Page 20 | AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

RosePoett · 2026-05-27T12:04:45+00:00

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too? DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous. About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it. To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age. For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”. What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc. I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other. But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage. I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit. When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem. I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life. AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

bigboykitty · 28/05/2026 13:15

Freshstartyear25 · 28/05/2026 10:35

Honestly, I know you’ll think that isn’t helping but the fact that men are lining up to shag you now has nothing to do with you being attractive or not. You’re simply available for a quick no strings attached sex and those men are just taking advantage of that. Some of them would pay money to sleep with a woman, so why then won’t they take it for free when you’re offering it. I can’t honestly believe that you felt you won’t see anyone who wants to sleep with you, that’s exactly what those men want, free, pointless, no strings attached sex.

On the other hand, if a man says they’re married but available to sleep with anyone as they have their partners blessing, as you’ve seen on this thread, this would be a massive turn off for most women. Yes your husband may be good looking but if he’s been honest on dating sites, he’ll need to work harder to get people to sleep with.

When you both agreed to stay married and open up your marriage, then the other men you’re meeting up with should not then be taking priority when you’re with your husband. Texting the men when you’re at home would of course make him feel jealous as he is if he still cares about you.
He has now realised what’s happened and wants to see if you can work on your marriage and if you want the same thing then you agree to be monogamous again and see if it works.

I personally don’t think there’s any going back from this can of worms you’ve opened so good luck whatever you decide.

What a load of sexist, judgmental claptrap.

OtterlyAstounding · 28/05/2026 13:22

bigboykitty · 28/05/2026 13:15

What a load of sexist, judgmental claptrap.

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What's sexist about it?

The main thrust appears to be that women find it easy to have casual sex (true), and men often struggle in comparison (also true). Also that OP shouldn't be focusing on other men while at home with her DH (fair, if it's happening).

You might disagree with it, but I'm not really seeing any sexism?

Original poster

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 13:52

OtterlyAstounding · 28/05/2026 13:11

Well, OP, you've answered your own AIBU: Yes, you are being unreasonable to think that of your DH, apparently.

So just close your marriage and go back to normal, having learnt you don't want to have sex with other people to make your marriage better. It seems like a successful experiment in that case, I guess?

But it also seems like you have a lot of issues around defensiveness (needing to give long explanations to several throwaway comments on the thread that were clearly not genuine), low self-esteem, not wanting to process grief and pain, your DH having had a vasectomy right after several miscarriages, and general avoidance. So counselling of some sort, or some proper discussion with your DH and working through the issues instead of running away from them, might be worth considering.

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Yeah I definitely do and I’m working on getting help

OP posts:

BountifulPantry · 28/05/2026 13:58

would some counselling help for you both to talk it through?

IMO there’s more to be dug into here. How did he think it would pan out? What’s not working for him? How do you feel?

I think things like this come up when you have an alternative arrangement like yours because it’s not part of the blueprint of life. People often struggle to deal with unexpected emotions because it’s not the “norm”.

SpidersAreShitheads · 28/05/2026 14:09

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 12:17

I feel sorry for me too

What I’d like to understand it why do people have to be monogamous if they don’t want to be ? What if that worked out for some couples what’s the big deal ? Maybe it hasn’t worked for me but I know people who it’s worked well for 20+ years married they’re on same page in regards to monogamy or not monogamy.

There’s a lot of judgment why does everyone have to be monogamous is that the only way society can be ? What’s wrong with other options if both parties are happy. I was genuinely happy with trying this out I wasn’t forced into it if I felt that why surely I’d have left him by now. I have my own career, I have my own things I’ve never relied on a man to be able to do things for myself. I had my own house before we even go married, paid for it myself, saved up for the deposit myself I am very much capable of doing things in my own. We aren’t in a tradition relationship, we both work, we both pay the schools fees we might not pay the same as he earns a bit more as a surgeon, we both bought our house the mortgage was essentially a 50/50 split as at that time he wasn’t a surgeon we were earning similar and saved up the same amount each. It’s an equal partnership for us we are not traditional in any way shape or form, he cooks the supper on certain days or the week I cook on other days, he does the laundry, there’s nothing in this house that I solely do or he solely does it’s an equal footing. The children have grown up in a house where mum and dad both do things, sometimes we switch i load the dishwasher he unloads it in the morning or he loads it I unload it later on. We have one car as we don’t see the point of having two cars it’s a waste for us and our household it would just sit there doing nothing. if we are going on holiday and it’s a long drive we take turns. I have friends who are in a somewhat tradition relationship husband doesn’t lost dishwasher or cook ever. That’s not wrong if they’re both happy that’s how it should be. I came from a very progressive family albeit they divorced and remained very close friends till the very end they both met other people and remarried, on big special birthdays for instance my 21st both my parents were there with their new partners, on my wedding they could sit at the same table and converse. I have friends who’s parents albeit divorced she remarried couldn’t even look at eachother at their children’s graduation. I’m not saying that’s odd I’m pointing out that every relationship is different. What works for some might not work for others but I don’t judge.

