AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

I think that would be great if you can manage it.

I don’t think your employers spoke to you very sympathetically and I’m sorry.

My friend is a teacher and has her scars out. She’s covered in them so it’s unavoidable sometimes

So what do you think happens years later when they see something online or someone and click that they're just like the scars on their old childhood coaches arms?

Do you think your mentally well child will go out, but a razor and start cutting themselves for fun?

Do you think your mentally ill child will only self harm on the basis of someone they knew once doing it?
Neither of those answers are rational.

Look, that’s my lived experience. One of my children, who’s particularly impressionable does bite their nails now because of me - I know it’s because of me as they also do other picking behaviours that I do that are very uncommon.

You may find it ridiculous, and that’s your right, but I’m entitled to my view.

I always cover mine at school but a) I realised I needed to do that myself rather than being embarrassed by an employer and b) I teach 7-13 year olds so they are much more aware/vulnerable and sometimes doing it themselves.

I imagine I would be told to cover up very quickly by management if I didn't do so myself though and I do think that's right - it's awful for the adult but the children have to be the priority.

I do think you have a point about 2-5 year olds (it hasn't occurred to me to cover mine around my 2 year old nephew yet, though I definitely will when he's older). But I wouldn't want parents to see so would cover them if I were you. It's not difficult. I teach performing arts so similar to you in terms of short sleeves/straps being common but I either wear a long sleeved top underneath, sleeves to the elbow, a shirt or a cardigan. Even in the heat there are plenty of light, cool, longer sleeved options available.

In general life, I don't think anyone should cover up unless they want to. But when working with children in a professional capacity, it's different.

If a 5 or under can recognise a self harm scar, work out how to replicate it and can gain access to something to harm themselves with, I'd say the issues have already begun at home and seeing OP really isn't to blame the way you think it is

His position is ridiculous. He could ask you if you had an answer if children asked but that’s about it.
If you were told me when I was 5 y.o or even 12 y.o that you felt off your bike I wouldn’t think twice.
And what if you were a victim of a knife crime at some point?

My understanding about things like rugbytots is that parents can also watch the session and possibly sometimes need to bring a sibling along, possibly an older sibling. So that may also be something to consider.

Document your bosses comments and all interactions about it - and go to an employment lawyer. So sorry you are have this to deal with. Well done for coming through and staying strong.

Is there a hr? You shouldn't be forced to wear something you don't want to because your boss is being unreasonable. Parents who don't like your arms can fgo elsewhere.

You don't need to censor your language here. It's becoming an issue because it makes it harder for people who want to avoid certain words and who may use a filter because the filter doesn't catch the censored words.

The best teacher I ever had had burn scars on her arms. It was never an issue but she was very matter of fact about them; it might be different if you're self conscious of them because others may pick up on that.

Would a lightweight rash vest be a good compromise? ☺️☺️ Keeps your employer happy but won't make you cook?

That's irrelevant. They're scars not weeping wounds.

@ThisCyanBeaker I think that's disgusting. Your scars are just that, scars, not an optional thing like piercings. Or tattooed, where you are in a better head space to choose where to have them.

they are part of you & part of your history.

I'd ignore them & if it's brought up again take it higher, much higher!!

Sotbey you need to work out how they'll never see anyone smoke, vape, get drunk, swear, never see a scar from someone doing something stupid like falling out of a tree etc. lest they insist of doing it all.

I don't think your employer is being reasonable at all in insisting that you cover scars. And what does he mean that they damage the company image?

Is he trying to say that the company only wants to be associated with "perfect" people? Which I think is worrying if that is the official company policy.

Given you work in sport, does he think that fit/healthy people don't have scars? Which is insane.

Does he imagine people will think you got the scars at work and the children might think rugby is dangerous? Again, ridiculous.

Or does he know your history and think that associating with a former self-harmer will damage the brand?

If the latter, he is an idiot. You are not just a former self-harmer. You are a survivor. His company should be proud to be associated with people that have been through dark times and come out the other side. Heck, perhaps your involvement with sport even helped that.

I think with children you are absolutely right to deflect conversations around your scars, but the reality is that if in future you do work with pre-teens/teenagers there is a significant chance some of those will be vulnerable, and seeing you as a person who survived and is living with scars that no longer define them could be a really valuable message to them.

The reality is people are not as good at hiding things as they think they are. People will always see. If people like yourself who have lived through trauma are forced to hide that fact and act ashamed of it, then others who are going through those challenges now will see that, and will also hide it, and feel ashamed. I don't think that is the best outcome for anyone. Except maybe your manager.

Presumably many on this thread would want her sacked or would be pulling their kids out. Does bode well if those kids do struggle later in life. Oh you're not really depressed, you're just copying your old teacher!

What the boss wants and what they can have are two different things.
Id imagine self harm scars would come under mental health and so disability guidance. Can ask you and not everyone to cover up.

Thankfully!!

@ThisCyanBeaker I hope thus gives you the confidence to ignore the twat & take it much higher if it's mentioned again!

Why?

They're 2-5 if they ask, she says she fell off her bike. They're not going to know any different

How does she draw attention to it?

I do think a different explanation would be more appropriate for a key age group learning to bike ride though!

Maybe they do, but not at 2-5 years & being told they're from falling off her bike.

Have you got an evidence to back that statement up? I’d been keen to read more

Agreed, did a retailer not get in bother with this before?

You have had some horrible comments on here OP. Your employer is a prat. He should be proud to have such a brave, resilient person working for him. You have overcome a huge challenge and now have a healthier life. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

and it is irrelevant to how you coach football to toddlers.

Don't be so rude.

People having a different opinion to you dies not make them brainless.