, whatever, but he wasn't a great partner to YOU, and that's all that matters.

The men that say that type of thing are never all that though are they? And even if they are physically OK looking - them being a massive arsehole mostly cancels it out.

Thank fuck for your update.

Well done OP, that man is a nasty man.

It\s not just that he thinks it - that he judges you, and relationships in general, in such transactional terms.

It's that he would say it, knowing that anyone who heard such a thing from the person they loved would be absolutely crushed.

I'd say "and what makes you say that", because in a man's mind when they say things like this they have just had a chance to have sex with someone or have just had had sex with someone else.

What an ego he has. He's probably lucky to have you. Looks are only one part of a relationship. Being kind, caring and loyal are more important imho.

The question should be as was asked.

Trying to hurry people along to your thinking isn't helpful.

There would be many questions after his comment,
Did I hear right,
Did he actually say that,
Did he mean it,
Am I being too sensitive?
Have I taken it the wrong way etc.

Asking the OP question is also valid, people process things differently and if you're insecure, depressed or in a controlling relationship, it's not as easy to just up and leave.

His comment is emotional abuse and it wouldn't be the only unkind thing he's said.
It takes a toll and coming out the other end is the goal, how long it takes can be complicated by all sorts.

It is upsetting and was meant to hurt you. A loving partner wants the best for you, not to make you feel rubbish.
Wishing you a happier time away from him.