Page 3 | AIBU to keep my two-year-old at nursery when displaying increasing aggressive behaviour?

ThePoisedOpalBird · 2026-05-27T17:18:24+00:00

I'm partly posting here as it gets more replies and also because i'm not sure whats best. I have a lovely 2 year old who has been put on a ABC review due to aggressive behaviour. So far he has been on it a week and it seems to have got worse! He has had around 12 incidents in the space of a week ranging from pushing kids down to trying to hit with items or just straight out smacking them in the face. So far nursery have not identified a single trigger! He is casually walking up to these kids seemingly happy and then hurting them. There is no overwhelming crying or other kids taking his toys etc. He just seems to walk up to them, hurt them, smile and now runs away from his teachers (I assume as he now knows they are going to remove him from the situation and do a different activity with him. I'm at a loss of how nursery are going to tackle this when there is seemingly no cause? Could he just be bored? I guess my aibu is do I let nursery continue to try and work this out and hopefully he doesn't end up being kicked out. Or would it be more reasonable to remove him and keep him at home? Any advice greatly appreciated!

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:16

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 21:08

He sounds very overstimulated and struggling with transitions.

FWIW my DS (autistic, not saying yours is btw) also would not walk outside at all for the first 5 years of his life and nothing we tried worked. He's 7 and will now walk but he still has a pushchair for safety, but he found the transition from inside to outside difficult. This was a key point brought up in early help meetings, which helped us get some therapeutic input.

Having a new baby is a massive transition and very overstimulating and all of that pent up frustration has to come out somehow and somewhere and it could just be that it is happening at nursery. I would actually give ear defenders or headphones a go in the home. We all have our limits, SEN or not, and I think they're a useful tool.

As others have pointed out, he may also have realised cause and effect, which is a developmentally appropriate thing for children his age however what he has realised is if he causes harm to another child, the effect is he is removed to do something else. Nursery may need to modify their approach at redirecting back to the task at hand, and modelling useful language like "I need space please".

DSs nursery used to use kind hands, but that was absolutely infuriating for DS as hands do not have emotions any more than feet can be grumpy, knees can be jolly and teeth can be scared. It made no sense to him and it did not provide him with functional language that he could use to signal that he needed space or would like to change activities.

Just because nursery haven't identified a trigger doesn't mean there is no trigger. They just aren't looking at the bigger picture and trying to meet his sensory (which all children have! Again, not armchair diagnosing anybody) and regulation needs.

It's also worth considering whether this is a good fit nursery for your son, or whether they're only a good nursery for unproblematic, self regulating children who don't pose any physical problems. Having had a child like your own, I have come to realise many nurseries are the latter, and I would always ask prospective nurseries in the future what their approaches are for identifying triggers for behaviour and managing the needs of children if they show signs of distress, discomfort or unhappiness.

Edited

I had really considered the noise being a factor in both nursery and from the new baby.

But in the last 2 weeks we have been to both a party at a skating rink filled with screaming kids and loud music and flashing lights and a big indoor soft play. He was an absolute angel in both and didn't appear overstimulated at all. Although he did bite my sister at the skate party and my dad at the soft play one so possibly but he seemed like he was having such a good time and was happy climbing around.

He also loves going to my dads as he plays loud music ( I am a very quiet house kind of person 🤣).

I do wonder if nursery is physically engaging enough for him. Hes a big climber and mess maker and likes a lot of rough play at home it really seems to uplift his mood.

Thank you for your input it gives me a lot to think about!

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Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:19

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 21:10

This also makes me think maybe the goal is to leave for him. Soft plays are so overwhelming, and not every kid will express that it's overwhelming by being in tears or covering their ears.

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I'm not sure. We went to a birthday party at a soft play last night and he was the youngest child there but he didnt stop for an hour and a half running around and climbing with all the big kids. He was an absolute angel (until near the end when he casually bit my dad as they were snuggling)

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Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:21

Fluffybuns88 · 27/05/2026 21:13

In my experience a lot of kids go through the hitting stage and it can be completely normal and they mostly grow out of it.

I'd let nursery handle it for now, I would ask how they're dealing with him when he lashes out just so you can support the consequences being consistent. No one likes to hear their kiddo is hitting others, especially at nursery pick up, but they will have dealt with it many times and kiddo won't be the last. Try not to stress too much about it.

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They redirect as the consequence. They just take him from wherever he is and redirect to a different activity and talk about gentle hands etc.

