To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

@Fellohesh She sounds really weird tbh. I wouldn't personally invite someone's husband or even a single guy(that I didn't know very well) to come over and have a haircut unless I was desperate for sex.

You're definately not alone, I don't think I've ever had so many people quote a post of mine so quickly taking an issue with it!

It may just be a question of semantics? I find lots of people attractive, at least in some way. Maybe it's looks, maybe personality, maybe a sense of humour.

I'll admit I'm not picky, at least not initially. So the questions you asked your husband. "Do you think she's attractive", and "Would you ask her out on a date if you were single", would probably be a yes from me for the vast majority of people in my age bracket. Would that attraction develop into fancying them after that first date? Probably not in most cases, but I'm not going to find out if I don't ask in the first place.

Fair enough, I disagree. If my husband told me that a new lipstick didn't suit me or I shouldn't wear heels with that outfit, I wouldn't go change as I'm an adult who makes her own choices. But it would be deflating and quite mean and take the shine off the evening.

Non-sarky question, do you accept it back? If he said look, no offence, those shorts are not flattering or you shouldn't be wearing trainers with that - would you say okay and obediently change?

Thank you, I agree with you!

@Frugalgal this was meant for you lol

To me it sounds like they quite fancy each other, she's DM'd him on whatever pretext to go round to hers.
As others have said, don't be cool. If she wants to practice haircuts for real she can come round to yours or you can go over with him and get to know her as well.
Doubt she wants that though.

Yes, but I’ve never let a man tell me where I can or cannot go to. So, I wouldn’t dictate to a man what’s he’s allowed to do. 🤷‍♀️

Yes. If my DH had done that there would have been hell to pay. He ignored you, and listened to her. There is no other way to interpret what happened. If it was a case of another person having criticised it making him reflect he should still have spoken to you not her when he came down. I would accept DH doing that with MIL, but not anyone else.

Revealing that you say 'Told him to take something off'. So not a suggestion, but an order.

If you read the OPs other posts she says what he asked her was Would she be OK with him going and she said she wouldn't be OK with it, that's not really allowing or forbidding him, he asked her a question and she answered him truthfully

The only thing that having gone out with some idiotic men in life has taught me is that if you make something forbidden they will want it even more.

At the end of the day, if he fancies this women and she likes him (she asked to cut his hair, I’m sure she wouldn’t be so keen on 65 year old Bob from the pub coming over to have a cut), then he will cheat given half the chance anyway.

You can’t tell and adult what to do or let them do something, and he’ll probably see any discussion about her as being controlling - and then in his head, you are the dickhead not him, and it will make her seem even more attractive.

He obviously has a thing for her. There’s nothing you can do about that fact.

All you can do is control your own feelings. If you aren’t comfortable, you tell him that.

If he cares about you he would fully understand, see that it’s upsetting you and keep away from her to save you any upset.

If he doesn’t? If he stomps his feet and says it’s just a cut, she’s just a friend? Well that would tell you all you need to know.

I think she sounds quite brazen. If I walked in to a married couple’s house, I would not dream of questioning what the man was wearing in front of his wife. I would be mortified if he changed on my account. I would also not invite a married bloke round to ‘practice on’, I bet she hasn’t asked her grandad or the old bloke next door.

I get people flirt and have affairs but I feel she is being very proactive in her advances, especially since she’s been in your home and is more than aware of your existence.

I would tell my DH it’s a strong fucking no.

OP, you don't "let" an adult do something. You might not be keen, but he absolutely doesn't need your permission.

I personally wouldn’t let him go or I’d go with him. Can you record their interaction if he did go? Why can’t she come to your house (with you there)? You don’t want to be the woman posting here because you think your DH is having an affair. Is the woman single?

Occasionally you need to, in my experience. DH at DS’s graduation was a case in point. I saved him from looking out of place. He huffed and sighed and changed and complained - and then said nothing when we got there and he saw all the dads in the car park dressed like he now was, not like he’d thought was ok.

Bollocks to any thoughts of individual choice. I’m not having him look a scruff at our son’s graduation or our niece’s wedding.

I think it's quite telling that he even asked OP if she would be ok with it. He must have known it sounded dodgy as hell to start with.

Would he ask her if she would be ok with Bob cutting his hair? I doubt it.

Agree

Yes I absolutely accept it back, I would want someone to tell me if something about my outfit looks off or doesn’t go. I would appreciate it.

You don’t “let” or “not let” another grown adult do anything.

It enrages me when people talk about “letting” their spouse do something as if he were a wayward child you can ground at will. Like this awful phrase “nip this in the bud” which is regularly wheeled out on threads where a man is being shady. It’s not possible for one adult to stop another adult from being unfaithful.

Its a world where the wife is mum and the husband is like a naughty child constantly chasing after women and avoiding the back of her hand like something from the Benny Hill Show. Marriage through guilt, duty and coercion. It doesn’t work.

If you are with someone who is trying to get as far as he can in cheating you can’t and shouldn’t try to curb or stop his behaviour: its a waste of time and energy. You should be leaving him with your dignity intact.

It’s weird she 100% is in to him, I’m calling it now

No! She has said she feels uncomfortable with it probably because of the jacket situation.

He’s made his actions your problem to resolve.

Why is it your job to decide this?

Why can’t he work out the right thing to do for himself?

YABU

You sound paranoid and controlling.

You cannot try and police what he wears - then get upset for him not listening to you.

And you cannot police who he sees.

You’re also questioning him on whether he finds this woman attractive or not.

You say you trust him and that he’ll never cheat - so what’s the problem?

Honestly, OP it’s not very often I feel sorry for men on here but you seem incredibly difficult and I do feel for DP having to live with you - I say that in the kindest way I can as I’m not trying to have a go.

Perfectly ok to offer to cut someones hair while in training to practise if he has a type of hair she likes..god help or or needs to practise on.
Perhaps realosing he is a human and we interact with one anither and strike up friendships including the opposite gender.
Never use the term he is allowed...he is his own person not allowing time, opnion...i appreicate attractive people be it male or female...gosh so insecure are some of you.

This exactly.

When my ex husband left me for a work colleague I was called mad by a lot of people for “letting” him spend time with her on work trips and not putting my foot down.

What would that have achieved? “Oh gosh, my wife said no! I best not enter into an affair.”

I saw it coming a mile off (little things like OP, I would give him advice; he would laugh at me. She would say the same thing and he would act on it immediately.

so I prepared to leave him, and did. He had one foot out the door himself anyway.

Oh please! 🙄