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Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

154 replies

SweatySpider321 · Yesterday 14:07

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

OP posts:
Bavariamaria · Yesterday 14:09

He's a dick isn't it. You could twist yourself in knots and he'd still find fault

Ukholidaysaregreat · Yesterday 14:09

He is being controlling.

purplecorkheart · Yesterday 14:11

He sounds like arse.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · Yesterday 14:11

He is nuts and I cannot believe this ridiculousness is happening in a vacuum.

Daleksatemyshed · Yesterday 14:12

He's being silly Op, you're an adult and entitled to make your own decisions - I have no idea why he'd be embarrassed by you saying No to a can of cider, does he think you should always say yes to his friends/family? As for being angry about the freezer, that's different, that cost time and money and was him being careless

TheEponymousGrub · Yesterday 14:13

Is this just recent behaviour, OP? It's so obviously BS. What does he gain from making up reasons to put you "in the wrong"?

Tutorpuzzle · Yesterday 14:14

Well, he’s obviously a total arse, but you know that, don’t you?

Do you just want to vent or is there something in particular that you want suggestions for?

If it was me I’d probably be thinking life is just too short…

WallaceinAnderland · Yesterday 14:16

He's an idiot. What do you get out of life with this nitpicker. It sounds exhausting.

NumberOneFanNot · Yesterday 14:16

He sounds pretty pathetic.

Embarrassment is an issue for DH to manage - it's not a reason to try and control your behaviour. (Neither of those examples are embarrassing). He needs to get over himself.

It's a nonsense to suggest that you can't be annoyed about something. That's fair enough to raise and discuss - that can be done without being controlling (not suggesting you were)

I'd find it really difficult to respect your DH.
How does he manage disagreements at work?

Alltheusefulitems · Yesterday 14:19

Hes not been speaking to you for a few weeks because you declined a can of cider and for turning down unnecessary childcare? Or he's just decided recently he's not speaking to you for those reasons?

Either way its not normal and sounds like he's an absolute nightmare! I hope you find the courage to do something about living this way with your children 💐

Thepeopleversuswork · Yesterday 14:20

It sounds like he has a hard time with the idea that you are a person with her own opinions and autonomy and expects you to be told what to do just fit in with him and defer to his opinions in everything. Basically it sounds like he’s a misogynist pig who doesn’t see women as independent and sentient beings.

It honestly sounds a total nightmare. Has he always been like this?

Peterdottir · Yesterday 14:28

Wow! I was expecting to read about some really wild and outlandish behaviour at the festival not turnìng down a can of cider 😂

Glowingup · Yesterday 14:33

Sorry to say it but he hates you.

Stoicandhappy · Yesterday 14:37

He sounds absolutely pathetic

GardenTable · Yesterday 14:40

He sounds hard work and not worth the effort.

Paramaribo2025 · Yesterday 14:42

Twat.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · Yesterday 14:45

Stop trying to make this fair, reason with him or please him.

He isn’t the rational type, he’s just using words and sulking to get his own way.

The best answer to any observations he makes is something neutral that doesn’t invite a pointless conversation like- oh, ok. oh dear. I see.

Just crack on with ignoring his opinions as they aren’t sensible.

YoBetty · Yesterday 14:46

He is determined to wrong-foot you at every turn, isn't he?

Lahsania · Yesterday 14:46

“ embarrassed” has lost its meaning, hasn’t it. It’s used now to just simply be critical of anything at all ‘ how Embarassing” basically means ‘ what shit!”

it’s passive aggressive manipulative language.

tell him to use his words to deconstruct ‘ embarrassment’ into something open to examination. It looks as though he’s annoyed when you speak, essentially.

Talltreesbythelake · Yesterday 14:47

He sounds like he is being eaten up by social anxiety. He could get help for this but it is not your responsibility to manage it for him.

Pickledonions12 · Yesterday 14:47

Well.....the fact that you're ASKING is very weird. Hes a twat. Get rid

BMW58 · Yesterday 14:48

He's a grade A utter wanker

AttachmentFTW · Yesterday 14:54

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Trying to make you feel embarrassed or awkward to moderate your behaviour to fit with what he wants is controlling.

What does he bring to this relationship? Because he honestly sounds awful

MrsTerryPratchett · Yesterday 14:57

He has contempt for you and that’s the end of a marriage. You can have a successful marriage with a lot of different kinds of relationships, but not contempt.

Vaxtable · Yesterday 14:58

Just play him at his own game

tell him you are enbarrassed a grown man left the freezer oen and lost a lot of food

and just carry on in that vain. And tell him he can’t be angry with you because it’s you that is embarrassed

works both ways

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