Page 7 | Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

Gwenna · 27/05/2026 19:42

SweatySpider321 · 26/05/2026 14:07

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

YANBU, OP. Those more seasoned than I am will know if this is a possibility, but is this the beginnings of The Script? 👀
The silent treatment is truly horrible - an ex did that to me once and it was a cruel, painful feeling. I don’t think I ever saw him quite the same way after that 💖

ruethewhirl · 27/05/2026 19:45

Sassylovesbooks · 27/05/2026 09:55

Unfortunately, I don't think if you behaved like a Stepford Wife, it would be good enough for your husband. He will find fault in anything and everything you do, because ultimately he wants complete control over you. He wants you tied up in knots, on edge and unsure of the decisions that you make. Slowly your confidence and self-esteem erodes away, to the point that you just go along with every decision you husband makes, and never questions those decisions. Even then, he will still find fault, because he wants you kept down and in line.

Your husband is not only being utterly ridiculous but he's a controlling, abusive arsehole. The silent treatment, gaslighting and controlling behaviour are abusive. Nothing you have done is reason for him to feel embarrassed, and if he does feel embarrassed, then those emotions are his to manage.

I strongly urge you to see his behaviour for what it is, and remove yourself from the marriage. It will only become worse as time goes on.

All of the above.

He's trying to make you small, OP. Don't let him.

MMUmum · 27/05/2026 20:17

SweatySpider321 · 26/05/2026 14:07

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

He thinks it's rude to turn down the cider and the offer of help, he's embarrassed by your behaviour because he doesn't want people to believe he would stay married to someone as rude as you- you're not rude by the way, or embarrassing, but he is a prize silly arse who cares more for his own feelings and how he is perceived than he does about you, ignore him or leave him or 'embarrass ' him some more, choice is yours

ChocolateAddictAlways · 27/05/2026 20:54

Not talking to you because you didn't take a drink? That is ridiculous.

Elsvieta · 27/05/2026 21:52

Possibility one: he's genuinely embarrassed by things that aren't embarrassing, in which case he needs to learn that facts aren't feelings and they aren't arguments either: you don't have to change your behaviour (when there's nothing wrong with your behaviour) because of his feelings, and you're not going to.

Possibility two: he's not embarrassed, he just wants you subservient, obedient and always putting him first, anticipating his wants, never criticizing no matter what crappy stuff he does. The point isn't the cider or whatever, the point is to keep you on eggshells, always second-guessing, remembering at all times that what he wants is what matters and what you want means nothing.

The freezer thing (his negative feelings are valid and also need to be acted on by you, whereas any negative feelings you may have about him are not to be expressed by you or even felt by you) makes me think it's the second one. What do you reckon?

Poppyfun1 · 28/05/2026 09:10

He’s more concerned about ‘the image’ than you. And this won’t change I’m afraid.

NotThisShitAgain121 · 28/05/2026 14:41

He is being an absolute controlling arsehole. You were not rude to anyone so why are these things an issue? He needs to chill the fuck out!

mamajong · 28/05/2026 14:55

His embarrassment is his problem. I had an ex who constantly told me I was 'too much' and to 'tone it down' because I am more extroverted than him. He is an ex now for a reason. I found his introvertedness awkward at times but accepted he is who he is. These are silly trivial things and he needs to work on himself if such petty stuff embarrasses him

Anonanonay · 29/05/2026 00:27

Judevalentine · 27/05/2026 08:12

I’m afraid this is spot on.

I was brought up in a subtly abusive family so I didn’t see the signs when my husband started doing this to me. I thought I must be doing something wrong and moved heaven and earth to keep him happy with a huge effect on my identity and sense of self. I couldn't drive the car with him in it as it made me so nervous; he’d come over while I was dishing up dinner and I’d spill everything or overcook something at the last minute; I was even nervous about offering suggestions like if I was navigating suggesting going a different way in the car(before sat navs!) in case there was traffic that way.

It was like living with a bullying, unpleasant teacher. Except that he played with my head by being super nice sometimes. So I would doubt myself. It was hard to explain to someone because it would sound nuts: like he’d deliberately put his feet in the way to make it difficult for me to get past, that kind of thing or make a mess that I’d have to clear up (I was a SAHM) because he certainly wouldn’t; or get his phone out at the table when I’d just told the kids to put theirs away (I wasn’t controlling but it was just a rule at the dinner table I tried to have so we’d actually speak to each other!).

Whenever I gave examples to people they’d think I was being petty - this was well before coercive control was understood - so I thought it was me being difficult.

