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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to keep my two-year-old at nursery when displaying increasing aggressive behaviour?

185 replies

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 18:18

I'm partly posting here as it gets more replies and also because i'm not sure whats best.

I have a lovely 2 year old who has been put on a ABC review due to aggressive behaviour. So far he has been on it a week and it seems to have got worse! He has had around 12 incidents in the space of a week ranging from pushing kids down to trying to hit with items or just straight out smacking them in the face. So far nursery have not identified a single trigger!

He is casually walking up to these kids seemingly happy and then hurting them. There is no overwhelming crying or other kids taking his toys etc. He just seems to walk up to them, hurt them, smile and now runs away from his teachers (I assume as he now knows they are going to remove him from the situation and do a different activity with him.

I'm at a loss of how nursery are going to tackle this when there is seemingly no cause? Could he just be bored?

I guess my aibu is do I let nursery continue to try and work this out and hopefully he doesn't end up being kicked out. Or would it be more reasonable to remove him and keep him at home?

Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
MeetMeOnTheCorner · Yesterday 12:57

@VickyEadie They don’t. It’s totally modern crap. Direct, simple to understand language is so much better. It’s all this gentle parenting stuff. Most schools see the results and many dc haven’t understood a word. No idea why mums have become so afraid of being clear about no meaning no.

ThePoisedOpalBird · Yesterday 13:52

MeetMeOnTheCorner · Yesterday 12:57

@VickyEadie They don’t. It’s totally modern crap. Direct, simple to understand language is so much better. It’s all this gentle parenting stuff. Most schools see the results and many dc haven’t understood a word. No idea why mums have become so afraid of being clear about no meaning no.

I happily use the word no in a nice firm louder tone and it is the most affective thing for us. I think they are a bit more restricted at nursery however and have to teach the gentle hands etc.

OP posts:
FoxandDuck · Yesterday 14:17

I would suggest that you do let nursery know about the family background. You may be concerned about preconceived notions but, at the moment, I think that that should be quite a long way down your list of concerns. You have a 2yr3mo who is struggling to express himself. Nursery are monitoring his behaviour and trying to understand it so that they can support him and keep the other children safe. If he is autistic, some things may trigger him which may not trigger a NT child. If they are conscious that he may be autistic, they may identify these triggers sooner. Or he may not be and so there may be no such triggers. Even if you don’t tell them, they will eventually start to consider this so all this is doing is speeding up the process.
One thing I am conscious of is that, at the beginning of the thread, you asked if you should remove your DS from nursery. That would benefit those children who are currently being randomly pushed etc but I think it could be challenging for you to be at home all day every day with a high needs baby and a toddler and may be more challenging for your DC1 to have evidence in front of him all of the time of you having to split your time between him and DC2. Or he would have to go to another childcare provider and deal with that transition. So if he can stay where he is, that seems to have real benefits. But for that to happen, his behaviour needs to change and that won’t happen until the triggers have been identified.

ThePoisedOpalBird · Yesterday 14:37

FoxandDuck · Yesterday 14:17

I would suggest that you do let nursery know about the family background. You may be concerned about preconceived notions but, at the moment, I think that that should be quite a long way down your list of concerns. You have a 2yr3mo who is struggling to express himself. Nursery are monitoring his behaviour and trying to understand it so that they can support him and keep the other children safe. If he is autistic, some things may trigger him which may not trigger a NT child. If they are conscious that he may be autistic, they may identify these triggers sooner. Or he may not be and so there may be no such triggers. Even if you don’t tell them, they will eventually start to consider this so all this is doing is speeding up the process.
One thing I am conscious of is that, at the beginning of the thread, you asked if you should remove your DS from nursery. That would benefit those children who are currently being randomly pushed etc but I think it could be challenging for you to be at home all day every day with a high needs baby and a toddler and may be more challenging for your DC1 to have evidence in front of him all of the time of you having to split your time between him and DC2. Or he would have to go to another childcare provider and deal with that transition. So if he can stay where he is, that seems to have real benefits. But for that to happen, his behaviour needs to change and that won’t happen until the triggers have been identified.

I guess I am reluctant to say is as we are not diagnosed. We highly suspect we are mildly autistic and some of us habe ADHD.

