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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

503 replies

RosePoett · 27/05/2026 13:04

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

OP posts:
Notsosweetcaroline · 28/05/2026 10:10

DefinitelyDana · 28/05/2026 09:13

Can I ask - what is it that changed things for you, from going from “invisible” mum to someone who now has men wanting to sleep with you?

I am very much invisible mum. What did you do to change that perception? It’s not like you have a sign on your forehead that says “my marriage is open”

You go on a dating site say you’re in an open marriage and looking for some fun or whatever. You will have them queuing up. They will not be however princes amongst men. They will be men thinking they can get laid and don’t have to pay for the privalge.

Original poster
RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:12

Blondiebeachbabe · 28/05/2026 09:30

I think it's quite sad that your husband hasn't built you up, and made your self esteem soar. He should have done that. I suspect that over the years he has chipped away at your confidence. The comment you made about you both being surprised that you would get any attention, is quite telling. He has intimated at some point, that he is more attractive than you. Prince Charming, he ain't. So, instead of him giving you a boost, the fact that random men want to have sex with you, is the one thing that has given you a bit of confidence.

But, what are we saying here? That random males give you validation? We only need to look at Bonnie Blue, to see that some men will do anything for sex. Or, what about the horrifically concerning case of Gisele Pelicot? Over 50 men were willing to have sex with a 70 year old, who was drugged and unconscious.

Do we, as women, really want to estimate our own self worth, on the basis of what men think, when we have seen, and continue to see, what they are capable of? Men will always take free sex where they can get it. It has no reflection on you, or your perceived "worth".

I'm sure you are a multi faceted woman, with a myriad of skills and positive qualities, and you don't need to be slobbered over by random horn dogs to prove anything. You are worth so much more. I wish you could see that.

I don't think that you will come out of this unscathed. Most women do develop attachments to men they are sleeping with. The harsh reality here though, is that the men won't. They will also be having sex with lots of other women. When they inevitably want to move on to the next conquest, and they start ghosting you after a few hook ups, you're going to feel like utter shit.

I would take a long hard look at your marriage, and why it's ended up like this. Like I said in my previous post, is this what you dreamt of when you were walking up the aisle?

I think it’s a me problem in regards to my self esteem. He hasn’t chipped at my confidence, he’s always uplifted me for the 25 years I have known him he’s always made me feel very confident. I lost myself the last 2 years after miscarriages and then death of a family member where I was the executor of their estate which was chaos to be honest.

DH and I went from 16 or let’s say 25 years. I’ve known him since the first day of university. We liked each other from the moment we met life was busy we were both pursuing medicine. He was far more ambitious than I ever was a lot of the amazing things I have done I couldn’t have achieved without his support if I’m being honest. A prentice died during my 3rd year of my medicine degree I wanted to drop out I thought I would drop out, DH would come and just sit in silence with me I didn’t want to do anything it was a very rough time. We were young barely 21 I was still 20 at that point. Same with when I finished my degree I was scared to go volunteer in Eastern Europe he told me I should go I will regret it if I don’t. I was so nervous but the support I had from him and friends and family members are what helped me. I now speak multiple languages because of that experience. I have letters he sent me during that time whilst he was in South America volunteering. I didn’t marry the wrong man. Yes we were on and off from ages of 18 but that’s because we wanted to also go volunteer and do other stuff. I wanted to be a good doctor and get experience in other countries. I wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t helped me realise my strength.I’ve been judged here for being on and off. We met at 18 years old of course we were going to be on and off not many relationships last at that age. I’m glad we were on and off we both went and did our own things, experiences that have shaped us for life.

Before my miscarriages we spent years going cycling in multiple countries, we’ve always done that, we took our children ‘bike packing’ across Spain we have done that pretty much every year since they were 4 or so years old. Now they can cycle he takes them. I’ve been in a rut for a while. Depressed to be honest. Not because of him, this is a me issue. He had tried to help, he got me a counsellor 2 years ago I said no I didn’t want to talk about my feelings that’s on me. I was being stubborn.

I 100% agree most women do form attachments. I haven’t as of yet I want my husband that’s who my attachment is with. Defiantly not what I dreamed of when we got married, life has happened I can’t spend the rest of it dwelling on our mistakes. We can try and rectify it and see how far we get with that if not then that’s a shame but I think we will both be fine. I’ve never doubted his love for me never not trusted him.

