AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

I think it might be difficult to go back. I think you need to have a proper conversation why wants to go back. If you don’t it will be in the background. What will it look like going back? Will you still be stuck with busy lives or do things like date nights etc? It sounds like you still have have affection for one another but is there still attraction?

I think men ask for it to be open because they aren't getting the quantity or quality of sex they want. So they think you don't want sex, they'll get it elsewhere. Only it turns out you do want it, with others - then he feels like actually it was him you didn't want, hurts his ego. I don't understand how anyone thinks it will help the relationship though, investing the little time that you have in a busy life in dating someone else rather than spending that time together working on your marriage.

If you read your original post you're asking what people think is the reason your husband wants to close the relationship after having spent a while both doing whatever with members of the opposite sex/no strings.

Of course people are going to be judgemental but you've gone all defensive and don't appear to like what people say - did you expect praise, a pat on the back and an encore?

Did you think others who do this would flood onto the thread to swap stories - I think you're in the wrong place.

I can think of better ways to put some excitement back into your marriage that wouldn't end up with the pair of you in therapy. Are you making a TV documentary to share your journey and where it ends?

Have you thought about adding a photo of yourselves so we can see what the goods look like.

Honestly, it's not for me, I've gladly passed on my exes for a lot less than suggesting this idea to me, it makes me cringe.

Ick, ick, ick

There is s lot of judgement here, especially from those dressing their words up as somehow supportive. Not all of course.

In a way it sounds like opening the marriage did work- as a catalyst - it unstuck something, you are both seeing each other with refreshed eyes, and you're now both ready to try some counselling together.

By the way, I voted yabu by mistake!

Even if you both underestimated your current attractiveness, you're both up to speed on that now! It's not a bad starting point for this next leg of your relationship.

To address some of your comments since your first post...

You asked this, OP: AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

This immediately paints your DH in a negative light - you're saying that you believe that your DH is upset that you are enjoying yourself in an open relationship - ergo, that he expected and wanted for you not to enjoy yourself. What kind of man wants that? Not a nice one.

You say: "I was still pretty shocked [...] he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking [...] Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us [...]"

So this was something that you've framed as him bringing up, that you took time to decide to agree to - you didn't immediately jump on it with an eager enthusiasm. This makes it seem as though it was him driving it, and you finally deciding to give it a go.

"What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention."

Like pp, I find it hard to believe that people in their forties, who are 'open-minded' and know people who have had open relationships (your aunt and her husband), would be surprised. To be blunt, unless you're deformed, dog ugly, or a centenarian, pussy is always going to pull. If you've got a vagina and you're ordinary-looking, then there will be men interested in dipping their wicks - the fact that you're looking for no-strings-attached just makes you more appealing. This 'surprise' at your desirability makes me think that either your DH has made you feel worthless, or you're being in genuine.

In regards to pp bringing up your children...there is a very real possibility that your children might find out - they could overhear a conversation between you and your DH, that (if you're telling close friends) rumours might get around, that they might look at your phone when a notification comes up, or god forbid that someone they know through school (or a relative of a friend) has you come up on their dating app, or even that a lover might somehow track you down and turn up on your doorstep.

There are many ways that they could find out that mum and dad have been banging other people, and they most likely will not take that well. Are you prepared to deal with that?

Lastly, I'm not sure why you made this post painting your DH in a poor light, expressing annoyance over closing the marriage, and asking, "AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?" when you have since defended him at every point and said you're happy to close the marriage.

There's some real dissonance on your part here. Are you happy, believing the best of him, and content to close the marriage? Or are you suspicious he wanted to have fun while you remained alone, and resentful that he seems to want to curtail your enjoyment?

I think you need to figure out how you feel, OP, and what you believe his motivations really were, because you seem very muddled.

But men often suggest them. And then often do not like the fact their female partner enjoys more attention than they expect. Because they think of themselves first and foremost. Their needs, their sex drives.