When we have no formal diagnosis it seems silly to mention it to nursery.

I would assume nursery have experienced ND children and be able to identify if he has any signs. So far his speech is improving every week, he loves his friends and loud noises etc. He doesn't do any stimming or anything.

But I will keep it in mind and perhaps ask nursery if they see any signs.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · Yesterday 14:37

The idea of "gentle hands" is based in evidential practice, but it has become a bit distorted. Essentially it comes from the idea where someone was saying (I think it was on this thread) above about how young toddlers struggle to understand sentences/instructions which have negation (e.g. no hitting) so it is likely to be more effective, in general, to give toddlers positive instructions/tell them what you WANT them to do, rather than what you don't want them to do. Instead of "Don't run off!" "Come and hold my hand", etc. In fact this is also true for anyone of any age - you get more effective results (most of the time) if you tell people what TO do rather than what NOT to do. There are some exceptions where it might be unclear (e.g. I think "No Smoking" is clearer than "Thank you for keeping this area smoke free!")

So the idea is if you have a young baby/toddler who for example is slapping people or animals in an excited manner because they just really like being with them and they don't yet understand that they might hurt someone, you might block or hold their hands, show them a gentle stroking/patting movement and explain "Gently, like this. Kind hands."

But you do have to teach this, it's not innate knowledge for little children. It's also become overused/a sort of automatic phrasing in some circles whereas it is only really appropriate for that specific scenario. When child 1 wants to thump child 2 because child 2 stole their toy, they had no intention of being kind or gentle. Showing them how to gently stroke child 2 instead would probably not be effective in achieving what child 1 intended to achieve. Actually you probably want to teach them how to use verbal strategies either to ask for the toy back or ask an adult for help, or strategies on how to cope with the feeling of being upset/angry about the toy being taken.

Some childcare/education settings are using it as a sort of general policy ie part of a set of rules which everyone is to adhere to, as a replacement for "no violence/hitting". Which can work well with older children, perhaps early primary, because they are better able to make the connection or participate in a longer discussion and therefore understand that a school rule of "kind hands" means that we only use our hands to help each other/play/learn and not to hurt each other. Again for 2 year olds this is a bit too abstract, and 2 year olds also don't learn from being told rules in one context and then expected to apply them independently in another context. They are more likely to learn by doing things and finding out what happens. Most (NT) two year olds are able to pick up on social approval/disapproval, so they can tell when they are being told off, and provided that this isn't either the most reliable way of getting attention, or the only strategy they know, will usually experience this as aversive enough that they will be less likely to repeat the behaviour. Even though the actual wording of "kind hands" is not especially clear, children can tell through adult tone and facial expression that their behaviour is disapproved of. (Autistic children might not understand this, or might be upset by it but not make the connection to their behaviour).

In general the most effective way to change a behaviour is to strengthen the replacement behaviour but in order to do this properly, you have to understand what function the child is trying to achieve with the behaviour (which is not always a conscious aim). But if the nursery are doing ABC charts for this then they may be looking at the function of the behaviour next.

It probably sounds ineffective hearing that a child is being told "Kind hands" and redirected but it's likely there is more context to this which we are not aware of. This could be a temporary strategy while they look at the ABC and FBA. It could be that they are doing work with all of the children to strengthen a policy of "kind hands" (ie, non-violence) generally and teaching all the children what this means - for example, in some behaviour management programs you might teach a replacement for hitting in the moment, which is about doing something else with your hands. DS3's group (3-4yo at the time) did something which explored all different feelings and for anger they were taught that anger gives you energy - but when you feel so angry that you want to hurt someone, that energy needs to go somewhere, so they were supposed to run to the wall where a pair of red handprints was stuck up and "discharge" the energy into the hands, taking a deep breath as they did so, which does tend to help you feel calmer. It's essentially a distraction and an incompatible behaviour, something for children to do with their hands to replace hitting.