But thank you for saying to not stress. I will try not to worry about it and just support him and nursery the best I can.

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Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:23

B0D · 27/05/2026 21:15

It’s completely normal for 2 year olds to hit others but I get that you and the nursery are trying to resolve/ improve as he is there and you want him to stay there. ABC’s can be further explored by thinking about the function of the behaviour- you have identified that he gets adult attention. Can they focus his learning on how to get that attention in a positive way? Can they look at how long he is playing happily before moving off to hurt another child? There may be a pattern eg he can manage 20 minutes then seeks out attention by hurting someone. If he does that, can they move him on at 15 minutes with a brief 1:1 interaction/ activity?
i remember DS (v long ago) used to push others at that age, it was really difficult, I had to deal with the disapproval of other parents and remove him / me. It felt isolating but he stopped after a few months

Thank you for this. Thats really helpful for me to discuss with the room leader!

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Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 21:29

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:16

I had really considered the noise being a factor in both nursery and from the new baby.

But in the last 2 weeks we have been to both a party at a skating rink filled with screaming kids and loud music and flashing lights and a big indoor soft play. He was an absolute angel in both and didn't appear overstimulated at all. Although he did bite my sister at the skate party and my dad at the soft play one so possibly but he seemed like he was having such a good time and was happy climbing around.

He also loves going to my dads as he plays loud music ( I am a very quiet house kind of person 🤣).

I do wonder if nursery is physically engaging enough for him. Hes a big climber and mess maker and likes a lot of rough play at home it really seems to uplift his mood.

Thank you for your input it gives me a lot to think about!

Show quote history

Sensory overwhelm isn't consistent.

My kid loves a loud birthday party, popping balloons, even music festivals.

He can't cope when we have visitors over and there are people talking over each other, or when a boy racer revvs his Peugeot 206 up the road or someone slowly bumbles past with their twostroke engine.

Sometimes it's like the boiled frog theory. You don't know you're in it until it's too late.

Frazzledinmyforties · 27/05/2026 21:35

Does he get much physical stimulation @ThePoisedOpalBird ? It sounds like he could be sensory seeking. I would try doing physical things with him first thing; could you maybe get him dancing to a song before nursery? Or give him lots of hugs (squeezing sensation)? If his senses are satisfied then maybe he won’t seek it.
I could be totally wrong @ThePoisedOpalBird but it’s just another perspective/ possibility that might be worth considering.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 27/05/2026 21:37

I hate this gentle hands stuff. He’s really not going to understand that if he’s smiling when he hits other dc. It’s just far too complex. Biting is a big no no
too. Does anyone actually show they are cross with him ? Nursery cannot but family can. You just seem to tolerate this behaviour and think he’s an angel and then he bites! Why can you not immediately tell him off? He’s not bothered about what you are doing at the moment and is doing what he pleases because the consequences don’t bother him. I do find 2 year olds understand NO and similar words to say he’s doing something unacceptable.

I think he’s struggling with your clingy baby and you need to get the baby in a pram because he’s dictating to you too. A bit of crying isn’t the end of the world.

As his language improves, so should his behaviour but the smiling bit is a red flag. If he doesn’t show remorse fairly soon, this is a big problem.

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:39

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 21:29

Sensory overwhelm isn't consistent.

My kid loves a loud birthday party, popping balloons, even music festivals.

He can't cope when we have visitors over and there are people talking over each other, or when a boy racer revvs his Peugeot 206 up the road or someone slowly bumbles past with their twostroke engine.

Sometimes it's like the boiled frog theory. You don't know you're in it until it's too late.

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Hmm very interesting thank you!

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andana · 27/05/2026 21:41

My 2.5 year old has had similar instances, it seemed to occur when he had a “big feeling” for want of a better expression - a burst of energy, excitement, etc. He would often be a bit hyper after lunch and that seemed to be a trigger for being rough - apparently he would go round cuddling other kids and then lash out, seemingly out of nowhere. It was like he was seeing what reaction he would get. Same at pick up - I would see him playing beautifully, then when he spotted me he would run over for a cuddle and then push a child out of nowhere.

Nursery did the kind hands approach but it didn’t seem to make sense to him, it was just repetition and not paying him more attention for poor behaviour that did. Eventually on the way to nursery everyday he would tell me “No push Ben. No push Ella. No push anybody,” and it seemed to stick. If he hit / pushed me or his dad we would just do a stern face and turn away saying “no thank you, no hitting mummy.” Funnily enough he was really gentle with babies.

