To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

You have a feeling because there is something to be concerned about.

you need to ask him if he really wants to risk your relationship for the potential affair he is heading towards. If he is a good man he will realise and back away swiftly

Oh give over.

Anyone can see this for what it is.

Exactly. When you get to the point where the trust is gone from a marriage trying to police the behaviour of the spouse achieves nothing except to make him or her more dishonest and evasive than they were before.

The marriage is already dead in the water. Trying to control someone won’t revive it!

I was going to suggest her coming to ours but I didn’t want to being it up again tbh. She is single yeah

Don't suggest that, why would you want to encourage them spending time together? I'm sure she can find another mans hair to cut

I agree with you

This. I once read a very well written post on MN that explained this behaviour so well. It's all about shifting responsibility onto the partner. 'But you agree to it!'

I believe the suggested response to this type of question was 'think about what a good/decent husband would do, and do that'.

That’s such a good answer and I wish I would’ve said that

I’ve said something similar to my husband before - not because he was doing anything, just in a general conversation about people…’if you wouldn’t want your wife to find out, then don’t do it’

simple really. Don’t do something if you know it is wrong because even if you try to dress it up as ok it won’t be

I

What makes you think she might also find him attractive?

The fact that he seemed disappointed when you said you wouldn't be ok with it would be worrying me OP and I would be concerned about her messaging further on Instagram too. Your DH is right on the edge of disrespecting you and your marriage and I would be pointing that out in no uncertain terms and throwing a hefty bucket of cold water over any ideas he might have about sneaking this woman into his life under your radar.

I would be saying 'I noticed you were disappointed when I said I wouldn't be ok with her cutting your hair, you do realise that the instant I sense your interest shifting elsewhere I will be off like a shot don't you?' That way no one can say he didn't know what he was risking and if you get the slightest sniff of anything else happening you will know it's time to walk away because he's fundamentally disloyal.

The next day I asked if he fancied her

Good lord!!!!!

I cannot imagine ANY circumstances in which my husband would say he would go out with another woman if he wasn't with me. Did you badger that out of him or did he acctually say it ???? It's just wildly inappropriate and disrespectful.

This. I mean how will you stop him?

Divorce him and take up dogging.

I agree @Fellohesh. I sometimes joke with my DH whether his mother dressed him that morning or did he choose to pair those things all by himself? And I would expect him to tell me if something I was intending to wear looked weird (and he does). It's not controlling behaviour: it's part of being in a loving partnership where you care about how the other will be received/perceived in a social situation.

I second all of that.

If you're really bothered, suggest she does the cut at your house.

This

You can still say it to him along the lines of...

"I've been thinking about how Jenny directly contacted you instead of maybe going via your mate [her sister's husband]. It seems to me like she's angling for some private time with you in an intimate setting. All I ask is that you approach her advances like a decent and loyal husband would and realise what you will lose if you let her into our marriage. I can't and won't try to control what you do but I am in control of my response to it."

You’re not odd. That poster is a man. He just often conveniently forgets to mention that fact until he posts something very male and has a bunch of people scratching their heads and asking him wtf he’s on about.

Anyway, I agree with the general consensus that your husband is a twat and that I wouldn’t have agreed to him going to her house either. Not with his comments about her being attractive and her being single. Simply not appropriate.

Short of physical restraint how will you stop him ?

a discussion to air your opinion would probably be a better option

Yanbu
He is playing with fire and he knows it.

There's a flirtation developing here, he'll deny it to your face but it's still time to tell him he needs to put distance between himself and this woman.

That means no more contact on social media, or by phone, and no casual chats over the bar. It means remaining civil but keeping distant at any social events he may find she's also at and it means being totally transparent with you.

Lol no, this is a tale as old time. Let me guess, she's younger, single and pretty. Bonus points for currently "going through a rough time" or recently single. Invite her to yours to "practice cutting hair" or say to DH you will come along to hers. Watch the plan suddenly disappear.

I definitely would not be happy about this. How often does he go to the pub that she works in? Why don't you go with him?