AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

Children if they see someone self harming can be affected by it - my nieces saw their mum self harm. As little kids they hid all scissors and knives to stop her doing it. As young adults, the youngest committed suicide, the middle one became anorexic and died before she got to 30yo, the eldest has bulimia but works, is in a relationship and has a child but I know she has issues.

I'm not sure I would be able to tell the diff between scars due to surgery versus those due to self harm. So good shout about an accident. Im sure the kids will talk but as long as the adults in their life aren't DHs like your boss, all is good and the kids will accept what you've said.

To appease the DH boss, could they be disguised? I haven't seen them so not sure if they can be or just how obvious they are. Sorry it's a genuine question to ease the situ.

I don't think you can blanket rugbytots under one experience. It's a franchise business, so one bad experience can't account for franchise's all over the world.

I know my local franchise owner would never dream of saying something like this to their coaches.

There are plenty of rugby franchise companies out there which try to rival rugbytots, so OP could work for a rival company.

Either way, OP, did the boss see you in person and has said this to you as a result of directly seeing your scars or has this been passed on to them?
Also, if you are unhappy about the way this has been worded - all of these franchise companies have a head office who you should be able to find contact details for and you could get in touch with them to see what their stance is on a franchise owner saying this to you as it doesn't sit right with you? See if someone from your company's head office can have a word with them about better approaching such a situation

Sorry this happened op, your boss sounds very lacking in awareness of the matter and is treating you poorly. At that age any children who are curious about your scars can be placated with a simple explanation that you had an accident, or were unwell and the scars are the result of that. No further detail is required. Of course they may look back one day when they’re older and realise what they are, so what? You merely existing with self harm scars is not glamourising self harm, if anything it shows that despite your previous struggles, you have come out of the other side and are able to work and live a life like everyone else. It’s not normalising self harm and implying that it’s okay to do, it’s acknowledging that sometimes people struggle and go through stuff but it doesn’t have to define them for the rest of their lives.

I went to a theme park today and there was a ride operator working on one of the rides who had very visible scars on her arms. I didn’t stare but they caught my eye for a second and to me it was very obvious what they were.

My reaction? I thought good for her, she has obviously had some very serious struggles in the past and yet she hasn’t given up, she is able to work and earn a living and her past hasn’t stopped her. I felt sorry that she had obviously been through a terrible time and I hoped they were in a better place now and if not, that she was being properly supported.

It didn’t affect her ability to carry out her role safely and to the required standards. She was wearing a park branded t-shirt, the same as every other park employee. On a hot day like today it would be completely unreasonable to expect her to cover up because of some scarring. She would likely stand out more if she was wearing long sleeves when every other employee I saw today was wearing short sleeves and be more prone to overheating as a result, which might have affected her ability to do her role.

I actually thought it reflected well on the park that this employee was able to do her job and wear the same uniform as everyone else despite her scars and her struggles. It gave me the impression that they are an understanding employer who doesn’t discriminate against someone because they have struggled in the past and instead look at one’s ability to do the job above all else, which is what really matters. It’s a positive message for their business and may give others who also struggle with self harm or have done in the past some hope.

Once again i’m sorry your employer has made an issue of this rather than supporting you, it can’t be a nice feeling.

Seeing SH scars doesn't normalise self harm. It offers an opportunity to educate and have honest conversations in an age appropriate way.

Yet again, there are loads of adults on this op demonstrating that when they find things uncomfortable, they'd rather hide it than confront their own issues.

Children that young don't need a conversation about self harm. They're only wee kids who don’t need burdened by that kind of subject.

I find it really strange that both of your previous threads reference a teenager daughter who has been asked to cover up her self-harm scars.

Weird fixation, bro.

Which is why she tells them she's fallen off a bike.

If they then ask are they really caused by my coach cutting herself deliberately as a form of self harm, then you can have the conversation. But that's very unlikely.

This is obviously ridiculous. No one would ask you to cover up burn scars, or surgical scars. Things like this just perpetuate stigma around mental health.

Let's not have them visible in front of wee children that young in the first place, and then she wouldn't have to lie to them.

But it’s a part of who someone is and why should they hide it.

My arms are covered in scars that look like self harm scars. They aren’t, they’re scars from domestic violence. People presume they are self harm scars though.