I personally believe the men who usually suggest them have someone lined up that they’d like to sleep with, as others have suggested, I also think this -

that they are under the false impression that their wives/partners don’t have an equally high sex drive or even interest in sex, bc their sex life with them is in their eyes lacking. They never stop to think why this might be, as that would involve some self reflection and the possibility that their OH’s lack of high sex drive is down to exhaustion - responsible for majority of housework, childcare, invisible load, a job - and the fact that they may very well be turned off by their husbands due to poor hygiene, lack of personal care, being forced to take on the role of caregiver to an extra (man)child, understandable resentment towards this - all this adds up to a woman who won’t be thrilled at the prospect of sex…..

…… with THEM.

It’s amazing the coincidence that when these women find themselves single, or in an open relationship, their sex drive magically returns at a rate of knots and they couldn’t be happier. Their (ex) partners and husbands are genuinely left scratching their heads.

100% agree. This.

Although you said he didn’t force you into an open relationship, OP, he was the one who ultimately suggested it and I think you went along with it because you love and wanted to please him. Now he is complaining at texts and showing signs of jealousy you are going along with his request (decision) to close it.

It’s all about what he wants and his decisions and you are accommodating him each time.

Did it not bother you at all, the thought of him pursuing, flirting and having sex with these other women? Men can have sex with a lot of women with no strings, but for a woman to have random sex with a man, especially a married man, open relationship not withstanding, is more unusual. It obviously happens, ONS among young ppl are fairly common, but not among mid-late 30s up. These women usually require a little more than a chat up line in a bar. Were they much younger than you or was he on specific dating sites targeted at this situation?

I think this would be the ideal set up for most men

You asked for different perspectives and people gave you a lot of different perspectives. You don’t like some of them but they are indeed different from yours.

It's part of the problem.

It's all part of a big familial lie.

I don’t really get why you’re getting such a hard time from people.

I have known a few friends over the years in open marriages or relationships. It works for some people and it doesn’t for others.

You have both tried it and really I think you need to decide if you want to close it rather than it just being a decision for DH. Understanding why he wants to close it would help.

I think some couples counselling would be good though, I think it would be helpful in the majority of marriages!

And I don’t think you’re lying or causing any family damage by not telling your kids… there’s plenty of stuff I might do without telling my kids, like what me and my friends talk about in a night out. Not suitable and why would they need to know?!

Not sure what you actually want from this thread OP because you seem to change the narrative with each post. Maybe go back and read your first post. Be honest with yourself. I very much doubt he just woke up one day and thought lets open up this marriage, he likely had someone in mind at that point I'm sure.

You don’t need to say sorry at the end Yeah you are probably right. Maybe it’ll end in divorce for us. I’m not married to my husband for money I am not a materialistic person at all, I can survive without him. Ie -I had/have my own house before we got married. I rent out now but it’s still my own house that I paid for myself no mortgage left on it. I had things before him. I’m

Our relationship was on and off because we were 18, we met on the first day of university barely adults I didn’t know how to ‘keep’ a relationship at that age. I was interested in focussing on my studies. My degree was quite a long time then after that I wanted to use my degree around Europe. Maybe I’m silly but in my late teens and early 20s last thing I cared about was my boys. I just wanted to focus on medicine. Life gets to you and 18 yr old me wanted to do anything and everything, time zones and long distance in our early 20s we couldn’t handle that and maybe that’s a failure in our relationship but I can’t go back to my younger self and tell her that I’ve failed at marriage. I’m happy with the choices I made, when my children are in their late teens early 20s I will tell them to go out there and live life, go travel, go do anything they want we will support pretty much anything they want to do within reason of course but if my son tells me he wants to go live in Australia at 18, I’ll say yes, I worked on a farm in Australia I did all sorts of things. I will never limit them, we have saved money to gift both of them at 18 and then 25 to go live life I’ve had a great life experience and I would make the same choices again and again to be honest I don’t regret any of it.

I am not meeting my children’s friends parents, I am not going out every week to sleep with men it’s not like that at all. I don’t think my children have ever been in the house or the country when I’ve gone out. It’s out of the norm yes but you don’t need to shame me.