My worth isn’t based on men it’s based on how I see myself or how I’ve perceived myself. I have not done anything for myself in a long long time, not even bought a new outfit for myself in 10 years. Every new outfit I have had or makeup has been gifted. I haven’t gone out of my way to go to Zara etc and buy a new outfit. I just haven’t felt like it. DH always recommends I go on a day out and buy myself something nice I refused. I’ve hated the sight of myself since having a miscarriage that’s on me that’s not on him he has tried to support me. You can only help someone so much, sometimes they have to want the help to be helped.

Im basing it all on me and my perception of myself. Men will like anything I know that.

I am dyslexic so that might have affected how I phrased things. He wasn’t surprised as in “eww who would want you” he was surprised at men in general I didn’t like any of the men on the dating app they just liked me I never initiated any conversation with any of them. It’s been quite the sociological experiment. I have never messaged a man first. As a woman you can go on any dating site and be enamoured by hundreds of likes without even doing much. These men don’t know anything about me, they probably do not care, they don’t care about my achievements, whether I’m funny, what my interests are or anything. They just see a woman. That’s what he was surprised at. It was just interesting if I am to take anything from this, it is that most men will like anything you don’t even need to say anything. It’s made me disgusted. I didn’t put anything personal really about myself, anyone that I met didn’t even know that I am a doctor the most they knew was that I am married, we are in a rut and are willing to try an open marriage. I didn’t tell any of them personal things yet they were still wanting to message. Somewhat radicalised me.

In my early years I was not focused on men at all. I never took any notice of men. Have countless letters still in my childhood home from boys and I just ignored them. All through school as I went to a girls school and there was a boys school near us that we did dances with etc there was a rumour that I was a lesbian because I just was not interested in any of them never really had a crush till I got to university. I spent majority of my childhood surrounded by women who were very intelligent and I wanted to be like them. I think that’s where my insecurity stems from I probably became too ambitious and lost sight of everything else. To the point my mother once said to me at 25 ‘a career isn’t everything and sometimes you’re too ambitious just ket loose a little’ not verbatim but something along those lines.

I have a grown up in an environment where everything was very ambitious and that’s all I’ve ever focused on. That’s all that my worth has been based on sadly and I’m willing to work on it maybe in your 40s it’s too late but I’m willing to try.

I digress. To answer your question no this is not what I wanted for my marriage to be like. It’s quite an obvious answer. I’m down and quite depressed I’d say. Everyone goes through moments in life, I’ve had a somewhat easy privileged life till my 40s but I have the rest of my life. I’m not going to dwell on it I want to work on my mental health and try with my marriage nothing wrong with wanting to try. Maybe it’ll work maybe it won’t.

OP posts:
Funiculus · 28/05/2026 10:13

@ThatCyanCat

I think men who suggest this often do it so that they can sleep around with impunity, guilt free, and don't really think that their wives can do the same. Like your husband, they often imagine that they'll be the total playboy but the wife will just naturally self censor and not have much action

This. He's a typical arrogant man, suggesting a plan that in his mind, would enable him to have loads of sex whenever he chose without moral consequence and that you might not really embrace it or have much interest/act on it yourself.

Newsflash - Back in the real world, you, his wife, are very much of interest to other men and contrary to his assumptions, have attracted people who want to have sex with you. It's challenged his deeply ingrained misogynistic viewpoint and not only that, but he feels like he's losing control. So he's now desperately trying to backpaddle - silly boy - because he entered into an agreement that he thought would primarily benefit him, not you, and he was thinking with his cock, not his heart, which is now at real risk of being bruised. His motivation behind suggesting you open up your relationship was purely for self-gain methinks and therefore I would have total disdain for any attempt he makes to limit your freedom.

WeatherOrNothing · 28/05/2026 10:18

I can’t imagine going on a date and looking my kids in the face without feeling ick. I think you both were just crazy to do it in the first place

Worktillate · 28/05/2026 10:30

I'll be honest, I really don't get this as a concept.

Surely, at the point that you determine that it's beneficial/appealing/whatever to be shagging around then the relationship is done?? You don't really want each other anymore but life admin and kids are keeping you together? It's just easier to stay together than ripping off the plaster and say that you have grown apart?