Anyway it’s the pattern of behaviour that eats away at you and makes you doubt yourself and become smaller to try and keep him from kicking off. Except you can’t because it’s deliberate behaviour. I don’t know about your husband but mine was lovely to everyone else so everyone thought I was the difficult one because I’m sure he told lots of stories about me.

It took me years (of therapy) to realise what was really going on. I’m now getting out after decades of it. Don’t put up with it like I did. Trust your own eyes and ears. Get out as he won’t change. I could give you the psychological explanation for why my husband is the way he is but that doesn’t change things. He is this way and will continue to be this way. He’s better since I asked for a divorce (I didn’t blame him btw) but still kicks off - once recently because I continued to watch a show he didn’t want to see (he’s happily watched it in the past) when he came back with a takeaway. Full on tantrum and sulking. If I’d had MN it might have given me the self belief and validation to leave a lot earlier.

Show quote history

Covert emotional abuse. I am in the process of separating from my second husband for the same reasons. Again, he is utterly charming and cheerful around other people, but alone with me he's often grumpy and morose. He relentlessly contradicts everything I say, and engages in constant point-scoring. He never, ever admits he's wrong, even when it's proven to him, but simply rewrites history to make sure he appears to be in the right. He denies saying things he clearly stated one minute ago, or pretends I misheard. Anything but simply acknowledge his mistake and apologise.

Like you, I have a childhood background of trauma and abuse and it's taken me several decades years to understand the destructive dynamics of his behaviour in our relationship. Unlike you, my reaction has tended towards getting very angry with him, which further makes it look as if I am the abusive one. My friends adore him. My daughter (his step-daughter) thinks the sun shines out of his arse, and takes his side over everything - the fact that he has tacitly encouraged this and allowed her to bully me on his behalf is one of the reasons I finally wanted out. A decent man would not encourage this kind of dynamic, but he will never utter a word to stop it.

It's impossible to describe to other people how destructive this can be not only to your relationship, but to your self esteem. They think you're being petty, or nit-picking, but the cumulative effect is horrible. Annie Wright is one of the few people I've come across who acknowledge how difficult it is to deal with men like this: https://anniewright.com/clarity-after-covert-narcissism/

BassBug · 30/05/2026 18:59

SweatySpider321 · 26/05/2026 14:07

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

What an unpleasant man. Get rid and find someone who will love you for who you are. My ex wife was like this hence the ex.

Bobbinette · 30/05/2026 19:06

I wonder how embarrassing it would be for him if he had to tell all his friends and family that you’d asked him for a divorce? Sounds like you need to get out of this relationship ASAP!

VertigoGames · 30/05/2026 21:21

Swap out the word husband for the word friend
Read it again and then
Swap out the word husband for the phrase someone I used to love

FloozyMcGee · 30/05/2026 21:50

He needs to decide whether he's willing to be with a partner who he finds so "embarrassing." My DH used to find me embarrassing, but then he realized my behavior had nothing to do with him. If yours can't come to that, I'd say good luck finding someone perfect enough to be able to never commit these small politenesses at his expense!

FinnMc · 30/05/2026 22:41

If you can possibly get away from him then do. Things only get worse from here. Believe me I am old and I know. I spent 18 years with a man who treated me very badly but refused to leave, and made sure I didn't have enough money (he extracted money from me with threats) to get away (with the children) by myself. If your mum or anyone else will have you, go while you have the chance of a happy life.

Mossey55 · 31/05/2026 08:49

Glowingup · 26/05/2026 14:33

Sorry to say it but he hates you.

That’s a bit harsh
he sounds like a dickhead though.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 31/05/2026 19:07

Wow, watch out. Does he need therapy? Sounds like he has some issues!

NotMeNorI · 02/06/2026 14:41

He's a knob. Sorry, OP but none of the things you've described are in the least bit embarrassing - unless he's completely emotionally unintelligent and is saying it's embarrassment when he meant something else, like not wanting to disappoint those people?

In either case, he's not allowed to police your behaviour and is making some very strange assumptions about how you and those people (friends, auntie) feel, and trying to impose this on you - while also dictating how you get to feel about that (the irony, when he's apparently allowed to be as annoyed and upset as he likes).

Better have a discussion about how he needs to knock this on the head, sharpish!

nutbrownhare15 · 02/06/2026 15:15

Is he abusive in other ways?

NebulousSadTimes · 07/06/2026 11:11

I wonder how embarrassing it would be for him if he had to tell all his friends and family that you’d asked him for a divorce?

They always, always, change the narrative, either that she was abusive/controlling/whatever, to make themselves look like the hero/victim.

They can be very believable, they are accomplished liars, but their accusations are admissions. Once you know that you can start to see through the charm.