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In fairness OP, taking turns loading the dishwasher isn’t remotely in the same ball park as agreeing to have sex with other people!

But it is a really good question because for many women, the mention of an open relationship instantly gets their backs up. I find myself having this reaction to some degree, if I’m being honest, although I try really hard to set my own feelings aside on posts like this.

I don’t think there’s a single answer but possibly a combination of:

It almost always goes wrong. One partner gets jealous, or one partner ends up developing feelings for the new partner. In the vast majority of cases it gets messy and painful and leads to the relationship breakdown. It’s hard to imagine someone not anticipating that in advance.
It’s often because there are deeper problems in the relationship (this one applies to you). You love your DH but you say you’ve been cold to him because you’ve been trying to get through the devastation of the miscarriages. This is never a good point to open a marriage because there’s a gaping wound that needs healing first.
In so many cases it’s actually about the man trying to have an “ethical affair”. The woman goes along with it to keep him happy but may never/rarely avail herself of sex outside the marriage. An option chosen by men for their own benefit with women feeling as if they have to agree to keep the marriage.
Society oversexualises women in a way that doesn’t apply to men. If we aren’t constantly sexually active, attractive, and open-minded sexually then we’re judged as dried-up old hags. The same judgement doesn’t apply to men. Just look at words like “mumsy” - there’s an implied judgement there but where’s the male equivalent? There isn’t one. So hearing other women consenting to having an open marriage increases societal pressure for other women to be “cool girls” too.
Humans like to feel safe - even if they are adventurous in other ways, we tend to feel reassured by familiarity. And being in a relationship can make us feel secure in a way that can be hard to find elsewhere. It’s why so many singles try so hard to find a partner even when they have wonderful friends and a good life. Others breaking that societal agreement can feel threatening because we rely on shared societal pacts.(Just a point of note - obviously many people are perfectly happy single - I’m talking in terms of sweeping generalisations).
Quite a lot of non-monogamous couples are extremely judgemental about monogamy. You’ve actually done this a bit yourself OP - in this post you talk about you and your family being “progressive” which implies that monogamy is something that’s old-fashioned and rooted in the past. You have also said repeatedly that you are open-minded sexually - which again implies that anyone who doesn’t want other partners can’t be classed as sexually open-minded.

I think it’s an interesting question to think about - and I appreciate you asking the question OP as it made me think hard.

Of course there are some women who genuinely like the idea but as a PP said, the reality of all that it involves is very different than the fantasy. In reality it often goes wrong for one or more of the reasons listed above.

And I’m sure there are some couples in an open relationship where it works. But I think as another PP suggested, that seems to be those who started off with that lifestyle originally. Also, when you say you know couples in an open relationship where it’s “worked” - you don’t really know that. Behind closed doors one of them may be deeply unhappy but doesn’t want to split, or they may struggle to connect etc. I’m not sure that just being together is a trustworthy metric for whether non-monogamous relationships work well. And yes, I would say the same for monogamous relationships. None of us really know what’s going on in other people’s relationships unless they choose to divulge it with true honesty and candour.

I accept that sometimes it may work well but anecdotally, those cases seem to be in the minority.

On a more personal note, I hope things get better for you as reading through all your responses, you could do with therapy and also a big hug 💐

HeyThereDelila · 28/05/2026 14:11

You both sound insane. What a toxic relationship, and how awful for your DC if they ever found out.

Bloody hell, just divorce and have done with it.

WildEnergySupplier · 28/05/2026 14:17

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 12:17

I feel sorry for me too

What I’d like to understand it why do people have to be monogamous if they don’t want to be ? What if that worked out for some couples what’s the big deal ? Maybe it hasn’t worked for me but I know people who it’s worked well for 20+ years married they’re on same page in regards to monogamy or not monogamy.