Truth is, the majority (possibly not all) of relationships will hit the skids once the relationship is opened unless the partners already don't give a toss what the person they're supposed to love and cherish are off doing in which case why are they together anyway?

LeedsLoiner · 28/05/2026 10:31

Funiculus · 28/05/2026 10:13

@ThatCyanCat

I think men who suggest this often do it so that they can sleep around with impunity, guilt free, and don't really think that their wives can do the same. Like your husband, they often imagine that they'll be the total playboy but the wife will just naturally self censor and not have much action

This. He's a typical arrogant man, suggesting a plan that in his mind, would enable him to have loads of sex whenever he chose without moral consequence and that you might not really embrace it or have much interest/act on it yourself.

Newsflash - Back in the real world, you, his wife, are very much of interest to other men and contrary to his assumptions, have attracted people who want to have sex with you. It's challenged his deeply ingrained misogynistic viewpoint and not only that, but he feels like he's losing control. So he's now desperately trying to backpaddle - silly boy - because he entered into an agreement that he thought would primarily benefit him, not you, and he was thinking with his cock, not his heart, which is now at real risk of being bruised. His motivation behind suggesting you open up your relationship was purely for self-gain methinks and therefore I would have total disdain for any attempt he makes to limit your freedom.

As long as she's aware that she's attracting men who want to have no strings sex with her (and presumably with any other woman who's "up for it" at the same time), and not men who (might) want to have any form of relationship with her...

Feis123 · 28/05/2026 10:33

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:12

I think it’s a me problem in regards to my self esteem. He hasn’t chipped at my confidence, he’s always uplifted me for the 25 years I have known him he’s always made me feel very confident. I lost myself the last 2 years after miscarriages and then death of a family member where I was the executor of their estate which was chaos to be honest.

DH and I went from 16 or let’s say 25 years. I’ve known him since the first day of university. We liked each other from the moment we met life was busy we were both pursuing medicine. He was far more ambitious than I ever was a lot of the amazing things I have done I couldn’t have achieved without his support if I’m being honest. A prentice died during my 3rd year of my medicine degree I wanted to drop out I thought I would drop out, DH would come and just sit in silence with me I didn’t want to do anything it was a very rough time. We were young barely 21 I was still 20 at that point. Same with when I finished my degree I was scared to go volunteer in Eastern Europe he told me I should go I will regret it if I don’t. I was so nervous but the support I had from him and friends and family members are what helped me. I now speak multiple languages because of that experience. I have letters he sent me during that time whilst he was in South America volunteering. I didn’t marry the wrong man. Yes we were on and off from ages of 18 but that’s because we wanted to also go volunteer and do other stuff. I wanted to be a good doctor and get experience in other countries. I wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t helped me realise my strength.I’ve been judged here for being on and off. We met at 18 years old of course we were going to be on and off not many relationships last at that age. I’m glad we were on and off we both went and did our own things, experiences that have shaped us for life.

Before my miscarriages we spent years going cycling in multiple countries, we’ve always done that, we took our children ‘bike packing’ across Spain we have done that pretty much every year since they were 4 or so years old. Now they can cycle he takes them. I’ve been in a rut for a while. Depressed to be honest. Not because of him, this is a me issue. He had tried to help, he got me a counsellor 2 years ago I said no I didn’t want to talk about my feelings that’s on me. I was being stubborn.

I 100% agree most women do form attachments. I haven’t as of yet I want my husband that’s who my attachment is with. Defiantly not what I dreamed of when we got married, life has happened I can’t spend the rest of it dwelling on our mistakes. We can try and rectify it and see how far we get with that if not then that’s a shame but I think we will both be fine. I’ve never doubted his love for me never not trusted him.

My worth isn’t based on men it’s based on how I see myself or how I’ve perceived myself. I have not done anything for myself in a long long time, not even bought a new outfit for myself in 10 years. Every new outfit I have had or makeup has been gifted. I haven’t gone out of my way to go to Zara etc and buy a new outfit. I just haven’t felt like it. DH always recommends I go on a day out and buy myself something nice I refused. I’ve hated the sight of myself since having a miscarriage that’s on me that’s not on him he has tried to support me. You can only help someone so much, sometimes they have to want the help to be helped.

Im basing it all on me and my perception of myself. Men will like anything I know that.