I think there’s a lot of shaming and judgement in your response you’re not interested in offering any perspective just to shame me. Maybe I’m just silly to try in a marriage that’s already failed but alas I’m 43 I tried we’ve tried and made mistakes but our children will always have parents who deep down do love them. End of the day we are human we are both far from perfect but for our children we try and they won’t miss out on anything because of our mistakes in our marriage.

You are right we are selfish individuals it’s probably why our marriage has gotten to this stage. Hopefully children do better than us and we haven’t failed them too much.

We’d talked about it before

Maybe he did have someone in mind we’ve also talked about attraction to others not fading just because you’re married.

What you see as judgement, I just see as commonsense. For intelligent people you don't seem to have thought of the :what ifs? ' For every person who thinks it's enhanced the relationship there will be others who are now divorced. Despite the fact that you won't suffer financially if that happens, it's quite a price to pay for a quick shag. There are lots of blokes who are turned on by thinking of their wives / partners having sex with another man. Keeping it as a fantasy is one thing, but acting on it often causes problems. Once the genie is out of the bottle, you can't put it back in. It's unlikely to be the same relationship after. It's like you having an open marriage, the reality isn't what you both thought. Now you have to deal with the consequences.

Attraction does fade towards other people just because you’re married. Actually, I’ll rephrase that acting on that attraction fades when you’re married.
We’re not all deaf, dumb and blind. But we wouldn’t go beyond the thinking stage.

He wanted to try counselling before any of this. I’d have multiple miscarriages and just shut down for everything my mental health was very bad during that point. I did not want to talk about my feelings it’s quite hard talking about loss and it was a new feeling for me. I was hurt. I had a lot going on I refused to even take time off work because I thought that will help me feel a bit better, distract me which it did in a way.

He definitely has seemed bitter, maybe I’ve been distracted a little bit but I don’t want anyone else he knows that but I think this was new territory for us. I don’t regret trying. I guess maybe I’m selfish. Feeling good about myself, I forgot to put effort into myself, never buying new clothes for myself in almost 10 years. I wasn’t insecure I just didn’t try and then the last few years I’ve gone through a bit of a depressive episode. I haven’t seen a gp about it or anything and that was my decision DH had tried plenty of times to get me to let a professional know that I have been struggling mentally but I wanted to just figure it all out by myself.

My experience of medics is that that’s fairly typical on paper, intelligent. In the real world. They can’t tie their own shoelaces.

Ignore the judgement. It seems to me from your initial post that maybe it’s not the sex part your DH found hard but you having a relationship with other men. He was just after casual sex whereas you were messaging these men and forming casual relationships. This had him worrying that your relationship would suffer if you had feelings for someone else. Makes sense to close the relationship if he is genuinely concerned it could go badly and he values your marriage more than the casual sex he was getting. But you never answered my previous question. Were you ever jealous? I couldn’t have handled the jealousy of knowing my DH was sleeping with other women.

That’s true

I do not understand what the harm is in trying ? Maybe it fails we bough will realise and make a decision of that. I don’t particularly want to be divorced but also I have a life outside marriage. I’ve gone through quite traumatic situations in the last couple of years I think I can survive a divorce if it ever got to that stage.

I agree

So... you're not happy with the open marriage now either?

I agree with this. He thought you wouldn’t actually be up for dating others so this agreement would just be him fucking around and you staying at home with the kids. Now you’ve actually got involved, he’s regretting the decision and wants the agreement to end. It likely is affecting his ego because he can see how much happier the other men are making you…

I think your marriage is dead and it was dead as soon as you both agreed to openly screw others.

So OP, if your DH hadn’t asked to close your marriage again, would you have been happy continuing to sleep with other men - presumably yes?

How you feel about the fact your DH slept with other women - quite a few of them by the sounds of things?

And how do you feel about the fact that you were bored in your relationship, found a way to have some fun in your life, and now have to revert to a marriage that was stuck in a bit of a rut?

On this post you’ve talked about your DH’s feelings and wishes a lot but you haven’t mentioned yours other than to insist you’re very open-minded and that you didn’t need to be badgered into it. How are you feeling about all of this now?