With his baby sibling have you tried you and eldest as a team? Give a big dramatic sigh, “Oh no, your brother / our baby’s crying again, do you think he has another wet nappy? If you fetch the mat and the wipes I’ll get his clothes off. When we’ve got him sorted shall we have a biscuit?”

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:43

Frazzledinmyforties · 27/05/2026 21:35

Does he get much physical stimulation @ThePoisedOpalBird ? It sounds like he could be sensory seeking. I would try doing physical things with him first thing; could you maybe get him dancing to a song before nursery? Or give him lots of hugs (squeezing sensation)? If his senses are satisfied then maybe he won’t seek it.
I could be totally wrong @ThePoisedOpalBird but it’s just another perspective/ possibility that might be worth considering.

We do a lot of roughousing when I can (loves to be thrown around and onto sofa) lots of big cuddles, he loves it if you lay on him 🙈, we spent the weekend out at a nature park place and Sunday at the beach.

But honestly I think he needs more physical stimulation as he is like a wired jack in the box who isn't quite sure how to use its springs!

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andana · 27/05/2026 21:43

Also start teaching him safe active play to get the excess energy out, some boys need it! We run races before bath, tickle fights, he play wrestles with his dad, lots of jumping.

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:49

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 27/05/2026 21:37

I hate this gentle hands stuff. He’s really not going to understand that if he’s smiling when he hits other dc. It’s just far too complex. Biting is a big no no
too. Does anyone actually show they are cross with him ? Nursery cannot but family can. You just seem to tolerate this behaviour and think he’s an angel and then he bites! Why can you not immediately tell him off? He’s not bothered about what you are doing at the moment and is doing what he pleases because the consequences don’t bother him. I do find 2 year olds understand NO and similar words to say he’s doing something unacceptable.

I think he’s struggling with your clingy baby and you need to get the baby in a pram because he’s dictating to you too. A bit of crying isn’t the end of the world.

As his language improves, so should his behaviour but the smiling bit is a red flag. If he doesn’t show remorse fairly soon, this is a big problem.

Yes at home we are very stern with a 'NO' when he bites or hits but he laughs and thats whether its me or his grandad so its not a case of i'm just soft.

If he uses a toy or anything to cause harm it gets removed from him for a period of time which works a lot better as he sees it as a real consequence.

I agree a bit of crying isnt the end of the world. However my baby cries until he pukes everywhere! He doesn't even like you sitting down to cuddle him you generally have to be moving. So whilst I appreciate it isn't ideal and if it was just a little bit of crying I would agree with trying to force the pram etc. But when he is physically sick its not really doable at the moment. My toddler also finds it extreamly overstimulating and gets very angry until the baby stops crying so its a bit of a stuck between a rock and a hard place situation.

Yes the smiling is a worry. He will say sorry but he is obviously just copying he has no idea he should actually feel sorry (but hes 2 so I assume at the moment that is normal!)

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Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 21:50

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:43

We do a lot of roughousing when I can (loves to be thrown around and onto sofa) lots of big cuddles, he loves it if you lay on him 🙈, we spent the weekend out at a nature park place and Sunday at the beach.

But honestly I think he needs more physical stimulation as he is like a wired jack in the box who isn't quite sure how to use its springs!

Show quote history

So we all have 8 senses and we all have needs related to those senses.

Touch
Taste
Sight
Sound
Smell
Interoception- what's happening inside, are we too hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, in pain, need the bathroom, overstimulated, understimulated
Proprioception- this is our interaction with the space around us and pressure, some people crave deep pressure input through roughhousing and literally need it to regulate, some can't cope with deep pressure and need light touch, some find light touch physically painful, and sometimes it's all of them at the same time and it can be confusing
Vestibular- this is our balance sense. Some people turn their head wrong and go dizzy and then you've got some people who can go straight from doing waltzers level spinning to walking in a straight line in seconds.

We all have to meet these needs. They may be hyperactive needs or hypoactive needs.

Nursery really should (and can) do a sensory diet plan for your son so they understand his needs better. Maybe they can incorporate it as a proactive method of regulation rather than a reactive method of regulation to prevent instances of hitting or biting.

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:51

andana · 27/05/2026 21:43

Also start teaching him safe active play to get the excess energy out, some boys need it! We run races before bath, tickle fights, he play wrestles with his dad, lots of jumping.

