To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

No, you’re absolutely not being unreasonable. You’re clearly picking up on something that is making you feel uncomfortable.

In your shoes, I would be very honest and open about how I was feeling. I’d also tell him to think very carefully about his next move because his behaviour is already making alarm bells ring, and he’s about an inch away from damaging his marriage. He might not be cheating. He might not have any intention of cheating. But your marriage needs to come before any budding friendship he has with anyone else and if his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable, he’s already crossed a line.

You know the answer - he should not go, we know the answer - he should not go. Talk to him about the word 'appropriate' and what it means in relation to a marriage.

You're not out of line at all. He's disappointed because you've said no, and now if he wants to get off with her he'll have to do it without your blessing, like a common or garden cheat. You're absolutely right to be on guard. And I would ask him to block her too actually. I've been on the receiving end of this too often. Just nip it before it gets any worse. Don't wave him off to another woman.

This reminds me of a film called The Tall Guy. The male lead was offered a drink at a party he said yes and the wife knew he was having an affair as the woman knew what he drank.

What I'm getting at is that the jacket thing is overstepping a boundary in plain sight.
Everybody else knew it too.

Your husband is a prick for doing that.

That alone would make me livid.

I think previous posters are nit-picking a bit here. Of course you can't stop him from going.

You're totally OK not to be happy about it.

All this asking for permission is pointless, they fancy each other.
And it's a bit shitty that he's asking, what a fucking creep he is putting the onus on you.
He should have just said no.

How far is he going to take it? I don't know. I think he's more likely to cheat than not, though.

Just to add to my earlier post, would he ask you if you were ok with him getting a haircut from Barry up the road if he were training to be a barber? Or your SiL? Why is he asking? Could it be because he already knows he’s pushing his luck?

I've never managed a haircut without the hairdresser's boobs in my face at some point 😂 It is quite intimate really.

I'm with you OP. Sometimes things need to be nipped in the bud before they become a problem and your gut is telling you something.

I would offer to let her cut my hair instead but would be worried that I'd end up with a Dudley Moore haircut

FWIW, I do not think that you are out of line.

my XH and my DP would both listen to me if I expressed concern, as I would to them. That’s why I asked how he reacted. If he is taking your feelings into consideration, then all good. If he pushed back, then… that would be a red flag for me.

what would you like to happen next?

I remember that film When the wife (emma thompson?) confronted him, he said it meant nothing to him and she said yes but whilst you were doing it, I meant nothing to you.

Christ, I think I'd struggle to get through life! I'd probably answer "Yes" to "Do you think they're attractive" for a good 80% of people within 15 years of my age. And I'm bisexual so can't even stick to my own sex to be safe!

I'd be very lonely if I wasn't allowed to talk to or spend time with anyone attractive.

Could she cut his hair at your house instead?

Would he be OK with a crew cut if she mucks up?

I’d feel the same OP. I always think it’s horrible using the word ‘attractive’. You can say ‘yes I think this person is good looking’ but when you use attractive it’s like saying ‘you’re attracted to them’ which is very different imo.

I think there's a difference between thinking someone is good looking and being attracted to someone though? Are you really attracted to almost every person you meet? 😂

Maybe I’m the odd one then because I hardly ever find someone attractive 🤣

Him being disappointed is not something you should feel bad for. Why on earth was he disappointed? Is he that desperate to be around her? Why do you feel bad?

haha I just said the same thing below you. It does make a huge difference

That’s not the same thing at all though. There’s a massive difference between thinking that someone is attractive, and thinking that they are so attractive that you start disrespecting your partner because of them.

Sorry but you sound super controlling.

You told him, unsolicited, that you didn't like his outfit? That is so rude.

And you are trying to tell him where he can get his hair cut?

Jesus.

His reaction to asking if he fancied her was not good. But from the sounds of it, you were picking at him and he was annoyed with you!

Exactly or that desperate for a free haircut that may or may not look good afterwards?

I feel bad because like people have said in here, I can’t stop him from doing something, but I feel like I am. I feel like I am being controlling and I don’t want to be like that but he asked me so I was being truthful

You don't get to 'let' him decide who cuts his hair.

Stop asking him leading questions that you might not like the answer to. If you trust him then leave him be. If you don't trust him then the relationship is doomed anyway.

It's a good line and so true. The only thing I remember, though, is the drink scene and how annoying the Jeff Goldblum character was. A real prat.

I've just looked up the film's synopsis.
I think that it was his girlfriend, not his wife.
Hey doesn't matter. 😁
It obviously made an impact on us.

It is not rude to tell your husband his jacket doesn’t suit what he’s wearing! I’ll be honest…. I have told him to take something off before as it just looks so bad. It was smart suit trousers with cowboy boots 😕😕😕 he usually dresses very cool in my opinion, a little “quirky” (hate that word but I guess it’s the right one to use), and usually looks good. But now and then he just pairs things together that do not look right. I don’t agree that telling him “that’s not a good pairing, it looks daft” is rude in the slightest

Don't feel bad. He's manipulating you so that he can't be the bad guy.
He doesn't normally ask for permission to do trivial stuff, does he?

He knows damned well he should have just refused.

Said someone who's DH has presumably never cheated?

OK, so saying 'not let him' aside, given people think it's controlling, and you can't actually stop him, you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Imagine (sorry), he goes over to the privacy of her house and he's sitting there with her boobs at eye level as she runs her fingers through his hair and stands really close to him, touching him. Unless she bore a striking resemblance to their own dear nan, most men would find that an erotic experience and would spend the entire time thinking about shagging her and imagining her naked. Now add to the mix that he admits to fancying her and she clearly fancies him or she wouldn't be inviting him over to administer her amateur hairdressing attempts to him.

You may as well be handing him on a plate to her. If he doesn't return home having shagged her I am a monkeys uncle. At the very least he would return home having spent the entire time thinking about shagging her.

Your problem isn't her really, of course, because if all was well in your relationship he wouldn't be transparently wanting to take her up on her obvious come on.

You need to sit him down and say he needs to decide if he's going to work on your relationship to the point where he wouldn't dream of risking it by doing this, or tell you whether it's over and he wants to plough a different furrow. So to speak.

Whatever happens, don't be a wet blanket and let this farce play out in front of you to it's inevitable painful conclusion.