I am dyslexic so that might have affected how I phrased things. He wasn’t surprised as in “eww who would want you” he was surprised at men in general I didn’t like any of the men on the dating app they just liked me I never initiated any conversation with any of them. It’s been quite the sociological experiment. I have never messaged a man first. As a woman you can go on any dating site and be enamoured by hundreds of likes without even doing much. These men don’t know anything about me, they probably do not care, they don’t care about my achievements, whether I’m funny, what my interests are or anything. They just see a woman. That’s what he was surprised at. It was just interesting if I am to take anything from this, it is that most men will like anything you don’t even need to say anything. It’s made me disgusted. I didn’t put anything personal really about myself, anyone that I met didn’t even know that I am a doctor the most they knew was that I am married, we are in a rut and are willing to try an open marriage. I didn’t tell any of them personal things yet they were still wanting to message. Somewhat radicalised me.

In my early years I was not focused on men at all. I never took any notice of men. Have countless letters still in my childhood home from boys and I just ignored them. All through school as I went to a girls school and there was a boys school near us that we did dances with etc there was a rumour that I was a lesbian because I just was not interested in any of them never really had a crush till I got to university. I spent majority of my childhood surrounded by women who were very intelligent and I wanted to be like them. I think that’s where my insecurity stems from I probably became too ambitious and lost sight of everything else. To the point my mother once said to me at 25 ‘a career isn’t everything and sometimes you’re too ambitious just ket loose a little’ not verbatim but something along those lines.

I have a grown up in an environment where everything was very ambitious and that’s all I’ve ever focused on. That’s all that my worth has been based on sadly and I’m willing to work on it maybe in your 40s it’s too late but I’m willing to try.

I digress. To answer your question no this is not what I wanted for my marriage to be like. It’s quite an obvious answer. I’m down and quite depressed I’d say. Everyone goes through moments in life, I’ve had a somewhat easy privileged life till my 40s but I have the rest of my life. I’m not going to dwell on it I want to work on my mental health and try with my marriage nothing wrong with wanting to try. Maybe it’ll work maybe it won’t.

Show quote history

Now I know why we can't get a GP appointment - doctors and their doctor-wives are far too busy doing other things and thinking of other things. Makes sense. All of it. As Blackadder said, 'the fish started knitting'.

ConfusedSoShutUp · 28/05/2026 10:34

@RosePoett I think you need to step away from this thread. It has turned into a type of therapy/counselling board for you. Which is, in someways hugely useful as admitting to yourself you need to tackle some stuff.

But MNetters are not therapists. Many of them far from it (can be more like terriers trying to get an OP to agree to their viewpoint).

To save you from potentially harmful advice, shut this down and seek qualified help. Flowers

LeedsLoiner · 28/05/2026 10:35

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:12

I think it’s a me problem in regards to my self esteem. He hasn’t chipped at my confidence, he’s always uplifted me for the 25 years I have known him he’s always made me feel very confident. I lost myself the last 2 years after miscarriages and then death of a family member where I was the executor of their estate which was chaos to be honest.

DH and I went from 16 or let’s say 25 years. I’ve known him since the first day of university. We liked each other from the moment we met life was busy we were both pursuing medicine. He was far more ambitious than I ever was a lot of the amazing things I have done I couldn’t have achieved without his support if I’m being honest. A prentice died during my 3rd year of my medicine degree I wanted to drop out I thought I would drop out, DH would come and just sit in silence with me I didn’t want to do anything it was a very rough time. We were young barely 21 I was still 20 at that point. Same with when I finished my degree I was scared to go volunteer in Eastern Europe he told me I should go I will regret it if I don’t. I was so nervous but the support I had from him and friends and family members are what helped me. I now speak multiple languages because of that experience. I have letters he sent me during that time whilst he was in South America volunteering. I didn’t marry the wrong man. Yes we were on and off from ages of 18 but that’s because we wanted to also go volunteer and do other stuff. I wanted to be a good doctor and get experience in other countries. I wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t helped me realise my strength.I’ve been judged here for being on and off. We met at 18 years old of course we were going to be on and off not many relationships last at that age. I’m glad we were on and off we both went and did our own things, experiences that have shaped us for life.

Before my miscarriages we spent years going cycling in multiple countries, we’ve always done that, we took our children ‘bike packing’ across Spain we have done that pretty much every year since they were 4 or so years old. Now they can cycle he takes them. I’ve been in a rut for a while. Depressed to be honest. Not because of him, this is a me issue. He had tried to help, he got me a counsellor 2 years ago I said no I didn’t want to talk about my feelings that’s on me. I was being stubborn.

