AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

I'd start looking for another job. I'm sorry you came across this man. Unfortunately dodgy employment practices are rife in sports. You could report it to the governing body of the sport.

I have a friend whose scars were reported to HR by a new colleague. He'd been there for over 10 years, and everyone else knew he had a cat that was allowed to play with his hands and arms...

The practical issue for the employer is this - nobody is obligated to send their 2-5YO to Rugby tots or similar. And as can be seen from this thread plenty if people aren’t going to want to see their child seeing this even if plenty don’t mind at all.

So why spend £££ on a preschool sporting activity if I have any reservations about the coach - perhaps next term we just give Little Kickers a go instead. That’s what he is concerned about - parental complaints (which I suspect have already happened) or putting people off renewing their membership who may say nothing but vote with their wallets. Whether this is employment discrimination is another matter- I’m not sure it is completely clear cut - but this is likely a franchisee looking to protect his business. Whilst it completely sucks for you.

Isn't it better for you to educate your children instead of putting them in a bubble? What if it was a very slim person? How would your child know that the person is naturally very slim or they are throwing up in the toilets after every bite? What if it was an obese person? How would the child know wether the person is eating themselves to death a doughnut at a time or they have Prada-Will (might be wrong sorry) syndrome and can't help it? Why don't you teach your child that some people have disabilities and illnesses, some visible some not, so they can learn empathy, acceptance and inclusivity? How would your child learn to integrate with different people when you, yourself, are the one who is isolating them from the realities of life? From human flaws and imperfect people, because we all are imperfect and flawed? Serious questions, not judging.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, op, and I hope your employers see sense.

And what about the children of people with self harm scars??
This nonesense about mental health has to stop. You do not protect kids from mental illness by pretending it doesnt exist. Instead you will rob them of the ability to discuss it and instill a deep sense of shame and taboo.
I have extensive self harm scars all over my body from childhood. I also have 3 children and work with young adults.
If anyone comments i simply say they are the result of a mental health struggle during childhood. I say this warmly, without shame. No one should feel ashamed of dealing with or talking about mental illness or mental health issues.

I would absolutely tell him to go fuck himself, along with anyone else who has a problem seeing scars on a person for whatever reason.

Just shows how far we still have to go.

I don’t smoke, vape, drink or take drugs. So no, my children are not exposed to these things. And I am not sure how you can compare these to self harming!

I presume your Boss was never good enough to play properly ? so no cauliflower ears, no nose bent out of joint ? Scar's that are deemed socially acceptable on men ?

A decent parent knows that things can be explained, if necessary, in an age-approriate way. In certain parts of the world in certain times people said the same thing about gay people, or black people.

Brushing these things under the carpet is both insulting to the people bearing the scars and doing your kids a disservice in learning tolerance and understanding.

You don't have to use stupid youtube writing here. You are allowed to write 'self harm'.

I'm confused as to what company employs rugby coaches? Is this in the UK? I thought all kids rugby coaches, at club level anyway, were volunteers.

I do worry about that myself, my family is riddled with ND and mental health issues. I'm glad things have moved on in the past 30 years (my great grandmother died in 1996.) Things have definitely improved on that front.

Thank you! ❤️ I have. I have my gorgeous DS now, I need to be strong for him. I got very close to PND when he was born, but it didn't get that bad and things improved.

My 6 year olds would have no concept of what a self harm scar was or would look like. If OPs kids can look at her arms and recognise them as self harm scars given they're 5 and under, there's more wrong in their life than their rugby lessons.

I'd also be interested in the research saying seeing scars makes kids more likely to self harm. Do you mean kids with mh issues or kids without? Does it actually mean they're morel likely to speak out and ask for help?

Maybe the ‘uniform’ reason is just an excuse.

I think the children will see self-harm scars and remember them for the future when they will know what they are, even if they don’t understand them now.

The children most likely admire you and look up to you. It is a shame if the idea of self-harm inadvertently gets endorsement at the back of their minds. Couldn’t you wear a white, long-sleeved, loose, fine cotton tee shirt, or fine, linen shirt? Those materials are cool and reflect the sun. Being bare-skinned isn’t always the best protection from the sun.

Op has clearly said they say they've had an accident, not sit the kdis down and talk about what they did and why. How do you suppose 5 year olds would know then what they are? What are you exposing your 5 year old to that they'd know it wasn't an accident?

unfortualey the job takes place in a warm sports hall sort of thing

They won’t know now, but they’ll remember their pattern and ‘click’ later.

If the scars are obviously from self harm then I can see why in your circumstances they could be regarded as a problem.

People like Satsuma would rather we didn’t exist.

This is simply guess work. Kids see all sorts of things they forget about.

I am simply referring to parents trying to keep some kind of control as much as possible as to when and where these kinds of conversations take place.

What do taekwondo teachers do in warm halls? (I am not being sarcastic. It’s just I have never seen any of them in any other clothes but the cotton tunic and trousers.)

This.

The idea that the 12 year old will suddenly be like "hang on those scare are like my coach when I was 5, wow I loved them. I'm gonna go slec harm now so I can be like them" is ridiculous.

yes I do see what your saying and will of course now have to invest in smth cooler on the day I wore short sleeves I didnt really have an alteritve between my unseal warm base layer and bare arms

And of course all sorts they don’t forget.

Obvious to whom? The preschoolers and early year kids? Seems very unlikely unless their parents or fame have them too and have been told the truth. Obvious to parents? Thry have the right to not use the service OP provided. In the same way piple might withdraw their kids cos the coach is black or gay. Their ignorance isn't ops problem.