AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

OP, you have been given a hard time here.

So you tried it, and now your DH wants to close the marriage, you’re ok about this, and you both want to stay married. And that latter point is really positive.

There’s no harm in counselling if you think it will help. I really hope it all works out for you both - and if you decide to start another thread, maybe head to the Relationships area of MN, instead of AIBU (where people regularly get annihilated for the most benign comments)!

Whatever you decide, make sure it works for both of you & applies to both of you. Don't be manipulated into becoming monogamous yourself while he's still allowed an open relationship.

I am happy closing things. we just wanted to try something different. We’ve had a couple of awful years recently and have been stuck in a rut. Therapy would have probably helped , DH suggest multiple times but I refused that I didn’t really want to talk about my emotions after miscarriages etc. Thought I could just deal with it all myself, think I’ve had quite an easy life up u til the last 2 years so it was all new to me and I did not have coping mechanisms. Stuck myself into work and children and house renovations, life just got us, I had an elderly relative who made me the executor of their estate which was also very very stressful. All in all there’s just been a lot happening and I didn’t take time to just take a deep breath.

I think it was rogue way of doing things but it’s brought us closer. I am not against open marriages I think everyone is different and allowed to do what they want in their marriage if both parties consent.

I am not mad at him at all I’m quite annoyed at myself for how cold I had been with him because during all the issues we’ve been having. He recently said he met someone she seemed nice but left half way through the meal because he just wanted to see him and says that’s opened his eyes he wants us to work in our marriage at least try. I’ve felt the same way I do miss him just a few years ago we were happy and doing well but one thing has led to another a domino effect.

I think I probably got a bit too big headed. Felt like I was in my 20s again. I didn’t sleep with every single man I met, just the fact that they wanted me was something. I have tried to minimise myself for a while (not because of my husband) he’s always told me how attractive I am etc but when you’re dealing with other matters that’s the last thing on your mind at least for me. I have spent a long time not really putting much effort, we had date nights but then go too busy, life just gets busy. We’d like to incorporate that again. I didn’t buy new clothes for myself about 10 yrs all that plays a part in how you feel about yourself at least for me.

I feel that we opened a can of worms for no reason at all but I’m not mad that we tried being open minded. It’s made me realise a lot about myself and made me want to try counselling individual but also with my husband. We will see how that goes.

I think you’re depressed and should get therapy about your miscarriages first. Once you’re in a happier place about that, then make a judgment call about your marriage. There’s no rush, give yourself enough time to adjust.

I wish you well with that.

Whenever you contemplate divorce, people are bound to romanticise the early days, because they just face up to the fact they made a bad decision.

What concerns me is that you say your husband is attractive and getting more attractive as he gets older. You imply you won’t have the same choices getting older.

Tolerating cheating just to keep the marriage alive just destroys self esteem. At some point, it will all get too much and you will just call it a day, or your hand will be forced by him as some impressed 20 year old will want to be the new Mrs and will get pregnant when he will be presenting you sheepishly with the ultimatum that he wants a divorce to be with the young woman in her prime.

You do need therapy - but about your miscarriages. When you’re in a happier place then decide what you want to do with your marriage.

Hopefully, you both realise that open marriages never work. And one random example of where it has worked, doesn’t justify the rest where it’s brought nothing but divorce and headache.

Good luck!

Zero evidence for that.

Thanks

I agree definitely depressed and I’ve been in touch with counsellors for DH and I to do sessions together and for myself too.

He has a vasectomy but I guess you can reverse them.

I haven’t said I’m unattractive? It’s okay for me to admit he’s attractive and looks better with age. He takes care of himself, eats well, cycles everywhere, swims, gyms, I’m the one that cuts his hair for him. I think for me I just spent a long time not really buying clothes or putting that sort of effort into myself in turn leading to me not feeling great. He hasn’t made me not feel great about myself it’s been the opposite. Just because I said he looks great with age, far better than the awkward 18 year old I met when we first met. Does not mean I think low of myself and do not think I look great too. I’ve taken care of myself too, swimming, cycling, gym we do this stuff together, lately I’ve just not been as motivated I still go gym and swim 3 or so times a week but we used to cycle. We cycled from Cornwall or Scotland, we’ve always done all that stuff but the last 2 years I’ve just been in a rut and now I want to get out of that rut.

Regardless of my experience I’ve never been against open marriages etc I think everyone’s marriage is different and everyone should do whatever they want in their marriages as long as they both consent to it. I’m not going to judge other people’s marriages. Maybe mine is doomed to fail we gave it a good go. Just a few years ago we were different people, we hadn’t gone through even half the stuff we’ve gone through the last 2 years. Experiences shape you, it’s our first time living and experiencing things we are bound to make mistakes. As long as our children turn out well and we both love them which we do. By the time they’re in their mid to late 20s and they’re well rounded boys I’ll consider that a success in our marriage. I don’t want to damage them and I hope we don’t and I hope they don’t suffer because of our mistakes as parents.

Do you not just end up in a "judgement" loop of doom where you start by judging other people for being judgemental, then you have to judge yourself for judging their judgmentalness, then judge yourself judging yourself for judging the original judgementalness? At best this is tiring, at worst it is likely to end up in some sort of infinite continuum that rends space and time...