Edited

We do lots of rough play (I do worry if this is why he does it at nursery) but he loves it and its the ultimate way we connect!

He wont run races yet but I cant wait until he does!

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Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:55

andana · 27/05/2026 21:41

My 2.5 year old has had similar instances, it seemed to occur when he had a “big feeling” for want of a better expression - a burst of energy, excitement, etc. He would often be a bit hyper after lunch and that seemed to be a trigger for being rough - apparently he would go round cuddling other kids and then lash out, seemingly out of nowhere. It was like he was seeing what reaction he would get. Same at pick up - I would see him playing beautifully, then when he spotted me he would run over for a cuddle and then push a child out of nowhere.

Nursery did the kind hands approach but it didn’t seem to make sense to him, it was just repetition and not paying him more attention for poor behaviour that did. Eventually on the way to nursery everyday he would tell me “No push Ben. No push Ella. No push anybody,” and it seemed to stick. If he hit / pushed me or his dad we would just do a stern face and turn away saying “no thank you, no hitting mummy.” Funnily enough he was really gentle with babies.

With his baby sibling have you tried you and eldest as a team? Give a big dramatic sigh, “Oh no, your brother / our baby’s crying again, do you think he has another wet nappy? If you fetch the mat and the wipes I’ll get his clothes off. When we’ve got him sorted shall we have a biscuit?”

That is really interesting about the cuddling and then lashing out as that is one of the things he does.

As for the baby sibling. He has no interest in helping with anything. He doesn't want to grab wipes or nappies or clothes etc. But I think a lot of that is because he isnt a fan of having his nappy done or clothes put on himself. Baby also cries during it which he hates. I do talk to him a lot about baby brother needing changing or feeding and thats why he is crying. Or if hes crying but I am busy with my toddler I will talk to baby and tell him he has to wait (I cant take too long otherwise baby is sick from crying).

My toddler isnt one for following instructions so getting him involved is very hard!

OP posts:

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:57

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 21:50

So we all have 8 senses and we all have needs related to those senses.

Touch
Taste
Sight
Sound
Smell
Interoception- what's happening inside, are we too hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, in pain, need the bathroom, overstimulated, understimulated
Proprioception- this is our interaction with the space around us and pressure, some people crave deep pressure input through roughhousing and literally need it to regulate, some can't cope with deep pressure and need light touch, some find light touch physically painful, and sometimes it's all of them at the same time and it can be confusing
Vestibular- this is our balance sense. Some people turn their head wrong and go dizzy and then you've got some people who can go straight from doing waltzers level spinning to walking in a straight line in seconds.

We all have to meet these needs. They may be hyperactive needs or hypoactive needs.

Nursery really should (and can) do a sensory diet plan for your son so they understand his needs better. Maybe they can incorporate it as a proactive method of regulation rather than a reactive method of regulation to prevent instances of hitting or biting.

Show quote history

Sorry what is a sensory diet plan? Will they realistically be able to meet those level of needs with 2-3 members of staff to 10-15 2 year olds?

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Balloonhearts · 27/05/2026 22:00

It sounds like he doesn't really understand that he is hurting them. If he isn't angry and has a happy attitude when doing it. 2 year olds don't really get that other people are people in a sense. They interact with them but have no concept of empathy. He just sounds like a typical 2 year old.

Laurmolonlabe · 27/05/2026 22:07

Probably better to jump before you are pushed, and try to get to the bottom of why he is acting this way.

BertieBotts · 27/05/2026 22:11

Nursery are unlikely to be able to do a sensory diet plan. That is something an occupational therapist can do but they are unlikely to have one on hand.

How long are the days? If you say he generally hits at home when he gets overwhelmed then maybe he's just kind of had enough after a certain point, and if you say it's increased after the ABC plan and they take him away to do something 1:1 it might be he is doing it because he wants more adult attention. Maybe they should try keeping him busy with little jobs/challenges so he doesn't get bored and look to hit other children. Then if he does hit, make the reaction much more boring.

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 22:12

Laurmolonlabe · 27/05/2026 22:07

Probably better to jump before you are pushed, and try to get to the bottom of why he is acting this way.

The thing that worries me with taking him out is the lack of socialisation impacting his communication even more. I don't have friends and i'm no good at toddler groups (we also only have 1 around us) so I am reluctant to remove him incase it causes even more issues further down the line.