There’s a lot of judgment why does everyone have to be monogamous is that the only way society can be ? What’s wrong with other options if both parties are happy. I was genuinely happy with trying this out I wasn’t forced into it if I felt that why surely I’d have left him by now. I have my own career, I have my own things I’ve never relied on a man to be able to do things for myself. I had my own house before we even go married, paid for it myself, saved up for the deposit myself I am very much capable of doing things in my own. We aren’t in a tradition relationship, we both work, we both pay the schools fees we might not pay the same as he earns a bit more as a surgeon, we both bought our house the mortgage was essentially a 50/50 split as at that time he wasn’t a surgeon we were earning similar and saved up the same amount each. It’s an equal partnership for us we are not traditional in any way shape or form, he cooks the supper on certain days or the week I cook on other days, he does the laundry, there’s nothing in this house that I solely do or he solely does it’s an equal footing. The children have grown up in a house where mum and dad both do things, sometimes we switch i load the dishwasher he unloads it in the morning or he loads it I unload it later on. We have one car as we don’t see the point of having two cars it’s a waste for us and our household it would just sit there doing nothing. if we are going on holiday and it’s a long drive we take turns. I have friends who are in a somewhat tradition relationship husband doesn’t lost dishwasher or cook ever. That’s not wrong if they’re both happy that’s how it should be. I came from a very progressive family albeit they divorced and remained very close friends till the very end they both met other people and remarried, on big special birthdays for instance my 21st both my parents were there with their new partners, on my wedding they could sit at the same table and converse. I have friends who’s parents albeit divorced she remarried couldn’t even look at eachother at their children’s graduation. I’m not saying that’s odd I’m pointing out that every relationship is different. What works for some might not work for others but I don’t judge.

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Am surprised to read you know couples in which this has worked.

I've known a few relationships where this was tried. In 100% of the cases, the relationship then failed.

Blondiebeachbabe · 28/05/2026 14:23

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:12

I think it’s a me problem in regards to my self esteem. He hasn’t chipped at my confidence, he’s always uplifted me for the 25 years I have known him he’s always made me feel very confident. I lost myself the last 2 years after miscarriages and then death of a family member where I was the executor of their estate which was chaos to be honest.

DH and I went from 16 or let’s say 25 years. I’ve known him since the first day of university. We liked each other from the moment we met life was busy we were both pursuing medicine. He was far more ambitious than I ever was a lot of the amazing things I have done I couldn’t have achieved without his support if I’m being honest. A prentice died during my 3rd year of my medicine degree I wanted to drop out I thought I would drop out, DH would come and just sit in silence with me I didn’t want to do anything it was a very rough time. We were young barely 21 I was still 20 at that point. Same with when I finished my degree I was scared to go volunteer in Eastern Europe he told me I should go I will regret it if I don’t. I was so nervous but the support I had from him and friends and family members are what helped me. I now speak multiple languages because of that experience. I have letters he sent me during that time whilst he was in South America volunteering. I didn’t marry the wrong man. Yes we were on and off from ages of 18 but that’s because we wanted to also go volunteer and do other stuff. I wanted to be a good doctor and get experience in other countries. I wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t helped me realise my strength.I’ve been judged here for being on and off. We met at 18 years old of course we were going to be on and off not many relationships last at that age. I’m glad we were on and off we both went and did our own things, experiences that have shaped us for life.

Before my miscarriages we spent years going cycling in multiple countries, we’ve always done that, we took our children ‘bike packing’ across Spain we have done that pretty much every year since they were 4 or so years old. Now they can cycle he takes them. I’ve been in a rut for a while. Depressed to be honest. Not because of him, this is a me issue. He had tried to help, he got me a counsellor 2 years ago I said no I didn’t want to talk about my feelings that’s on me. I was being stubborn.

I 100% agree most women do form attachments. I haven’t as of yet I want my husband that’s who my attachment is with. Defiantly not what I dreamed of when we got married, life has happened I can’t spend the rest of it dwelling on our mistakes. We can try and rectify it and see how far we get with that if not then that’s a shame but I think we will both be fine. I’ve never doubted his love for me never not trusted him.

