AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

I’m glad you said that because it’s what I’m thinking. Just no

I’m missing the point of the thread entirely but how does this work? You have secondary aged kids - what are you telling them about where you are going, how do you meet these men? It all sounds like a lot of hard work and a bit grim - wouldn’t it just be easier to be divorced?

Why are you jumping to the fact that it's only because you're enjoying it that he's suddenly got a problem with it?

Maybe he thought it was something that you'd both dabble in occasionally, and it's turning out to be more frequent than he thought.

Maybe he thought he could cope with the jealousy, but it's turned out he finds that harder than expected.

Maybe it turns out he just doesn't enjoy sex with randoms as much as he thought he would, and he misses it just being the two of you.

In theory, I'd be open to an open relationship. I've absolutely no idea if I'd like the reality until I tried it though. So I'd never actually agree to one unless we agreed on a no questions asked get out clause. The only way it would work for me is if either one of us could say "Nope, don't like this, lets go back to being monogamous" and the other would agree unhesitantly.

At this point, you need to have a proper chat with your husband. Find out what exactly his issue is, whether he wants to close the relationship completely or just modify the terms a bit. And then you need to decide whether those terms are acceptable to you, or whether its time to knock the marriage on the head.

Opening a marriage like this is never going to end well, in my honest opinion. I’ve known couples who went down this road and they are now divorced.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

I don't think these things are mutually exclusive. Obviously one of the main risks of an open marriage is that the relationship is harmed by jealousy.

A open marriage only works if you both want it. He's not happy, so you either go back to being monogamous or you split up. I'm sure you're right that he didn't foresee how he would feel about you sleeping around, but that doesn't change the basic fact that both partners need to agree.

I do think that when men suggest this, they often fail to consider that single 30/40-something men are often happy to have just a light relationship/just sex with women, but often single women in their 30s & 40s are looking for a full relationship. As such, a couple who open their marriage often find that the wife is able to find lots of single men who are just looking for sex/dates they are happy to go nowhere, but the husband finds few single women who want this.

It’s not like the dating market if you are single, being someone’s “fuck buddy” is much more attractive proposition for men than it is for women.

Or OP he may well have struggled if you’d just found one man.

I don’t think you can insist on the marriage staying open, it’s going to have to be something you both want.

I’m guessing He fucked around and he found out!

Ive yet to meet a couple who open a long established marriage where the man believes his wife will get the level of attention she does and who is ok with that in the long term.

What one pal told me was that he got bored in his relationship and assumed it meant his wife just wasn’t attractive to anyone anymore and it that was a universal rather than just his familiarity with he. He was very surprised when she was out dating and he got very little interest. He assumed no one else would fancy her because he didn’t get the fireworks anymore. It would seem this is really common OP.

my pals relationship didn’t survive because of his attitude but it took counselling for them to work thar out and he owns it and he does regret opening his marriage. His now ex wife is having a ball as a single woman.

You need to understand your husbands reasons for wanting to close it now. Has he had his ethical affair and now wants to go back to how it was before? I’d put money on his initial decision to open being a route to ethical non monogamy and now he’s had his fun you have to stop too.

It's pretty common op.

This.

Oh and OP- it could well be about protecting the marriage, listen to him, is he saying he struggles with not falling for the women he’s dating ? He could well have realised he’s a risk of breaking your rules and boundaries, having a full second relationship that he is tempted to make his primary relationship.

If he is struggling with separating sex and love, it’s definitely right to say to protect the marriage he needs to only have one partner.

More like he thought you’d be at home pining for him whilst he’s been given the green light to cheat. Then realises his wife’s having a better time of it. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Sounds messy though. Don’t think your marriage is going to last much longer.

I guess it’s not for everyone.

I went on a dating site just to see if I’d get anyone interested and I did and one thing leads to another. Just like how you’d meet any many but instead I am married I do tell them that I’m married and in an open marriage.

Fuck around n find out fella...also he wont close his side only yours

Another classic.

Both things are true - he's jealous and put out that you are enjoying yourself and not just sitting home waiting for him while he sleeps around.
But also, to protect your marriage you might need to close it. Even though that's not 'fair'.

My first thought was how are they doing this! I can't find any time to shag DH now that kids are older and don't go to bed!

Leaving the sex aside, I wonder if it its the "courting" of others that his is finding difficult? It is one thing accepting that you partner might have sex with someone else should the situation arise and another to have them sat next to you perusing another person.

How much have you spoken about the ground rules since you opened up the relationship? I wouldn't really see this as a onetime conversation but one that is ongoing so that you can both stay on the same page with how the reality matches up with what you had in mind when you started this.

Does it matter why he wants to close now? The fact it, he has realised an open marriage is not for him. What do you want to do about that (regardless of why)?

The thing is there will always be men willing to have sex with an available woman who isn't looking for a relationship. But probably fewer women wanting to have sex with an available but not looking for a relationship man. So his choice of (nice) partners is probably pretty small, he may have had one or two women in mind when the marriage was opened and he may or may not have managed to get together with them, but they probably quickly lost interest when they discovered he had no intention of leaving his wife and forming a real relationship with them. For the op the men just keep coming, why wouldn't they?

None of it really sounds like much fun, picking up women and being used by men.

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I think this is quite often how the reality of an open relationship turns out - seems great in theory, but the reality not so good. Surpring how it often turns out that it's men who get more emotional about extramarital sex, and women are usually very good at keeping the sex and feelings separate. Total opposite of what we're led to believe.

But yes, he's saying he wants to end the openness, so I think that's completely reasonable. Just like if someone changes their mind half way through sex itself. If you can't handle not having other sexual partners then you can always end the marriage (and it sounds like it was already partly broken and why you opened it up in the first place).

It's so seedy, especially with teenage children or children of any age. Why even bother staying married. Perhaps if people in open marriages put all the time and effort they spend on dating sites, going on dates, shagging random people, thinking about other people, into their actual marriage and spouse, they might not feel the need to look elsewhere.

This is so depraved and dirty. All this 'openness and honesty' bullshit. At least people who have discreet affairs still are aware what is right and what is wrong, I suppose, but this - like dogs in the park.

From your opening post:

...And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

Sounds like this was the time to stop the open relationship and start working on your marriage.

Sorry but there’s so much wrong with your message. I LOVE that you are enjoying it too, but why was it going to be so unequal to begin with? Why was he allowed to do it more than you? Why did he expect you to not get attention? I’d fucking HATE him just for that! What does that say about what he thinks of you?
why would you just dabble while he filled his boots? Yuck.
Women in their 40s are attractive as hell, when I hit 40 and for this decade so far I’ve had far more attention and sex than I’ve ever had. Men love the confidence, experience, how we look. I think you felt invisible because of him.

It feels rather sad to me that your self confidence is tied up with being attractive to men who are looking for sex outside a relationship.