Of course if he gets kicked out I don't have a choice but I don't want to personally make the call to pull him out and then it causes loads of issues when he starts school because he hasn't had to interactions to develop his social skills and he isn't going to learn them from me as I severely lack them!

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Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 22:12

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 21:57

Sorry what is a sensory diet plan? Will they realistically be able to meet those level of needs with 2-3 members of staff to 10-15 2 year olds?

Show quote history

Yes of course they can.

They don't have to single your son out to do it either, it can be done as a group activity so it isn't taking away resources.

So for kids that like deep pressure or proprioceptive input, it can be scheduled time on climbing equipment, deep pressure under pillows or bean bags, it can even be yoga and rubbing down body parts or what we call "squeezing out the sillies" where we squeeze his arms and his legs.

Ideally they would implement this in small intervals for between 2-10 minutes every other hour as a way to reset.

A nursery sensory diet plan for kids who don't have any recognised SEN, or other medical and therapeutic input might include:

movement breaks

heavy work/play

calming sensory activities

environmental adjustments

predictable routines

support during transitions

opportunities for oral sensory input

co-regulation with adults

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 22:15

BertieBotts · 27/05/2026 22:11

Nursery are unlikely to be able to do a sensory diet plan. That is something an occupational therapist can do but they are unlikely to have one on hand.

How long are the days? If you say he generally hits at home when he gets overwhelmed then maybe he's just kind of had enough after a certain point, and if you say it's increased after the ABC plan and they take him away to do something 1:1 it might be he is doing it because he wants more adult attention. Maybe they should try keeping him busy with little jobs/challenges so he doesn't get bored and look to hit other children. Then if he does hit, make the reaction much more boring.

90% of the incidents are happening in the morning. Only 2 I think were after nap time! Hes there 7.5 hours but most incidents are happening in the first hour sometimes first 3 hours.

I can 100% suggest to them trying to get him doing odd jobs/challenges but i'm not sure he would engage with it but could be worth a try for them. It wouldn't work for us at home as he doesn't follow instructions for tasks or games etc but they could give it a try.

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G1ngerbread · 27/05/2026 22:16

It does sound like there’s possibly a mild speech delay. People may slate me and say they all develop different etc which is true but I have experience in this area, and from little bits you have said it does sound like maybe he is slightly behind. I think that, plus the arrival of new baby is probably what is going on. I don’t think you need to worry at this stage. Have his 2 year review if you haven’t already, ask for tips on improving speech and the rest will get easier in time when things settle with having a new baby.
5 mins a day of an activity that creates shared attention is all you really need to do to make progress with both speech, and bonding time.

Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 22:18

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/05/2026 22:12

Yes of course they can.

They don't have to single your son out to do it either, it can be done as a group activity so it isn't taking away resources.

So for kids that like deep pressure or proprioceptive input, it can be scheduled time on climbing equipment, deep pressure under pillows or bean bags, it can even be yoga and rubbing down body parts or what we call "squeezing out the sillies" where we squeeze his arms and his legs.

Ideally they would implement this in small intervals for between 2-10 minutes every other hour as a way to reset.

A nursery sensory diet plan for kids who don't have any recognised SEN, or other medical and therapeutic input might include:

movement breaks

heavy work/play

calming sensory activities

environmental adjustments

predictable routines

support during transitions

opportunities for oral sensory input

co-regulation with adults

Show quote history

I will mention it to them and see what they say. I don't think they really have a lot of structure to their day besides meal and nap times its a lot of free play but I will mention it and see if they would be willing to try it.

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Original poster

ThePoisedOpalBird · 27/05/2026 22:19

G1ngerbread · 27/05/2026 22:16

It does sound like there’s possibly a mild speech delay. People may slate me and say they all develop different etc which is true but I have experience in this area, and from little bits you have said it does sound like maybe he is slightly behind. I think that, plus the arrival of new baby is probably what is going on. I don’t think you need to worry at this stage. Have his 2 year review if you haven’t already, ask for tips on improving speech and the rest will get easier in time when things settle with having a new baby.
5 mins a day of an activity that creates shared attention is all you really need to do to make progress with both speech, and bonding time.

Thank you. So far nursery have said they don't see any speech delay and after doing the ages and stages questionaire someone suggested it seems he is meeting all the requirements for speech but I will be discussing all my concerns when the health visitor eventually comes.

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