Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

[SweatySpider321]

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

There We Are Then - every time - he sounds unhinged!

Tell him things you find "embarrassing" about him. Tell him he laughs too loudly at people's jokes or he acted nervous around X. Tell him he sips his cans weirdly. See how he likes it.

He sounds a right cunt. I’d tell him to get to fuck.

when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

I wonder what happened there. What was your response if you try to be objective about it

They are very stupid things to get embarrassed about. They are so minor, it sounds like he doesn't like you anymore, or at least no longer appreciates you.

“he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done … He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed.”

Unreasonable much? So according to his argument, he is always in the right: he’s embarrassed by utterly inconsequential things such as your turning down a can of cider, but woe betide you if you are angry with him for big cock-ups such as leaving the freezer open. Frankly, he jolly well should feel embarrassed about that - what an idiot. OP, I fear you’ll get nowhere with him, because he sounds utterly unreasonable. He should also understand that anger and embarrassment are not the same thing. What’s the rest of your marriage like?

I know its always said but, could there be another person involved and he is finding fault with you so he doesn't feel bad. Im sorry but you should get rid as life is too short for you not to enjoy it.

If this is a new thing, then I’d factor in a possibility of another woman that he’s planning on leaving for.

My ex behaved very similarly in terms of the tone and even the exact word ‘embarrassing’ over such tiny and objectively not-embarrassing things in the months before he left.

One of them was over how I ‘babied’ our son. Who was four months old.

Honestly op he sounds unhinged

It sounds like he just wants to pick fights with you for no reason, maybe to make you look bad and him feel better. He needs to FO.

Wow
dick
head

He’s a wanker

This sounds like the type of shit my narcissist brother used to pull with his (now ex) wife.

Ooft, this sounds like the tip of a very large iceberg. He’s a controlling arse basically. Does he have any redeeming qualities, or is it time to call it quits and be happy living without judgement op?

He's having an affair...

He's starting "the script"....

I’m afraid this is spot on.

I was brought up in a subtly abusive family so I didn’t see the signs when my husband started doing this to me. I thought I must be doing something wrong and moved heaven and earth to keep him happy with a huge effect on my identity and sense of self. I couldn't drive the car with him in it as it made me so nervous; he’d come over while I was dishing up dinner and I’d spill everything or overcook something at the last minute; I was even nervous about offering suggestions like if I was navigating suggesting going a different way in the car(before sat navs!) in case there was traffic that way.

It was like living with a bullying, unpleasant teacher. Except that he played with my head by being super nice sometimes. So I would doubt myself. It was hard to explain to someone because it would sound nuts: like he’d deliberately put his feet in the way to make it difficult for me to get past, that kind of thing or make a mess that I’d have to clear up (I was a SAHM) because he certainly wouldn’t; or get his phone out at the table when I’d just told the kids to put theirs away (I wasn’t controlling but it was just a rule at the dinner table I tried to have so we’d actually speak to each other!).

Whenever I gave examples to people they’d think I was being petty - this was well before coercive control was understood - so I thought it was me being difficult.

Anyway it’s the pattern of behaviour that eats away at you and makes you doubt yourself and become smaller to try and keep him from kicking off. Except you can’t because it’s deliberate behaviour. I don’t know about your husband but mine was lovely to everyone else so everyone thought I was the difficult one because I’m sure he told lots of stories about me.

It took me years (of therapy) to realise what was really going on. I’m now getting out after decades of it. Don’t put up with it like I did. Trust your own eyes and ears. Get out as he won’t change. I could give you the psychological explanation for why my husband is the way he is but that doesn’t change things. He is this way and will continue to be this way. He’s better since I asked for a divorce (I didn’t blame him btw) but still kicks off - once recently because I continued to watch a show he didn’t want to see (he’s happily watched it in the past) when he came back with a takeaway. Full on tantrum and sulking. If I’d had MN it might have given me the self belief and validation to leave a lot earlier.