Not all behaviour management programs are well designed or evidence based, and it is also quite possible that nurseries will sometimes mix aspects of two or more approaches which are reliant on principles that work against each other rendering it ineffective, or staff may be poorly trained in how to implement ideas, or may have misunderstood aspects of the plan - it's always possible. But I think it is unlikely that there is a whole nursery full of staff speaking to children like the stereotype of an ineffectual wafty parent and then just wondering why it doesn't work. They are childcare professionals - they will have some logic and knowledge behind what they're doing, even if nursery behaviour management is not always perfect.

LittleBearPad · Yesterday 15:13

Where is your partner in all of this. He works 6 days a week but he can’t be at work every hour on those days. He needs to pay masses of attention to your eldest and he needs to look after the baby when you take DS1 to nursery or to the park or watch TV together - just the two of you.

He will need to learn to comfort the baby so you can leave them with him. BF doesn’t mean you can’t leave the baby. The baby is also going to need to take second place sometimes.

BertieBotts · Yesterday 15:20

You should do what feels right for your family, but personally I would mention that there is a family history of ADHD (this is the one with at least one diagnosis, right?) and I might mention that there are also autistic traits, because that does not suggest self-diagnosis, which I appreciate is a more tricky area. They may or may not be aware but you could let them know that when someone is diagnosed with ADHD or autism, family members are more likely than average to display some autistic traits for example sensory sensitivities, communication difficulties, need for routine/predictability etc. And so it is possible that some strategies which help autistic children might help him, if they know of anything to suggest.

I would assume nursery have experienced ND children and be able to identify if he has any signs.

This is highly unlikely in my experience, although I am outside the UK, so it might be different in the UK, but I have seen no end of threads on MN where people have later-diagnosed ND children and nursery/school have dismissed concerns or not mentioned any concerns, so I think this is probably more widespread.

ND presentations can vary a lot and staff will not have a detailed knowledge of all possible things which could affect a child's development or behaviour. They may not have any ND-specific training or experience at all. Most children who are diagnosed with autism before the age of 2 have significant global developmental delay, and are unlikely to be at mainstream nurseries. There are autistic children in nurseries, certainly, but many of them will be diagnosed later, after they have started school, so nursery staff may never know about the diagnosis, meaning they will not have the chance to put that child's behaviour or presentation into the context of ah, that could have been autism related. ADHD is not usually diagnosed until school age either. I also personally encountered quite a lot of "Really? That's odd because I knew this other child who was [autistic/ADHD] and they were not like X at all..." (which is highly frustrating because not every single child will present the same!)

The nursery will be aware of developmental markers because of EYFS, and will flag up if he is very behind according to this, but it is very possible for children to meet these markers but still be struggling overall. The EYFS guidance cautions childcare/education staff not to mention or speculate about any particular diagnosis or condition, though they should be telling you if they think it's worth consulting a GP/health visitor. However, if you have your own concerns, I would definitely not wait for nursery to flag it up. EYFS is not a tailored screening for ADHD/ASD. There are screeners for those conditions which are much better at catching them (the ADHD one does need the child to be older, though).

Boomer55 · Yesterday 16:31

TheBlueKoala · 27/05/2026 21:10

@ThePoisedOpalBird The best thing that happened to my 2 year old was when another toddler smacked him back. Sounds horrible but somehow he just stopped going up to other kids pushing/hitting after that.

That is often a very quick and effective lesson to learn from.

ThePoisedOpalBird · Yesterday 16:44

Thank you for all the replys. Only 1 small incident today and he apparently said oh dear and sat down for the teacher to talk to him so hopefully they are making progress and we will see a decline in incidents.

OP posts:
QueenEthelTheMagnificent · Today 09:53

@ThePoisedOpalBird
please stop the rough play. Yes I know your child probably loves it, and it's great to see your child happy.

IMO (25+ years working with children) they are trying to emulate the rough play with other children but they don't understand how to do it. They think by knocking another child over that will lead to some really fun rough and tumble.

That's why they're smiling when it happens. To them it's the start of a fun game.I had a child like this and it became unbearable, I couldn't even leave the room to go for a wee and they'd be on the floor with another child. They became so aggressive with trying to initiate rough play I had to take them everywhere with me.

As soon as your baby is old enough to lay on the floor and play or sit on their own, he will be trying to do the same with them. Not in a malicious way, but to try and have fun with them.

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