I 100% agree most women do form attachments. I haven’t as of yet I want my husband that’s who my attachment is with. Defiantly not what I dreamed of when we got married, life has happened I can’t spend the rest of it dwelling on our mistakes. We can try and rectify it and see how far we get with that if not then that’s a shame but I think we will both be fine. I’ve never doubted his love for me never not trusted him.

My worth isn’t based on men it’s based on how I see myself or how I’ve perceived myself. I have not done anything for myself in a long long time, not even bought a new outfit for myself in 10 years. Every new outfit I have had or makeup has been gifted. I haven’t gone out of my way to go to Zara etc and buy a new outfit. I just haven’t felt like it. DH always recommends I go on a day out and buy myself something nice I refused. I’ve hated the sight of myself since having a miscarriage that’s on me that’s not on him he has tried to support me. You can only help someone so much, sometimes they have to want the help to be helped.

Im basing it all on me and my perception of myself. Men will like anything I know that.

I am dyslexic so that might have affected how I phrased things. He wasn’t surprised as in “eww who would want you” he was surprised at men in general I didn’t like any of the men on the dating app they just liked me I never initiated any conversation with any of them. It’s been quite the sociological experiment. I have never messaged a man first. As a woman you can go on any dating site and be enamoured by hundreds of likes without even doing much. These men don’t know anything about me, they probably do not care, they don’t care about my achievements, whether I’m funny, what my interests are or anything. They just see a woman. That’s what he was surprised at. It was just interesting if I am to take anything from this, it is that most men will like anything you don’t even need to say anything. It’s made me disgusted. I didn’t put anything personal really about myself, anyone that I met didn’t even know that I am a doctor the most they knew was that I am married, we are in a rut and are willing to try an open marriage. I didn’t tell any of them personal things yet they were still wanting to message. Somewhat radicalised me.

In my early years I was not focused on men at all. I never took any notice of men. Have countless letters still in my childhood home from boys and I just ignored them. All through school as I went to a girls school and there was a boys school near us that we did dances with etc there was a rumour that I was a lesbian because I just was not interested in any of them never really had a crush till I got to university. I spent majority of my childhood surrounded by women who were very intelligent and I wanted to be like them. I think that’s where my insecurity stems from I probably became too ambitious and lost sight of everything else. To the point my mother once said to me at 25 ‘a career isn’t everything and sometimes you’re too ambitious just ket loose a little’ not verbatim but something along those lines.

I have a grown up in an environment where everything was very ambitious and that’s all I’ve ever focused on. That’s all that my worth has been based on sadly and I’m willing to work on it maybe in your 40s it’s too late but I’m willing to try.

I digress. To answer your question no this is not what I wanted for my marriage to be like. It’s quite an obvious answer. I’m down and quite depressed I’d say. Everyone goes through moments in life, I’ve had a somewhat easy privileged life till my 40s but I have the rest of my life. I’m not going to dwell on it I want to work on my mental health and try with my marriage nothing wrong with wanting to try. Maybe it’ll work maybe it won’t.

Show quote history

I'll be honest I think the issues you and your husband have are not going to be resolved in an internet forum by some random people...
You both need professional help.

Freshstartyear25 · 28/05/2026 10:35

Honestly, I know you’ll think that isn’t helping but the fact that men are lining up to shag you now has nothing to do with you being attractive or not. You’re simply available for a quick no strings attached sex and those men are just taking advantage of that. Some of them would pay money to sleep with a woman, so why then won’t they take it for free when you’re offering it. I can’t honestly believe that you felt you won’t see anyone who wants to sleep with you, that’s exactly what those men want, free, pointless, no strings attached sex.

On the other hand, if a man says they’re married but available to sleep with anyone as they have their partners blessing, as you’ve seen on this thread, this would be a massive turn off for most women. Yes your husband may be good looking but if he’s been honest on dating sites, he’ll need to work harder to get people to sleep with.

When you both agreed to stay married and open up your marriage, then the other men you’re meeting up with should not then be taking priority when you’re with your husband. Texting the men when you’re at home would of course make him feel jealous as he is if he still cares about you.
He has now realised what’s happened and wants to see if you can work on your marriage and if you want the same thing then you agree to be monogamous again and see if it works.