😂

This is an utterly shocking thing to write and you should be ashamed. Reported. How can you write such awful things to her.

Same. Hopefully OP won’t see it.

I’m already down you don’t need to knock me down even more

Whoever that person is, they're not a nice woman.

Once your kids leave home and you’ve had therapy about your miscarriages, you will be more realistic about your husband who enjoys f####### women who aren’t you, but enjoys being married to a trophy wife. Wants your permission to sleep around so he doesn’t have to deal with guilt.

How thoroughly unpleasant & yet so prissy you cannot type fucking.

She's a troll chick. Look at her name.

You've done nothing wrong. In fact, your situation has reminded your husband what is actually of value to him. XX

@PyongyangKipperbang absolutely brilliant post. Laugh out loud to the bollard.Thank you.

I would advise you to leave this thread. Some people are being incredibly nasty and judgemental and of course on MN there is a significant number who will be determined to make your husband the evil villain.

I think you've been brave dealing with a difficult time and you've both tried something, probably got some positives out of it but it's done now. You go and have a great life with your handsome husband and kids not to mention your valuable and no doubt fulfilling life.

Can I ask - what is it that changed things for you, from going from “invisible” mum to someone who now has men wanting to sleep with you?

I am very much invisible mum. What did you do to change that perception? It’s not like you have a sign on your forehead that says “my marriage is open”

Op, having read some more of your updates I think therapy is the necessary next step.

Don’t listen to people saying you’ve ruined your marriage. You both tried something together and you’re both happy to stop and acknowledge it maybe wasn’t the best idea. I don’t see why you couldn’t both move past this. It’s not at all the same as cheating. But you do need to talk to someone (both of you, separately and/or together).

I haven’t voted as I’m not sure what the question here is.

For me I wouldn’t be happy if my husband asked to open up our marriage but you say you okay with it. He’s now decided he doesn’t want to continue for whatever reasons. Whether it is jealousy of thinking about you with other men or jealousy that you get attention or simply it’s not what he thought it would be and he’s simply “scratched that itch”.

You say you are happy to close the marriage again and stay in the marriage so what’s the problem? I personally would be concerned that the relationship either goes back to the way it was before you opened the marriage or one of you later down the line seeks sex again outside the marriage but doesn’t tell the other but if you confident that won’t happen and you know your marriage/husband/yourself better than anyone on here.

He recently said he met someone she seemed nice but left half way through the meal because he just wanted to see him and says that’s opened his eyes

What does this mean, sorry? She just wanted to see what he looked like or he wanted to see you?

I think it's quite sad that your husband hasn't built you up, and made your self esteem soar. He should have done that. I suspect that over the years he has chipped away at your confidence. The comment you made about you both being surprised that you would get any attention, is quite telling. He has intimated at some point, that he is more attractive than you. Prince Charming, he ain't. So, instead of him giving you a boost, the fact that random men want to have sex with you, is the one thing that has given you a bit of confidence.

But, what are we saying here? That random males give you validation? We only need to look at Bonnie Blue, to see that some men will do anything for sex. Or, what about the horrifically concerning case of Gisele Pelicot? Over 50 men were willing to have sex with a 70 year old, who was drugged and unconscious.

Do we, as women, really want to estimate our own self worth, on the basis of what men think, when we have seen, and continue to see, what they are capable of? Men will always take free sex where they can get it. It has no reflection on you, or your perceived "worth".

I'm sure you are a multi faceted woman, with a myriad of skills and positive qualities, and you don't need to be slobbered over by random horn dogs to prove anything. You are worth so much more. I wish you could see that.

I don't think that you will come out of this unscathed. Most women do develop attachments to men they are sleeping with. The harsh reality here though, is that the men won't. They will also be having sex with lots of other women. When they inevitably want to move on to the next conquest, and they start ghosting you after a few hook ups, you're going to feel like utter shit.

I would take a long hard look at your marriage, and why it's ended up like this. Like I said in my previous post, is this what you dreamt of when you were walking up the aisle?

You go on a "dating site", post a few pictures and a tagline of "Up for no strings/no commitment sex".

If you're a woman and have a pulse, you'll be inundated.

This makes it sound as though you've used having sex with other men as a distraction from grief, pain, and depression you should be working through, and to give you external validation to boost the low self-esteem that should really be fixed internally.

I'm not sure why you opened the marriage, honestly. You mentioned feeling like your sex life and relationship had fallen into a rut and become boring, but I don't know how having sex with other people was supposed to fix your relationship with him being mundane and boring.

And now you've mentioned you went into this very big change in your marriage and life off the back of several traumatic events that you haven't wanted to deal with, while going through a depressive episode, and your husband wanted to go to counselling initially rather than open things up?

It sounds to me like you've emotionally checked out, and you're engaging in avoidance tactics to avoid dealing with underlying issues.

That post had nothing to do with your situation, it wasn’t about you. I’m no trigger happy report everything poster, but I was shocked when I read that, I’m glad it is deleted. Please put it out of your mind. I’ve no idea why that poster decided to kick you like that, it didn’t even make sense, considering what you’ve said about your situation, it said nothing about you and everything about them,