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AIBU?

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Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

152 replies

SweatySpider321 · Yesterday 14:07

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

OP posts:
EmmaB1309 · Yesterday 21:51

Get this one to fuck OP. Husband or not, he despises you and this has red flags all over it.

Sally2791 · Yesterday 21:56

He’s weird

Bestfootforward11 · Yesterday 22:03

Nothing even remotely embarrassing here. I don’t think he gets to tell a grown adult when and what they have to drink and how they have to manage their day.
Completely different to being angry when he leaves a freezer open when on holiday!
To be frank he should be embarrassed that as an adult man he’s making such a fuss about non events. If this kind of control manifests in other parts of your relationship, you may need to consider things further.

Sodthesystem · Yesterday 22:05

Don't get angry, just get rid!

Don't want the kids thinking this is what normal relationships look like. And that women should tolerate it.

MeanwhileinGilead · Yesterday 22:06

He's either really stupid or he thinks YOU are either really credulous or likely to be intimidated into doing whatever he wants if he bullies you enough each time you don't. And if he genuinely thinks that your being angry, upset, or annoyed that he has tried to bully/control you is equivalent to his being embarrassed because you didn't want a drink or didn't need a childminder then my vote is for "really stupid", whatever else he may be.

dogproblems1 · Yesterday 22:10

LTT (leave the twat)

VelvetCashew · Yesterday 22:15

What's your relationship like with his mum? Because if my husband was chatting this shit, I'd be complaining to the manufacturer.
And what's his reaction when you fill your house with your friends and family? Do you have any siblings? I'd absolutely be inviting my sister over just to show him I'm not reliant on him for adult interaction.
We all know abusers like to get their victims isolated and dependent on them. Show him you're not.

parakeet · Yesterday 22:15

SweatySpider321 · Yesterday 16:29

I know right. Not even that l was drunk, out of order and obnoxious but still pushed on drinking lots of cider!

For clarity l did drink. I just like to go slow and steady, especially when drinking for extended periods of time

Edited

Are there any other examples of you being "embarrassing" [according to him]?

Ilovelifeverymuch · Yesterday 22:16

Where the hell did you find this guy? He sounds like he has some inferiority complex issues going on.

Is this recent behaviour or has he always been like this?

99bottlesofkombucha · Yesterday 22:21

Nobody should ever be in trouble for not having an alcoholic drink, or for not getting drunk. Nobody should allow children to be around people who think that’s something you can criticise people for. Anybody who has children with someone who thinks that is failing the first step of being a good parent. Don’t do it.
Your husband isn’t embarrassed, he’s mad you’re not letting yourself be controlled by him, and you should get him out of your life. You’re allowed to be angry because he’s criticising you. Don’t let him twist this, get angry and get single. He doesn’t need to agree with you to be divorced.

Calendulaaria · Yesterday 22:24

I like that you aren't letting him project his shit onto you. You have a strong sense of yourself, stick with that.

HappyWelsh · Yesterday 22:24

Sorry to say, but I don’t think he likes you very much and/or seems extremely full of himself. I would be starting to plan the future without him. To me, it seems as though every little thing you do is irritating him. Stop pleasing him, tell him to fuck off.

notacooldad · Yesterday 22:25

So he is not speaking to you! I think you should enjoy the silence.
When he starts talking to you,I’d ’embarrass’ him again and enjoy the peace once more!!

What a knober!

Swiftsmith · Yesterday 22:31

The fact that he "is not speaking to you" when you are two fully grown adults who are supposed to care for each other is warning enough. The situations you describe are not remotely embarrassing, and even if you tried to factor in his embarrassment as you ask in your post, how could you possibly guess what would embarrass him, since it makes absolutely no sense? You could never win.

He doesn't get to tell you how to behave. He is completely unreasonable. You shouldn't live like this.

Left · Yesterday 22:33

He’s a right Willy. Does he have any good points?

Just imagine a chill future with no dickhead, bliss!

CaesarAugusta · Yesterday 22:39

It is seriously weird to find either of those two essentially trivial incidents embarrassing, let alone to be still sulking about it and refusing to speak to you several weeks later. He's clearly trying to get you into a state of mind where you are walking on eggshells all the time for fear of upsetting him. Tell him to grow the fuck up or get out.

CalmDownKaren · Yesterday 22:41

The votes show who is in the wrong here. Please show your husband so he can feel embarrassed again….. about himself 🙌🙌

ForeverTheOptomist · Yesterday 22:42

He's a total fuckwit. I'm sorry that I cannot be more constructive.

Edit - typo

Pallisers · Yesterday 22:42

OP I think you are being unreasonable about the cider. if I were married to that twat I'd neck every cider offered to me and have a whiskey chaser too.

hypnovic · Yesterday 22:43

Ahh every day mumsnet reminds me why I chose single life. If anyone cares there is also no one sweating next to me. You should give it a try. He's being a dick

Notmyreality · Yesterday 22:46

So, does he genuinely find stuff like that the examples embarrassing? Does he have massive anxiety issues leading to irrational thoughts like the examples given?

wrongthinker · Yesterday 22:49

I feel like you must already know the only possible reasonable thing to do here OP is to jettison this stupid man and get on with your life in peace.

Cherryicecreamx · Yesterday 22:49

Peterdottir · Yesterday 14:28

Wow! I was expecting to read about some really wild and outlandish behaviour at the festival not turnìng down a can of cider 😂

Right, maybe you should give him something to be embarrassed about 🤣
Only joking, you know you're not being unreasonable.

wrongthinker · Yesterday 22:51

CalmDownKaren · Yesterday 22:41

The votes show who is in the wrong here. Please show your husband so he can feel embarrassed again….. about himself 🙌🙌

Do NOT show your husband the vote or this thread. He is extremely controlling and this is not going to make him come to his senses.

Keep yourself safe, OP. Men like this often escalate when they see they're losing you.

IDontHateRainbows · Yesterday 22:51

Oh dear, he sounds rather nasty. I'd be telling him 'if I'm such an embarrassment you won't mind if I leave you then will you' and that would be the end of that. Because honestly being on your own would be a million times better