I personally don’t think there’s any going back from this can of worms you’ve opened so good luck whatever you decide.

ConfusedSoShutUp · 28/05/2026 10:35

Feis123 · 28/05/2026 10:33

Now I know why we can't get a GP appointment - doctors and their doctor-wives are far too busy doing other things and thinking of other things. Makes sense. All of it. As Blackadder said, 'the fish started knitting'.

Show quote history

Fucking hell. Maybe you can't get a GP appointment as there is zero humanity in you? Did your comment make you fell better?

ThatCyanCat · 28/05/2026 10:37

Feis123 · 28/05/2026 10:33

Now I know why we can't get a GP appointment - doctors and their doctor-wives are far too busy doing other things and thinking of other things. Makes sense. All of it. As Blackadder said, 'the fish started knitting'.

Show quote history

Is this supposed to be funny?

OtterlyAstounding · 28/05/2026 10:38

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:12

I think it’s a me problem in regards to my self esteem. He hasn’t chipped at my confidence, he’s always uplifted me for the 25 years I have known him he’s always made me feel very confident. I lost myself the last 2 years after miscarriages and then death of a family member where I was the executor of their estate which was chaos to be honest.

DH and I went from 16 or let’s say 25 years. I’ve known him since the first day of university. We liked each other from the moment we met life was busy we were both pursuing medicine. He was far more ambitious than I ever was a lot of the amazing things I have done I couldn’t have achieved without his support if I’m being honest. A prentice died during my 3rd year of my medicine degree I wanted to drop out I thought I would drop out, DH would come and just sit in silence with me I didn’t want to do anything it was a very rough time. We were young barely 21 I was still 20 at that point. Same with when I finished my degree I was scared to go volunteer in Eastern Europe he told me I should go I will regret it if I don’t. I was so nervous but the support I had from him and friends and family members are what helped me. I now speak multiple languages because of that experience. I have letters he sent me during that time whilst he was in South America volunteering. I didn’t marry the wrong man. Yes we were on and off from ages of 18 but that’s because we wanted to also go volunteer and do other stuff. I wanted to be a good doctor and get experience in other countries. I wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t helped me realise my strength.I’ve been judged here for being on and off. We met at 18 years old of course we were going to be on and off not many relationships last at that age. I’m glad we were on and off we both went and did our own things, experiences that have shaped us for life.

Before my miscarriages we spent years going cycling in multiple countries, we’ve always done that, we took our children ‘bike packing’ across Spain we have done that pretty much every year since they were 4 or so years old. Now they can cycle he takes them. I’ve been in a rut for a while. Depressed to be honest. Not because of him, this is a me issue. He had tried to help, he got me a counsellor 2 years ago I said no I didn’t want to talk about my feelings that’s on me. I was being stubborn.

I 100% agree most women do form attachments. I haven’t as of yet I want my husband that’s who my attachment is with. Defiantly not what I dreamed of when we got married, life has happened I can’t spend the rest of it dwelling on our mistakes. We can try and rectify it and see how far we get with that if not then that’s a shame but I think we will both be fine. I’ve never doubted his love for me never not trusted him.

My worth isn’t based on men it’s based on how I see myself or how I’ve perceived myself. I have not done anything for myself in a long long time, not even bought a new outfit for myself in 10 years. Every new outfit I have had or makeup has been gifted. I haven’t gone out of my way to go to Zara etc and buy a new outfit. I just haven’t felt like it. DH always recommends I go on a day out and buy myself something nice I refused. I’ve hated the sight of myself since having a miscarriage that’s on me that’s not on him he has tried to support me. You can only help someone so much, sometimes they have to want the help to be helped.

Im basing it all on me and my perception of myself. Men will like anything I know that.

I am dyslexic so that might have affected how I phrased things. He wasn’t surprised as in “eww who would want you” he was surprised at men in general I didn’t like any of the men on the dating app they just liked me I never initiated any conversation with any of them. It’s been quite the sociological experiment. I have never messaged a man first. As a woman you can go on any dating site and be enamoured by hundreds of likes without even doing much. These men don’t know anything about me, they probably do not care, they don’t care about my achievements, whether I’m funny, what my interests are or anything. They just see a woman. That’s what he was surprised at. It was just interesting if I am to take anything from this, it is that most men will like anything you don’t even need to say anything. It’s made me disgusted. I didn’t put anything personal really about myself, anyone that I met didn’t even know that I am a doctor the most they knew was that I am married, we are in a rut and are willing to try an open marriage. I didn’t tell any of them personal things yet they were still wanting to message. Somewhat radicalised me.