Is he an alcoholic? Your comments about you like to drink slow and steady and him getting upset about you saying no to a drink, sound very familiar to me and a family member with a drink problem. If other people refuse drinks they take it very personally as it highlights how much they are pouring down their throat.

“he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done …”

Tell him that he is allowed to feel embarrassment, but it is up to him to deal with those feelings himself.

There’s been lots about him being a tw*t (which he is being) and him cheating (which he might be) but I’m going to try and put myself in his shoes. Nothing you did was actually embarrassing, so why does he feel embarrassed? Maybe he sees turning down offers as rude? Again, he needs to work on that but maybe he really does cringe as he thinks it’s a snub. Does he maybe think that you’re projecting an air of superiority around his friends and family and that turning down a cider is a judgement about their drinking habits and turning down Auntie is a judgement of her babysitting skills? That doesn’t mean that your turning them down were because of that, you gave clear reasons why you declined both that were more than reasonable but if he has that hang up, he may have seen it through that lens.

If you want to try and keep going with him, I’d acknowledge his feelings of embarrassment, ask what about those encounters made him feel embarrassed, and offer reassurance if needed that it wasn’t you looking down on anyone. Come up with some ways that he can reframe things so he doesn’t get as embarrassed in future as it isn’t nice to feel that way and he can’t continue to deal with it by taking it out on you. In the situations described, he thinks someone is going to feel put out (I don’t think they would but he does). Ask him why he wants you to be the one being put out rather than them. Let’s say they will feel slightly aggrieved, well so would you doing something you don’t want to. In that case, he should be backing you, not them. In reality, I don’t think anyone would care and both you and them would go away happy.

So hang on, he is allowed to be annoyed at you (for not accepting a can of cider?!), but you are not allowed to be annoyed at him?

OP life’s too short for this. What does he bring to your life that’s worth his contempt ? Because that’s what it is. You’re not doing anything remotely embarrassing - he’s actively looking to find fault. The fact that he bats away criticism of his own shortcomings points to narcissism too. Is this a recent change or has he always been like this ? If so, ask him what’s changed.

Either way you need to communicate to him you’re not prepared to live the rest of your life with someone who clearly doesn’t like you. You’re not a naughty child to be punished every time he thinks you’ve transgressed. You’re his partner and equal and if he’s not prepared to treat you as such then I think you have to accept that the marriage is over.

This is abusive and controlling.
Talk to Women's aid.

Not normal at all.

He'll be absolutely mortified if you end this relationship, never mind embarrassed.

No, you don’t have to modify your behaviour because someone else wants to monitor, critique or try to control it.

You’re an adult with agency, who can behave however you like. He’s right, he can of course feel embarrassed (if that’s his genuine reaction - why it would be is another story - weird). But what he shouldn’t be doing is sharing that with you to get you to change your behaviour to anticipate his preferences.

People behave in many weird and wonderful ways, cringy ways, annoying ways etc. But most mature adults let it go. Because critiquing someone else’s behaviour isn’t acceptable. People should be accepted and loved for who they are. Not for how someone else wants them to be.

The exception is when it has a material effect. If someone leaves something burning and the house burns down, it’s acceptable to critique their behaviour. Or if they’re rude to a friend or relative (sounds like you were polite in both examples BTW) and it affects their DP’s relationship with that person. Or if they leave the chest freezer open when you’re off on holiday and a load of food/money gets wasted [though you should ofc control your anger].

Not speaking to someone is abusive, controlling behaviour. It’s fine to take some time to cool down, to avoid or end an argument. But refusing to speak to someone, or sulking, isn’t acceptable or mature behaviour.

He sounds like draining hard work and a bit of an a-hole.

I was thinking this too in the nicest way possible. If this is a change in behaviour and he hasn't always been like this then these things sound so minor it must stem from something deeper. And I only say this from coming out of some very bad times in my own marriage where every little thing my husband did would drive me crazy and I would frequently blow up at small things (which I acknowledge but it was out of utter frustration).

If he's always been this way then ignore me but I would look if there's something else going on with him. Is the marriage happy otherwise? Do you think you're both on the brink of divorce / marriage counselling territory?