AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

So when you discussed boundaries at the start of all this did you both decide not to make it a condition that if this didn’t work for one of you and was damaging the marriage that you’d close the relationship again?

Well you might be right.
But at the same time, I doubt anyone can really predict how they’ll feel in this situation. Maybe they think they won’t mind, or maybe even find the idea of their partner with others hot, but when reality comes they realise that actually it’s all better off as a fantasy. He might have found it difficult even if you’d just been out with one person on one occasion. You might have found it harder than you thought.

Often the reality is very different to how you think it's going to go hence why the need to have really clear boundaries. Whatever his reasons are he isn't happy with the situation, did you discuss this before doing so and if so what was the decision? I've seen too many friends relationships break up over this because one person enjoyed it more than the other and didn't want to go back to a closed marriage.

Sounds like he's realized he feels jealous when you're with other people? Not sure if that necessarily means he just doesn't like you getting attention, but that you being with others has sparked feelings in him he didn't realize he'd have? That's valid I'd say, just depends how you want to proceed.

I think men who suggest this often do it so that they can sleep around with impunity, gullt free, and don't really think that their wives can do the same. Like your husband, they often imagine that they'll be the total playboy but the wife will just naturally self censor and not have much action; not necessarily through lack of offers but just naturally won't want to do much. Sometimes they're right and sometimes they're dead wrong.

If it's causing bad feeling to him then it is about protecting the marriage, as the marriage might not survive if this continues. He's probably also feeling insecure that other men can bring this sort of satisfaction to which your long married, family life perhaps isn't quite so conducive.

Either way, it doesn't seem to be working for your relationship. You both need to be happy with it. Are you willing to go back to a closed marriage and do you trust him to do the same?

I think it’s fair enough to be honest. How you feel about the thought of something/the fantasy of something can be vastly different to how you feel about it in reality. It’s why in situations like this you can have 1000 conversations about it before making the decision to go for it but that can all mean very little once it becomes a reality.

I don't think you are unreasonable, but neither is DH.
I think if you agreed to open the marriage, you can agree to close it again.
I'm no expert but I'd imagine that women willing to do this are in shorter supply than men, so regardless of looks, charm etc. you were always going to get more attention.

I think what he wants is for you to have a closed marriage and him to have an open one.

He thought you’d sit at home while he had sex with every Women he ever looked at and thought about.

I’ll go out on a limb and say he was getting his open sex much faster after the original opening of the marriage and was very much happy with the deal.

Then boom not so much fun when your wife is getting railed by randoms while your watching the kids 😂😂

Poor lad.

Yes there was a bit of a trend for this at one time and I remember this exact pattern of “man wants to open marriage, man not happy that wife gets more out of it” repeating itself a few times. I think there were even a couple of books and tv dramas based on this scenario due to the frequency with which it was cropping up on relationship pages.

It has to work for both but from observation its a hard change to reverse without longer term affects on the marriage unless both equally want to reverse the change.

I think the decision to open a marriage, keep it open, has to be a mutual one.

You can’t insist on keeping the marriage open without his consent and assume that the marriage will continue.

If he is not willing to continue with an open marriage, he needs to consider if he wants to end the marriage if you keep seeing other people. In your case, you need to consider if you’re willing to end the marriage if the alternative is to return to having it closed.

Sounds like things might be at their natural end tbh!

This is probably true of course. And that’s tough!

YANBU

He imagined himself having a great old time, he did NOT imagine you having a great old time.
And the fact that he did not imagine this possibility shows he was only thinking of himself when he proposed opening the marriage, and he's only thinking himself now he's proposing closing it down.

He should have been more careful about what he wished for! The genie’s out of the bottle now…

I mean - does it matter?

The current arrangement is no longer working so you either decide to go back to monogamy or spilt.

Occasionally the other half jokes about us doing this (he doesn't do sex without emotions so I doubt he'd actually want to)
I remind him that I could get laid within the hour without lowering my attractiveness standards every time (just in case hes thinking about it 😂)

Don't kid yourself this improved your relationship, it didn't!

There's one of these "man regrets it" posts regularly. I laugh vicariously at their silly testerical behaviour. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes as the cliché goes.

Is it possible he was seeing one particular woman (for longer than this was an ‘open’ marriage). He was trying out a new life with her while keeping you around, sort of ethically as things were ‘open’. That relationship ended between them, while you’re enjoying yourself - which is now of no benefit to him.
To me it sounds like he was testing the waters before ending the marriage. He was one foot in and one foot out. And now everythings changed, he can’t have his cake and eat it.

Why don’t you just split up and then you can both fuck around all you like instead of this ‘open marriage’ bollocks?

I think this is probably a combination of things.

1. He assumed he was hot stuff and would rake the women in.

2. He also assumed you were middle aged and mumsy. And because he was a bit bored with you, that his lack of interest would be matched by a lack of interest from other men.

3. He views you as his property.

4. He's worried that he won't be enough for you anymore.

Of course, number 5 would be the BEST of the combo.

5. He's realised that shagging other women is meaningless and that actually, sex within a loving relationship with someone you've grown up with is the most satisfying sex.

But he's a twat for fucking around and finding out.

I mean, how does this stuff work? Do you both go on dating sites or how else do you meet people to have these "dates".

It's as seedy as fuck IMO

Well what do you want OP because even if you agreed to 'close' the marriage - do you believe he actually would? Or would it be you going back to plain dutiful wife while he still very much enjoys playing the field? Is it that he very much wanted to sleep with someone in particular and either it has happened and was a flash in the pan or it didnt happen, and now the shine of open marriage has worn off.

Yep, I’d say coolly it was your idea and why don’t you see a therapist and explain you suggested it becuase you thought no one would be attracted to your boring wife, and now you’re mad that other men do appreciate me. I think it’s wonderful to be appreciated given that’s the attitude I’ve had at home and you sulking is the last thing that will change my mind. I think you should put some therapy hours and personal work into learning to value what you threw away - which was me exclusively having sex with you.

it's always going to be far easier for a 44 year old woman to find no-string sex than a 44 year old man. As the quote goes, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

As for his attitude, when people in a committed relationship see other people, men are more concerned with sexual infidelity, and women with emotional infidelity.

This explains why you're having an easier time of it, and why he doesn't like it.