AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

I think he's had a shock; a reality jolt. Realising it's not all about him, that he could lose you and you wouldn't be alone and sad...

So probably time to step away from Mumsnet and start having frank conversations with him about how he feels the experiment has gone. Treat it like a piece of scientific research and discuss the outcomes and agree the way forward.

Hopefully he'll realise what a dick he was being and what he might lose.

Decide if you want to keep him and set your boundaries and expectations around behaviour and respect for you both.

Time to move on from the experiment.

Yes I did feel attractive but I’ve also realised that I was always attractive I didn’t need desperate men to tell me that. I tried things I hadn’t done since I was little. One of them took me go karting and I had fun I didn’t even sleep with him we just went go karting then drinks, he was a barrister. I did realise oh I’d much rather do this with my husband but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it was fun.

It’s gotten me out of a rut after spending so long mad at my body for having miscarriages blaming myself when it’s not necessary my fault.

The men on dating sites don’t want to know me for me. They’re just desperate how can that many men like a woman I don’t think I could ever see 100+ men and think they’re even attractive. You do not even have to like them they will like you on there and start a conversation. It’s made me realise they will like anything it was nothing about me that got them interested it’s just my gender.

OP, you said earlier you wanted to try new things. Trying new things to me is taking up a new hobby, learning to play the guitar for example. It's fun, gets you out of the house and if you learn, become good at it, it gives a sense of achievement. Meeting men for sex, won't do that. Because, to be blunt, they aren't interested in you as a person. The men who are looking for sex are doing just that. I know you said one just took you go karting, I would suggest that's quite rare. Most of the men just want no strings sex and that isn't an achievement for you.
In addition, an open marriage may well be detrimental to the marriage, particularly as you acknowledge you have other issues.

Serves him bloody well right. He suggested an open marriage (it's almost always men that do) because it would give him license to sample new fanny. Or he had a particular other women in the side lines - which is more likely. Your agreement to it was his golden ticket. Bet he couldn't believe his luck. But of course, other men screwing you is a different matter because now his macho male ginormous ego is properly bruised. What's sauce for the goose is not sauce for the gander where men are concerned. And now you've found that out OP.

Just one question - are any of the men married, do you ask or is it strictly no questions ?

If you split, who gets the kids?

There’s been married men but I have not met up with them. I’m sure someone else has.

The men I have actually spoken to have been divorced or just never married. A few were diplomats always travelling never really in the uk much and did not have time for family life from the sounds of it. I didn’t tell them my job or any personal details but men seem to like talking about themselves. Most of them I think just wanted someone to talk to nothing they seemed like reasonable men not really as horny as most people on here seem to have painted them out to be. They just had highly stressful jobs and no time to really form a bond with anyone.

Well that tells us something about your mind.

We both get the kids ? As far as I’m aware they’re not not going to see their father or me. Unless of course that’s what he would want which I wouldn’t think so as he loves his children there’s been no question about that. He took a year off work just to spend it with me and the children. But people change I suppose I wouldn’t know until I’m in that situation.

My parents were divorced I don’t think I saw one of them more than the other, they had a routine and my siblings and I didn’t suffer because of their divorce. That’s not to say all divorces work out well for the children.

I guess I’ve learnt my lesson you’re right.

Regardless of that I did try new stuff, stuff that I thought I wouldn’t enjoy ie go karting not something I’d ever have thought of doing. We’ve taken the boys go karting for their birthdays but it’s been just the boys and their friends actually go karting, the parents have just been observing.

Sorry that was supposed to quote JFDiYOLO

Something going wrong. The quote didn't show again.

Op the way Pele have spoken down to you on here is horrific. Street walker? That poster should be ashamed of themselves. I bet it’s the woman’s fault when she gets assaulted to? Cave man thinking at its worst.

I’m a very open person and a rare one that as a woman I can separate sex and emotion. I am perfectly capable of having string free sex and it meaning absolutely nothing to me at all, is just scratching an itch. My DH is very different and his body is completely loyal to me and tbh I don’t think he could even get an erection with another woman 😂. But we just talked about this thread and is something we have discussed over the years but not never done. He thinks your DH could be feeling territorial over you? Not jealous as such but more a “she’s my wife and this isn’t what I thought it would be like and it’s raised my guarding instincts”. Do you think that could be part of it?