My worth isn’t based on men it’s based on how I see myself or how I’ve perceived myself. I have not done anything for myself in a long long time, not even bought a new outfit for myself in 10 years. Every new outfit I have had or makeup has been gifted. I haven’t gone out of my way to go to Zara etc and buy a new outfit. I just haven’t felt like it. DH always recommends I go on a day out and buy myself something nice I refused. I’ve hated the sight of myself since having a miscarriage that’s on me that’s not on him he has tried to support me. You can only help someone so much, sometimes they have to want the help to be helped.

Im basing it all on me and my perception of myself. Men will like anything I know that.

I am dyslexic so that might have affected how I phrased things. He wasn’t surprised as in “eww who would want you” he was surprised at men in general I didn’t like any of the men on the dating app they just liked me I never initiated any conversation with any of them. It’s been quite the sociological experiment. I have never messaged a man first. As a woman you can go on any dating site and be enamoured by hundreds of likes without even doing much. These men don’t know anything about me, they probably do not care, they don’t care about my achievements, whether I’m funny, what my interests are or anything. They just see a woman. That’s what he was surprised at. It was just interesting if I am to take anything from this, it is that most men will like anything you don’t even need to say anything. It’s made me disgusted. I didn’t put anything personal really about myself, anyone that I met didn’t even know that I am a doctor the most they knew was that I am married, we are in a rut and are willing to try an open marriage. I didn’t tell any of them personal things yet they were still wanting to message. Somewhat radicalised me.

In my early years I was not focused on men at all. I never took any notice of men. Have countless letters still in my childhood home from boys and I just ignored them. All through school as I went to a girls school and there was a boys school near us that we did dances with etc there was a rumour that I was a lesbian because I just was not interested in any of them never really had a crush till I got to university. I spent majority of my childhood surrounded by women who were very intelligent and I wanted to be like them. I think that’s where my insecurity stems from I probably became too ambitious and lost sight of everything else. To the point my mother once said to me at 25 ‘a career isn’t everything and sometimes you’re too ambitious just ket loose a little’ not verbatim but something along those lines.

I have a grown up in an environment where everything was very ambitious and that’s all I’ve ever focused on. That’s all that my worth has been based on sadly and I’m willing to work on it maybe in your 40s it’s too late but I’m willing to try.

I digress. To answer your question no this is not what I wanted for my marriage to be like. It’s quite an obvious answer. I’m down and quite depressed I’d say. Everyone goes through moments in life, I’ve had a somewhat easy privileged life till my 40s but I have the rest of my life. I’m not going to dwell on it I want to work on my mental health and try with my marriage nothing wrong with wanting to try. Maybe it’ll work maybe it won’t.

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You sound like such an AMAZING woman, who has accomplished so much! These sleazy men don't deserve you.

I am speaking from experience. My ExH and I slept around on each other when we were separating. He had been my first proper boyfriend, and the only man I had slept with. Suddenly, dating new men at almost 40, was amazing, as I had so much attention. Quite predictably, all of them were only in it for the sex. One by one they drifted off, found someone else to bang, stopped replying to my messages etc. So ultimately, what started for me, as something quite exciting, turned into something very dark and damaging.

By the time I met my now DH, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I had been so consumed by meeting other men, that I had truly lost myself in the process. Luckily for me, he is an amazing man, and over time, he has healed all that nonsense.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that these other men will bring you down in the end. I wish I had known about MN back then, perhaps if I had posted, other women could have helped me to see the wood for the trees.

With the internet, meeting new people has become easy, it's like shopping for sex partners in a sweetie shop. Unfortunately, when you're not even looking for a Partner, but instead offering hook up's only, with no strings attached sex, most of the men on the shelf are akin to a 10p Freddo bar, when most women really do deserve a big box of Hotel Chocolat.

Sashya · 28/05/2026 14:26

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 12:38

I think you’ve captured this very well and are far more articulate at describing it than I am. I think he is jealous of the ‘connections’ and I can understand why. In a way it has helped me want more from my marriage and want to fix it. We got into a routine and forgot that we are a couple too we aren’t just parents or our jobs we can have fun too. We used to have tons of fun, there were times where we’d just have a weekend alone and just hang out talk and laugh till 4am in the morning not even sex just enjoy eachothers company. We are connected and I love him I don’t want to just throw my marriage away for nothing.
Everytime I met someone who I could just speak to and have fun with that wasn’t sexual I just thought I wish it was my husband, I went to a jazz bar with one guy we just talked and half way through I just said I can’t do this I’m married and miss my husband. The guy said okay that’s fair enough he left and I was just there on my own. I called DH and asked him if he wanted to come join me and he did and we had a great night together listening to music and talking. After that night is when he said he’d much rather we just work on our marriage instead of meeting other people.

