To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

Also you could say you want a trim too?

This is my camp too…

’You’re telling me you want to go to the home of a woman you admitted you find attractive, and you want me to feel ok about it. I don’t, but these are your decisions and actions based on what you value most’

If he says ‘you’re over reacting it’s just a haircut’ I’d say, which you’ve managed elsewhere your entire life and you don’t owe this woman you find attractive any favours. Your wife has said she’s not comfortable with it but you still want to go- is that the situation here? Is that the kind of husband you aim to be?’

twatish behaviour on both their parts.

For anyone who watches Rivals I am getting James Vereker/Sarah Stratton vibes.

Exactly. But bet we get page and page of froth and "it's never a bloke called kevin"

With the jacket I’d have said possibly YABU because maybe he was just paying attention to two people saying the same thing, but the rest of it…nope! Sounds like a convenient excuse on her part. YANBU trust your instinct OP 💖

Thing is op, you can say no to this but if there’s intent on both sides and he isn’t a trustworthy husband then there will always be other opportunities. Trying to prevent a cheater from cheating is pointless. You can delay it but you can’t stop it indefinitely.

Great point!

Once again I ask people to stop using "cool" as in insult when iy just means people don't have the same opinions as you

Trust your instinct - I don’t think you’re wrong. Not about her anyway.

I think the expression 'cool wife' refers to women who make out they are happy to have their husbands flirt away with other women because they are so confident in their "solid" relationship.

This. I am always reminded about the ire that mike pence got when he said he would never meet with a woman without his wife...turns out he was a mumsnetter

No. Tell her to come to your house whilst you’re there. That’s what’s normal.

I never really understand this level of control and jealousy in a marriage and always assume these are the ones likely to end.

to be honest, if my husband said I don’t like your jacket I’d be like yeah alright who cares, if someone else said it in our group, I’d probably go oh ok and consider changing. I’d be utterly bemused if my husband then said do you fancy him and would you ask him out. It would be so insecure, jealous and needy I’d proper get the ick

I assume the issue here is you think she’s attractive, so you’re jealous in the base case.

stopping him getting a hair cut just shines a big spotlight on your jealousy. I’d have no issues, but if I did. I’d say yeah, sure, but ask her to come here and we can have lunch or something.

the bottom line is if you trust him then there is no reason for him to say no. Unless it’s simply you’re so jealous of her and her appearance, and he’s just made it worse by confirming he also thinks she’s attractive, you can’t stomach him being near her,

What flirting?

But humans DO make mistakes and surely sometimes you may need to point out to a partner they are being inconsiderate?

"Don't be wearing that hideous jacket when you go though, she hated it last time remember"

Jesus christ. At the stage you are bugging the situation just fucking break up

This! Maybe get your hair done too!

Well fair enough!

I have to say, I find it bad manners to comment after someone has decided to wear something. (Bar obvious mistakes like it's a black tie dress code and they didn't realise.)

Any man telling me I looked stupid and to go get changed wouldn't know what had hit him... but I guess we are all different!

Do people really talk like this?

So what if they are confident?

No! 😂

Not in my world. In OP's place, I'd be using much more direct and vulgar language 😃

An invested partner does not put themselves in potentially/compromising situations.
The DH is definitely acting suss and if he hasn't cheated is testing how far he can get.

OP should not have asked the questions she did (would you ask her out?, etc).

Be direct: I feel like your behaviour is showing interest in that woman and I'm not comfortable with it or you spending time with her. What do we need to talk about?

I would keep pushing to get the cards on the table. If the behaviour remains, increases, distance between us, whatever, I wouldn't just carry on hoping for the best, or nag for changes or discussions about it. I would just say, Not talking to me, flirtatious behaviour, rebuffing my concerns, spending time with her despite my concerns all point to cheating or considering it. If you don't want the marriage then it is time to separate.
And I would follow through.

So if you know your husband - why on earth are you coming on here asking a bunch of random strangers if you are unreasonable? Presumably you think she fancies him and now you know he fancies her so you don’t want him to go - fine. Why is that unreasonable? If you know your husband - then you know the answer, we don’t hence some of the posts saying YABU.