to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia? Part 2

[haleey]

Continuing from previous thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5534178-to-think-it-is-acceptable-to-smack-someone-if-they-touch-your-body-even-if-they-have-dementia

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

Were you aware the elderly resident was within your vicinity? How did he get so close to you that he was able to inappropriately touch you?

Really?! “Why did you let this happen?”

No, not “why did you let this happen” but where was the resident in relation to op. Was she aware he was so close.

Women get the blame.

I haven’t had time to read all the messages but I work in adult social care and there is no reason you ‘just need to put up with this because they can’t help it’ as a visitor to a residential setting to see your grandfather. Yes he very well may not be able to help it and individuals may exhibit violent or inappropriate sexual behaviour as part of their dementia. They may very well need to live in residential settings as a result of this. But the risk assessments the care home does should
involve how to mitigate the risk to visitors, staff and other residents. If inappropriate sexual
touching cannot be managed by staff safely
then he shouldn’t be in communal
areas.

I think this is a reasonable question. People have to get very close to you to touch you inappropriately. Especially your private parts.

I didn’t blame you. If the resident was able to get so close to you as to inappropriately touch you then you need to make a formal complaint in writing to the residential home manager. There should be safeguards in place for both residents and visitors. I have 8 years experience of visiting my elderly grandmother in a nursing home with other dementia residents. The staff would be aware of particular residents and any behavioural issues they have and would act accordingly to safeguard those around them.

Here is another one saying why I did let someone get so close.

I know. Some people are blaming, not you.

They home have been reported to the CQC.

There are a number of people asking you that. Why don’t you just answer?

I know. They really can't help themselves for some reason.

Even swatting away a groping hand? Did you ask them that?

Amazing that you all have never had that experience of being assaulted. But that is not the case for all care workers:

www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jun/09/6000-residential-care-workers-suffer-violent-attacks