Everyone here thinks my marriage will fail all because of a bump in the road. We were very happy before having miscarriages back to back the last 2 years and decided to stop trying as it was causing more harm. We just accepted and decided we have 2 children that’s already a blessing we should cherish that. I just tried to forget about the miscarriages and ignore the fact that they did in fact affect my mental health. He has tried to support me but I didn’t want the support. I didn’t come here to make him out to be the villain maybe my original post painted him badly but that wasn’t my intention.

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Personally - I don't think your marriage is doomed at all. I think, quite the contrary - you both are thoughtful and honest people, who are in touch with their feelings and are not afraid to discuss issues that most other people just sweep under a rug.

Long relationships are not easy. Brining up kids changes couples dynamics. And sexual energy between the couple wanes - while newness in sex is something people crave.

It took a lot of courage for the both of you to try an open marriage. And you stuck to the boundaries, etc - which is not often the case. And for your couple - I think you did well.

Does he want to close it again because he realised that he can't take you enjoying it - sure. Bur why does it matter? He is not simply jealous - he is aware that the connections that you might form would endanger your marriage.

So - closing it up is not a bad way to go.

Alternatively - you guys can explore other ways of keeping things slightly exciting - you can try playing as a couple with other couples. This is another way people deal with the boredom of long marriages.

But I'd probably close it for a while, and see how you get on as a couple. Maybe do a bit of counselling - talk through feelings, check in with each other - sort of like a car tune-up for a marriage.
And then - if both of you miss any aspects of the sexual freedom you explored - you could find other ways of experiencing it without causing jealousy.

bafta16 · 28/05/2026 14:40

I can't comprehend why casual sex would solve problems. Nor can I imagine the life of the teens in this situation.
Anyway, I know nowt.

mochimoons · 28/05/2026 14:42

@RosePoett To me, it sounds like this has been a similar experience for both of you, but that you’ve both realised how much you want each other. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s just jealous or thought you wouldn’t do well that he wants to close the relationship again. If anything, it sounds like the experience helped you both recognise what you value in yourselves and in your relationship.

Lots of people are very uptight about sex and can only imagine relationships working in one specific way, but people are usually far more complicated than that. If a relationship feels stuck in a rut, trying something new can actually help people learn more about themselves and each other.

It sounds like you’re both lucky to have come out of this with a clearer understanding that you genuinely want each other. That doesn’t sound doomed to me, it sounds like an experience that gave you both more clarity about your relationship.

aquitodavia · 28/05/2026 14:55

bafta16 · 28/05/2026 14:40

I can't comprehend why casual sex would solve problems. Nor can I imagine the life of the teens in this situation.
Anyway, I know nowt.

You don't have to comprehend it. And the life of the teens in this situation will be exactly the same as teens in any loving family, they're not doing it in front of them.

If all you have to contribute is to take shots at the OP's parenting - an extremely low blow - why don't you just ignore the thread?

FelicityShagsWell · 28/05/2026 21:38

EnglishmenDetestaSiesta · 27/05/2026 13:45

Why don’t you just split up and then you can both fuck around all you like instead of this ‘open marriage’ bollocks?

I'm with you there. I'll never get my head around it and thankfully I'll never have to. I'm wondering if couples who find themselves in the OP's situation would ever really be happy as a couple if they decided to stop this. I wonder what statistics are, if any?

CountBoscoTheSecondsWife · 28/05/2026 22:44

I just speed-read the thread and i agree with so many previous posters that I won't bother repeating what they said.
One thing that stood out to me that I haven't seen anyone address is that you mentioned a huge number of times that you haven't bought new clothes in approx 10 years and that this likely compounded your feelings of not feeling attractive. OP, please text a good friend who enjoys clothes shopping, set a couple of hundred £s aside, and have yourself a clothes shopping day.

Ifallelsefails · 29/05/2026 03:27

I just can't imagine why, when you've had miscarriages and you say you've struggled mentally etc., why would your husband then suggest having an open relationship which you then agreed to? If anything, him being a surgeon and you being a doctor surely you'd get access to endless private healthcare. Have you seen your own GP about your struggles?

Can I ask what culture you both are?