In my early years I was not focused on men at all. I never took any notice of men. Have countless letters still in my childhood home from boys and I just ignored them. All through school as I went to a girls school and there was a boys school near us that we did dances with etc there was a rumour that I was a lesbian because I just was not interested in any of them never really had a crush till I got to university. I spent majority of my childhood surrounded by women who were very intelligent and I wanted to be like them. I think that’s where my insecurity stems from I probably became too ambitious and lost sight of everything else. To the point my mother once said to me at 25 ‘a career isn’t everything and sometimes you’re too ambitious just ket loose a little’ not verbatim but something along those lines.

I have a grown up in an environment where everything was very ambitious and that’s all I’ve ever focused on. That’s all that my worth has been based on sadly and I’m willing to work on it maybe in your 40s it’s too late but I’m willing to try.

I digress. To answer your question no this is not what I wanted for my marriage to be like. It’s quite an obvious answer. I’m down and quite depressed I’d say. Everyone goes through moments in life, I’ve had a somewhat easy privileged life till my 40s but I have the rest of my life. I’m not going to dwell on it I want to work on my mental health and try with my marriage nothing wrong with wanting to try. Maybe it’ll work maybe it won’t.

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I do wonder what all of this info-dumping has to do with what your post was about? Why did you even post, I wonder? In your initial post, you sounded a little resentful that your husband wanted to close the marriage, and wondered if it was because he'd realised you were enjoying it.

You said:

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.
AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

Yes, I think it quite probably is because he imagined he would have sex with lots of different women, while you continued on as usual and didn't really bother with seeing any men. Is it an issue for you, if that's what he wanted and expected?

But it seems that you're very happy with him, and are fine to close the relationship after finding out it doesn't work for you both...so there seems to be no problem, and again, I have to wonder why you posted?

BIossomtoes · 28/05/2026 10:38

Some of the bitchiness on this thread is off the scale. If I were you I’d ask MN to remove it @RosePoett. Don’t provide the opportunity for this to continue.

littleburn · 28/05/2026 10:39

I haven’t read all the way through, but it sounds like your DH thought he’d be getting lots of attention/sex and you less so. But the reality is loads more men are looking for no strings attached sex compared to women, so the maths of it were always going to be in your favour.

Original poster
RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:43

Feis123 · 28/05/2026 10:33

Now I know why we can't get a GP appointment - doctors and their doctor-wives are far too busy doing other things and thinking of other things. Makes sense. All of it. As Blackadder said, 'the fish started knitting'.

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Neither of us have ever called in sick from work in all our time as medics. Only leave I’ve ever had from work is holiday that I am entitled to and maternity leave which I would say I’m entitled to that too. DH same only time he’s ever been off is holiday which is booked well in advance and when we had our two boys he took extra time off.

Regardless doctors are people too they have things going on too but that’s all not the reason you’re not getting a gp appointment. So long as their personal life isn’t interfering with their work they’re allowed to have personal things going on. I know some amazing doctors and their personal lives are chaos but they’re able to separate that. We don’t decide on appointments etc. There’s far bigger fish to fry than the personal lives of doctors. Trust me on this one my life revolves around the NHS, there’s over 10 doctors in my family/extended family cousins etc.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 28/05/2026 10:46

In his mind it went like this:

"I get to screw around while she does the home making, housekeeping, laundry, cooking, family stuff.

I get to come home from screwing around to wifey and comfy home life.

Perfect. Get in.

Wait a minute. What the - no, not like that!!!!!

No, I'M - ME - the all important - ME - I'M the one who should be having it all, and more!!!!! Not her!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?
Feis123 · 28/05/2026 10:48

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:43

Neither of us have ever called in sick from work in all our time as medics. Only leave I’ve ever had from work is holiday that I am entitled to and maternity leave which I would say I’m entitled to that too. DH same only time he’s ever been off is holiday which is booked well in advance and when we had our two boys he took extra time off.

