AIBU to keep my two-year-old at nursery when displaying increasing aggressive behaviour?

[ThePoisedOpalBird]

I'm partly posting here as it gets more replies and also because i'm not sure whats best.

I have a lovely 2 year old who has been put on a ABC review due to aggressive behaviour. So far he has been on it a week and it seems to have got worse! He has had around 12 incidents in the space of a week ranging from pushing kids down to trying to hit with items or just straight out smacking them in the face. So far nursery have not identified a single trigger!

He is casually walking up to these kids seemingly happy and then hurting them. There is no overwhelming crying or other kids taking his toys etc. He just seems to walk up to them, hurt them, smile and now runs away from his teachers (I assume as he now knows they are going to remove him from the situation and do a different activity with him.

I'm at a loss of how nursery are going to tackle this when there is seemingly no cause? Could he just be bored?

I guess my aibu is do I let nursery continue to try and work this out and hopefully he doesn't end up being kicked out. Or would it be more reasonable to remove him and keep him at home?

Any advice greatly appreciated!

What is his behaviour like at home? Or when you take him to toddler groups or visit friends with similar aged DC?

Does he have siblings or cousins etc that he sees often?

What are you doing at home to fix this behaviour? Are you role playing with teddy bears what friendly play looks like and doesn’t look like?

Going to the park and over talking up how he played so nicely and made mummy so proud

It’s not a nursery problem to solve it’s a parenting problem to solve

We don't go toddler groups as there are none on on his non nursery days. He has had a few incidents at home (biting my dad and sister) and occasionally hitting his brother (usually only when he is overwhelmed).

With my nieces and nephews who are a little older he hasnt had any issues and just a couple of issues at softplay which we removed him each time as a consequence.

His sibling is only 3 months. We have started seeing his cousins recently where we have had no issues.

Did his behaviour change after the baby came along? It often does

I have a baby brother and teddys who we model gentle hands, hugging, playing etc.

He has no issues playing with other kids. Nursery say 90% of the day he is amazing and affectionate and plays amazingly. He isnt lashing out whilst playing he is literally leaving what his is doing and walking up to other children and hurting them.

He gets so much praise when we go soft play or see his cousins or any general day out when he is being super good and keeping his hands to himself.

Whilst I agree its my issue to fix nursery have 3-7 incidentd a day. I have maybe 1 a week where he bites or hits his brother or a family member. The rest of the time he is crazy and can have serious tantrums but we don't experience the same level of hitting, shoving, kicking etc that nursery are getting so i am finding it hard to know how to help and improve it.

It has 100% got worse! He has a few times before his brother came along that they mentioned he was a bit 'handsy' and pushy but they put it down to him moving up to the toddler room. Since his brother came along it has just become bad to the point he has 7 incidents yesterday alone!

How is his speech? I generally find that children who have a limited vocabulary may go through this stage, its generally frustration because they can't tell us what they want. Teaching simple marathon signs or using visual cards oftern helps until their speech develops further. It's fairly common ime as a childminder.

He can generally tell us what he wants now most of the time. Ie. Drink, outside, food etc and he can put some words together now.

Sorry what are marathon signs?

Makaton signs I think

I think the ABC process has potentially identified the issue. You've said the consequence is your DC is taken away to do an activity with an adult. Maybe they've learned that this is a highly effective way to get one to one time with an adult.

The abc chart is to try to see a pattern

Triggers. Time of day. Before or after food? Is he constipated?

The ABC looks at both triggers and consequences. Consequences may be inadvertently reinforcing the behaviour. Running away can be a marvelous game when you are 2.

Ah yes that could explain why he went from only 1-2 issues last week to 7 and 4 this week! I will discuss with nursery on his next day in.

Sorry to be captain obvious, but how much 1:1 time is he getting with you since the new baby arrived?

So far time of day varies. Mainly in morning but some afternoons. Hes having 2 portions of breakfast at home plus fruit and then snack in the morning at nursery and lunch before 12 so I don't think he is hungry.

100% not constipated. He has had 3 good poops todays.

So far they haven't found a trigger. Nobody seems to be taking his toys and he isnt getting frustrated playing. Apparently it is a very happy attitude as he approaches other children and a happy attitude when he hurts them.

I would say your new baby has everything to do with this behaviour. Do you still do things with just him? Does he see you go off with the new baby when you leave him at nursery? The fact that he's hurting your new baby is a serious no no. Maybe he could 'help' you? Get you a nappy or a nappy sack, and then you praise him. You can do kind hands with baby things too, maybe his own baby (doll) that he can 'care for'.
It's hard but needs to be nipped in the bud.

Less I cant deny that at all! I have a exclusively breast fed, co-sleeping, carrier and pram hating 3 month old.

But I do try as much as possible to give him attention and lots of love. But it is of course sigmificantly less than pre baby.

I get his dad to do nursery drop off to try and avoid the whole dropping him at nursery with the baby.

We dont get to go out alone as baby is exclusively breastfed, co-sleeps and hates carriers and the pram 90% of the time.

He is amazing with the baby 95% of the time. Its only when he is screaming as he finds it overstimulating but hes getting better at walking away instead. Besides the odd time all he wants to do is cuddle, hold, kiss and lay with his baby brother.

Is he getting plenty of 1:1 time with you regardless of the baby being born?

I hear you, DD1 was just 3 when we had DD2 who co slept and I BF. Could you possibly leave your second even for an hour after a feed to take your eldest for an ice cream or something? Even once a week initially. We both found it so valuable with the transition to parenting two! We often do Sat mornings 1:1 now and then all meet for lunch & swap children so everyone is getting their fill of quality time. DD2 is 18m though (although still bf) so much easier stage of parenting 2. He’s probably missing is mama to himself!

edited to add - talk about him to his baby brother. ‘Wow isn’t your big brother so kind for X Y’ or if the baby cries sometimes say ‘hang on baby I am just with big bro’ so he doesn’t feel like everything is about the new baby. Your youngest won’t remember any of this but it will have much more of an effect on DS1

No he gets very little 1-1 time as when he isnt at nursery its the 3 of us together apart from 1 day a week where we go out as a family or we see my dad and sister once a week and mummy isnt important when we are seeing grandad 🤣

I will have a chat with my partner. We could probably do a 30min-1 hr walk just me and him once a week and hopefully that will help him a bit.