SundayBangor · 29/05/2026 04:22

MagpiePi · 27/05/2026 15:16

@PyongyangKipperbang

Brilliant article which has made me chuckle!

Some great turns of phrase:

being banged like a Salvation Army drum

most men will shag a bollard if you put a dress on it

Most men’s dating profiles are hideous, and then they whinge on about how “90 per cent of women on apps only swipe right on 10 per cent of the men.” Yes Kevin! That’s because 90 per cent of the men on there look like serial killers with an angler’s licence.

And I haven't heard the term 'knobbing' for ages.

It's one of the most misogynistic descriptions of a woman having lots of casual sex I've ever come across.
Does nothing to dispel my suspicion the whole ethical non-monogamy movement is the same old same old in fancy new clothes.

User565635 · 29/05/2026 04:58

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VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 29/05/2026 12:26

FelicityShagsWell · 28/05/2026 21:38

I'm with you there. I'll never get my head around it and thankfully I'll never have to. I'm wondering if couples who find themselves in the OP's situation would ever really be happy as a couple if they decided to stop this. I wonder what statistics are, if any?

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I thought of an analogy yesterday while contemplating this thread that I thought worked well.

I love Arsenal. I fell in love with them when I was young, and I'll love them until I die. I've loved them through the good times, and I'll love them through the bad times, when the football has been crap or the drama behind the scenes has been atrocious. Even when my relationship with the club is at its roughest, I still love Arsenal.

I also love football*. I will happily watch games that don't involve Arsenal. No, it's never going to feel the same, I'm not going to feel the same highs watching two random teams as I do watching my beloved. But I will still enjoy the game for what it is, and it can actually be quite nice, being able to enjoy football just being football, with no worries about the scoreline etc. And it's exciting, new, different, and can make you evaluate and appreciate what you have at home.

--

I love DP. I fell in love with her when I was young, and I'll love her until I die. I've loved her through the good times, and I'll love her through the bad times, when the sex or the arguments are rife. Even when my relationship with her is at its roughest, I still love DP.

I also love sex. I would happily have sex that doesn't involve DP. No, it's never going to feel the same, I'm not going to feel the same intimacy with a random person as I do with my beloved. But I will still enjoy the sex for what it is, and it can actually be quite nice, being able to enjoy sex just being sex, without all the history etc. And it's exciting, new, different, and can make you evaluate and appreciate what you have at home.

---

Now that's where the analogy falls down for most people. Because while most fans of a football team also enjoy football for football, for most people love and sex are two intertwined. They're part of the same thing.

It's certainly why it falls down for me. I can happily separate those two things, but DP can't, and an open relationship is something she'd never ever consider. And if the trade off for being with her is never having sex with anyone else, then thats one I'll happily pay.

But lets say you've got two people in a relationship both decide they'd like to try something extra, something different. And then for whatever reason it doesn't work, someone gets jealous. Then I don't see why they couldn't be happy afterwards. Why they wouldn't choose Arsenal over football and be perfectly happy about that? I certainly would.

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*This isn't actually true. I absolutely loathe football, but my actual hobby is too niche and not team related so the analogy wouldn't work, and I'm reading Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby at the moment so Arsenal it is!

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/05/2026 22:35

SundayBangor · 29/05/2026 04:22

It's one of the most misogynistic descriptions of a woman having lots of casual sex I've ever come across.
Does nothing to dispel my suspicion the whole ethical non-monogamy movement is the same old same old in fancy new clothes.

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How on earth is it misogynistic?!

ShutUpOverSharer · 30/05/2026 11:44

C8H10N4O2 · 27/05/2026 13:29

Yes there was a bit of a trend for this at one time and I remember this exact pattern of “man wants to open marriage, man not happy that wife gets more out of it” repeating itself a few times. I think there were even a couple of books and tv dramas based on this scenario due to the frequency with which it was cropping up on relationship pages.

It has to work for both but from observation its a hard change to reverse without longer term affects on the marriage unless both equally want to reverse the change.

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Any recommendations for novels? I think people getting what they deserve is just what I need right now ☺️

ShutUpOverSharer · 30/05/2026 12:05

RosePoett · 27/05/2026 18:45

I didn’t come on here to be judged. I do understand it’s not the norm I was just looking for some perspectives. I did not tell my children about my sex life before with this dad not sure why I would now ?
I have not abandoned my children or my hobbies or friends. I haven’t missed any of my children’s milestones, activities or plans to go ‘shag’ someone.