Regardless doctors are people too they have things going on too but that’s all not the reason you’re not getting a gp appointment. So long as their personal life isn’t interfering with their work they’re allowed to have personal things going on. I know some amazing doctors and their personal lives are chaos but they’re able to separate that. We don’t decide on appointments etc. There’s far bigger fish to fry than the personal lives of doctors. Trust me on this one my life revolves around the NHS, there’s over 10 doctors in my family/extended family cousins etc.

Edited
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It was a joke, FFS!

Original poster
RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:51

Feis123 · 28/05/2026 10:48

It was a joke, FFS!

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That’s fine maybe I’ve gotten sensitive and need to get this thread deleted.

There’s just been responses on here that seem to say they’re ‘trying’ to help me but really they’re wanting me to feel worse I am already down as it is.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/05/2026 10:53

You do need help re your miscarriages, counselling or therapy as you have mentioned them several times.
Obiv you don't need help with understanding the medical parts of conception / miscarriage / menopause as you are both medics - it's the losses that you need the help with and to grieve.

however you only mention your husband's vasectomy once

Original poster
RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:53

JFDIYOLO · 28/05/2026 10:46

In his mind it went like this:

"I get to screw around while she does the home making, housekeeping, laundry, cooking, family stuff.

I get to come home from screwing around to wifey and comfy home life.

Perfect. Get in.

Wait a minute. What the - no, not like that!!!!!

No, I'M - ME - the all important - ME - I'M the one who should be having it all, and more!!!!! Not her!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Ahaha

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 28/05/2026 10:53

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:51

That’s fine maybe I’ve gotten sensitive and need to get this thread deleted.

There’s just been responses on here that seem to say they’re ‘trying’ to help me but really they’re wanting me to feel worse I am already down as it is.

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Please do, some of the nastiness on display here is most definitely not “in the spirit”.

Original poster
RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:57

Notsosweetcaroline · 28/05/2026 10:10

You go on a dating site say you’re in an open marriage and looking for some fun or whatever. You will have them queuing up. They will not be however princes amongst men. They will be men thinking they can get laid and don’t have to pay for the privalge.

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That’s true. They’re not anything special.

I have had lots of interests from lawyers, doctors/surgeons/dentists. Think it’s mostly men with high demanding jobs that have just gotten themselves in a rut.

Dating isn’t anything special. Most men will see a woman on there and like them. I never liked anyone’s profiles as a woman they just all flock to you. It is hundreds and hundreds of them. They have no interest in woman as people just the fact that you’re a woman that’s all it takes. It has radicalised me and sort of opened my eyes a bit. It has not helped my confidence at all, they’re not interested in anything I would ever have to say they’re just interested in women that’s all.

OP posts:
suggestionswelcomed · 28/05/2026 11:01

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:57

That’s true. They’re not anything special.

I have had lots of interests from lawyers, doctors/surgeons/dentists. Think it’s mostly men with high demanding jobs that have just gotten themselves in a rut.

Dating isn’t anything special. Most men will see a woman on there and like them. I never liked anyone’s profiles as a woman they just all flock to you. It is hundreds and hundreds of them. They have no interest in woman as people just the fact that you’re a woman that’s all it takes. It has radicalised me and sort of opened my eyes a bit. It has not helped my confidence at all, they’re not interested in anything I would ever have to say they’re just interested in women that’s all.

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I'm almost tempted to join one and see if anyone 'likes' me. Except I won't because I wouldn't follow through. I just assume there wouldn't be much interest for me. Just a curiosity really.

Don't beat yourself up about any mistakes you think you've made. It was his suggestion. There would probably have been consequences if you'd said no to it as well.

DinoDoughnut81 · 28/05/2026 11:03

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:57

That’s true. They’re not anything special.

I have had lots of interests from lawyers, doctors/surgeons/dentists. Think it’s mostly men with high demanding jobs that have just gotten themselves in a rut.

Dating isn’t anything special. Most men will see a woman on there and like them. I never liked anyone’s profiles as a woman they just all flock to you. It is hundreds and hundreds of them. They have no interest in woman as people just the fact that you’re a woman that’s all it takes. It has radicalised me and sort of opened my eyes a bit. It has not helped my confidence at all, they’re not interested in anything I would ever have to say they’re just interested in women that’s all.

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I've gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence.

In your original post you did say it has boosted your confidence. Largely your experiences seemed like they had good for you. But less so for your husband.