I’d never judge anybody that made a well thought out choice of their own/as part of a team within their own marriage whether that be monogamy , an open relationship, separate bedrooms, or swinging etc. They may not be choices for me but newsflash, I don’t like the same car as them or the same wall paper, or the same anything as I’m an individual with free thought and opinions. I’m sorry you have faced such hate from women who claim to support other women. Arseholes, all of them.

I do actually feel sorry for the OP.

The media in particular has created this narrative that alternative lifestyles, particularly alternative to a man and a woman being in a monogamous long-term relationship, are desirable and achievable.

I can remember an episode of Doctors on the BBC in which a woman was portrayed as a brilliant and happy wife because she allowed her husband to regularly sleep with men.

It's always been a lie and often we don't realise it's a lie until it's too late.

@Dollysleftnip

I bet there’s a queue around the block of single women desperate to shag some 40 year-old married Bloke at his convenience getting nothing from it aside of his golden dick 🙄

Yeah this. Men are totally, utterly deluded. Of course you were going to get more offers than him. Of course fucking of course 🤣 He is a selfish twat who wanted to shag around and is now suffering from jealousy because it’s quite clear you’re the catch and he’s……..not

I feel sorry for me too

What I’d like to understand it why do people have to be monogamous if they don’t want to be ? What if that worked out for some couples what’s the big deal ? Maybe it hasn’t worked for me but I know people who it’s worked well for 20+ years married they’re on same page in regards to monogamy or not monogamy.

There’s a lot of judgment why does everyone have to be monogamous is that the only way society can be ? What’s wrong with other options if both parties are happy. I was genuinely happy with trying this out I wasn’t forced into it if I felt that why surely I’d have left him by now. I have my own career, I have my own things I’ve never relied on a man to be able to do things for myself. I had my own house before we even go married, paid for it myself, saved up for the deposit myself I am very much capable of doing things in my own. We aren’t in a tradition relationship, we both work, we both pay the schools fees we might not pay the same as he earns a bit more as a surgeon, we both bought our house the mortgage was essentially a 50/50 split as at that time he wasn’t a surgeon we were earning similar and saved up the same amount each. It’s an equal partnership for us we are not traditional in any way shape or form, he cooks the supper on certain days or the week I cook on other days, he does the laundry, there’s nothing in this house that I solely do or he solely does it’s an equal footing. The children have grown up in a house where mum and dad both do things, sometimes we switch i load the dishwasher he unloads it in the morning or he loads it I unload it later on. We have one car as we don’t see the point of having two cars it’s a waste for us and our household it would just sit there doing nothing. if we are going on holiday and it’s a long drive we take turns. I have friends who are in a somewhat tradition relationship husband doesn’t lost dishwasher or cook ever. That’s not wrong if they’re both happy that’s how it should be. I came from a very progressive family albeit they divorced and remained very close friends till the very end they both met other people and remarried, on big special birthdays for instance my 21st both my parents were there with their new partners, on my wedding they could sit at the same table and converse. I have friends who’s parents albeit divorced she remarried couldn’t even look at eachother at their children’s graduation. I’m not saying that’s odd I’m pointing out that every relationship is different. What works for some might not work for others but I don’t judge.

I think you and your husband are getting a bit of an unfair kicking on here to be honest. I don't think all the doom and gloomers saying that this has to be the end of your marriage are talking bollocks to be honest. Some people just don't get that jealous about the idea of their partner sleeping with someone else, and I think if you do then it's very hard to understand that mentality, but that doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed if you don't feel that jealousy.

But I think your post that I've quoted @RosePoett about the go-karting may hit the crux of why your husband has is now struggling with this.

I said in a previous post that I'd be up for an open relationship, but DP really wouldn't be, so not something we've ever tried. For me, the reason I like the idea is because of the sex. I like sex, I enjoy sex with new people, and I also like the idea of DP having sex with other people. I'd never really considered the "dating" portion of it. That was just a means to an end to get to the sex part.

I'd imagine your husband thought similar. The sex was the point, the date before hand is just the neccesary bit to make sure you don't find the other person horrendous before you get into bed with them.

Reading your post about the go-karting guy, when I pictured DP doing the same it kind of twisted something inside of me. You say you've not enjoyed the dating, but I think you mean the weeding down hundreds of likes etc. It sounds like you've actually enjoyed the "dates" themselves. You've enjoyed going out, getting to know people, trying new things with them, feeling young and free and attractive.

And I get that, you and your husband got together young, you've probably not done a lot of dating before you met him. Being out on a date with someone you click with if a shit ton of fun!