I don’t cover them up, should I because you don’t want your children to see them? I have enough trauma without people making judgement and acting like I’m something dirty that should be hidden.

You can't have it both ways - either they are lied to or a suitable conversation is held.

To expect someone to cover up is an unreasonable expectation, as you can't control other peoples actions and behaviours and also stigmatising.

This is insane. When I was learning to ride a bike (aged 8), my friend fell off hers and broke her arm. Seeing her in a cast every day didn’t make me scared of riding a bike, nor did it make me want to hurt myself and get my arm put in plaster.

I can’t believe some of these responses.

Someone with SH scars wearing a t-shirt isn’t “normalising” self-harm. It’s someone with scars who has been through a terrible experience and come out the other side, who happens to be wearing a t-shirt.

Would you think a very thin person is “normalising” anorexia (which is also socially contagious) and rush your child away from them? Or would you answer your child’s questions about why that person is so thin with a compassionate and age-appropriate explanation?

This is ridiculous. I would be asking where in the hr policies it specifically states self harm scars need to be covered. I would then be asking for a meeting with ur union rep. Absolute assholes.

The same thing is said about gay people, isn't it? Kids don't need to know that sometimes families are made up of a man and another man, or a woman and another woman in case they catch the gay or something.

Strange then, that in countries that have the best and most grown up approaches to education about those matters have the best outcomes. It's almost as if taking the ostrich approach doesn't work.

"Educate" my children? How? By telling them that someone they hopefully admire and trust hated themselves so much they cut themselves? No , I wouldn't teach them that. If your employer wants you to wear a specific uniform, just wear it, or get a different job.

That was your reaction, other kids may have different reactions to things. So don’t call me insane.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5533874-aibu-for-raising-formal-complaint-with-school

Yep, looks like this whole thing might be bullshit.

I'm just going to add my DD is a trainee doctor. I can tell you there are a fair few former self harmers in her cohort.

@@ThisCyanBeaker there are three products on QVC for scar cover and in my experience dermablend is the best.
Tbh I'm shocked by how nasty people can be.
Would these people refuse treatment from my DD?

This thread has been an eye-opener on other people’s attitudes towards self harm. I’m a teacher and mostly keep mine covered but it’s not possible to hide them at all times, they will be visible during swimming or if I need to roll my sleeves up for tasks like personal care (I teach in a special school). It’s sad to think some of my colleagues are probably thinking like this about me and maybe even questioning if I should be working with children although I’m thankful most people have never expressed anything like this in real life.

A really tricky one, I feel for you and especially working in this heat. If you were working with adults, I would say your boss is a moron, but these are young children. Before having them I would absolutely agree ‘they are only 2-5 what are they going to know’, but having my own very inquisitive 5 year old who has been that way since the age of 2 I think about it differently. I personally wouldn’t want my child to see them, not because you should be ashamed, but because he would be asking so many questions. There’s only so many excuses you can give to a child like that before you end up having to tell the truth or something very similar because they don’t take your word as face value. When my parents dog died, I tried the whole ‘she went to heaven, went to play on a farm stuff’, he just kept asking and asking and asking. In the end I just had to say she was dead. Not something I really wanted to expose my 2 year old to at the time but he stopped asking after that. He is also learning to ride a bike so telling him you got hurt by falling off a bike would scare him.

I’m not really sure what the solution is, but just wanted to give my opinion.

One of my best friends has SH scars. They are one of the kindest, funniest, most talented people I have ever known. They have beautiful tattoos, an amazing sense of style and a heart of gold. Their scars are part of who they are.

It is horrific to think so many of you out there would have them ostracised and forced to cover up because it might lead to a conversation with your own kids about mental health. My friend has met my daughter and she has never asked about the scars, let alone wanted to run home and have a go at it herself.

The villifying and pearl clutching on this thread is disgusting.

Well said.

They’re only a problem to ignorant people.

I have ‘inquisitive children’. They know about Santa not being real, about death, all that sort of stuff.

In this case I would tell them that it’s someone else’s body and none of our business how they got the scars. They can ask all they like. OP doesn’t have to explain her scars to anyone and no one has to speculate about her body or history just because their child is ‘inquisitive’.

There's nothing ignorant about not wanting to expose your children to self harm at such a young age.