DH is getting attention I don’t think it’s all an attention thing, maybe he didn’t realise how he’d feel it’s one of those where maybe we’ve made a mistake. I was open minded.

You come across as a really lovely, empathetic, insightful person and moreover, I believe you have a scientist's mindset! You are open to trying new things, experimenting with different ways of being, and still remaining empathetically human to the experiences of those around you. You seem to have avoided most of those crazy fucking 21st century attitudes to sex, and parenting...the whole 'holy parents'/shame double-bill that we all seem to be so desperate to buy tickets for.

I will try and respond to your original query but that's not my reason for posting. I have just watched with dismay as you try to appease and justify yourselves to people who don't have 1/10 of your bravery or empathy. Please don't derail your extremely interesting post for them?

As for the original query:

You've hit the nail on the head for the reasons why your husband is upset. You have also stated that you love him and you don't want to leave him, and it seems that you could go back to a closed marriage without too much disquiet within yourself. Seems to me that's a testament to the very happy marriage you've built - good on you!

The reasons that he has felt and behaved this way are complex... due to the whole late stage capitalism patriarchy head-fuck we all find ourselves in. It damages us all in different ways.

It's not good reading this about your husband - It actually makes me really, really cross for the reasons that you've already identified ....and so I imagine it's definitely not great having this in your head about him. So I think ultimately it's that compromise when we realise that the people we love are flawed, as are we. So we live with the flaws of those we love. When the flaws within people cause such great ruptures of their psyche they are doing intense damage to others? Well hopefully then all parties accept the pros need to come in! But absolutely nowhere in your post have you implied that about your husband.
He's a flawed man.
You absolutely did nothing wrong.
It sounds like amazing fun and I wish it had lasted for both of you but it hasn't.
I think you should be really proud of yourself though.... and please don't listen to the crazies trying to make you feel bad?

SundayBangor · 30/05/2026 12:52

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/05/2026 22:35

How on earth is it misogynistic?!

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I'm not sure I believe you genuinely don't understand why "being banged like a Salvation army drum" is a misogynistic way to describe a very sexually active woman, but to spell it out:
the analogue of the woman here is an inanimate object - a drum. The sex-having men are agents who enact music making. The drum (woman) is the passive recipient of their blows (thrusts?).

I feel a bit ill now, dwelling on it. And like I need another shower.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/05/2026 15:13

ShutUpOverSharer · 30/05/2026 11:44

Any recommendations for novels? I think people getting what they deserve is just what I need right now ☺️

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Honestly it was a long time ago and the books would have been holiday type/chick lit reads. There is a GoodReads topic on Open Marriage and whilst for the last 10 years or so publishing has been more likely to publish super happy poly stories than wife-wins-out stories there may be some on the list.

It was a theme in a few Play for Today type dramas and the odd serial - one which sticks in my mind was where the DH put the wife under a lot of pressure and they went to a sex club. She intended to do nothing whilst he swanned off with the first woman who blinked at him but ultimately she enjoyed it all much more than him but he hated it - the fact that she enjoyed it. Someone may remember the title. I suppose the Robert Redford film Indecent Proposal covers this theme, although in that case the man sends his wife to a billionaire for the night to cover his gambling debts and then realises his foolishness.

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2026 17:05

ShutUpOverSharer · 30/05/2026 11:44

Any recommendations for novels? I think people getting what they deserve is just what I need right now ☺️

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The novel is very different, but for a film, I'd recommend She Devil with Meryl Streep and Roseanne Barr. Highbrow it ain't and it's not generally considered a good film, but a minority does exist and I'm in it... I think it's very funny, and actually, despite being a revenge story, not spiteful. The ending is nicer than you might expect. A good way to play out vengeful feelings but not feel bad afterwards.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2026 21:36

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2026 17:05

The novel is very different, but for a film, I'd recommend She Devil with Meryl Streep and Roseanne Barr. Highbrow it ain't and it's not generally considered a good film, but a minority does exist and I'm in it... I think it's very funny, and actually, despite being a revenge story, not spiteful. The ending is nicer than you might expect. A good way to play out vengeful feelings but not feel bad afterwards.

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Is that the the film version of "The life and loves of a she devil"? It was fabulous!

ETA the moment where she walks in to them shagging in the pool and says "here are your kids, I am off!" was great.