But, I think, if I was your husband, thats the bit that would terrify me. Hearing that my partner had had fantastic sex with someone would turn me on. Hearing that they'd had a really good night out with another man, talked for hours, went go-karting with them. Thats the bit that would make me jealous I think.

Sex for me is mechanical. It's not intimate by itself. Intimacy enhances sex, but sex doesn't cause intimacy. At least not for me. A really good night out with someone brilliant though, that's intimate. Talking late into the night, walking down the street with an ice cream, arm in arm. Thats intimate.

No-one leaves their spouse because they've had a really good shag. They might because they've developed a connection with that person though. And I reckon thats why your husband is now putting the breaks on. Because he thinks that the sex isn't the point for you, it's the people.

He was getting slightly more offers than me to be honest if we are going by actual numbers on ‘offers’. He is an attractive man with a lot of good qualities and very charming despite the state of our marriage at the moment I cannot deny that. I didn’t come him to really trash my husband per day maybe I gave that impression in the original post but interpretation on text isn’t my strong suit. I have dyslexia and find it hard at times.

Humans in general on dating apps are desperate even women. Men probably more as I never had to message any of them first they just flock.

Because OP , you don't know if it will work until you have tried. And if it goes wrong, very wrong, then some people will end up worse than they started. As I said earlier, if you take up a hobby and are useless at it, don't find it enjoyable, then nothing is lost, not even your time because you know it's not for you. But an open marriage, while it might work could be disastrous if it doesn't, in all sorts of ways.
I meant to say earlier and got distracted. I think many people feel that they need an exciting relationship, but humans can't do that, being in a constant state of excitement isn't good for us. I always say that contentment has much going for it. Being content is pleasurable in itself. It's like how when we fall in love, that feeling is wonderful but if we lived like that constantly it would cause problems. Most couples who are together a long time, become loving, which is different. It's not heady excitement, but just as good.

Have to considered you might be more discerning than him? Men are quite happy as long as it’s breathing, warm and wet and some of them aren’t even that fussy.

I think you’ve captured this very well and are far more articulate at describing it than I am. I think he is jealous of the ‘connections’ and I can understand why. In a way it has helped me want more from my marriage and want to fix it. We got into a routine and forgot that we are a couple too we aren’t just parents or our jobs we can have fun too. We used to have tons of fun, there were times where we’d just have a weekend alone and just hang out talk and laugh till 4am in the morning not even sex just enjoy eachothers company. We are connected and I love him I don’t want to just throw my marriage away for nothing.
Everytime I met someone who I could just speak to and have fun with that wasn’t sexual I just thought I wish it was my husband, I went to a jazz bar with one guy we just talked and half way through I just said I can’t do this I’m married and miss my husband. The guy said okay that’s fair enough he left and I was just there on my own. I called DH and asked him if he wanted to come join me and he did and we had a great night together listening to music and talking. After that night is when he said he’d much rather we just work on our marriage instead of meeting other people.

Everyone here thinks my marriage will fail all because of a bump in the road. We were very happy before having miscarriages back to back the last 2 years and decided to stop trying as it was causing more harm. We just accepted and decided we have 2 children that’s already a blessing we should cherish that. I just tried to forget about the miscarriages and ignore the fact that they did in fact affect my mental health. He has tried to support me but I didn’t want the support. I didn’t come here to make him out to be the villain maybe my original post painted him badly but that wasn’t my intention.

I think if you did an AIBU about your husband suggesting opening your marriage after you had two miscarriages and your mental health was in the bin you would get some strong responses on that too. The more you write it sounds more and more like a terrible idea.

Agree with this.
To my mind, a husband should see you as, and help you feel like, the sexiest woman alive OP, regardless of age, children etc. That should be one of the beautiful things about marriage. But it doesn’t sound as if your husband does OP, and I think your self esteem sounds so low.

Well, OP, you've answered your own AIBU: Yes, you are being unreasonable to think that of your DH, apparently.

So just close your marriage and go back to normal, having learnt you don't want to have sex with other people to make your marriage better. It seems like a successful experiment in that case, I guess?

But it also seems like you have a lot of issues around defensiveness (needing to give long explanations to several throwaway comments on the thread that were clearly not genuine), low self-esteem, not wanting to process grief and pain, your DH having had a vasectomy right after several miscarriages, and general avoidance. So counselling of some sort, or some proper discussion with your DH and working through the issues instead of running away from them, might be worth considering.

Get him a dildo.